Suspense re: long lost friend is killing me!

[MichelleCarmen]

Quick story. . . last Feb I had decided to quit talking to my very friend that I''ve had since age 14 (we''re 37 now) because I felt like I had reached a breaking point. Her and her husband had so many problems and the problems were always the same and she''d constantly called me complaining about him, yet never did anything about the terrible situation. For years, I gave her advice and yet she never listened, and I had begun feeling like a broken record. The final straw was when her DH began taking unprescribed RX meds and she would leave me voice mail messages on my phone about her frustration. Really. . . .I''d be in the grocery store picking out food and I''d hear a beep beep beep on my phone and would listen and her all her histeria.

I finally blew a fuse, yelled at her, and told her flat out I couldn''t take it. She left a message appologizing and I decided it would be best off to take a break for a few months break and then call her. We''ll a few months turned into six months, and then into 11. So, last week, I finally took the plunge and called her. Well, her cell phone isn''t going through anymore.

I googled around and found her husband''s myspace page and was shocked to find: she had left him, she had forced him into treatment, and (gasp!) he actually was working again.

Wow, and I thought people never changed! A friend with her new number is calling me me tonight with the info. . .the suspense at hearing all the details over this past year is KILLING me!

Hopefully all the news is good. . .there is always the possiblity it''s not.

Keeping my fingers crossed for the best.

 

[somethingshiny]

Wow, MC. Looks like someone finally put on her big girl panties! I hope she''s really doing well.

I know it''s hard to take a break from a friend, but if she can actually accomplish something good with her life because of it...YAY!!!

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

MC, I'm happy to hear her life turned out differently than you expected. I understand your position and I'm sure your decision to cut ties was a hard one to make and you put a lot of thought into it. That being said, I wish you luck in making contact with her. If my very good, long time friend dumped me when my world was falling apart and I needed her most, and then turned up randomly after I'd busted my butt and gotten my life together; I'd probably tell her to crawl back under the rock from whence she came.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 1/14/2010 3:55:15 PM
Author: somethingshiny
Wow, MC. Looks like someone finally put on her big girl panties! I hope she''s really doing well.

I know it''s hard to take a break from a friend, but if she can actually accomplish something good with her life because of it...YAY!!!

Yeah, you know I think that because she was so depend upon me that it was easiest for her to vent, however once she was on her own, she had to face up to the situation. Basically, her and I were like sisters and I was the only person she could confide in (as she was for me, too) and once that''s gone, suddenly reality sets in.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 1/14/2010 4:00:01 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
MC, I'm happy to hear her life turned out differently than you expected. I understand your position and I'm sure your decision to cut ties was a hard one to make and you put a lot of thought into it. That being said, I wish you luck in making contact with her. If my very good, long time friend dumped me when my world was falling apart and I most and then turned up randomly after I'd busted my butt and gotten my life together, I'd probably tell her to crawl back under the rock from whence she came.

Her world wasn't suddenly "falling apart." The same issues had been going on FOR YEARS. I would never just abandon someone if they had sudden problems popping up. It was always something. It's basically the situation where she endulged in drama.

She called about her problems, I gave her advice, yet she never listened and never attempted to fix the situation. My joy is over the fact that she has.

Maybe she won't want to talk to me. . .at least I hope she's happy.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Date: 1/14/2010 4:00:01 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
MC, I'm happy to hear her life turned out differently than you expected. I understand your position and I'm sure your decision to cut ties was a hard one to make and you put a lot of thought into it. That being said, I wish you luck in making contact with her. If my very good, long time friend dumped me when my world was falling apart and I most and then turned up randomly after I'd busted my butt and gotten my life together, I'd probably tell her to crawl back under the rock from whence she came.

I agree, as someone who is a member of al-anon - It's hard not to feel like everything is your fault and she probably didn't realize she was acting the way she was (with the venting and not taking the advice...sometimes it can be scary to address the situation) until you called her out on it.
That being said, I do hope everything works out well, the important thing is that husband got the help he needed and she did what she needed as well

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

MC I do really hope you''re able to reconnect with her, I was just trying to present the different sides of the situation and point out the possibility that you might have to do some work on your end if you want to repair the friendship.

 

[étoile]

Wow, MC that''s hard for you and her both. I wonder if maybe not having you to vent to left her feeling more of impossibility of the situation finally making her take some action. I understand your positon. Sometimes people we care about become like emotional sponges and unknowingly "suck us dry" because they are so emotionally needy. It doesn''t mean that we care less and I am glad that you created a boundry for yourself after years of trying to be supportive.

Hopefully that call will have a good result and I think it''s good of you to share happy sentiments.

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 1/14/2010 4:15:44 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
MC I do really hope you''re able to reconnect with her, I was just trying to present the different sides of the situation and point out the possibility that you might have to do some work on your end if you want to repair the friendship.

