LiW this is killing me!

[mimzy]

first off, i would like to say how happy i am to know that there are other girls like me out there! i thought there was something seriously wrong with me until i read a lot of your entries and they expressed everything i have been feeling to a tee.

my boyfriend and i have been dating a little over two and a half years and right from the start we knew it was for good. he always said how he couldnt' wait to get married and how as soon as he got a job after he graduated it would happen. well, he got a job eight months ago, has had the "fund" at max capacity for about five months, and i still have no ring. It wouldn't be a huge deal, except I graduated this past spring and am starting grad school in september. i know that my parents will not be thrilled at the idea of trying to plan a wedding,get married and go to school at the same time, so i know they will want me to wait to be finished. but the last thing i want to do is spend the entire two years of grad school thinking about and dreaming about and planning my wedding (especially when i know what i want....). i would go crazy and i would probably be unhappy! also, we have no plans to live together before we are married, so i will be living on my own completely off of loans until we are married (which i know is not a reason to get married - but it certainly refutes any financial reasons to wait). well anyways, i wanted to get married this upcoming winter (late - like feb. or march and i've always wanted a winter wedding). I liked the idea of having the summer and christmas break to plan and getting it over quickly (a year would be waaaayyy to long for me). well, summer is almost gone and my chances of having the wedding that i want when i want it are quickly slipping out the window. i know that if i get a ring and then a week later i start grad school then none of my parents are going to even entertain the idea of a winter wedding. i know that my bf has picked out a setting and is search of a center stone - but he is so picky! every stone that they show him he finds something wrong with - either the table percentage is two tenths off or the crown height is too low or the spread is too small or it is an I color (GIA mind you!that is fine! it won't look yellow!) and he doesn't understand my anxiety or sense of urgency. I feel like a horrible person because i have honestly NAGGED him about this. in retrospect i realize that it is terrible. but that doesn't help me feel less hurt by his lack of consideration for my situation. i think he is the one person in the world that doesn't experience stress, so he has no idea what i am going to be facing. i am usually okay, but often enough i get really angry and bitter, and i just have this feeling that when the time does finally come, i am going to be so disenchanted and, well, pissed that it is too late to have the wedding that i wanted that it is going to ruin it. this is pretty much making me hate myself and wonder why he even wants to marry me in the first place.

I am not a control freak. things don't have to go exactly my way and i know that! but it is our wedding! isn't that the one thing that should go exactly how you want it to?i just want to be married to him. and i just have this feeling of impending doom that it isn't going to work out the way that i want it to. not only that, but i am scared it is going to end up in a fight between me and my parents and it is going to ruin an already bittersweet engagement. i'm sorry for being so whiny, i just had to get it off my chest!

 

[Pandora II]

Hi Mimzy! welcome to PS and the nightmare of being a LIW...

You probably won''t like the advice I''m going to give, but I''ll say it anyway...

I think you really need to calm down for your own sake. The fact your bf is putting so much time and effort into getting the perfect ring is something you should be celebrating - this is a ring that you will have for the rest of your life and whilst you may not care about an I colour now in the rush to get engaged you might well do a year or two from now.

Is there really such a rush to get married so quickly - seems to me that it would be a nightmare trying to arrange something now for this winter. You have the rest of your lives together and if it''s meant to be that way it won''t make any difference to wait till you have finished with school. You still seem to be very dependent on your parents and their wishes and thoughts - you might be better waiting till you and your FI are more independent and can make your own decisions based only on yourselves.

It worries me that you seem to be so much more into the idea of your perfect wedding when you want it and not into the getting married for the right reasons. I can understand people getting jaded and disenchanted with a bf that still hasn''t proposed after 7 years or so, or a guy who won''t set a date after getting married but you are not in that situation at all - why would you ever be disenchanted at marrying the man you love? Weddings are merely frills - yes most of us want one and want it to look the way we have always imagined, but certainly for me at the end of the day I wouldn''t care if it was just me, FI and a registrar.

