The "Economy Excuse"

[decodelighted]

From the NY Times Sunday Styles section

A 28-year-old business student in Chicago admitted that he was using the recession to justify his cold feet in proposing marriage to his partner.

“It’s providing a good excuse,” he said. “I’ve been with my partner now almost three years, it’s coming up on time, at least in my traditional family values sense.” Since his original plan was to fly off to Paris or the Caribbean over Valentine’s Day to propose, it’s easy enough to leave the impression that it is worth delaying the trip in order to save thousands of dollars, given the state of the economy, he said.

Like many interviewed for this article, the business student requested anonymity because, essentially, he was admitting to being a fibber.

 

[Lauren8211]

Uncool. So uncool.

Why can''t men just live up to their responsibilities and be honest with the women they claim to love? What is so hard about honesty?

I read crap like this and I thank my lucky stars my FF and I are honest with each other... even if the reality is that I''ll be waiting about 6 more months.

 

[purrfectpear]

Why aren't they honest? How would that "honest" conversation go?

"Umm, I don't really want to marry you now. In fact I don't really want to get married at all, but I'll probably run out of excuses eventually when you put your foot down and it's marry or lose you. Until then it's all good with me."

What self respecting woman is going to hang around after that?

 

[AprilBaby]

Lame.

 

[misskitty]

Lame. I know that the economy is brutal right now, but that guy sounds like a tool.

 

[musey]

Wow, that''s a bummer.

I honestly feel that if people want to get engaged/married then they will get engaged/married. Money is not a valid excuse, just a convenient one. You need less than $100, in most states, to successfully get married. People can say they''re waiting to get engaged until they have the money, but really they''re just waiting to buy a blingy ring or go on a trip until they have the money. It''s not the engagement, it''s the frills that people ''expect'' to come with it.

Not that there''s anything wrong with that - as long as people realize that the frills aren''t necessary. They can wait all they want (if both parties are on board), but don''t say it''s the engagement that requires money. It''s not. It''s the ring.

 

[fieryred33143]

What he said confused me, hence why so many women get confused by their men:

“I’ve been with my partner now almost three years, it’s coming up on time, at least in my traditional family values sense.”

Ok so he has a timeframe according to him and based off of his traditional family values...but yet he''s hesitating to propose.

Does that mean that maybe he doesn''t want to marry the girl he''s with? Because it sounds to me like he does want to get married.

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 2/13/2009 1:44:58 PM
Author: purrfectpear
Why aren''t they honest? How would that ''honest'' conversation go?

''Umm, I don''t really want to marry you now. In fact I don''t really want to get married at all, but I''ll probably run out of excuses eventually when you put your foot down and it''s marry or lose you. Until then it''s all good with me.''

What self respecting woman is going to hang around after that?

Ha. Probably none. I guess I''m just spoiled in that FF was very clear with me about what he thought about engagement, and when he thought it would likely happen. He''s never waivered, and drops me hints all the time just so I know that he''s still thinking of it, and he''s on track.

To be fair... I would appreciate an "I dont know" if that was honest. Then I can make my decision based on fact, and not lies. Is that so much to ask from men? Sheesh!

 

[tlh]

That is why it is important for ladies to have their own internal timeline - that is not discussed out loud. Ok to tell your man what is going on... but I am a testiment to putting your $$ where your mouth is. I think my DH new that... because my deadline was 12/31. If I wasn''t proposed to by then, I''d leave. I think he didn''t do it THAT night because well... knowing me... at the stroke of midnight... I''d be kissing someone else!

But that boy deserves a knuckle sandwich.

 

[gwendolyn]

I think guys (or gals) who are going to wimp out when it comes to marriage and commitment would find another excuse if the economy wasn't crap at the moment. Anyone who wants to avoid marriage can make up tons of excuses; the ones who want to make it happen will make it happen, even if it's difficult.

 

[idreamofcushions]

Geez what a jerk.

Musey, I totally agree with you. Where there''s a will, there''s a way.

