Wedding So...now what?

[zoebartlett]

As many of you know, my husband and I just got married 2 weeks ago. We got back from our honeymoon a week ago, and last week was spent doing laundry, unpacking, putting away wedding gifts, writing thank you cards, and doing other random somewhat wedding-related stuff. My husband and I don''t feel any different now that we''re married. He''s gone back to work (well, he''s still working from home a few days per week), and I''m doing errands, going to the new gym we''ve joined, and finding other ways to pass the days until I have to start thinking about school again (I''m a teacher).

I guess I expected to feel different, look at things differently, or have SOMETHING change once we returned from our honeymoon. Nope. It''s still the same as it was before we left for our wedding. The only difference is that we both have wedding bands on and a marriage license to file away. I know some people feel differently after their wedding, while others don''t. Why is this? I wish I felt different but I don''t. To be honest, it''s kind of a let-down. I mean, of course we''re happy, but nothing''s really changed.

Did you feel this way after your wedding?

 

[Haven]

I feel the same way! We were just married on the 4th, got back from our honeymoon on the 17th, and have been getting the house in order and I''ve been getting ready for school.

We didn''t move in together until right before the wedding, so I thought things would feel really different too, but they don''t. It''s a very odd feeling, I agree.

I''m not feeling let down or anything, just oddly "normal", if that makes sense. Yes, we''ve been together for over 4 years so it''s not like we aren''t totally comfortable with each other already, but I still thought living together would feel like more of a transition. Instead it just feels right.

The only real differences now are that I''m cooking (because now we have a gorgeous kitchen stocked with gorgeous things!) and we''re making a home together, which is really fun.

 

[DMBFiredancer]

i anticipate feeling the same way (i am getting married next july)
we have been living together for 5 years now and i seriously feel that the wedding is more of just an excuse to throw a big party for our family and friends. sure, i'm excited to GET married, but i dont think i will feel any differently than i do now. (maybe just a little weird that i suddenly have a different name...but that's all.)

 

[violet02]

I'm not married yet or living together with my FI yet... he lives a block away though. I think I may feel this way too but then we'll have living together to tackle and we're planning on re-decorating my entire apartment before he moves in. That will be our project to do after doing all this wedding stuff. I just hope the next part goes okay. I'm worried about how I'll feel after ALLLL this planning and wedding stuff is done. I know my FI will be relieved but I may be sad. That's part of why I set up this 'decorating' plan after the wedding before the move in. He wanted to re-decorate anyways but it will be something fun we can both do together.

 

[luckystar112]

Nope....don''t feel different at ALL!
I agree Zoe, it''s disappointing!
Worst of all, people keep on ASKING me if I feel different, like something is wrong with me if I don''t.
It''s hard to feel different when you''ve lived with someone for four years prior to getting married.
Things are back to normal around these parts...which isn''t necessarily a bad thing.
Perhaps it will feel more official once I change my name (still waiting on my marriage certificate).

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I think you''re having a case of the wedding bell blues. It''s like post-patrum depression from wedding planing.

You spent all year (maybe longer) eatting, sleeping and breathing your wedding. It was this wonderful and exciting constant in your life always something new to figure out, talk about, plan and replan...but even more than that, something really positive and beautiful to look forward too.

Now, you''ve had your wedding cake and ate it too! And you''ve honeymooned, and you''ve settled back into life and you''re feeling somewhat off klitter.

This is common for brides...I, for sure felt it after my wedding

Bck in the day when grooms and brides lived seperately up until they were married, after the wedding was just as busy as before with trying to merge two lives into one. But now that most couples do live together before the nuptuals, I think the dramatic "blahness" after the wedding is more or less expected. I mean seriously, once those thank you notes are done...you''re done!

My hubs and I planned a 2nd honeymoon as a way to fill the void no longer planning our wedding left. We took a short great honeymoon right after the wedding...but stretched out our budget to included one more, glamtastic event a handful of months later. That way I was able to adjusted back into a "wedding free" life but still had something luxurious to look forward too!

Another one of my friends adopted a puppy. She felt if she dedicated as much time to the dog as she did the wedding she''d have the best pup in world!