 

[mimzy]

thanks for the advice, etc - i do know that i need to calm down.

it''s not so much that i am dependent on my parents - i''ve lived on my own for the past four years and am a very independent person. But I am very close with them, and i would be heartbroken if they didn''t back us on what we wanted to do. and i am really touched that he is putting so much effort into finding a good stone - but i can say with all certainty that i would rather have a smaller diamond than put off getting married for a year (which is what we would do if it isn''t this winter). and I think i may have come across as wedding crazed - that''s not really it....we both want a very small and simple winter wedding and i think that can be accomplished in 6 months. I wouldn''t want a wedding that would take years to plan anyways....it''s just not me OR us. the reason i want to ''bang out'' this wedding so to speak is because i am just ready to get on with our life together - i don''t want a huge, drawn out, elaborate process. i always see these brides that are engaged for a year and a half and it drives them crazy. i know that is the norm and totally perfect, but it just isn''t me.

and i know it hasn''t been seven years or anything, but we have been talking about it for well over a year and a half. i guess part of the problem is that i feel mislead about how soon it was going to happen, and i suppose that is where the disenchantment comes from.

i just feel so ashamed!

 

[hopefulheidi]

"i just have this feeling that when the time does finally come, i am going to be so disenchanted and, well, pissed that it is too late to have the wedding that i wanted that it is going to ruin it." <=== I Seem to recall starting a thread or three about a similiar sentiment regarding waiting and the toll it has taken on my excitement over the proposal. This whole waiting game is one giant emotional roller coaster and sometimes it is really difficult to imagine making it off the ride in one (sane) piece. Luckily reading through this forum has been a big help in this regard (as I''m sure you''ll find). It appears that a lot of ladies have experienced the same feelings when the wait was dragging on and on and yet they''ve managed to face the proposal and the wedding with an increased sense of excitement and enthusiasm. I''m sure the same can happen for you

Although I''m not yet off the ride, I''ve experienced my own share of (very) low points over the past 6 years and yet the last few weeks my joy and hope and happiness on this whole proposal/wedding thing has suddenly been renewed. My boyfriend is (finally) having the ring made and we''re talking about photographers and cakes and menus and musicians and he''s finally being a willing and active participant in this process and it feels amazing!! Seeing him step up to the plate has restored my good feelings towards this process.

There were times when I was tempted to donate Nate''s body to science (before he was done with it) when I found that his feet dragging had caused me to miss out on what I believed to be my dream venue or my chosen musical group but a lesson I''ve learned time and time again is that everything turns out the way it is supposed to and that waiting sometimes really is for the best. I (possibly) could have pushed Nate in to the wedding *I* wanted, but then it wouldn''t have been the wedding we''re having fun planning Together. I''d much rather have waited and have the good feelings/memories attached to the planning process than to spend the rest of my life remembering just how much I had to brow beat him in to giving me exactly what I wanted.

That being said, you are completely right for feeling frustrated. This is a very trying and stressful process. Some days are better than others but luckily we''ve got this forum to help us through the bad days.

~Heidi

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 7/17/2007 9:58:56 AM
Author:mimzy
i get really angry and bitter, and i just have this feeling that when the time does finally come, i am going to be so disenchanted and, well, pissed that it is too late to have the wedding that i wanted that it is going to ruin it. this is pretty much making me hate myself and wonder why he even wants to marry me in the first place.

I am not a control freak. things don''t have to go exactly my way and i know that! but it is our wedding! isn''t that the one thing that should go exactly how you want it to? i just want to be married to him. and i just have this feeling of impending doom that it isn''t going to work out the way that i want it to.

Oh boy. I know you''re just venting ... but this venting, especially as evidenced by the two bolded statements, doesn''t exactly scream "maturity". The 2nd sentence made me laugh out loud. SERIOUSLY. As. If. As IF weddings went smoothly!! Did you read the recent thread where an elaborately planned wedding taking place at the largest mansion in America, with a hand sewn vintage lace dress etc etc was cancelled at the last minute because the Groom''s mother died of heart failure less than a week beforehand? Their rings were already inscribed with the date -- so they ended up marrying on a beach without key family members present ... because they wanted to be MARRIED.

The first sentence I bolded -- makes me wonder how long have you been together?? Being able to spring back from disappointment & forgive & GET THE FREAK OVER STUFF is what defines long-lasting relationships. If you fuss about being able to "get over" DELAYS IN GETTING A DIAMOND RING GIFT or feel "misled" about a non-specific timetable (which blames HIM, not "miscommunication between BOTH parties") it just doesn''t bode well. I really, really, really suggest you work on your tolerance of discomfort, having a forgiving/patient spirit, and being able to MOVE FORWARD with a happy spirit even if things don''t go "exactly as you wish them to". If you can do those things - I''d bet you''d "hate" yourself less ... and actually KNOW why he wants to marry you.

