Tips, Help and Support for Dealing With Aging Parents

[Calliecake]

Many of us are dealing with aging parents. Hopefully this thread will be helpful to those looking for guidance, support or just want to vent. I would love to hear how others are navigating this.


@canuk-gal, I hope things get easier for your mom. It‘s hard watching our parents health decline.

@Slick1, Your post in another thread reminded me of my MIL. I kind of helped perpetuate a problem by dropping everything and came running to her every whim. We had many talks as a family with my MIL trying to make her realize not everything is an emergency. Just because she would like something handled that very minute didn’t mean it couldn’t wait a few days. My MIL had a rough 10 years before my FIL died due to his Alzheimer’s. After he died she expected everyone to continue to race over every time she called. I wish I could tell you this is a phase as she is adjusting to life without her husband. It wasn’t a phase for my MIL.

 

[lilmosun]

It's such a difficult period that can be both emotionally and physically draining (and sometime financially).

I always worried about getting old but never thought about my parents getting old until it happened. Not only the care they would need but the changes in personality as they struggle with loneliness and loss of control of their lives. I know how hard it can be to say "no" or push back and there can be a feeling of guilt in doing so (at least on my part).

Have you tried setting a regular schedule (specific day/days of the week) where you will be there to take of things? It might help in allowing you to set boundaries and be firm on your availability while providing the assurance that you will be there to take care of things. Just a thought as each situation is different.

I can share my story but I have it so much easier than most going through this. While part of me hates being 8 hours from my parents (now just my mom as my dad passed), I know it is easier in some ways. I live far enough where they have to wait for my visits but close enough where I can jump in a car and get there if needed (usually a medical emergency). Plus no financial worries.

For the past 5 years, I've had scheduled monthly visits. First to help take care of my dad before he passed and then to be with my mom who is now alone. The monthly visits are scheduled in advance and on the calendar. People think it's hard with all the travel back/forth. To me it's easier as it allows me to compartmentalize. I plan my life around these scheduled visits. When I am home I can focus on my stuff and when I am there I focus on their needs.

I just spent 7 unexpected months with my mom as she recovered from a major stroke. As she got used to me being there for her, she wouldn't discuss plans about what would happen when I left. (She has no desire to move plus my house isn't handicap friendly). Realizing I was becoming more of a crutch, I had to put my foot down which was hard. I set a date to leave and then we prepared a calendar for my visits. I spent the last weeks forcing her to do things on her own (even forcing her to take Uber a couple of times when I could've driven her). I have someone come in twice a week to help her with things that can't wait (laundry, grocery shopping etc).

For the rest of this year, I will go back/forth every two weeks and if all goes well, my hope is that for 2022, I can go back to going down once a month.

I know I am lucky in that my kids are grown and I have the support of my husband and job to be with my parent whenever and for however long needed (just my dog gets mad lol).

 

[tyty333]

@Calliecake Great idea for a thread.

FYI Background...FIL had passed and MIL was in assisted living.

My MIL was the same way about things being an emergency. My DH handled her bills. She wanted my DH to come over and get
a bill immediately on arrival instead of putting it in a stack and letting him pick them up once a week. It was hard to convince her that
the bill did not have to be paid immediately since she never had to pay the bills while her husband was alive. She actually
led a pretty sheltered life (due to her DH handling everything). Unfortunately, it caused a lot of anxiety for her.

She seemed to not care about how her wants/feelings affected everyone else. She just wanted things done now and wanted them
done her way. Part of the time I feel like she knew what she was doing and the other part of the time I feel like it was old age/anxiety
causing her to act a certain way. Hard to know which it was at any given time so it was difficult to know how to respond.

So my generic advice (because all seniors are different and have different issues)

- Be proactive. Don't wait until something is an emergency.

- If necessary, make decisions for them and just let them deal with it (in other words, be the bad guy if you have to).
Making decisions can cause anxiety for older individuals. It may be in their best interest (and possibly yours) and safety
to make the decision for them.

- Find a good geriatric doctor that sees the individual as a "whole". The Dr. my MIL was using just kept sending her to
different specialists who didn't work together. Her Alzheimer Dr wanted her on the max dose of drugs to keep her
Alzherimers from getting worse. Meanwhile, it played havoc with her blood pressure medicine which caused several
falls and broken bones. My DH finally found a good geriatric Dr that looked at the whole picture and acted accordingly.

My MIL has since passed. You never realize how much stress you are under until they are gone and you get to relax. Its
unfortunate that homecare is so expensive.

 

[marymm]

I wholeheartedly agree with the suggestion to ensure your parent's primary doctor is a geriatrician if possible -- when my mom changed from an internal medicine doctor 5 years ago as her primary to her current geriatrician, the new doc has made a world of difference in her care and day-to-day quality of life. Geriatricians are trained to listen and hear the elderly, and they ask different questions of their patients as compared with internal medicine ... so my mom feels heard, and her worries/symptoms are addressed. The geriatrician had great suggestions to address various small issues that plagued my mom, and of course also managing/overseeing my mom's entire care including her care by specialists.