We''ve been waiting almost two years to get engaged for financial reasons. Unfortunately, our stocks ("the ring fund") plummeted. But thankfully, SO is not using that as an excuse. We are taking the little bit of money we saved and picking out a ring in two weeks! It''ll be smaller than he originally wanted to get for me, but that doesn''t matter in the least bit to me. I''m just ready to spend the rest of my life with him.

Unfortunately, I''m sure many girls get suckered by the "economy" excuse.

Too bad.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Like you really can''t propose without taking her to Paris or the Carribbean. Give me a break! Save the thousands and take her to a very nice restaurant in Chicago. He''d save the thousands from the trip and she''d have what she (apparently) wants..to be engaged. I hope she figures this guy out before she wastes too much more time.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 2/13/2009 4:13:50 PM
Author: gwendolyn
I think guys (or gals) who are going to wimp out when it comes to marriage and commitment would find another excuse if the economy wasn''t crap at the moment. Anyone who wants to avoid marriage can make up tons of excuses; the ones who want to make it happen will make it happen, even if it''s difficult.

Agreed! I have seen many posters here with BF''s with similar excuses sadly enough...

 

[Gypsy]

Okay so... the guy sounds like a loser. But (and don't kill me) but we're only getting half the story. Yes, a person who truly wants to get married and make a commitment to the person they love doesn't need the frills. But sometimes ladies do give guys the impression that they need the frills as some sort of proof that the guy is serious. It seems to me, from life observatiions, that some couples don't TALK... they just assume. So, the woman wants to get engaged and she hints about it by dragging the guy to the diamond counter at the jewelry store... and the guy assumes that anything less than whatever it is she liked is not acceptable... instead of just talking to her and saying... "I want to marry you, but I am worried about the economy, is it okay if I get you a simple ring, instead of the 2.0 carat Tiffany's Legacy you wanted, because I want to keep the money I have saved to protect us in the event things get worse." And, some women I've met would dump the guy for even suggesting that. Some people think that after 3 years, you have to get married, because it's the next step, and don't really stop to think... if I have cold feet maybe this isn't the right person for me, and instead of proposing... I should just break up with the person and get on with my life.

Also, that guy's GF could EXPECT the fancy trip, the engagement story of a lifetime, and a 2 carat designer ring. And she won't 'settle' for less, because 'she's worth more.' Because her friends have had that, or because she wants to outdo one of her friends, or she has entitlement issues, or she's shallow, or because she's confused the engagement and the wedding with the marriage. It happens. 5 minutes on the knot and you'll see it, larger than life.

I don't know. Yes, he might be a liar, but the person he might be lying to is himself. Maybe she's a demanding PITA, and he's jumping on any excuse not to marry her... she has the same background as him, she's convenient, and his friends think she's hot. But... deep down he knows it's not right. It might not be HIM, it could be her. Or just them... maybe they aren't right for each other but they are both okay people who are too lazy to break up.

So I guess what I am saying is.. maybe it's not marriage he's avoiding. It's marriage to HER. Or maybe not and he really is a shmuck. Eh... what do I know.

 

[mausketeer]

Date: 2/14/2009 3:27:03 AM
Author: Gypsy
Okay so... the guy sounds like a loser. But (and don''t kill me) but we''re only getting half the story. Yes, a person who truly wants to get married and make a commitment to the person they love doesn''t need the frills. But sometimes ladies do give guys the impression that they need the frills as some sort of proof that the guy is serious. It seems to me, from life observatiions, that some couples don''t TALK... they just assume. So, the woman wants to get engaged and she hints about it by dragging the guy to the diamond counter at the jewelry store... and the guy assumes that anything less than whatever it is she liked is not acceptable... instead of just talking to her and saying... ''I want to marry you, but I am worried about the economy, is it okay if I get you a simple ring, instead of the 2.0 carat Tiffany''s Legacy you wanted, because I want to keep the money I have saved to protect us in the event things get worse.'' And, some women I''ve met would dump the guy for even suggesting that. Some people think that after 3 years, you have to get married, because it''s the next step, and don''t really stop to think... if I have cold feet maybe this isn''t the right person for me, and instead of proposing... I should just break up with the person and get on with my life.


