SO vent. Anyone else?

[TooPatient]

Just got an e-mail from SO. He is going to meet an author in a couple of weeks. And I probably won''t be allowed to go. (because it is being hosted by a company)

It isn''t just this. They go to the openings of many of the big movies that come out, lunch/dinner at really nice places in the area, other authors, special veteran events, etc.
SO goes to most of the interesting ones but I can''t go because it is "for work".

I don''t mind that. I can understand that. It is just so frustrating because WE never do any of this stuff. When I find an author in town or a big movie opening or a place I''d like to eat he is too busy or too tired or not sure he''ll be feeling well that day (he''s got a chronic illness).
We eat at home (I cook) and wait for the Blu-Ray to come out.

I want to be happy for him to get to meet this person but it is hard. He seems to have plenty of time and energy for everyone but me.


Does anyone else get this feeling?

 

[Lauren8211]

Are you always available and ready to go when he wants to do something fun/different like that?

My ex-boyfriend was that same way, but I was ALWAYS available when he wanted me. Make yourself busy, and you''d be surprised how much he''d like to do stuff with you when you aren''t at his beck and call.

 

[kama_s]

Can you go to these events on your own? I would probably go on my own and enjoy myself. Slowly, he''ll realize that he''s at home by himself while you''re out having fun and he''s going to want to join you. Because you don''t hesitate to cancel all your plans and stay home with him, he keeps abusing it. He seems to get his way all the time.

 

[sunnyd]

Call up a friend and go with them! Just because he doesn''t want to go doesn''t mean you shouldn''t.

 

[TooPatient]

I go to some on my own or with a friend. Not the same though

There was one event he had said he''d go to with me. He went the day before with friends (after we had planned to go together the next day) and said he didn''t see anything interesting and wasn''t up for going two days in a row.
I got my stuff together and told him I was still going. I hadn''t been yet so I wanted to see if there was anything I was interested in. If he wasn''t going to come with me then I would just take a bus there (about 3 hour ride) and see him later. He got his shoes on and came with and he had to admit he had a great time.


I hate feeling like he doesn''t actually want to be there. I''d rather we did stuff together because we both wanted to.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

Is it really a restriction or is it because he wants the time with his work friends? Do other employees bring their spouses/SO?

A few years ago, the pharm reps stopped allowing spouses to come to the dinners they hosted as part of the new regulations to marketing for doctors. A lot of physicians have stopped going to those events (probably a good thing) because they state they don''t want to take any more time away from their family.

Could you make plans that are not too expensive so that if he is having a bad day in terms of his illness, it is easy to back out?

 

[Bliss]

Awww, I''m sorry. Do you think it''s because he has a work persona? Sometimes people are "on" at work and it''s hard to be focused and make the deal/forge professional relationships when your loved one is there. Those are the "in the zone" jobs where you''re essentially a performer, actor or public figure.

I know DH is really tough at work but he''s a softie around me. When he was new at his current company, he was initially reluctant to bring me to work events because he''s such mush around me and wanted to keep that tough professional boundary at his place of business. Now that he''s way more comfortable there, I''m turning down invites. Do you think that''s partly why your SO is reluctant to bring you to events?

I remember early on in my career I was careful to keep my personal life very separate from work. I had "work mode" and "personal life mode." Now that I''m older and more established where I am, I feel comfortable enough to mix the two. I understand your frustration, too. I''m sure it was very hard for my SO when I''d go alone to events and etc. To me, though, they weren''t fun - they were work. Maybe it''s the same way for him? HUGS!

 

[TooPatient]

Date: 10/2/2009 4:04:50 PM
Author: Bliss
Awww, I''m sorry. Do you think it''s because he has a work persona? Sometimes people are ''on'' at work and it''s hard to be focused and make the deal/forge professional relationships when your loved one is there. Those are the ''in the zone'' jobs where you''re essentially a performer, actor or public figure.

I know DH is really tough at work but he''s a softie around me. When he was new at his current company, he was initially reluctant to bring me to work events because he''s such mush around me and wanted to keep that tough professional boundary at his place of business. Now that he''s way more comfortable there, I''m turning down invites. Do you think that''s partly why your SO is reluctant to bring you to events?

