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- Jun 3, 2008
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OK, this is going to be a long story I''m afraid. It kinda involves religion, so I''m going to try to be as careful as possible so as not to violate PS policies. Ali, please let me know if I''m out of line here and, if so, I apologize in advance!
So here''s the situation: DH was raised Catholic and I was raised Lutheran. Neither of us have been to church in probably about 10 years. (We''re both 31.) When we got married (over four years ago), we chose to do a non-denominational ceremony in a local B&B, mainly because we didn''t want to "favor" one church or one religion over the other and risk hurting family members'' feelings. Our officiant was a Methodist minister whose wife is a good friend and former co-worker of mine. (Normally, he wouldn''t have done a wedding for people who are not members of his congregation, but he made an exception in our case, due to our special situation and due to the fact that he knows us personally.)
Prior to the wedding, DH told me that his church would not recognize our marriage unless we were married in the Catholic church. (I''m not sure if the Catholic church in general feels this way, or if this is just the opinion of the priest at DH''s particular church.) So in other words, if I ever were to go to church with DH, it would basically be like he was bringing his girlfriend to church as a guest . . . not his wife. Before we got married, I told DH that if it was really important to him to be married in the Catholic church, I would be willing to convert. He said it was not of any importance to him whatsoever, so that''s why we proceeded as we did with the wedding. Another thing to consider here is the fact that DH and I were both married once before. He and his XW did not get married in the Catholic church either, and that was when DH''s priest told him that his marriage was non-existant as far as the Catholic church was concerned. So, when DH and his XW divorced, they did not get an annullment. DH figured this was not necessary since they were not married in the Catholic church, and the Catholic church did not recognize their marriage. Thus, an annullment would be unnecessary, correct? BTW, my first marriage did take place in my church, but the Lutheran church is much more lenient when it comes to issues of marriage/divorce. If DH and I went to my church, our marriage would be recognized just as if it had been done in the Lutheran church. Also, the fact that we were each married once before is not an issue in the Lutheran church (especially since we both had very good reasons for divorcing our former spouses).
Fast-forward to now. DH has been under a lot of stress at work due to a recent promotion, and he had been considering going back to church as a way to cope with this stress. This is something that I encouraged when he brought it up, and I told him that I would be supportive of him if he did decide to do that. He had a doctor''s appointment recently, at which time he explained to the doctor that he has been having these problems handling all this stress, and the doctor also mentioned the possibility that attending church might be helpful. So, DH has decided to try that, which is great.
When he first mentioned returning to church, he was very vague . . . he didn''t know if he wanted to go to his church, or my (Lutheran) church, or to an entirely different church. However, he mentioned to me over the weekend that he would like to go to Mass at his church on Wednesday night, and he''d like for me to come with him.
I feel conflicted about this for a few reasons:
1. As a non-Catholic (in fact, a Protestant), I worry that I might not be very welcome there. Maybe that''s all in my head . . . I really don''t know.
2. I would feel very strange attending a church that does not recognize my marriage. I''m not DH''s girlfriend . . . I''m his wife. I''ve been his wife since July 21, 2005, and I resent being told that my marriage is "invalid" just because it wasn''t performed in the Catholic church. (Again, no offense intended toward anyone who is Catholic. I don''t even know for sure what the Catholic church''s official stance on this is . . . I''m just going by what DH has told me.)
3. A former co-worker of mine, who was let go back in February under not-so-great circumstances, is a very active member of DH''s church. I know she is upset that she was let go, and has a lot of animosity toward our firm (although I agree 100% with their decision to fire her). I have heard that she is upset with me because I didn''t call her or stop by to see her when I found out that she had been let go. However, I didn''t feel that it would be appropriate to do that, since she and I weren''t exactly buddy-buddy outside of work while she WAS employed with our firm, so I''m not sure why she would have expected me to reach out to her. Of course, if I had called and/or stopped by, I would have been in a very awkward position, since I am still employed with this firm and my loyalties need to remain with the firm. I really have NO desire to run into this person, and I''m afraid she might be there.