Another friend redid her kitchen.

I think the way to fight the WBB is to find something to spend your time doing that excites you! It may be going to the gym, or reading books, or journaling about your wedding (which is a great thing to do, BTW, so that generations from now your grandchildren will have a document of your big day...)...But whatever it is, try to find something that makes you feel really good!

 

[zoebartlett]

Wow, quick replies! I keep looking around me and think the same thing as what I titled this thread "So...now what?" We''ve been together for almost 5 years, and we bought our first condo together 2.5 years ago. Before that, although we were living separately, I was at his apt. just about half of each week. We know each other really well by this point.

Maybe I''ll begin to feel differently when I get to school and the kids call me Mrs. ___. I ran into a few kids at this new gym we just joined (which is fabulous, by the way -- it has everything), and one of them asked if I had gotten married yet. She had greeted me with by saying Ms. ___ and then left by saying "Bye Mrs. ___." It was cute.

 

[blondie23]

NOPE. I feel EXACTLY the same. The only thing that feels weird to me is when I look at my new last name and then I remember, "oh yeah, I actually DID get married."

Like you mentioned, we were also living together, etc so that also didn''t help with things either.

 

[littlelysser]

Hi Zoe - Congrats on your marriage! Yay!

I don't think it is uncommon at all! And really, isn't that a good thing? DH and I bought a house and lived together for 3 years before we got married. We got back from the honeymoon, and life went back to the way it was before we got married.

Except now we have a certificate and a bit more jewelry - just like you said.

Don't get me wrong, I am really glad we are married and I like that we are more a family than a couple now that we are married, but still, life is pretty much the same.

How did you expect it to be different? And I don't mean that in a snarky way at all, just wondering what your expectations were. If I recall, you guys already lived together, right? Most couples that I know that lived together before they married didn't find it to be much different at all. You get home, you go back to your routines - only difference really is that you are married. And you got some cool new gifts to play with!

I hope you aren't too disappointed and congrats again!!!

 

[Daydreamer7130]

Date: 7/28/2008 3:51:50 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
I think you''re having a case of the wedding bell blues. It''s like post-patrum depression from wedding planing.

You spent all year (maybe longer) eatting, sleeping and breathing your wedding. It was this wonderful and exciting constant in your life always something new to figure out, talk about, plan and replan...but even more than that, something really positive and beautiful to look forward too.

Now, you''ve had your wedding cake and ate it too! And you''ve honeymooned, and you''ve settled back into life and you''re feeling somewhat off klitter.

This is common for brides...I, for sure felt it after my wedding

Bck in the day when grooms and brides lived seperately up until they were married, after the wedding was just as busy as before with trying to merge two lives into one. But now that most couples do live together before the nuptuals, I think the dramatic ''blahness'' after the wedding is more or less expected. I mean seriously, once those thank you notes are done...you''re done!

My hubs and I planned a 2nd honeymoon as a way to fill the void no longer planning our wedding left. We took a short great honeymoon right after the wedding...but stretched out our budget to included one more, glamtastic event a handful of months later. That way I was able to adjusted back into a ''wedding free'' life but still had something luxurious to look forward too!

Another one of my friends adopted a puppy. She felt if she dedicated as much time to the dog as she did the wedding she''d have the best pup in world!

Another friend redid her kitchen.

I think the way to fight the WBB is to find something to spend your time doing that excites you! It may be going to the gym, or reading books, or journaling about your wedding (which is a great thing to do, BTW, so that generations from now your grandchildren will have a document of your big day...)...But whatever it is, try to find something that makes you feel really good!

I agree 100% about the post-blues.

Do you feel the same way after Christmas? After all the planning, wrapping and cooking and putting things in order... then the excitement peaks at Christmas Eve then you wake up and it''s Christmas morning then the hoopla of opening and exchanging gifts then off to visit family. Then before you know it ... it''s over, everyone is exhausted except with Christmas you have to have enough energy to clean up!

 

[zoebartlett]

Making a home your own is fun, and I can''t wait to do that when we eventually buy a house (replying to Haven). We did it when we bought our condo but it''s not quite the same -- this place has no real character on the inside.