I remember early on in my career I was careful to keep my personal life very separate from work. I had ''work mode'' and ''personal life mode.'' Now that I''m older and more established where I am, I feel comfortable enough to mix the two. I understand your frustration, too. I''m sure it was very hard for my SO when I''d go alone to events and etc. To me, though, they weren''t fun - they were work. Maybe it''s the same way for him? HUGS!

He''s been with this company for nearly 5 years now. I''ve met a few of the people he works with. He is a computer guy and is just as rational/focused/computer-geeky at home as he is in the office.
Other offices around him have pictures of families and drawings from the kids. His is cluttered and the only "picture" in his office is an old movie poster. (which reminds me, I''ve got to get that picture mug done so I can give it to him)

Some of the things he doesn''t really enjoy (like a lunch they had recently) but he picks and chooses what he goes to so most of it is pretty interesting. (Star Wars movie, IMAX, wine & bowling, book signings)


LtlFirecracker --
I know some of the events are for employees only. Can''t be showing new products to the public before they are released. I also know some of them are for families too. Many are kind of unclear.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Does he enjoy going to these work-related functions? He may feel like he HAS to go, though he doesn't necessarily want to. With you he'd rather do something he really enjoys (staying home)

ETA: Oops, nevermind! I just saw that he does enjoy some of the events. I don't know--when I was dating my husband and he was in consulting I could only attend the holiday events (everything else was spouse only). Now that we are married, we both have to go and neither of us are big on work-related events, so it just feels like a drag. Still, that obligation to go is there--even though your SO is picking and choosing events, he still might be going to THOSE events out of obligation.

 

[princesss]

Date: 10/2/2009 4:21:22 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
Does he enjoy going to these work-related functions? He may feel like he HAS to go, though he doesn''t necessarily want to. With you he''d rather do something he really enjoys (staying home)

ETA: Oops, nevermind! I just saw that he does enjoy some of the events. I don''t know--when I was dating my husband and he was in consulting I could only attend the holiday events (everything else was spouse only). Now that we are married, we both have to go and neither of us are big on work-related events, so it just feels like a drag. Still, that obligation to go is there--even though your SO is picking and choosing events, he still might be going to THOSE events out of obligation.

True. Even if he gets to pick what he goes to, it''s still a work obligation.

I am a little concerned that you''ve expressed to him that you want to go out and do things with him and he seems to be refusing. Something about that just rubs me the wrong way. I definitely agree with elle that you should go on your own, but I guess it''s the lack of compromise or a willingness to make sure your needs are being met that''s actually making me really sad. There''s nothing wrong with wanting to stay home or wanting to go out with your partner, but *both* sides should make an effort to step out of their comfort zone/preferred activities for their partner.

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 10/2/2009 4:27:47 PM
Author: princesss

Date: 10/2/2009 4:21:22 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
Does he enjoy going to these work-related functions? He may feel like he HAS to go, though he doesn''t necessarily want to. With you he''d rather do something he really enjoys (staying home)

ETA: Oops, nevermind! I just saw that he does enjoy some of the events. I don''t know--when I was dating my husband and he was in consulting I could only attend the holiday events (everything else was spouse only). Now that we are married, we both have to go and neither of us are big on work-related events, so it just feels like a drag. Still, that obligation to go is there--even though your SO is picking and choosing events, he still might be going to THOSE events out of obligation.

True. Even if he gets to pick what he goes to, it''s still a work obligation.

I am a little concerned that you''ve expressed to him that you want to go out and do things with him and he seems to be refusing. Something about that just rubs me the wrong way. I definitely agree with elle that you should go on your own, but I guess it''s the lack of compromise or a willingness to make sure your needs are being met that''s actually making me really sad. There''s nothing wrong with wanting to stay home or wanting to go out with your partner, but *both* sides should make an effort to step out of their comfort zone/preferred activities for their partner.

Also a good point, princesss. He SHOULD be meeting you half way, absolutely. However, it''s still good to not always be available. Even when youre dating/engaged/married -- people still enjoy a chase, ya know? It''s not a game, it''s foreplay.

 

[Bliss]

Hmmmm... I agree. Maybe he just likes the free time? And when he goes out with you, it should be JUST the two of you? I wouldn''t sweat the photos at work thing. It may not be his style or he''s not comfortable with all the attention that comes with photos... people asking tons of questions and prying into his life. (Stretching here!)