Schedules and lists work well with my mom too. Somehow, if a task or appointment is written down, she is more at ease with waiting for it to be done/crossed off.

 

[tyty333]

Definitely agree with the geriatric Doc @marymm . The one my MIL ended up with was worth her weight in gold. She was able
to fix the blood pressure/Alzehimers issues. Before that my MIL kept passing out, falling, breaking something (pelvis, neck) and
ending up in a hospital then a recovery center. Talk about adding stress to an already stressful situation!

 

[Cerulean]

this is pretty timely.

i'm only 30, and both my MIL and FIL have severe disabilities and need as much care as most geriatric adults, and my father is in his late 70s and has a laundry list of health issues (he was a bit of a "late bloomer" so is much older than most parents in my age group)

so, none of my peers are dealing with anything like this...their parents are all healthy, vibrant, and middle-aged. i am deeply envious, honestly. i will count myself lucky if my children get to meet a single grandparent.

we just moved my father from rural maine to the midwest to live in a senior community (4 hours away). it was a 2-yr long battle to get him to move. none of us can afford for him to have assisted care/nurses, it is so outrageously expensive...and needless to say, he didn't take any measures whatsoever to save for retirement, nor did MIL and FIL

I am bracing myself for the next few years. i honestly don't know what to expect but have been warned that it will get much worse....my husband and I were planning on moving to the Southwest and very far from family, and one of the main reasons we decided not to was because of our parents.

i do not know how well my father has been living since he was in Maine. he was far removed from civilization, and we are frankly not very close and he can be a pretty difficult person. but I know he has memory loss, and is going to lose his eyesight among other issues with liver/heart...during a recent health scare i insisted on talking to his doctors but even that was like pulling teeth.

has anyone dealt with a parent with memory loss or blindness?

*sigh* this stuff isn't easy. before my grandmother passed she'd always say, "growing old isn't for sissies!" I think she was onto something...

 

[Slickk]

@Calliecake
- Be proactive. Don't wait until something is an emergency.

- If necessary, make decisions for them and just let them deal with it (in other words, be the bad guy if you have to).
Making decisions can cause anxiety for older individuals. It may be in their best interest (and possibly yours) and safety
to make the decision for them.

@tyty333 Thank you for this, these points especially resonate with me.
Thank you @Calliecake for this thread. Unfortunately, I don’t have time to opine and share my thoughts right now but I’ll come back when I can.
Am reading along and appreciate the words of wisdom. I lost my parents six weeks apart after very short and unexpected illnesses, so this long-term care is new to me and it’s no picnic when the elder is demanding and difficult.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

@Cerulean Does your state have an organization such at this?

Home | CNIB

Changing what it is to be blind today.

www.cnib.ca

cheers--Sharon

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

In my professional and personal experience very few people go "willingly" into managed care. Most people want to stay in their own homes--so planning ahead becomes very difficult as people flat out refuse to leave. Even when they can no longer manage as they refuse to accept present realities. This is the case with my Mother and was for my MIL and BIL. It is scary how quickly they become so frail.

I looked after my Mother after her stroke, falls, and knee replacement. It was unbelievably challenging to be a caregiver to a parent. Stressed me out to the max. .Luckily I have 3 sisters who are very involved as well. I feel for family members who have to navigate parental care by themselves--my DH did the lions share of the work with his family and it almost killed us. He was so stressed out he had a MVA on his way home from hospital after seeing his Mother.

I agree with having a Geriatrician as making a lot of difference in cohesive care. Wish we would have got on that earlier.

cheers--Sharon

 

[Cerulean]

HI:

@Cerulean Does your state have an organization such at this?

Home | CNIB

Changing what it is to be blind today.

www.cnib.ca

cheers--Sharon

I have never heard of this org...I will absolutely look into this. I live in a different state from my father. I appreciate the resource, thank you!

 

[marymm]

To the extent applicable, you should confirm your parent has an estate plan in place, meaning a will, power of attorney, health care directive, final (or funeral) arrangements. Depending on your relationship and responsibilities, it may be helpful to get your eyes on these documents, to ensure they are actually completed, signed, notarized. If there are bank accounts, retirement accounts, life insurance policies -- see if you can confirm your parent has actually named beneficiaries for each.

Especially where memory loss is an issue, if there are no estate planning documents, hopefully the parent is still competent enough to be able to establish an Advanced Health Care Directive (sometimes also termed a Living Will) which specifies what actions should be taken for their health if they are no longer able to make decisions for themselves because of illness or incapacity and usually also names the person who can speak and make health decisions on their behalf. A financial power of attorney is also very helpful. Both of these documents kick in only when your parent can no longer speak for themselves and/or cannot manage their own affairs. It is so helpful to have these documents already in place, and to know who that person will be to speak/act for the parent should the situation arise.

