To Go or Not To Go

[Erin]

The "company" Christmas party is this Friday. I am the assistant to the President and the party is at his house - only top management invited = about 14 people plus their wives/guests. I am not invited.

My boyfriend of nine months is invited. He is only one of two divorcees and the other guy is bringing his girlfriend of about three years. The question is - because I''m the President''s assistant, Should I go to the "company" Christmas party with him?

The President has been made aware that we are dating. He wasn''t exactly thrilled (so I''m told) because of confidentiality concerns. But, nonetheless, everyone has turned a blind eye and my boyfriend and I of course do not make anything obvious. I''m fairly certain that 90% of everyone else there knows we''re dating but it''s never been a topic of conversation.

I''m not sure if this is a time to let ''the world'' know that we are dating and plan on being together in the future. Or, if I should wait until next year to go when the awkward (Oh yeah, that''s right, they''re dating) newness wears off.

 

[Skippy123]

I wouldn't go but that is just me. Something I am not invited to I would not attend.

 

[Mara]

I was going to say just go because you work there and he works there and if he''s invited, you are technically a guest and can go. BUT then you said your boss wasn''t thrilled about knowing you two are dating and while you guys don''t hide it, you certainly don''t make out in the coffee room or advertise that you are dating (which I think is smart actually). So with that knowledge I''d say NO definitely don''t go this year. If you are still dating next year, I would imagine it would be more acceptable as it seems with things like this the longer people are together the more comfortable execs and others feel about it not being a ''fling'' or something that might mess with the workplace, and it would be better received then. Also especially since you said your boss is not jazzed about this AND it''s at his house, to me that''s more a private personal thing...if it was at a restaurant or a big party or something I''d probably say go. Though honestly I think it''s a little weird you are the assistant to the Pres and he didn''t invite you to his party. Sure it''s execs but still, you are probably one of the most valuable assets to HIM and I would imagine he''d want to show you are appreciated.

 

[Ellen]

Another, I wouldn''t go THIS year. If you''re together next time, by all means go.

 

[Erin]

Date: 12/11/2007 12:30:30 PM
Author: Mara
Though honestly I think it''s a little weird you are the assistant to the Pres and he didn''t invite you to his party. Sure it''s execs but still, you are probably one of the most valuable assets to HIM and I would imagine he''d want to show you are appreciated.

Yeah tell me about it - I can plan some of the details, order the food, entertainment, photographer.... but not attend.
He''s sort of clueless.

If he would have invited me I wouldn''t be stressing out over a stupid decision. Your two thought patterns have been my bouncing in my mind for a week.

 

[Steel]

I didn’t vote as I can’t agree entirely with any option.

Forgetting the politics, do you want to go? If your BF invited you to a corporate Christmas do (and he worked at another firm) would you go?

The other thing I would consider is the effect on my job. If you feel it would make your relationship with your boss awkward then don’t go, moreover because of the close working relationship your job (probably) required with your boss.

0.02

 

[lyra]

I wouldn''t go this year. It really does sound too complicated, and you don''t want to upset your boss. I''d feel really uncomfortable knowing my boss didn''t really want me there for confidentiality purposes. Best to protect your own job at this point IMO.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

I wouldn''t go specifically for one of the reasons Mara pointed out. . . the party is a small intimate gathering at the president''s house.

On another note, what does your boyfriend think? Is he planning to go by himself or would he like you to go?

 

[crown1]

i would not go. under the circumstances you mention i would not attend in the future either. if i knew i was not invited personally i would not consider attending as someone''s guest. the only time i would consider going would be if i got a personal invite or if i was no longer employed there and was the wife or was engaged to an invited guest.

there is a reason you are not invited. i am not implying it is that your boss does not like you. only that many things come into play when making decisions on who to invite to an event. read the bww section and you will find many.

 

[SarFarSuperstar]

I am also in the "no you shouldn''t go, but you should have been invited" group. Is it a small company? Do they do anything for the lower employees (I was a secretary for a while but we got bonuses plus a rad Christmas party)?

Enough of a rant, I wouldn''t feel comfortable going. Maybe next year.