SDL -- what you said makes sense. I have to admit, I don''t feel any more complete now, but I get what you''re saying. I think I''ll have that "complete" feeling when we have kids. Right now, we''re a family of four -- us and our two cats. We''d love another person among the mix. Someday.

Italia -- I think that''s it. I''ve said here before that I never really dreamed of my wedding -- I always thought that it would be great if I met someone and got married, but it wasn''t something that I had planned at the age of 10. My husband was the same way -- actually, when we were dating, we both went through periods of time when we were unsure if we were marriage material, if that makes sense. Yes, we spent just over a year planning, and to have it come and go in the blink of an eye is kind of sad to me (kind of like when Christmas is over). I like what you said about planning or doing something else to fill that need to occupy my/our time with something.

One of our goals is to lose some weight before having kids. The pressure''s on big time, but I''m going to try. So I''ve started tracking what I eat more often (which is really hard to do if you go out and you can''t figure out the calories, etc. in the meal). Like I said, I''m going to check out our new gym. It sounds weird, but I want to get in the habit of going after school, so I''m going to arrive there at the time I would during the school year and pretend that the school year has begun.

LL -- thanks! How did I expect things to be different (and I knew you weren''t being snarky)? Hmm...I''m not sure really. I think I expected that ''complete'' feeling that SDL mentioned. I can''t put into words what I thought would happen, but I''l give it more thought.

Thank you so much for taking the time to write such thoughtful replies. I know others have felt this way, and that''s good to know. I certainly don''t mean to sound like I''m whining or complaining because our life is very good.

 

[Haven]

Date: 7/28/2008 4:34:25 PM
Author: ZoeBartlett
Making a home your own is fun, and I can''t wait to do that when we eventually buy a house (replying to Haven). We did it when we bought our condo but it''s not quite the same -- this place has no real character on the inside.

[ . . . ]

One of our goals is to lose some weight before having kids. The pressure''s on big time, but I''m going to try. So I''ve started tracking what I eat more often (which is really hard to do if you go out and you can''t figure out the calories, etc. in the meal). Like I said, I''m going to check out our new gym. It sounds weird, but I want to get in the habit of going after school, so I''m going to arrive there at the time I would during the school year and pretend that the school year has begun.

Zoe--It has been fun making our house a home, I really love it. You guys will have a blast.

I need to lose some weight before we have kids, too. I do best when I have a workout buddy, for sure. A colleague and I were working out together every day after school in the athletic weight room and it was PERFECT. But then that waned as the year ended and we had too many papers and exams to grade. I wish I was able to work out before work because I''m always so tired at the end of the day, but I CANNOT get up at 4 AM to work out, no way!

I think your plan to go to the gym at your "school" time is a great idea. Keep us posted on your progress!

 

[Laurie2]

Zoe,
I''m a teacher too and we start ridiculously early here. Kids come on Aug. 12 so I''m already working in my classroom. The first day I was at school working the secretary made a PA announcement for Mrs. ___________. I thought for a second, who''s that? It was so weird hearing my new name over the all call.

Our situation was somewhat similar to yours in that we have lived to gether for 3 years. At it is the same. But I think there is a peace in that.

 

[Dreamgirl]

Awwww this thread is depressing me. Im not even engaged yet and all of you ladies feel like you did before your weddings?

I sort of agree with what Daydreamer is saying about how you feel after Christmas. It sure is exciting to plan plan plan and then when its over, there is a bittersweet sadness leftover. That always happens to me.

Sounds like most of you lived with your husbands before you got married. Maybe I can understand where you would feel pretty much the same afterwards. I dont live with my FF, even after 10 years together. We see each other every day though. I guess we wanted to wait to live together so that we have something new and exciting after marriage. I guess its something we both really look forward to. I hope it would be anyway......

 

[Sabine]

Things are totally back to normal for us to, but to me, this actually feels great. I love how comfortable it feels to be at home with hubby, even if we are both doing our own things or fighting over the remote. I kinda thought it would feel a little different, but I''m not complaining!

