LiW Taking it personally

[absolut_blonde]

Do you ever have days where the whole LIW thing makes you just feel, well, crappy? Sometimes I just have those "Maybe he doesn't want to marry me! It must be that he's just not into me! Otherwise he'd be clamoring to get married ASAP!"

Now, I realize this is a little crazy. I know he cares about me very much because he tells me so and more importantly, his actions make it clear. He wants to talk out our disagreements, he does thoughtful things for me all the time, he basically IS the perfect boyfriend. I could go on, here, but rationally I have zero reason to even question how he feels. The whole thing seems even sillier when you consider that I'm truly not worried about whether he WILL propose. I just want it to happen sooner.

Yet... I can't help those fleeting thoughts. And they really suck.

Can anyone identify? Does anything help, when these moments hit?

 

[Shoopy]

For the response to your question, I will direct you to my followed shortly after.

So yes I feel you 100%. The waiting is harder than most people think. All I can tell you is that don''t replace the good years you have had with him with the desire to want to get engaged RIGHT NOW. It isn''t fair to him. If you really are doubting it, I''ll give you the same advice everyone gave me: talk to him about it. I bet he''ll ease your mind (and your heart) after discussing everything.

 

[jcarlylew]

I totally have those days too! sometimes more than ever with weddings and babyshowers too!! And i think it sucks harder when i realize too that i have no good basis for these thoughts

what helps me is when he makes "sacrafices" that kind of stomp those feelings. Its not like any guy is going to be willing to go hang out with my parents for 4 hours on a sunday night also what helps me is actually when he has to work nights and i hardley see him. then i just feel happy enough to see him

 

[ams0124]

I can feel that way sometimes for sure. For me the feeling comes from when BF and I start talking about the topic of marriage and getting engaged and everything that goes with it....picking out rings, talking about the season we might want to get married in, where we want to get married at... and then nothing ever happing to move towards that step. It sometimes makes me feel that he just says the things that he thinks I want to hear.

There''s this quote that I love and I think describes the mentality of most LIW..."When you find that person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to start now." I think that men come from a different mentality.... "Now that I''ve found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with I have to make sure that everything right now is perfect and ready before I can propose so the rest of our lives together will be perfect"

I don''t know if there''s a set thing that "helps" when the feeling starts...but to me it always seems that when I start to get lost in my thoughts about getting engaged and if it''s going to happen or when it''s going to happen...my BF always seems to call, or email, or when we get home say something that brings me back to clarity. I realize that the rest of my life has started...and that the engagement/wedding is just the public anouncement. Sure when it happens I''ll be out of my head excited....and it is a major aspect in a relationship...but I try to remember that I''m happy, and I''m lucky to have something wonderful, and if waiting is what I must do, then I have no choice but to wait....and then I''ll go post something the help vent my frustrations

I agree that the feeling does suck...but hopefully it doesn''t last...
I don''t know if this post helps at all...or gives you any ideas on how to manage...I guess it was more to let you know that your definitely NOT alone...

 

[Lauren8211]

I totally agree with what AMS said. We just have to remember that while men''s and women''s intentions may be the same, they don''t see eye to eye on execution all the time. We may both equally want to get married, but sometimes men don''t see the rush when it''s already been decided.

Also, I absolutely have the same feelings as you do, AB! If women didn''t feel like men were dragging their feet all the time, I''m pretty sure the LIW board wouldn''t exist at all. You''re not alone!

 

[tessari]

I also know exactly how you feel. We are waiting until Spring 2009 and I don''t really understand why--he has enough money saved up, everyone (friends and family) knows it''s going to happen already, we already live together. It doesn''t help that everyone else wonders why he''s waiting. But I also don''t want to pressure him--this is a timeline he feels comfortable with so I have to agree to it. It''s nice having an end in sight.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Okay, a couple of things...