 

[snlee]

Date: 12/11/2007 12:30:30 PM
Author: Mara
I was going to say just go because you work there and he works there and if he''s invited, you are technically a guest and can go. BUT then you said your boss wasn''t thrilled about knowing you two are dating and while you guys don''t hide it, you certainly don''t make out in the coffee room or advertise that you are dating (which I think is smart actually). So with that knowledge I''d say NO definitely don''t go this year. If you are still dating next year, I would imagine it would be more acceptable as it seems with things like this the longer people are together the more comfortable execs and others feel about it not being a ''fling'' or something that might mess with the workplace, and it would be better received then. Also especially since you said your boss is not jazzed about this AND it''s at his house, to me that''s more a private personal thing...if it was at a restaurant or a big party or something I''d probably say go. Though honestly I think it''s a little weird you are the assistant to the Pres and he didn''t invite you to his party. Sure it''s execs but still, you are probably one of the most valuable assets to HIM and I would imagine he''d want to show you are appreciated.

Ditto! I completely agree. Another vote for not going.

 

[janinegirly]

i agree on not going. this is a corporate event not a personal one so it''s not the time to make statments on one''s personal situation, expecially an inter-office one. i agree it''s a bit rude for the prez to not invite you, but i sense it''s b/c he didn''t actually want you there due to this relationship perhaps. in any case, he''s the boss so you ''ll have to respect it. he may not want to encourage office gossip,etc.

next year, if you''re engaged/married, different story. it''s annoying but office politics are a part of life. how does your bf feel?

 

[Erin]

Okay, well one of my girlfriends has a completely different point of view.
Wonder if this trumps my initial uncertainty for not going.

By the way, my boyfriend is flip flopping the decision based on all the points I''ve made. Our company is 500+ employees.

She says I should go. Claiming, if I do not go and he goes alone what message is he sending? That I''m not important in his life? Perhaps this is just their exact worry - this relationship will come and go and perhaps a complicated ending results: considering we both work here. Then they (executives) have no reason to take ''us'' seriously because obviously I''m not important enough to him where he''s bringing me to this invitational.

By bringing me he''s making the statement - yes we are together, yes we intend to stay together, yes she is my significant other, no this isn''t a flingy thing and please accept her as my guest and my partner and not as your assistant.

 

[janinegirly]

well see that''s where i see it different. i don''t think a corporate event is the place to make a statement on your personal life. if this was a family/friend event, then i''d I see the point.

but the work place is not the appropriate forum to make a statement on who you''re with or not with. The statment your bf would be making by going alone is that he''s there to fulfill a corporate social obligation and not mixing personal with business. Many office parties do not allow significant others at all for this very reason.

 

[crown1]

this is in the boss's home. i assume he has a wife, she will have input. this is no place for a guest to make any kind of statement. i do not recall you saying you would have been invited had you not been dating one of the invited guests. it seems you are wanting some kind of validation that i do not feel is warranted. it is what it is he has chosen his guests and you are not one of them. i would not question his judgement.

if your so wants you to attend he could approach the boss and ask if he might bring you as a guest or if that would cause a problem. i feel it is in his hands if he wants you with him he will make the way. i would not want to go myself. jmho. i hope you find a comfortable way to handle this.

 

[Mara]

hmm i don''t agree with your friend''s train of thought...i don''t think someone''s home is the place to make a statement about your personal life. this is your work life entertwining somewhat uncomfortably with your personal life. i could see this having a negative effect on your work life. i would say, how much do you love your job and this company? if you are willing to take the risk that your boss might be silently ticked off (and who knows about his wife, women get weird about things like this, esp in their own homes) and it could affect you in a negative way, then go for it. but seriously...many times small gatherings like this are not FUN anyway, so i wouldn''t even be chomping at the bit to go. Greg''s company is massive but they are only doing small dept things, his dept is going to dinner tomorrow night and i asked if i was invited, he said he would ask if his boss''s wife is going. he hasn''t gotten back to me yet but i thought on it and thought...i don''t even want to go! it''s just his dept of maybe 10-12 people, and i would feel weird being 1 of 3 or 4 spouses at something that isn''t QUITE open to outsiders or SO''s. and we''re married. so i could probably go if i really wanted to. but it would feel a little odd and figured why even bother, it won''t be fun for me or him and it might be awkward for others, esp those without spouses etc.

there''s so many ways to go with thinking about yay or nay but i think the overall ''smartest'' thing for you to do is just not go this time. it doesn''t say anything to me one way or the other....other than you can understand potential boundaries between work and personal life and respect them and your boss''s wishes for what happens in his own home.