 

[HollyS]

I didn''t feel exactly the same as before. I felt married. But, 1) I didn''t live with my DH prior to marriage, and 2) I wasn''t expecting life to do a 180 after the wedding, so I wasn''t disappointed.

To tell you the truth, I didn''t feel a letdown until this summer. I got engaged in the summer of 2006, and planned my wedding in the summer of 2007. Now, I feel like "Where''s my excitement?"; and to be completely truthful, there''s just a little bit of "Why isn''t it all about me (us) anymore?" Fortunately, I still have some projects like the final decisions about which photos to have published in our coffee table book, and an online slideshow of wedding photos for our friends and family. And we''re taking an anniversary trip in October. I''m trying to get my sister and BIL to renew their vows for their 25th anniversary in 2009 so I can plan another event! Maybe I''m just a frustrated wedding planner . . . or I was one in a previous life!

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 7/28/2008 5:14:57 PM
Author: Haven

Date: 7/28/2008 4:34:25 PM
Author: ZoeBartlett
Making a home your own is fun, and I can''t wait to do that when we eventually buy a house (replying to Haven). We did it when we bought our condo but it''s not quite the same -- this place has no real character on the inside.

[ . . . ]

One of our goals is to lose some weight before having kids. The pressure''s on big time, but I''m going to try. So I''ve started tracking what I eat more often (which is really hard to do if you go out and you can''t figure out the calories, etc. in the meal). Like I said, I''m going to check out our new gym. It sounds weird, but I want to get in the habit of going after school, so I''m going to arrive there at the time I would during the school year and pretend that the school year has begun.

Zoe--It has been fun making our house a home, I really love it. You guys will have a blast.

I need to lose some weight before we have kids, too. I do best when I have a workout buddy, for sure. A colleague and I were working out together every day after school in the athletic weight room and it was PERFECT. But then that waned as the year ended and we had too many papers and exams to grade. I wish I was able to work out before work because I''m always so tired at the end of the day, but I CANNOT get up at 4 AM to work out, no way!

I think your plan to go to the gym at your ''school'' time is a great idea. Keep us posted on your progress!

You need to lose weight????? I would never in a million years think that.

I wish that I could work out before school also, but like you, there''s no way that I could drag my bum out of bed at 4 AM.

 

[Haven]

Date: 7/28/2008 8:13:25 PM
Author: ZoeBartlett

Date: 7/28/2008 5:14:57 PM

Author: Haven

Date: 7/28/2008 4:34:25 PM

Author: ZoeBartlett

Making a home your own is fun, and I can''t wait to do that when we eventually buy a house (replying to Haven). We did it when we bought our condo but it''s not quite the same -- this place has no real character on the inside.


[ . . . ]


One of our goals is to lose some weight before having kids. The pressure''s on big time, but I''m going to try. So I''ve started tracking what I eat more often (which is really hard to do if you go out and you can''t figure out the calories, etc. in the meal). Like I said, I''m going to check out our new gym. It sounds weird, but I want to get in the habit of going after school, so I''m going to arrive there at the time I would during the school year and pretend that the school year has begun.

Zoe--It has been fun making our house a home, I really love it. You guys will have a blast.


I need to lose some weight before we have kids, too. I do best when I have a workout buddy, for sure. A colleague and I were working out together every day after school in the athletic weight room and it was PERFECT. But then that waned as the year ended and we had too many papers and exams to grade. I wish I was able to work out before work because I''m always so tired at the end of the day, but I CANNOT get up at 4 AM to work out, no way!


I think your plan to go to the gym at your ''school'' time is a great idea. Keep us posted on your progress!

You need to lose weight????? I would never in a million years think that.


I wish that I could work out before school also, but like you, there''s no way that I could drag my bum out of bed at 4 AM.

That is one of the worst things about teaching--the early start to the work day. Well, if you''re a night owl like me, it is. I used to wake up for high school (when I was a student) and tell myself "You only have to do this for three (or two, or one) more years and then you''ll go to college and then get a job and NEVER have to be anywhere by 7 AM again. HA! If I only knew . . .