I think everyone, on PS and off, who wants to get engaged has this feeling of longing. So I think that you''re completely rational, esspecially when you spend time on this forum, to feel a little down and out sometimes. And believe me, feeling insecure isn''t just limited to LIW...on SMTR, you''ll start to believe everyone has 5ct diamonds except you...or...BWW, everyone has a designer wedding gown and a fancy destination wedding...this site can warp your reality.

My best, best, best advice is to just enjoy this time you have with your wonderful boyfriend. Because you''ll never get this simplicity back. You''ll get engaged, you''ll plan a wedding, you''ll get married, you''ll honeymoon, you''ll buy a house, you''ll start a family...but with each step forward you''re leaving behind what is soooo good about "right now". Right now, you get to anticipate his purposal. You don''t have to stress over seating charts, or fitting into your wedding dress. You can enjoy your date night every night, because he is still wooing you for all its worth. You can buy that designer handbag, or that exceptional pair of shoes without asking his opinion or for his approval, because your money is just your money...no jointness when it comes to the bank account.

There is goodness where you are right now and I think sometimes being a LIW makes you forget that. I hate the term LIW...waiting for what? You have it all right now...you''ll continue to add to your happiness and love over time...but you''re as great at this exact moment as you could possibly be.

If you''ll feel better...have a serious heart to heart with your man. Tell him about your feelings, hear his prespective. Any relationship leading towards marriage and after you are married is about a union, a meeting of the minds and hearts. If you want to be married, or engaged...make sure he knows that. He loves you, and your feelings are probably the most important thing in the world to him.

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 8/13/2008 2:54:33 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Okay, a couple of things...

I think everyone, on PS and off, who wants to get engaged has this feeling of longing. So I think that you''re completely rational, esspecially when you spend time on this forum, to feel a little down and out sometimes. And believe me, feeling insecure isn''t just limited to LIW...on SMTR, you''ll start to believe everyone has 5ct diamonds except you...or...BWW, everyone has a designer wedding gown and a fancy destination wedding...this site can warp your reality.

My best, best, best advice is to just enjoy this time you have with your wonderful boyfriend. Because you''ll never get this simplicity back. You''ll get engaged, you''ll plan a wedding, you''ll get married, you''ll honeymoon, you''ll buy a house, you''ll start a family...but with each step forward you''re leaving behind what is soooo good about ''right now''. Right now, you get to anticipate his purposal. You don''t have to stress over seating charts, or fitting into your wedding dress. You can enjoy your date night every night, because he is still wooing you for all its worth. You can buy that designer handbag, or that exceptional pair of shoes without asking his opinion or for his approval, because your money is just your money...no jointness when it comes to the bank account.

There is goodness where you are right now and I think sometimes being a LIW makes you forget that. I hate the term LIW...waiting for what? You have it all right now...you''ll continue to add to your happiness and love over time...but you''re as great at this exact moment as you could possibly be.

If you''ll feel better...have a serious heart to heart with your man. Tell him about your feelings, hear his prespective. Any relationship leading towards marriage and after you are married is about a union, a meeting of the minds and hearts. If you want to be married, or engaged...make sure he knows that. He loves you, and your feelings are probably the most important thing in the world to him.

Loved everything you had to say!

 

[vita*dolce]

i so have those days!!! actually.. yesterday was one of those days. my best friend (who has been with his girlfriend for a shorter time than i''ve been with my boyfriend) popped the question this weekend and he and his girl are now engaged. as happy as i am for him, i can''t help but wonder what the hold up is with me and my bf. logically, i know it''s money... engagement rings are expensive and so is getting married.. but it feels really personal sometimes, like if he really wanted it money wouldn''t be an issue... does that make sense??

so anyway, i totally understand what you''re going through. sorry, girl!!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 8/13/2008 3:02:34 PM
Author: vita*dolce
i so have those days!!! actually.. yesterday was one of those days. my best friend (who has been with his girlfriend for a shorter time than i''ve been with my boyfriend) popped the question this weekend and he and his girl are now engaged. as happy as i am for him, i can''t help but wonder what the hold up is with me and my bf. logically, i know it''s money... engagement rings are expensive and so is getting married.. but it feels really personal sometimes, like if he really wanted it money wouldn''t be an issue... does that make sense??

so anyway, i totally understand what you''re going through. sorry, girl!!