Lots of guys who have tons of pics of their wives or SOs can be cheaters or not so great as SOs, so it''s not a measure of anything. How does he treat you when he''s home? Like gold? Maybe you could work something out together where you''re both having fun and spending time togther.

When guys don''t bring their SOs to work there are so many possible reasons... Is it one particular reason that you suspect and it''s bothering you? Or is it just the fact that you miss him and want to have fun at these darned events? I don''t blame you! They sound fun!

 

[Upgradable]

Does anyone else see red flags with this situation? I''ve read several other threads you''ve started about your relationship and your frustration with his reluctance to move forward.

 

[TooPatient]

Date: 10/2/2009 4:21:22 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
Does he enjoy going to these work-related functions? He may feel like he HAS to go, though he doesn''t necessarily want to. With you he''d rather do something he really enjoys (staying home)

ETA: Oops, nevermind! I just saw that he does enjoy some of the events. I don''t know--when I was dating my husband and he was in consulting I could only attend the holiday events (everything else was spouse only). Now that we are married, we both have to go and neither of us are big on work-related events, so it just feels like a drag. Still, that obligation to go is there--even though your SO is picking and choosing events, he still might be going to THOSE events out of obligation.

Most of what he goes to are not obligations. A few of the movies & a couple of bowling events were his smaller group and while it was an "optional" event, they were things he had to go to. The interesting ones are usually things that 100 or so out of a company of thousands choose to go to. Definitely optional.

He has a chronic illness so some days just getting out of bed is too much. A lot of the time he is able to make it to work during the week and not much else. I do understand that. I''m used to it.
This is part of why I don''t do more on my own. I know he enjoys just relaxing and watching a movie at home together. (which is why I pushed for the 110" screen and high quality equipment -- and spent so much money building up a great DVD collection + Netflix + DishNetwork)


I think part of the problem is that he is afraid to commit to something and then wind up sick and have us miss it.

 

[princesss]

Date: 10/2/2009 4:39:16 PM
Author: Bliss
Hmmmm... I agree. Maybe he just likes the free time? And when he goes out with you, it should be JUST the two of you? I wouldn''t sweat the photos at work thing. It may not be his style or he''s not comfortable with all the attention that comes with photos... people asking tons of questions and prying into his life. (Stretching here!)

Lots of guys who have tons of pics of their wives or SOs can be cheaters or not so great as SOs, so it''s not a measure of anything. How does he treat you when he''s home? Like gold? Maybe you could work something out together where you''re both having fun and spending time togther.

When guys don''t bring their SOs to work there are so many possible reasons... Is it one particular reason that you suspect and it''s bothering you? Or is it just the fact that you miss him and want to have fun at these darned events? I don''t blame you! They sound fun!

Haha, Bliss, this just made me realize I have a picture of my parents, a picture of my best friend, and pictures of my cats - but no picture of my BF! Hahaha. So definitely don''t take that too hard, TP. It could just be an honest mistake, or he could not be the kind of person that really personalizes his desk.

 

[Bliss]

Date: 10/2/2009 4:47:51 PM
Author: princesss

Date: 10/2/2009 4:39:16 PM

Author: Bliss

Hmmmm... I agree. Maybe he just likes the free time? And when he goes out with you, it should be JUST the two of you? I wouldn't sweat the photos at work thing. It may not be his style or he's not comfortable with all the attention that comes with photos... people asking tons of questions and prying into his life. (Stretching here!)

Lots of guys who have tons of pics of their wives or SOs can be cheaters or not so great as SOs, so it's not a measure of anything. How does he treat you when he's home? Like gold? Maybe you could work something out together where you're both having fun and spending time togther.


When guys don't bring their SOs to work there are so many possible reasons... Is it one particular reason that you suspect and it's bothering you? Or is it just the fact that you miss him and want to have fun at these darned events? I don't blame you! They sound fun!

Haha, Bliss, this just made me realize I have a picture of my parents, a picture of my best friend, and pictures of my cats - but no picture of my BF! Hahaha. So definitely don't take that too hard, TP. It could just be an honest mistake, or he could not be the kind of person that really personalizes his desk.