So, the bottom line is, DH has decided to go to Mass on Wednesday night, and I want to be supportive of his decision to go back to church. But, I don''t know if I should go with him or not for the above reasons. Any suggestions?

So here''s the situation: DH was raised Catholic and I was raised Lutheran. Neither of us have been to church in probably about 10 years. (We''re both 31.) When we got married (over four years ago), we chose to do a non-denominational ceremony in a local B&B, mainly because we didn''t want to "favor" one church or one religion over the other and risk hurting family members'' feelings. Our officiant was a Methodist minister whose wife is a good friend and former co-worker of mine. (Normally, he wouldn''t have done a wedding for people who are not members of his congregation, but he made an exception in our case, due to our special situation and due to the fact that he knows us personally.)
Prior to the wedding, DH told me that his church would not recognize our marriage unless we were married in the Catholic church. (I''m not sure if the Catholic church in general feels this way, or if this is just the opinion of the priest at DH''s particular church.) So in other words, if I ever were to go to church with DH, it would basically be like he was bringing his girlfriend to church as a guest . . . not his wife. Before we got married, I told DH that if it was really important to him to be married in the Catholic church, I would be willing to convert. He said it was not of any importance to him whatsoever, so that''s why we proceeded as we did with the wedding. Another thing to consider here is the fact that DH and I were both married once before. He and his XW did not get married in the Catholic church either, and that was when DH''s priest told him that his marriage was non-existant as far as the Catholic church was concerned. So, when DH and his XW divorced, they did not get an annullment. DH figured this was not necessary since they were not married in the Catholic church, and the Catholic church did not recognize their marriage. Thus, an annullment would be unnecessary, correct? BTW, my first marriage did take place in my church, but the Lutheran church is much more lenient when it comes to issues of marriage/divorce. If DH and I went to my church, our marriage would be recognized just as if it had been done in the Lutheran church. Also, the fact that we were each married once before is not an issue in the Lutheran church (especially since we both had very good reasons for divorcing our former spouses).
Fast-forward to now. DH has been under a lot of stress at work due to a recent promotion, and he had been considering going back to church as a way to cope with this stress. This is something that I encouraged when he brought it up, and I told him that I would be supportive of him if he did decide to do that. He had a doctor''s appointment recently, at which time he explained to the doctor that he has been having these problems handling all this stress, and the doctor also mentioned the possibility that attending church might be helpful. So, DH has decided to try that, which is great.
When he first mentioned returning to church, he was very vague . . . he didn''t know if he wanted to go to his church, or my (Lutheran) church, or to an entirely different church. However, he mentioned to me over the weekend that he would like to go to Mass at his church on Wednesday night, and he''d like for me to come with him.
I feel conflicted about this for a few reasons:
1. As a non-Catholic (in fact, a Protestant), I worry that I might not be very welcome there. Maybe that''s all in my head . . . I really don''t know.
2. I would feel very strange attending a church that does not recognize my marriage. I''m not DH''s girlfriend . . . I''m his wife. I''ve been his wife since July 21, 2005, and I resent being told that my marriage is "invalid" just because it wasn''t performed in the Catholic church. (Again, no offense intended toward anyone who is Catholic. I don''t even know for sure what the Catholic church''s official stance on this is . . . I''m just going by what DH has told me.)
3. A former co-worker of mine, who was let go back in February under not-so-great circumstances, is a very active member of DH''s church. I know she is upset that she was let go, and has a lot of animosity toward our firm (although I agree 100% with their decision to fire her). I have heard that she is upset with me because I didn''t call her or stop by to see her when I found out that she had been let go. However, I didn''t feel that it would be appropriate to do that, since she and I weren''t exactly buddy-buddy outside of work while she WAS employed with our firm, so I''m not sure why she would have expected me to reach out to her. Of course, if I had called and/or stopped by, I would have been in a very awkward position, since I am still employed with this firm and my loyalties need to remain with the firm. I really have NO desire to run into this person, and I''m afraid she might be there.
So, the bottom line is, DH has decided to go to Mass on Wednesday night, and I want to be supportive of his decision to go back to church. But, I don''t know if I should go with him or not for the above reasons. Any suggestions?