Vita*dolce...this is absolutely not snarky, I promise...simply an example...

I hate when people say "so and so got engaged before me and they haven''t been as long as me and my boyfriend have"

I got engaged 3 months after I met my DH...far, far, far quicker than expected, and obviously a lot faster than most (okay, lets be honest...ALL) my friends. Yet, I have an extremely happy marriage...we''re, by far, best friends. How long we were together had next to nothing to do with why we got engaged...we were madly, head over freakin heels, in love.

Everyone will get engaged when the time comes for them to get engaged...

You cannot messure you''re courtship against or to anyone elses because a relationship is an exclusively private thing...

When you know, you know. When you can, you can.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 8/13/2008 2:56:22 PM
Author: elledizzy5

Date: 8/13/2008 2:54:33 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Okay, a couple of things...

I think everyone, on PS and off, who wants to get engaged has this feeling of longing. So I think that you''re completely rational, esspecially when you spend time on this forum, to feel a little down and out sometimes. And believe me, feeling insecure isn''t just limited to LIW...on SMTR, you''ll start to believe everyone has 5ct diamonds except you...or...BWW, everyone has a designer wedding gown and a fancy destination wedding...this site can warp your reality.

My best, best, best advice is to just enjoy this time you have with your wonderful boyfriend. Because you''ll never get this simplicity back. You''ll get engaged, you''ll plan a wedding, you''ll get married, you''ll honeymoon, you''ll buy a house, you''ll start a family...but with each step forward you''re leaving behind what is soooo good about ''right now''. Right now, you get to anticipate his purposal. You don''t have to stress over seating charts, or fitting into your wedding dress. You can enjoy your date night every night, because he is still wooing you for all its worth. You can buy that designer handbag, or that exceptional pair of shoes without asking his opinion or for his approval, because your money is just your money...no jointness when it comes to the bank account.

There is goodness where you are right now and I think sometimes being a LIW makes you forget that. I hate the term LIW...waiting for what? You have it all right now...you''ll continue to add to your happiness and love over time...but you''re as great at this exact moment as you could possibly be.

If you''ll feel better...have a serious heart to heart with your man. Tell him about your feelings, hear his prespective. Any relationship leading towards marriage and after you are married is about a union, a meeting of the minds and hearts. If you want to be married, or engaged...make sure he knows that. He loves you, and your feelings are probably the most important thing in the world to him.

Loved everything you had to say!

Thank you, thank you.

 

[Mediterranean]

Date: 8/13/2008 3:11:30 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor

Date: 8/13/2008 3:02:34 PM

Author: vita*dolce

i so have those days!!! actually.. yesterday was one of those days. my best friend (who has been with his girlfriend for a shorter time than i''ve been with my boyfriend) popped the question this weekend and he and his girl are now engaged. as happy as i am for him, i can''t help but wonder what the hold up is with me and my bf. logically, i know it''s money... engagement rings are expensive and so is getting married.. but it feels really personal sometimes, like if he really wanted it money wouldn''t be an issue... does that make sense??


so anyway, i totally understand what you''re going through. sorry, girl!!

Vita*dolce...this is absolutely not snarky, I promise...simply an example...


I hate when people say ''so and so got engaged before me and they haven''t been as long as me and my boyfriend have''


I got engaged 3 months after I met my DH...far, far, far quicker than expected, and obviously a lot faster than most (okay, lets be honest...ALL) my friends. Yet, I have an extremely happy marriage...we''re, by far, best friends. How long we were together had next to nothing to do with why we got engaged...we were madly, head over freakin heels, in love.


Everyone will get engaged when the time comes for them to get engaged...


You cannot messure you''re courtship against or to anyone elses because a relationship is an exclusively private thing...


When you know, you know. When you can, you can.

Italia, I must say...your engagement story is pretty flippen romantic!!!