Anyway, yes, I really do need to lose some weight. I''m so tall that I can carry ten to 15 extra pounds pretty well, fortunately. I would like to lost at least 15 pounds before we try for kids, though 20 would be ideal. I''ve put on quite a bit in the last few years.

Do you post in the WWT thread in Family and Home? I tried once but it moves so fast I feel like I can''t keep up! It would be good motivation, though. I''m going to sign up on Sparkpeople, too, I''ve heard great things about that site.

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 7/28/2008 5:44:58 PM
Author: Dreamgirl
Awwww this thread is depressing me. Im not even engaged yet and all of you ladies feel like you did before your weddings?

I sort of agree with what Daydreamer is saying about how you feel after Christmas. It sure is exciting to plan plan plan and then when its over, there is a bittersweet sadness leftover. That always happens to me.

Sounds like most of you lived with your husbands before you got married. Maybe I can understand where you would feel pretty much the same afterwards. I dont live with my FF, even after 10 years together. We see each other every day though. I guess we wanted to wait to live together so that we have something new and exciting after marriage. I guess its something we both really look forward to. I hope it would be anyway......

Oh no!! I didn''t mean to make you (or anyone else) sad. Maybe this wasn''t the right place to post this. I don''t want to make it sound like I''m really unhappy or anything (far from it!). Things are great, just as they were before our wedding. I just thought there''d be a different feel to life afterwards, that''s all.

 

[miraclesrule]

So now what????

Now you get to say "My husband" and he gets to say "My Wife".

Now...you''re married

 

[zoebartlett]

Haven,

I''m more of a morning person than a night owl (like my husband), but even I have my limits.

I posted photos in my honeymoon thread -- as you can see, I''m a shorty and if I even LOOK at food, it attaches itself to me.

I just joined SparkPeople, and I think it will be helpful. My husband lost a bunch of weight a number of years ago (which he''s put back on), and during that time, he created a database for weight loss. It''s actually very similar to SP as far as the nutrition database and menu planning section goes. I''m planning on using both to help me, while my husband is going to stick with what he created. It''s worked for him in the past, and we''re both ready to tackle this again.

 

[allycat0303]

Hey Zoe,

Part of me wonders if I am going to feel different (I feel like it SHOULD..because marriage is this huge step) but at the same time I''ve been with my fiance for 13 years. We own a house together and although I don''t live with him, I spend 4-5 nights a week there, so I feel like after the wedding it''s going to be *yawn* back to normal life.

I am trying to (I know it sounds silly) try to find different ways to make the wedding special (instead of just a party). I''ve thought of taking a week apart before the wedding, so we''re excited to see each other. Or trying to focus on the honeymoon as something exciting. But I think how you feel is completely normal. I don''t think marriage for a couple that have been together for a long time, could possibly as different as a couple that haven''t lived together, or have been together less long.

I guess I would be happy that it hasn''t changed. You''r relationship was amazing beforehand, and is now still amazing. At least it isn''t the case, of everything changing after marriage, and you finding out "this isn''t the person I thought it was."

 

[sweetjettagirl04]

Zoe,

Sorry to hear this! I''m sooo worried about the same thing! The past two years I''ve been consumed with helping my friends plan their weddings, and now I get to plan mine - so I''m really worried about the let down after we return back to normal life. I''m hoping to relish the fact that we''re married and try to make it different, even though we''ll be in the same place and back to normal every day living.

I think you''ve got some amazing feedback here! Just look forward to being called Mrs. instead of Ms. at school in the near future!

My best friend told me that after they got married (already had a house and child), they didn''t really feel any different either once it got back to normal. So, what you''re going through isn''t a new thing.

besides, you can help all us brides with your wonderful feedback and experience...

 

[Laila619]

Zoe, I firmly believe that when you live together before marriage, it''s hard to have it feel ''different'' after the wedding. That''s why I don''t live with my fiance yet. Got to save something special and new for after the wedding!

We''re going to be so excited to move in together that I don''t think we''ll feel post wedding blues.

 

[noelwr]

I''m hoping nothing changes once when we''re married. we will have lived together for 7 years so if something does change it would be strange.