I agree with this. I hope you''re able to patch things up, but I can understand why it might not happen.

 

[radiantquest]

I see that you havent updated. Hopefully that is because you are talking to your friend. I hope she will not be snippy about it. It sounds like she is way better off.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 1/14/2010 6:11:35 PM
Author: radiantquest
I see that you havent updated. Hopefully that is because you are talking to your friend. I hope she will not be snippy about it. It sounds like she is way better off.

I'm on the West Coast of the US and it's only 4 pm and the other friend who is going to call with the friend's number is suppose to get off work at this time and then call tonight. We'll see.

 

[luv2sparkle]

I hope it works out for you MC. I had a friend like that and when her world was falling apart (and she was really acting crazy) she suddenly wouldn''t talk to me. To this
day I don''t really know why. Our daughters were also best friends. We moved and I haven''t really connected with her since. Every now and then we write a
note on facebook, but I have always missed her in my life. I have other deep friendships, but she was a friend from high school and college. A friend lost is always
missed I think, so I am praying you can mend that friendship.

 

[Lilac]

I had a best friend all throughout high school. We were so close we were almost like sisters. We went through *so* much together, some things so personal I wouldn''t want to share on here, and I honestly thought we would be friends for the rest of our lives. One day she was supposed to come meet me before leaving for the year to spend it in school abroad, and she never showed up. We hadn''t fought about anything, we hadn''t been mad at each other for anything, nothing had happened. She just never showed up without any explanation. I called her repeatedly, texted, emailed and she never answered. It was almost like she just dropped off the face of the earth.

That was 3 and a half years ago. I still don''t fully know what happened and I never heard from her again (other than one email about a year ago where she contacted me to tell me she "didn''t really remember what had happened" and if I wanted we could meet up. I said I was very hurt by what happened, but would like to meet her. Once again, she never got back to me about when to meet, and I haven''t heard from her since then).

From time to time I hear news through other people about her - she got engaged... she got married... and now yesterday I found out she''s pregnant. It hurts *so* deeply every time I hear something about her because it reminds me of the lost friendship. There was no closure - nothing to explain why our unbelievably close friendship ended so abruptly and for no apparent reason.

Our stories are not really the same, and I believe we''re on opposite ends of it (and in your case there was a specific reason the friendship ended), but my advice is this: If you DO want the friendship back, show her you care again. Explain what happened and how you felt, and listen to her and accept her feelings too if she felt abandoned or ignored. From my perspective (the friend who was "dropped" for no apparent reason) it hurts so deeply I still cry about it sometimes. I can''t even explain the pain I still feel looking back on how close we were and wondering how it came to this.

I often wish my friend would email me again because I really would love some closure, or even to just be able to have a civil relationship with her again. If your friend is hurt, don''t just hang up the phone and give up (but you do need to accept that this might happen given the hurt she might be feeling). Show her you really do care about your friendship. You probably will both regret it one day if you don''t.

Good luck.

 

[Hera]

Did you tell her beforehand that it was getting to be a bit much when she was complaining to you before you blew the fuse? I ask because it doesn''t really sound fair to do that without letting her know you were having a hard time with the constant negativity/complaining.

 

[megumic]

Wow, MC, I''m sure this is so tough for you. I wish you only the best in reconnecting with your long lost friend and please keep us posted. Although I can understand the other side of the coin, sometimes I think when surprising things happen to us, we get shocked into making a change i.e. when you told your friend you needed a break, maybe she started to realized it was time to start changing her life.

Not to thread-jack, but this post was so relevant to something going on in my life right now, so MC, thanks for getting this thread started, and Lilac thanks for your story. A childhood friend for nearly 20 years recently informed me, and two of our other close friends, that she was "breaking up" with us. It is unclear what her reasoning is, but she said it is personal to her journey with God and that she just needed to continue on her journey and that she couldn''t do it while being friends with us. While I am trying terribly to respect her choice, I truly have a hard time accepting what she has done without any real explanation. I don''t know what I''ll do when I run into her at the grocery, whether to invite her to our wedding in October, and what if I need her??? As Lilac explains so well, it is so painful, hurtful, and all I can think is, were we really that bad of friends? What did we do wrong?!

It''s reassuring to see this thread and learn that others are going through similar situations for a variety of different reasons. I hope more PSers will share...

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Lilac,

I''m sorry you experienced such a loss with your friend. Reading from your perspective makes me very sad. . .

My news. . .the friend of the "lost" friend called about 5 pm and gave me the "lost" friend''s number. She said she hasn''t talked to her in a few months for essentially the same reasons I haven''t. Last she heard the friend did kick her husband out and moved in with a friend. Then she got her own place and her husband moved back in. I guess both her kids dropped out of high school

I had hoped that there would be great positive news, but sounds like she''s still having a lot problems. I''m going to call her, but wait a while until I (as you had said, Lilac) can be prepared to listen to her feelings about what I had done.