Also, that guy''s GF could EXPECT the fancy trip, the engagement story of a lifetime, and a 2 carat designer ring. And she won''t ''settle'' for less, because ''she''s worth more.'' Because her friends have had that, or because she wants to outdo one of her friends, or she has entitlement issues, or she''s shallow, or because she''s confused the engagement and the wedding with the marriage. It happens. 5 minutes on the knot and you''ll see it, larger than life.


I don''t know. Yes, he might be a liar, but the person he might be lying to is himself. Maybe she''s a demanding PITA, and he''s jumping on any excuse not to marry her... she has the same background as him, she''s convenient, and his friends think she''s hot. But... deep down he knows it''s not right. It might not be HIM, it could be her. Or just them... maybe they aren''t right for each other but they are both okay people who are too lazy to break up.


So I guess what I am saying is.. maybe it''s not marriage he''s avoiding. It''s marriage to HER. Or maybe not and he really is a shmuck. Eh... what do I know.

>>>>>

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Date: 2/14/2009 3:27:03 AM
Author: Gypsy
Okay so... the guy sounds like a loser. But (and don''t kill me) but we''re only getting half the story. Yes, a person who truly wants to get married and make a commitment to the person they love doesn''t need the frills. But sometimes ladies do give guys the impression that they need the frills as some sort of proof that the guy is serious. It seems to me, from life observatiions, that some couples don''t TALK... they just assume. So, the woman wants to get engaged and she hints about it by dragging the guy to the diamond counter at the jewelry store... and the guy assumes that anything less than whatever it is she liked is not acceptable... instead of just talking to her and saying... ''I want to marry you, but I am worried about the economy, is it okay if I get you a simple ring, instead of the 2.0 carat Tiffany''s Legacy you wanted, because I want to keep the money I have saved to protect us in the event things get worse.'' And, some women I''ve met would dump the guy for even suggesting that. Some people think that after 3 years, you have to get married, because it''s the next step, and don''t really stop to think... if I have cold feet maybe this isn''t the right person for me, and instead of proposing... I should just break up with the person and get on with my life.

Also, that guy''s GF could EXPECT the fancy trip, the engagement story of a lifetime, and a 2 carat designer ring. And she won''t ''settle'' for less, because ''she''s worth more.'' Because her friends have had that, or because she wants to outdo one of her friends, or she has entitlement issues, or she''s shallow, or because she''s confused the engagement and the wedding with the marriage. It happens. 5 minutes on the knot and you''ll see it, larger than life.

I don''t know. Yes, he might be a liar, but the person he might be lying to is himself. Maybe she''s a demanding PITA, and he''s jumping on any excuse not to marry her... she has the same background as him, she''s convenient, and his friends think she''s hot. But... deep down he knows it''s not right. It might not be HIM, it could be her. Or just them... maybe they aren''t right for each other but they are both okay people who are too lazy to break up.

So I guess what I am saying is.. maybe it''s not marriage he''s avoiding. It''s marriage to HER. Or maybe not and he really is a shmuck. Eh... what do I know.

Very true, Gypsy! If she is that self-centered and demanding, no wonder he''s looking for excuses! It is impossible to tell what the truth is with limited information.

 

[FrekeChild]

He''s still an @$$.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

No reaason, just another lame exucse. What next--can''t plan a sunny honeymoom for the sunburn threat from "global warming"

cheers--Sharon

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 2/14/2009 5:46:31 PM
Author: canuk-gal
HI:

No reaason, just another lame exucse. What next--can''t plan a sunny honeymoom for the sunburn threat from ''global warming''

cheers--Sharon

HA! Exactly-there''s always an excuse if you don''t want to do something!

I also agree with neatfreak-some of the excuses BFs give the posters here are beyond lame.