I agree with miraclesrule. when I proposed to FI, he said "you realize you''re going to become my wife?" and I did a double-take because I had never thought of being called someone''s wife, but of course I didn''t change my mind! so I think introducing each other as and referring to each other as husband and wife will be the most noticable change.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Isn''t it nice to go back to normal, though?

I remember when we walked back into our house after the wedding we looked at each other and laughed because not a single thing was different. We dropped off our luggage, I threw my dress on the bed and we went to see a movie. I probably didn''t feel "different" for a few months. The name change was tough on me, so that did feel different and still does. The holidays felt different just because people thought we should spend them together after marriage--talking about buying a house (which I know you''ve done) and having kids felt different for me because it seemed much more real and it completely freaked me out.

It''s obviously different for everybody, but I know I didn''t really feel any difference for a few months, then it hit me kind of hard in a suffocating way. Now I''m fine, but I definitely feel different now than I did a month or two after being married. I think you''ll find that it does change how you feel, just not overnight.

 

[Sha]

Yeah, I agree it's probably normal to feel the same if you've lived together before the wedding. I was married before - The first time I had lived with my FI about 6 months before the wedding. The wedding was in the morning, so in the afternoon we just came home and promptly went to sleep. Then we packed out a few things, but Life just continued as it always did. It almost felt the wedding was just a 'break' in our normal lives, 'cause everything just fell right back to being the same literally after the wedding itself.

This time, DH and I moved in afterwards, (actually about a month and a half after because we couldn't find a house). But it was definitely more exciting.

We went around looking for houses, then made shopping trips to get things for our new home, then started packing, THEN started the moving process, and then finally settled into unpacking and decorating our new home, on top of getting used to being with each other 24/7! So yeah, there was a lot of excitement after the wedding day. It was definitely a different feeling. The process of shopping together and then moving out of my family home and into "our" home, especailly helped to cement that "married" feeling.

Since a lot of couples live together before the wedding I think it does make the 'after the wedding' period seem a bit ant-climactic.

I agree that projects can help to fill that void.... How about scrapbooking your wedding? That's one thing I still plan to do.

 

[winston26]

YEP! I feel exactly the same as you! I was already feeling sad that our day was over but I noticed even DH was a little sad and even brought it up that he didn''t feel any different. We didn''t officially live together but might as well have.....he doesn''t even have all his stuff moved in yet though. DH appropriately put it as "why the H did we spend all that time and money for that event and then having nothing be different at all?"

My expectations were to get some of the "ga-ga" infatuation feelings back I think. Or be just as excited about the next phases of our lives....which I am excited for (if only I knew what they were), but not nearly to the extent of the wedding day.

But what is different is the little things. Seeing a ring on DH''s finger and knowing it''s mine makes me happy. Watching my name get converted at work (a long process across many computer systems)....for some reason, I''m dying to get my new name plate??? Hearing DH say "my wife" (which he seems to enjoy saying--cute in itself). DH even has a list--answering my phone whenever he wants, not caring if my mom sees his things here, finally getting to be on my insurance card. I swear his biggest excitement was calling my voicemail at work so he could hear me say my new name. Except I answered the phone and he says "oh, I was hoping for your voicemail!!!" so I knew what he was up to! It''s only been 2 weeks. I bet you''ll slowly start seeing some of these fun things too!!!!

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 7/29/2008 4:10:20 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
Isn't it nice to go back to normal, though?

I remember when we walked back into our house after the wedding we looked at each other and laughed because not a single thing was different. We dropped off our luggage, I threw my dress on the bed and we went to see a movie. I probably didn't feel 'different' for a few months. The name change was tough on me, so that did feel different and still does. The holidays felt different just because people thought we should spend them together after marriage--talking about buying a house (which I know you've done) and having kids felt different for me because it seemed much more real and it completely freaked me out.

It's obviously different for everybody, but I know I didn't really feel any difference for a few months, then it hit me kind of hard in a suffocating way. Now I'm fine, but I definitely feel different now than I did a month or two after being married. I think you'll find that it does change how you feel, just not overnight.

Yes so true, you will reflect back a year or 2 and then feel a little different, mostly likely, stonger as a unit.