This is such a tricky situation. I did feel like she dumped on me often and that was why I broke the friendship off. . .

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 1/14/2010 9:25:48 PM
Author: heraanderson
Did you tell her beforehand that it was getting to be a bit much when she was complaining to you before you blew the fuse? I ask because it doesn''t really sound fair to do that without letting her know you were having a hard time with the constant negativity/complaining.

You know, I''m not even sure. Her and I talked so frequently and I would think my frustration would have come through in my voice in at least a few conversations, but maybe she didn''t pick up on that.

When I talk to her, I guess I''ll find out.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 1/14/2010 9:54:41 PM
Author: megumic
Wow, MC, I''m sure this is so tough for you. I wish you only the best in reconnecting with your long lost friend and please keep us posted. Although I can understand the other side of the coin, sometimes I think when surprising things happen to us, we get shocked into making a change i.e. when you told your friend you needed a break, maybe she started to realized it was time to start changing her life.

Not to thread-jack, but this post was so relevant to something going on in my life right now, so MC, thanks for getting this thread started, and Lilac thanks for your story. A childhood friend for nearly 20 years recently informed me, and two of our other close friends, that she was ''breaking up'' with us. It is unclear what her reasoning is, but she said it is personal to her journey with God and that she just needed to continue on her journey and that she couldn''t do it while being friends with us. While I am trying terribly to respect her choice, I truly have a hard time accepting what she has done without any real explanation. I don''t know what I''ll do when I run into her at the grocery, whether to invite her to our wedding in October, and what if I need her??? As Lilac explains so well, it is so painful, hurtful, and all I can think is, were we really that bad of friends? What did we do wrong?!

It''s reassuring to see this thread and learn that others are going through similar situations for a variety of different reasons. I hope more PSers will share...

Megumic - Sorry about your friend. Sounds like she has a lot going on and needs to explore a bit? I hope all works out for you and your other friends.

I think most of us have been on one end or the other and even others have decided not to be friends with me anymore. I guess that''s how things go.

Right now I''m bummed out pretty badly over hearing my friend isn''t doing better. Even if her and I didn''t talk again, just knowing she is doing better would have meant the world to me. Now, I don''t know if I want to call because I''m worried about hearing how difficult everything still is.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

yay MC, Can''t wait to hear how it turns out.

 

[Lilac]

Date: 1/14/2010 11:22:03 PM
Author: MC
Lilac,

I''m sorry you experienced such a loss with your friend. Reading from your perspective makes me very sad. . .

My news. . .the friend of the ''lost'' friend called about 5 pm and gave me the ''lost'' friend''s number. She said she hasn''t talked to her in a few months for essentially the same reasons I haven''t. Last she heard the friend did kick her husband out and moved in with a friend. Then she got her own place and her husband moved back in. I guess both her kids dropped out of high school

I had hoped that there would be great positive news, but sounds like she''s still having a lot problems. I''m going to call her, but wait a while until I (as you had said, Lilac) can be prepared to listen to her feelings about what I had done.

This is such a tricky situation. I did feel like she dumped on me often and that was why I broke the friendship off. . .

I didn''t mean to make you feel bad about this! I''m so sorry if I did. Our situations seem different, so I don''t want you to think I was trying to make you feel bad about *any* of it!

Based on my experience with my friend, I just wanted to share my perspective to give you an idea of how she might be feeling if you call her out of the blue now after so many months of no contact. I also wanted to share how much I wish things hadn''t turned out this way and how I would love if my old "friend" reached out to me - if only just for the closure of knowing we had a decent relationship (even though I know there''s no chance we ever could be like we once were). I only wanted to share my experience in hopes that you might not make the same mistake my friend did in letting it go so long with no contact, because this has caused me so much regret and sadness over the years. I have no idea how my old "friend" feels - she might wish she had contacted me but now feels it is too late. All I know is I think it''s extremely sad that we will never be friends again, and I wanted to share that with you with the hope that you won''t go through the same thing with your "lost" friend.

If you have the chance to reconnect, I think you owe it to yourself and to your old friendship to do your best to try. At least then you''ll know you did everything you could and you''ll have no regrets about it years from now.

 

[perry]

MC:

I wish you well on your reconnection. Your friend may actually be thankful as your cutting her off may have made her realize that she had to change.

Make the contact - and tell her how proud you are that she did something to resolve the situation.

At least you will get closure.

Perry

 

[dragonfly411]

MC - I hope that you are able to reconnect and at least offer your thoughts to her. It''s hard watching a friend go further and further down hill, and to hope that good will come, only to be disappointed.