 

[PrincessDijon]

Date: 8/13/2008 1:42:24 PM
Author:absolut_blonde
Do you ever have days where the whole LIW thing makes you just feel, well, crappy? Sometimes I just have those ''Maybe he doesn''t want to marry me! It must be that he''s just not into me! Otherwise he''d be clamoring to get married ASAP!''

Now, I realize this is a little crazy. I know he cares about me very much because he tells me so and more importantly, his actions make it clear. He wants to talk out our disagreements, he does thoughtful things for me all the time, he basically IS the perfect boyfriend. I could go on, here, but rationally I have zero reason to even question how he feels. The whole thing seems even sillier when you consider that I''m truly not worried about whether he WILL propose. I just want it to happen sooner.

Yet... I can''t help those fleeting thoughts. And they really suck.

Can anyone identify? Does anything help, when these moments hit?

You know, I understand as well, and as many of the ladies on here said it as well....if we all didn''t sympathize or have these issues, we wouldn''t have an LIW board..ect...

Somedays we all have these "days" where we question things and I guess it''s just about human nature....Even if we know something is good for us and that "eventually" and "someday" things will happen, those vague terms put doubts in our heads rather than the excitement of the future engagement, wedding, life event, ect. We (being human) sometimes focus on the deeper meaning of those vague, generic terms that we recieve and wonder why the instant gratification hasn''t come yet. (I am a far from patient person a lot of times when it comes to waiting hence why if I am getting a surprise, I don''t even want to know if it is coming because then I become slightly obsessed about it...Hey, I''m a worrier sometimes....lol).

In any case, don''t feel bad or guilty about these feelings....They happen and yes they put a damper on things with the SO and sometimes it is hard to talk about it...The best thing I do is step away from PS (if I''ve been reading it WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too much...lol), go clean, go run errands, go to work, ect...I just try to do something to "keep busy" and get my mind off of it.

Just my 2 cents....

 

[cbs102]

Date: 8/13/2008 2:54:33 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Okay, a couple of things...

I think everyone, on PS and off, who wants to get engaged has this feeling of longing. So I think that you''re completely rational, esspecially when you spend time on this forum, to feel a little down and out sometimes. And believe me, feeling insecure isn''t just limited to LIW...on SMTR, you''ll start to believe everyone has 5ct diamonds except you...or...BWW, everyone has a designer wedding gown and a fancy destination wedding...this site can warp your reality.

My best, best, best advice is to just enjoy this time you have with your wonderful boyfriend. Because you''ll never get this simplicity back. You''ll get engaged, you''ll plan a wedding, you''ll get married, you''ll honeymoon, you''ll buy a house, you''ll start a family...but with each step forward you''re leaving behind what is soooo good about ''right now''. Right now, you get to anticipate his purposal. You don''t have to stress over seating charts, or fitting into your wedding dress. You can enjoy your date night every night, because he is still wooing you for all its worth. You can buy that designer handbag, or that exceptional pair of shoes without asking his opinion or for his approval, because your money is just your money...no jointness when it comes to the bank account.

There is goodness where you are right now and I think sometimes being a LIW makes you forget that. I hate the term LIW...waiting for what? You have it all right now...you''ll continue to add to your happiness and love over time...but you''re as great at this exact moment as you could possibly be.

If you''ll feel better...have a serious heart to heart with your man. Tell him about your feelings, hear his prespective. Any relationship leading towards marriage and after you are married is about a union, a meeting of the minds and hearts. If you want to be married, or engaged...make sure he knows that. He loves you, and your feelings are probably the most important thing in the world to him.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE this post. it explains it perfectly!!!

i just got engaged a little over a month ago and i kind of miss the whole anticipation issue ect.. it will happen for you. seriously, she is right.. enjoy this time.. your moment will come too!

 

[trillionaire]

I''m just worried that if he makes me wait to long, I am going to go out and buy a damn ring and ask him myself.

The sad thing is, he would probably love it, and I would never hear the end of "how I couldn''t wait to marry him," ... which is not far from the truth! I''m just trying to play it cool...

 

[taovandel]

I''m the same way.