 

[TravelingGal]

I disagree with your friend. This isn't about either of your personal lives. This is about a company party, where company politics is the biggest elephant in the room. Does your BF really want to risk the ire of the president? You are not invited for a reason (whatever that reason may be).

While I hate "playing the game", this is about your careers...if you want them to go anywhere, just suck it up. Too many people these days believe they have certain rights and entitlements in their workplace. While it probably SHOULD be that way, it's simply not.

Man, do I sound old fashioned or what?

ETA, Mara, hanging out in my brain again? Warning, there are preggo cooties in there...

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 12/11/2007 3:45:58 PM
Author: Mara
hmm i don't agree with your friend's train of thought...i don't think someone's home is the place to make a statement about your personal life. this is your work life entertwining somewhat uncomfortably with your personal life. i could see this having a negative effect on your work life. i would say, how much do you love your job and this company? if you are willing to take the risk that your boss might be silently ticked off (and who knows about his wife, women get weird about things like this, esp in their own homes) and it could affect you in a negative way, then go for it. but seriously...many times small gatherings like this are not FUN anyway, so i wouldn't even be chomping at the bit to go. Greg's company is massive but they are only doing small dept things, his dept is going to dinner tomorrow night and i asked if i was invited, he said he would ask if his boss's wife is going. he hasn't gotten back to me yet but i thought on it and thought...i don't even want to go! it's just his dept of maybe 10-12 people, and i would feel weird being 1 of 3 or 4 spouses at something that isn't QUITE open to outsiders or SO's. and we're married. so i could probably go if i really wanted to. but it would feel a little odd and figured why even bother, it won't be fun for me or him and it might be awkward for others, esp those without spouses etc.

there's so many ways to go with thinking about yay or nay but i think the overall 'smartest' thing for you to do is just not go this time. it doesn't say anything to me one way or the other....other than you can understand potential boundaries between work and personal life and respect them and your boss's wishes for what happens in his own home.

Ditto this and everyone else who said not to go this year. In the fullness of time, I can imagine it will be much easier for you and your BF with these things, but for now I would stay away. I think it is the wisest decision for now.

 

[KimberlyH]

If it is your goal to keep your personal and professional life seperate (which it should be) then you should not go. If your goal is to make a statement (bad choice) go, and essentially flaunt it in front of your boss and all of your coworkers. Office relationships happen a lot, they usually go bad when the couple isn''t discrete, which is exactly the reason most companies frown upon coworkers dating in the first place, lack of discretion.

 

[eks6426]

I vote no go this year too. It could be bad for BOTH your career and your bf''s if you go.

In fact, I''d vote one of you needs to find a new firm if you''re going to continue the relationship. Working in the same company as your significant other causes problems. Even if you don''t realize it, people will talk and think that you give your boyfriend special treatment.

 

[Octavia]

I agree with everyone here, and IMO, as long as you're not "on call," you should set up something with friends that night. Even if it's just drinks and a movie. That way, if anyone asks him why he didn't bring you (which some nosy person probably will), he could honestly say that you had other plans for the evening. If they don't ask, that's fine too. Plus, you're not sitting home alone and have something to talk about if anyone happens to ask you why you weren't there.

 

[Mara]

good idea octavia and then it's an opening for him to talk about SP...and send the message (if he wants to do so) that they are seriously dating but they are mature enough to understand that they don't have to be attached to each other all the time and at company parties etc. (like my projection here?)...

LOL TG...i need some sort of mind condom or something for my ohso frequent trips to your head. who knows what i could be pickin' up in there.

 

[Erin]

Date: 12/11/2007 4:01:18 PM
Author: Octavia
if anyone asks him why he didn't bring you (which some nosy person probably will), he could honestly say that you had other plans for the evening. If they don't ask, that's fine too.

That's another good point. There have been a handful of execs asking me about the party like it's an assumption I'm going (even though the President had essentially the same party last year and I also was not invited.)

I've also ran into two wives who've closed their conversation with me by saying - "See you at the Christmas party!" I've felt the need to just nod and smile, slightly implying "Okay!"

So I k-n-o-w people will be asking him, where your girl? I think it's more important for him to say I had something else on the same night than to say I was sick - which implies maybe I Would have gone, had I not been sick.