 

[mimzy]

i guess i didn''t explain myself fully

- the whole "isn''t that the one thing that should go exactly how you want it to?" bit was about making decision about your wedding. i''m not talking about things running smoothly. i''m talking about planning your wedding based on what you and your fiance want, not what other people say you should or think is better. sorry if that was taken the wrong way.

- i didn''t say that i blamed him for feeling mislead. i know he would never do that intentionally.

- i know that once it does happen i will be ecstatic and grateful. i was just being honest about my fears of having disappointment about the time it is actually going to take to start our lives together trump it.

 

[decodelighted]

Hey Mimzy ...

I wish all the best for you, truly! I'm spelling my views out plainly because I hope it cuts through & resonates. Some of the best advice I've ever gotten might be considered harsh or uncomfie at the time ... but, in the long run, I've recognized it's truth & the deliverer's intent. (examples "Lower Your Expectations!" ... "Toughen Up" ... "It's not all about YOU")

Date: 7/17/2007 11:59:27 AM
Author: mimzy
- the whole 'isn't that the one thing that should go exactly how you want it to?' bit was about making decision about your wedding. i'm talking about planning your wedding based on what you and your fiance want, not what other people say you should or think is better.

Respectfully, just read the Brides Worldwide threads ... read The Knot ... I think that you'll quickly see that it's an idealistic fantasy to think that your wedding will just be about "what you and your fiance want" unless, perhaps, you are paying for it entirely yourselves ... and, probably, eloping. It's the exact same divide between "ideal world" and "real world" that holds true here as well.

- i didn't say that i blamed him for feeling mislead. i know he would never do that intentionally.

Your language betrays you. When one is "misled" ... it blames the "liar". Phrasing it (and truly believing) that it is a "joint miscommunication" or "different expectations" keeps blame out of it. A recent study about long-wed couples could predict divorce among parties who generally blamed the other for whatever went wrong. When it was their "reflex" reaction to blame. When the started tying together "SPOUSE" with "BAD THING" in their subconcious minds. I'm just point out how subtle perceptions & the stories WE TELL OURSELVES about "what happened" can DRASTICALLY affect our perceptions & our actions & our feelings. You can tell yourself that you were "misled" (i.e. -- i was tricked, he lied, poor me) or you can tell yourself that there was a "miscommunication" (i.e. -- maybe I got too excited, maybe I WISHED it would be sooner, maybe he IMPLIED it would be sooner - we just don't know "the truth")

- i know that once it does happen i will be ecstatic and grateful. i was just being honest about my fears of having disappointment about the time it is actually going to take to start our lives together trump it.

I'm sorry that you fear that. That you fear a temporary bump in the road of "the perfect plan" will distort & sour the exciting engagement period. I think it would help you to realize that there is never one "perfect plan" ... if one doesn't work out ... there's the next "awesome plan" and if that doesn't work out "maybe an even better plan". It's not an insult to say that your way of thinking is perhaps an inexperienced one. Maybe you're used to things going your way & haven't faced many setbacks or realized yet that you can survive imperfection. But YOU WILL. It's coming, if it hasn't yet. That's why I'm taking the time to write these thoughts down. Maybe they'll help in the long run. I certainly hope they do. I don't really expect that you'll appreciate it now quite so much.

 

[bee*]

Welcome to Pricescope
I agree with some of the others in that first of all you need to calm down a bit! It's not like your bf isn't interested in getting engaged etc-he's picking a ring for you and I think that you should let him pick the one that he wants to. Does he know that you want to get married in a few months? If so, is that what he wants too? Also there is nothing to stop the two of you booking things now and getting engaged when he finds the perfect ring.

 

[Independent Gal]

Hmmm... I can understand your perspective AND your excitement. But I agree that you should relax and take your time.

According to what you''ve posted, you''re 22 and just out of college. You have never supported yourself in the "real world". Most of your relationship with this guy has been a college student relationship. Now, some people do absolutely great in the long run under those conditions, while many others have serious problems as the realtiy of day-to-day grown up life outside a protected dorm environment sets in. For some people those would be ''red flags''. I''m not saying that''s the case with you guys, we don''t really know anything about you guys!

Just that, if your guy is taking his time, that might well be sensible and for the best. Maybe he even sees it that way? And if he does, that says a lot for his good sense.

So if you relax for a while and make your way in life, it certainly won''t hurt you and it might help your relationship in the long run too!