 

[Calliecake]

My mom and stepfather haven’t gotten to the point where they need constant care, so I’m lucky in that respect. My mom was hospitalized for emphysema about 6 months ago and now is on oxygen. Both of their health has deteriorated a lot in the past year. They are 83 and 87.

My mom has always been stubborn but now it’s like stubbornness on steroids. I know when things get really bad it will all fall on my shoulders and I have to admit it scares me.

Thank you everyone for the tips on getting a geriatric doctor.

 

[VRBeauty]

Helping aging parents is not for sissies.

I think the best advice I can offer is to be aggressive about the parents medical care to the extent that you can, especially if there are procedures or medications that can help prevent problems in the future. The specific situation I was dealing with was that my father had glaucoma that he was keeping in check with eye drops. I didn’t realize that it could have been treated more effectively with a simple surgery. It was something he and his doctor did not consider because my father was a very disciplined person in that way and was very diligent about using the eyedrops regularly. At some point there was a medical crisis – I don’t even remember exactly what it was - that disrupted his routines for quite a while and the eyedrops fell by the wayside for a while. In the next visit to his eye doctor, it was determined that he had lost his vision in one eye. So in hindsight, we should have pressed for getting that surgery while we still could and it might’ve prevented the loss of vision in that eye.

I had primary responsibility for my father for the five years of so that he lived after my mother passed away, which was about six months after I retired. I was fortunate in that we did find someone who lived with in with him for the last two years of his life. When she initially moved in he just needed help with food prep and light housekeeping, which she did in exchange for a place to live with her two dogs and a cat, and a small weekly stipend. As his care needs increased her pay also increased; some of it was paid (with her OK) in arrears after my father died and we sold his home. We also guaranteed her three months housing after my father passed away so that she would have time to find someplace else to live. As it turned out, we took our time getting the house ready for the market and she was able to live there with utilities paid for about nine months. (One of the things my parents did right was that when they built their home, they included a large room with a half bath and separate entrance in anticipation of the possibility that they might need a live-in help at some point, and that was the room we were able to offer her.)

Even though we had this help, obviously in full-time care of job is more than you can expect from one person. Since I was retired and my two younger brothers were (and are) still working, I was the person who provided that back up and who is responsible for day-to-day decisions and running the household. My own house was about two hours away, and I was single for the first year or two that I had this responsibility, and I was at my father’s house more than I was at my own much of the time. I’d like to say that I handled this responsibility graciously but that would be a lie. I was anxious much of the time and resentful about the lack of help I was getting from my brothers, and I was concerned that my own world was falling apart while I was looking after my father. My now-husband came into my life about halfway through this time and served as a lifeline even before we started dating, calling me every few weeks just to say hi and see how I was doing. I’m not sure what I would have done without him.

The other bit of advice I have may be hard to swallow - don’t be afraid to turn to hospice care for help when it’s appropriate. Where my parents lived, hospice care meant regular visits from nurses, help with home health care once or twice a week, and help with supplies, medications, and the use of a hospital bed. Apparently a lot of people delay hospice care as long as possible because it means acknowledging that the end is near, and that’s something that we as a society don’t do well. Where my parents lived, the hospice nurses told me that people are generally in hospice care for less than two weeks, which means that the families are without that help before that. My mother was among those; she was under hospice care for about two weeks before she died of colon cancer (but in her case that might have been appropriate - she was doing fairly well until her disease progressed very rapidly at the end.) I think we had hospice care for my father for two or three months.

When my oldest brother decided to stop his cancer treatments, about a year after my mother passed away, he moved from his home in “the big city” to my parents’ rural home to spend the last few months of his life and entered into hospice care there. He was in hospice care for two months. This time in hospice provided a cautionary tale however. His cancer was in the throat and the tumors were large and very obvious to the casual observer. The hospice nurses wanted to discontinue his feeding because they were afraid he would die of choking on his food because of the tumors. He drafted a very detailed set of instructions as to when he wanted feeding to cease. Fortunately he was still formally under the care of his doctor in the big city, who agreed with his plan, and his directives were followed. (Ultimately the feeding decision was made for us when his body started rejecting food a day or two before his death.)

Hospice care is not a panacea and it’s not necessarily all that easy for the family. The nurses are not available 24/7, and you sometimes have to make decisions about when to administer medications (painkillers) that aren’t easy to make on behalf of someone you love. But it can be a real help too, and it allows your loved one to die at home (or, in some places, in a hospice facility) rather than in a hospital setting.

BTW we are now helping provide care for my MIL, who has been bedridden for over 18 months now. Her longtime partner cared for her pretty much alone through the worst of the pandemic, and he is now at his breaking point. The vaccinated among us - much of my hubby’s family is not- are now able to step up and provide some help. I know from my experience that the help my husband and vaccinated sibs are offering is not enough… yet. But that’s a story for another day.