Ha! Yeah, I have a huge photo of my immediate family and my dogs and not one of my DH yet. He once said, "Where am I in all these photos?" This also reminds me of this AWFUL t-shirt my Dad got for free once. He LOVED wearing it (it was a horribly tacky tuxedo printed on the t-shirt)... We refused to go anywhere with him on weekends when he dug it out. Eventually, it just magically ended up in the "dust rag" bucket. Sorry for the threadjack! I don't think DH has a photo of me on his desk because he says he doesn't want his colleagues ogling me. (Yeah right, nice excuse!) But I'm all over his phone and computers.

 

[TooPatient]

I can''t complain about the lack of pictures in his office. I don''t have any in my office either. Of course the only pictures of him around here are totally nude. (minds out of the gutters -- they are for the doctor and don''t show anything interesting)

Got to fix that. We really need pictures of us together. Or even of us separate.

We have thousands (literally) of our 3 cats & the dog. (and we show them to EVERYONE)

 

[swingirl]

I would be a bit annoyed. If the events aren''t mandatory I see no reason why he couldn''t take you to the public events if he really wanted to. He is making the priority to use his energy on work activities and not leaving much time, energy and enthusiasm for you. You need to talk about this as it won''t get better on its own.

 

[iheartscience]

What are you getting out of this relationship? From your posts here, it sounds like not much. He''s a lot older than you, won''t commit to you after what is it, 5 years, puts airplanes before you, and would rather use what little energy he has to go to work events that exclude you.

Based on your posts, it seems well past the time to take a hard look at why you''re in this relationship. Don''t waste time hoping he will change-it seems clear he won''t.

 

[jjc]

Date: 10/2/2009 9:59:09 PM
Author: thing2of2
What are you getting out of this relationship? From your posts here, it sounds like not much. He''s a lot older than you, won''t commit to you after what is it, 5 years, puts airplanes before you, and would rather use what little energy he has to go to work events that exclude you.


Based on your posts, it seems well past the time to take a hard look at why you''re in this relationship. Don''t waste time hoping he will change-it seems clear he won''t.

Agreed. All of your posts about your relationship have an indifferent/resigned/unhappy tone to them. Do you find this to be an accurate reading? Or maybe you''re just very stoic by nature? If it''s the former, maybe it''s time to really examine why you''re in the relationship. You deserve to be in a relationship that makes you ridiculously happy, at least some of the time. (((((hugs)))))

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 10/2/2009 4:45:44 PM
Author: Upgradable
Does anyone else see red flags with this situation? I''ve read several other threads you''ve started about your relationship and your frustration with his reluctance to move forward.

Yep, major red flags!

Sorry to be so blunt, but I wouldn''t want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn''t, at least, some of the time do what I want to do!

 

[TooPatient]

I like that everyone here is so honest & blunt. Don''t have to read between the lines or guess what is being said.


Didn''t mean to run off. Been taking care of a sick cat.


I suppose I am rather stoic by nature. It is a difficult situation. Especially now with B so sick.

Every so often I reflect and consider why it is I''m still around. And then we talk and he says or does something to remind me.

Like the time I had a fever and was miserable. It was hard to breathe and I couldn''t get to sleep. So he held me and sang to me until I went to sleep.

We talked yesterday about how hard it is to see him doing interesting stuff with other people and not having the energy to do anything with me. This came up after we had dinner with a couple and they kept talking about how great this author was and the interesting talk he gave that they (the couple, her mother, & B) went to. (talk was about 2 years ago). I didn''t get to go. I said that I''d really like to see him speak. B told me it really wasn''t anything that wasn''t in the book I just read. (I''d still like to hear him. It can''t have been too boring if they are still this excited 2 years later). B offered to e-mail the guy (he has his personal e-mail address) to see when he is around the area next. And then suggested that we can check and see what his schedule is and maybe even just go to Berkley to see him there. (we live in WA so this would be a weekend or more in CA)


He also invited me to see the author in a couple of weeks with him.


It is a start.

 

[Haven]

I see some major red flags here, as well.

It sounds like your SO places many other things in his life at a higher priority than you, and you need to figure out if you are willing to remain in his life despite knowing this.

It''s one thing to want some time apart, I totally understand that. It''s an entirely different thing to spend *most* of your time doing interesting things with people other than your SO.