We introduce each other as our fiance(e)''s and everything...but without the ring on my finger for some reason I know I don''t look engaged to anyone else. And I read the lovely posts on here about bf''s not being able to wait to propose as soon as they get the ring...and I just get.......sad. Like he''s in no rush to put the ring on my finger or anything, or maybe he doesn''t want to get married. My mind goes all over the place. But I think the importance of it is different to him. We are engaged in his eyes so there is no rush for the ring. Boys!

 

[radiantquest]

i understand the way you feel i feel the same way. i dont have any advice for you though. sometimes i get a little depressed when the other ladies get engaged. i know that i should be ahppy for them, and iam, it is just that i would be ahppier if it were me. dont worry, you will be on here posting "I''m Engaged!!!" before you know it.

 

[Dreamgirl]

absolute- This happens to me often, you are not alone! Im sort of a drama queen so I guess I over analyze everything all the time. You know?

Italiahaircolor- What you said makes total sense and Im going to take that to heart. Things are great right now with me and my boyfriend, I shouldn''t worry about the future as much as I do but rather live in the "right now" moment. I try to tell myself that often. Thank you!!!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Mediterranean...thank you! We do have a romantic story...and a great love. Thank you for the kind words...I am extremely blessed.

CBS...I hope you''ll continue to enjoy the moment now that you''re engaged! Remember, as fleeting as your courtship was, thats how quickly your engagement will go. Remember to keep an engagement journey journal...make memories that will last a lifetime. Celebrate! Make sure the span of your engagement feels like one big, long, never ending party!

Dream...I am happy my advice resonated with you. I know it is so tempting to want to just "get there"...but enjoy the journey of getting there...because in due time you will!

 

[EmptyLeftHand]

Italiahaircolor; very wise words!
I sometimes get so impatient that I dismiss what we currently have. There is a lot of fun to be had pre-engagement!

 

[cbs102]

Date: 8/14/2008 10:23:10 AM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Mediterranean...thank you! We do have a romantic story...and a great love. Thank you for the kind words...I am extremely blessed.

CBS...I hope you''ll continue to enjoy the moment now that you''re engaged! Remember, as fleeting as your courtship was, thats how quickly your engagement will go. Remember to keep an engagement journey journal...make memories that will last a lifetime. Celebrate! Make sure the span of your engagement feels like one big, long, never ending party!

Dream...I am happy my advice resonated with you. I know it is so tempting to want to just ''get there''...but enjoy the journey of getting there...because in due time you will!

you know, i really need to do that... keep a journal.. that is a great idea. i actually kept one through out our entire "courtship".... we are of course excited about the engagement but there are so many outside stressors in our lives right now.. we have not really taken the time to really celebrate. we are so in love and so happy. i think that we both cannot believe that we found one another... you have inspired me to be more excited! i am off to buy a boatload of wedding ****!!!!!

 

[Dreamgirl]

Date: 8/14/2008 10:23:10 AM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Dream...I am happy my advice resonated with you. I know it is so tempting to want to just ''get there''...but enjoy the journey of getting there...because in due time you will!

So true. It''s kind of bittersweet in a sense. Because everything is so great right now. But there is this longing for it. Then after it happens, there is no more longing for it. It''s sort of almost as fun waiting as to up until the moment really.......

 

[LaraOnline]

I was a LIW for so long (thankfully not with my husband!

he must have sniffed my fear, and proposed within three months!), that I really have not gotten over the experience, and hence here I am, five years married, hanging out in LIW.

So girls, I know your pain and... it kinda makes me angry, and upset, actually! (I get flashbacks)

Of course, I am really a happily married LIWFAU (for an upgrade) but at the moment, I'm totally dreamin', so I dare not venture into Rocky Talky...

aaaah, only a few more years of purgatory savings nightmare - I have to save for it myself, on a paltry wage (doncha love upgrades??!!) - and then my dream upgrade will be miiiiiiinnnnne!!!

So, I survived, and so can you - but make sure you hold out for a great ring first time!!