Social ettiquette dilemma...

[Aloros]

I''m having a difficult time figuring out how to handle this situation.

My best friend is coming to visit for several days. He just had a break-up and he''s kind of down. DH and I play poker at a friend''s house on Thursday nights, and we were planning on having our friend tag along tonight. My best friend is gay. The people at poker can get a little rowdy sometimes, and the hostess can get a little loud. She''s made some offensive comments in the past, in regards to gay people. I''m 90% sure she''s not actually bigoted, but she definitely can get a bit out of hand.

DH already RSVP''d us before thinking this through, and we talked a little bit about it last night.

Should we say anything to her? Should we tell her to tone it down? My friend isn''t closeted, but I don''t really feel it''s my place to ''out'' him as it were. Should we try to back out?

It''s happened in the past where we''ve hung out with someone who''s made offensive comments, and he generally made an ass of himself. So...should we just let her make an ass of herself if she so feels like it? The other friends who come to poker all already know my friend is gay.

Gah! I just hate that this is even an issue.

 

[JulieN]

I would find something else to do Thursday night.

 

[cellososweet]

Well, first off all if he''s just had a break-up, is feeling down, and is coming to visit you (his best friend), perhaps he''s not really in the mood for socializing with people. Make sure he wants to go in the first place. If he does. . .

Let her make an ass of herself.

Social ettiquette would dictate that she should watch her mouth around people that are unfamiliar to her and not make any comments in poor taste in the first place. It''s not your job to make sure that she has manners. She should have them in the first place. You''d be amazed at how many improper comment people make when they don''t realize who''s who in mixed company. It''s appalling, but if they don''t have the opportunity to make such remarks and get called-out, they''ll never learn. So let her learn.

On the other hand, if you have a best friend who is gay, I don''t see why you tolerate those types of comments in the first place whether your friend is in attendance or not. It would bother me entirely if my best friend was gay and I hung around someone who made derogatory comments about gay people. Perhaps you should say something the next time she makes a comment, whether your friend is in attendance or not.

 

[Aloros]

Yeah, maybe I''ll send DH off and just hang out with my friend at home. We''ll see whether or not he feels like going.

I generally do comment when others make those remarks around me...but I honestly don''t remember her saying these things. I didn''t think it was a problem until DH brought it up last night (I guess he heard her). I think I must have been in the bathroom or out of the game at that point. He made it sound pretty bad too.

 

[radiantquest]

I agree that you should make sure that this is somethig that he wants to do. If he is ok with going there I think that you should say something to her.

I don''t know the exact kinds of comments she makes or how sensitive your friend is. I have a gay friend and if someone were to say that something was "gay" he would not be offended. But that was him. Using the words gay and queer to express that something was lame as they commonly are used in slang language which is what I am guessing is going on with your friend did not offend my friend. He knew that these were not really references to his sexuality.

Like I said we don''t know your friends. I don''t think it is a good idea to let the person hosting make a comment and then suffer through. To me that is insensitive. That will make everyone uncomfortable. Your friend is coming to visit. If your friend that is hosting makes a comment that is off color and offends the friend that you brought, not only is the host suffering the embarassment, but so is the friend that you brought.

 

[Kaleigh]

Send your DH to Poker. Then you and your best friend can have time alone, to talk, go to dinner, whatever he wants to do... No pressure... I think the last thing he'd want to do is go to your friends house to play poker. Meaning he's down, and just needs his best friend to have one on one time with...

I had a best friend who was gay, lost him to Cancer. But when he needed me, he needed me..... Didn't want to be around all my friends or my hubby. He adored my hubby, but well he isn't me... If ya know what I mean..

I think your friend just needs YOU right now and only you. I think it's important you have this one on one time, where he can vent, and have a safe place to do so, in your company and your company only...

I have been there, so I totally get it.

 

[asscherisme]

Date: 9/24/2009 3:50:30 PM
Author: JulieN
I would find something else to do Thursday night.

I agree. If your husband really wants to go, send him. but I would not subject my friend to that. You said your friend was feeling down. Take him out to a nice dinner or a fun movie. Or cook something fun at home. Cook something new, rent a movie. Whatever but I would not take him to where he might hear something that makes him feel bad. Do something fun without subjecting him to possible drama.

 

[Cehrabehra]

I wouldn''t say anything to her - but I''d say something to him so he can be sure to don his thick skin. If she says anything she may make a fool of herself but she''ll learn that way where as if you try to take her aside she may be offended and scoff at the thought!

 

[perry]

I Nth the concept of finding something else to do.

In addition, I highly suggest that you buy a copy of the book: How To Detect Crooked Gamgling by Frank Garcia (availble used) circa 1977. It may be falling apart - but the information is dynamite...

After reading that you and your husband can decide if they really want to continue playing cards.


I will only say that when I purchased the book - and read it - and then walked in and looked at the card games (many of which I had been participating in) going on in the break room (Navy) - that I immediately spotted cheating in every game. I haven''t played serious cards since (perhaps a few hands in a kids game or something like that).

Frank Garcia has left us - he was one of the great "magicians;" who then went into gambline expose'' Here is one of his best (can you figure it out how he does it). Frank, as a magician, was known as the man with the Million Dollar Hands.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x6gpsh_frank-garcia-three-shell-game_fun

If you are interested in the study of magic tricks. His training videos are still available - because so many people still look to him as one of the best there ever was.


Perry

 

[swingirl]

Date: 9/24/2009 3:50:30 PM
Author: JulieN
I would find something else to do Thursday night.

Ditto.

You should do your best to keep your guest out of situations where you know he will be uncomfortable. Taking him to a rowdy poker party where known gay bashing has taken place would not be the best choice.

 

[pennquaker09]

Etiquette wise, I don't think it would be appropriate to bring a plus one without prior notification.

Now, if your friend is the accommodating type and wouldn't mind if you and your hubby brought someone else along, I don't see the harm in going.

As a gay person, I've been to social functions where I'm either the only gay in the room, or there are 3 of us and I've never had an issue. I think it all depends on your company - how much social grace do they have. I realize that people say things of the cuff sometimes, but I always give second chances. People can surprise you!

Disclaimer: I tend to think the best of people . . .