Gosh it's a stupid Christmas Festivous and it's got me questioning things

 

[Kaleigh]

Revealing that you two are an item is not something that should be done at the company Christmas party. I also disagree with your friend. People won''t be wondering where you are, especially if they don''t know you two are dating. The most important thing is, you weren''t invited, and showing up as your BF''s guest would really be in poor taste. JMHO.

 

[Erin]

Date: 12/11/2007 4:23:12 PM
Author: Kaleigh
Revealing that you two are an item is not something that should be done at the company Christmas party. I also disagree with your friend. People won't be wondering where you are, especially if they don't know you two are dating. The most important thing is, you weren't invited, and showing up as your BF's guest would really be in poor taste. JMHO.

Everyone already knows were dating. And I'm not going, but...
Can you put into words why this would be in poor taste? I've had a hard time doing this myself. Hard to articulate...

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 12/11/2007 4:25:18 PM
Author: Starset Princess

Date: 12/11/2007 4:23:12 PM
Author: Kaleigh
Revealing that you two are an item is not something that should be done at the company Christmas party. I also disagree with your friend. People won''t be wondering where you are, especially if they don''t know you two are dating. The most important thing is, you weren''t invited, and showing up as your BF''s guest would really be in poor taste. JMHO.

Everyone already knows were dating. And I''m not going, but...
Can you put into words why this would be in poor taste? I''ve had a hard time doing this myself. Hard to articulate...

Yeah it''s hard to articulate. I guess what I mean is that your boss didn''t invite you, I get that it''s higher ups and all. But you are his assistant, and he left you out. Then to show up, with your BF just doesn''t look so good... Yanno?

 

[Mara]

hmm for me, the ''poor taste'' thing would be simply: you weren''t invited.

though i do want to say again that i think it''s sucky the boss didn''t invite you ESP if he has you doing things for the party! and it makes me wonder if he would have if you hadn''t been with your bf. maybe he just didn''t want to deal with the whole having you two there, people asking Q''s, or whatever. it''s kind of like flaunting maybe what is unofficial company policy being broken in his mind quite possibly. just easier to not have you there for him.

 

[Efe]

I think this has more to do with you being staff than you being the girlfriend.

 

[janinegirly]

It''s bad form for a couple of reasons

1) you were not invited
2) it''s an inter-office relationship between a senior manager and the president''s assistant. Many office relationships are not exactly embraced with company policy ranging from not allowing it, to turning the blind eye, to having concerns about conflict of interest and potential for lawsuits (it''s one of the most common reasons for sexual harrassment lawsuits,etc). So flaunting it is just unprofessional at this stage, especially when you''re not invited.
3) it''s a work event and so far, your reasons (or your friend''s reasons) for wanting to go are personal ones stemming from wanting to have the relationship validated by co-workers. Which is really out of scope for a company event at the boss''s home.

I think by not showing it''s a win-win. You take the high road, don''t have to question your decision or wonder what people are "whispering about", you respect your boss''s decision on who to invite, and everyone still knows you''re dating and it''sl kept proffessional. It''s the more respectful and discrete thing to do.

 

[Steel]

Date: 12/11/2007 4:17:55 PM
Author: Starset Princess

Date: 12/11/2007 4:01:18 PM
Author: Octavia
if anyone asks him why he didn''t bring you (which some nosy person probably will), he could honestly say that you had other plans for the evening. If they don''t ask, that''s fine too.

That''s another good point. There have been a handful of execs asking me about the party like it''s an assumption I''m going (even though the President had essentially the same party last year and I also was not invited.)

I''ve also ran into two wives who''ve closed their conversation with me by saying - ''See you at the Christmas party!'' I''ve felt the need to just nod and smile, slightly implying ''Okay!''

So I k-n-o-w people will be asking him, where your girl? I think it''s more important for him to say I had something else on the same night than to say I was sick - which implies maybe I Would have gone, had I not been sick.

Gosh it''s a stupid Christmas Festivous and it''s got me questioning things

I agree with Mara on this one (if I have picked her up correctly). There is no shame or awkwardness in simply stating the truth; that you are not invited. If you would like to meet them or anybody else socially then arrange it separately. No need to lie.
I am sorry you feel funny about this, in the greater scheme of things it shouldn''t matter. (I am not unsympathetic, quite the opposite I do not think you should get yourself worked up - in case you are.)
If you feel strongly enough then go. If you do want to go but think it will cause strife which you want to avoid then don''t go.

IMHO