Now, if you were 34 and wanted kids, or if you''d been together 8 years and you were getting antsy about whether he was serious, I''d say "Tell that boy to get a move on!" But at your age and with his commitment, there''s really no huge rush to get an answer (or rather a quesion) is there? Except, as you say, wanting him to be able to support you while you''re in grad school (but wouldn''t it be nice to look after YOURSELF for a while before moving from your dad''s care to your husband''s?) I mean, other than being excited!! (Which I totally get). There''s always next year for the winter wedding.

Cheer up! You''re only 22 and you already found your guy. That''s great! Think of the wedding as a little delayed gratification.

 

[mimzy]

eek! working backwards.....

independant gal - we dated through college but we didn''t go to college together. we made time for each other between classes and work on the weekends. also, i''ve supported myself for the past four years living on my own so i''m not really going from daddys care to his... (do i really sound like that big of a baby?!?!)

bee - he does know what i would "like" to do and he doesn''t oppose it. he said that i could/should start planning now so that when it does happen it is a little more feasible to do it this upcoming winter. we have it narrowed down to a few venues, etc and i know what i would like in terms of, well, pretty much everything....it''s just hard to do anything else without actually being engaged..

decodelighted - i appreciate your time and brutal honesty. i guess i didnt'' consider the connotation but even so - i said i "feel/felt" misled, not that i was misled. we just had different ideas of what "as soon as possible" meant and i''m not holding that against him...i have no problem saying it was a miscommunication, much less would i ever accuse him of tricking me! and just because i am not 27 or 28 doesn''t mean that this is the first "road bump" that i''ve encountered in my life - i''ve had plenty of setbacks, probably like most of you (like i said, i''ve been on my own for the past four years working and going to school full time) and i have enough faith to know that if one plan doesn''t go exactly how i want it to that there will be another one that will be fine. but who wouldn''t do everything they could to make sure plan A was a possibility? i don''t think that is being overly idealistic.

 

[DMBsGirl]

I totally understand what you mean! My bf and I have been together eight years. I know, sounds nuts, but we got together right out of high school. We both went away to college and I went to grad school for three years, engagement during that time was not feasible as neither of us was financially independent. Now, finally, he owns his own apartment and we''ve lived together for four months. For the past year, I have been impatiently waiting. I was also at that bitter/resentful point. Like you, I would love a short engagement. I work in two schools, so a wedding would really have to accomodate school vacations. I thought a x-mas wedding would be lovely, but december is only five months away and i''m not engaged. So unfortunately, I guess I will have to let go of that idea and maybe adjust to the idea of a spring or summer wedding

I had a big blowout with my bf the other day and he told me i needed to be patient, and that if i continue to nag i will take the excitement out of it for both of us. He also said to me that it is important for him too, and he would like to be able to do whatever he has planned instead of worrying about having to do it NOW because I refuse to wait.
It sounds like your boyfriend is taking this very seriously and wants to get it perfectly, kind of like mine. It sucks, and nothing will make it easier, but you know that if you stress him out and get angry then the actual moment will not be as nice.
Also, keep in mind that boys will not propose after a nagging session or blowout, that usually makes them wait longer! So in the meantime come here and complain to us!

 

[mimzy]

dmbsgirl thank you for understanding!! i know nothing is going to make it easier! we actually recently a talk too and after i realized what kind of effort he was really putting into it (he showed me a secret email account dating back a few months full of emails from vendors, etc) i haven''t gotten mad/upset about it (but i certainly did feel horrible for questioning him like i did). I''ve definatly put a lot more effort into being more (or at least appearing more) positive about it. Maybe you can shoot for a mid winter break wedding!!

 

[DivaDiamond007]

While I am sympathetic to your situation, I must ask why are you in such a hurry to get married? You are young (so am I) and maybe you''ve been with him for a while but it does not sound like you are ready to be married. Weddings and marriages are not perfect. I had a few snafus at my wedding and my husband and I have gone through some tough times. Things do not always go as planned.

I think you need to calm down and take a deep breath. Sit down and have an "adult" talk with him to make sure you are on the same page. Maybe set up some sort of timeline to share with him - engaged by xx/xx/xxxx and wedding date of xx/xx/xxxx - if he''s agreeable then go from there. If he''s not then maybe he''s not ready for the biggest commitment of his (and your) life. If he''s not ready for that sort of decision then the best thing to do is wait - even if it''s not what YOU want.

Jess

 

[mimzy]

i''m anxious to get married for the same reason everyone else does - i am ready to start my life with him. and we have had "adult" talks, we''ve talked about a timeline and he is ready as well (or else he would not be buying a ring -he''s not the kind of person who could be pressured into doing anything). we''ve talked about the pros and cons and we both want to and are ready. Obviously things don''t always go as planned - i''m not an idiot! I know that marriage isn''t always perfect - as aren''t relationships.