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 2/14/2009 11:49:43 AM
Author: diamondseeker2006

Very true, Gypsy! If she is that self-centered and demanding, no wonder he's looking for excuses! It is impossible to tell what the truth is with limited information.

That's what I was trying to say.

If anyone has seen "He's just not that into you"... there is a line where the cheating husband says that "if you date a girl for too long and you don't propose your a jerk"... so THAT's why he proposed, and because she gave him an ultimatium. Not great reasons for marrying someone, but we all know it happens. I'm in no way saying that this is the reason why men (or women) cheat, but sometimes someone is making excuses for a reason. With another couple in that movie (which was painfully long BTW) the guy didn't believe in marriage, but was a great guy. He wasn't making excuses, and he was not a jerk, he just really didn't believe in marriage. What we DON'T know as outsiders, is what's really going on in anyone's realationship. And we certainly can't figure that out from an exerpt out of a newspaper.

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 2/15/2009 12:50:41 AM
Author: Gypsy

Date: 2/14/2009 11:49:43 AM
Author: diamondseeker2006

Very true, Gypsy! If she is that self-centered and demanding, no wonder he''s looking for excuses! It is impossible to tell what the truth is with limited information.

That''s what I was trying to say.

If anyone has seen ''He''s just not that into you''... there is a line where the cheating husband says that ''if you date a girl for too long and you don''t propose your a jerk''... so THAT''s why he proposed, and because she gave him an ultimatium. Not great reasons for marrying someone, but we all know it happens. I''m in no way saying that this is the reason why men (or women) cheat, but sometimes someone is making excuses for a reason. With another couple in that movie (which was painfully long BTW) the guy didn''t believe in marriage, but was a great guy. He wasn''t making excuses, and he was not a jerk, he just really didn''t believe in marriage. What we DON''T know as outsiders, is what''s really going on in anyone''s realationship. And we certainly can''t figure that out from an exerpt out of a newspaper.

I was in that situation - DH was very honest from the beginning that he didn''t believe in marriage, he therefore didn''t want to ''marry'' me, but he did want a permanent relationship with me - therefore the reason that he hadn''t proposed wasn''t because he had doubts as he didn''t, but because he didn''t see marriage as something that was necessary.

Although I was sad about this, in no way was I ever messed around or lied to. DH was entirely honest from the start about his feelings and intentions (oh, he didn''t want kids either...)

I told him with equal honesty that they were non-negotiables for me. We were engaged 6 months later, married last summer and first kid is due in 13 weeks.

However, I know a lot of people who have got married because they had been together x years and that was what the next stage should be - even though the relationship wasn''t that great. Or people are too scared of starting over to find the right person and so settle for Mr Nearly Right or Miss Good Enough.

 

[D2B]

Male or Female if you are truly delaying marriage because the stone is not big enough, or the surroundings (ie carrabean holiday) is not grand enough, then perhaphs you a) dont care enough about your partner to marrry them or b) you care too much about the material things. To clarify I am not talking about a couple saving up together on an agreed timeframe to have a nice wedding, ring, but rather the delay tactic used to stall weddings/engagements by some.

If you both really want to get married you do, simple ring, simple ceremony, and later when you both have money you upgrade or whatever suits you both. I mean look at the great depression, both world wars, the post war years in europe (there was not much money around), but people fell in love, married and raised families.

It makes we wonder when I read stuff like this how such couples will cope in a financial crisis or other problem situations life will most likely throw your way one day.

 

[Clairitek]

I almost used the economy excuse on myself before I got engaged. I had a mini freak-out about FI spending a ton of his savings on my ring. I told him we could either wait or he could get me a fantastic eternity band instead if he felt unsure about dropping so much money at that time.

I feel bad for that guy''s girlfriend. Though, I agree with Gypsy that we might not be getting the whole story. For all we know she could be totally demanding and be expecting a grand presentation and designer ring that simply isn''t in the cards.

 

[Dreamgirl]

Date: 2/14/2009 4:41:12 PM
Author: FrekeChild
He''s still an @$$.

lol that''s really all that needs to be said!