I regret posting this to begin with. I know that things don''t work out perfect - but i didn''t think that this forum was going to be such a harsh critic of such somewhat realistic hopes. I''m sorry that being anxious about something that i know is coming has made me immature and idealistic. and i''m sorry for venting my frustration over the timing - i guess i misinterpreted the point of the forum.

i''m really not trying to sound mean!

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 7/17/2007 4:44:39 PM
Author: mimzy
i didn''t think that this forum was going to be such a harsh critic of such somewhat realistic hopes. I''m sorry that being anxious about something that i know is coming has made me immature and idealistic.

Look -- everyone gets anxious. As you''ve seen from other posts in the LIW forum (if you''ve read them). It''s the LEVEL of anxiety and the EXPECTATIONS as stated that may be coming across as immature and overly idealistic.

No one is asking you to apologize for how you''re feeling -- we''re offering you questions to ask yourself to help CALM YOURSELF DOWN. It''s not a judgement. No one''s saying you''re weird or bad or silly or whatever.

Becoming defensive is the opposite of ABSORBING. Ya don''t have to take the suggestions, you can ignore the advice & choose to nit-pick about what we''re understanding or not understanding based on the words you''ve written. But, really - what''s your goal? To find ways to pro-actively calm yourself down & have a shot at actually ENJOYING your future engagement/wedding -- or-- to find unwavering, unquestioning, warm-blanket sympathy? For option B -- look into pets.

 

[stbfyffe]

I think we can all agree that when you know that you are to receive something of this magnitude that the waiting SUCKS.

I get through it by telling myself that everyday that passes is one day closer to my ring ...and I have started to read again. I find that his really helps take my mind of things.

Arguing and nagging is not going to make the proposal come any faster...believe me I know!

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 7/17/2007 11:42:38 AM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 7/17/2007 9:58:56 AM
Author:mimzy
i get really angry and bitter, and i just have this feeling that when the time does finally come, i am going to be so disenchanted and, well, pissed that it is too late to have the wedding that i wanted that it is going to ruin it. this is pretty much making me hate myself and wonder why he even wants to marry me in the first place.

I am not a control freak. things don''t have to go exactly my way and i know that! but it is our wedding! isn''t that the one thing that should go exactly how you want it to? i just want to be married to him. and i just have this feeling of impending doom that it isn''t going to work out the way that i want it to.

Oh boy. I know you''re just venting ... but this venting, especially as evidenced by the two bolded statements, doesn''t exactly scream ''maturity''. The 2nd sentence made me laugh out loud. SERIOUSLY. As. If. As IF weddings went smoothly!! Did you read the recent thread where an elaborately planned wedding taking place at the largest mansion in America, with a hand sewn vintage lace dress etc etc was cancelled at the last minute because the Groom''s mother died of heart failure less than a week beforehand? Their rings were already inscribed with the date -- so they ended up marrying on a beach without key family members present ... because they wanted to be MARRIED.

The first sentence I bolded -- makes me wonder how long have you been together?? Being able to spring back from disappointment & forgive & GET THE FREAK OVER STUFF is what defines long-lasting relationships. If you fuss about being able to ''get over'' DELAYS IN GETTING A DIAMOND RING GIFT or feel ''misled'' about a non-specific timetable (which blames HIM, not ''miscommunication between BOTH parties'') it just doesn''t bode well. I really, really, really suggest you work on your tolerance of discomfort, having a forgiving/patient spirit, and being able to MOVE FORWARD with a happy spirit even if things don''t go ''exactly as you wish them to''. If you can do those things - I''d bet you''d ''hate'' yourself less ... and actually KNOW why he wants to marry you.

Deco I actually have no need to comment because you just took the words out of my mouth, including the parts you noticed and bolded. I read a whole lot of "ME" and what "I" want even though the poster said "we" for some of it.

Mimzy, it''s fine to come and vent...that seems to be what the LIW forum is for...to share joys, anxieties and frustrations. It''s OK to be anxious, but when you ask for people to commiserate, some will want to help you by wanting to know WHY you are feeling that way. As Deco said, the level of your anxiety and the reasons for it seem a cause for folks to tell you to calm down a bit. You, yourself said that you feel like a horrible person for all the nagging. I don''t think you are a horrible person, but I''d agree...quit the nagging.