Smartphones And Your Marriage

[rubyshoes]

DH and I have been married 13 years and for the most part we have been very happy. Recently though, I am getting more and more pissed off with his smartphone obsession. He has a work Blackberry, a personal Android phone and a Kindle Fire.

Before we had these, he would listen to what I said. NOW, his eyes keep flipping to his phones/Kindle, he answers work emails constantly, he responds to non-critical LinkedIn or FB messages and he does all this while I am talking to him! It is so rude! Would he interrupt his boss because I had sent him an email? He'll ask me a question, and while I am answering him, he starts scrolling and then he responds with "Uh huh... uh huh..."

I have a smartphone too, but I give DH priority. I will let a call go to voicemail, and then listen when I have a chance to do so, rather than jump to it.

I feel like the smartphone thing is so easily abused by some people. My DH certainly does. I've talked to him endlessly about this because it drives me CRAZY! He says all the right things but it's completely temporary.

I slept at 4 last night, and at 7:30 when he was leaving for work, he came and said "The carpenter's coming at 9am to fix the dining room issue." I'm like, WHAT???

Yeah.

1) He *says* he messaged me about it last week (he didn't, I didn't get any such text.)
2) He could've reminded me last night but didn't.
3) The 'scheduling' of the carpenter was done without even asking me or knowing if it would work for me.
4) You have 2 phones & a Kindle Fire but you can't communicate with me? Really? You can't text me, whatsapp me or call me?

That time last evening when we were having dinner together when he could have brought this up but didn't?

Yup, he was juggling his freaking phones! Pathetic.

Give me one good reason I shouldn't throw all these cellphones in icy Lake Michigan? Maybe I'll place them all in the middle of my driveway and drive my Subaru over them. What a satisfying crunch that will be.

What about you guys? Do you have it better?

 

[GemFever]

So sorry to hear about this rubyshoes! What you describe would absolutely drive me crazy. We haven't had any issues yet, but we haven't been married that long. I've got a bit of a temper though, so if I were in your place, I would have probably done something to those phones by now. Or given him a taste of his own medicine. Some kind of retaliation for sure. I'm sorry that talking about it hasn't helped...

 

[missy]

Well, I've said it before but while all these advances in technology have a great side they also have a very dark side. It is the dumbing down of society as I see it.

People cannot function without their phones/devices by their side constantly checking it all the time. Infuriating and it really turns us into a nation of ADD's IMO. I see it with me too. I cannot just enjoy one thing so much anymore. If I'm trying to relax and watch a good movie I might have my computer open surfing the web (who am I kidding-PS) too. I need constant stimulation. Bad bad bad.

But more importantly it affects how we interact with real life in the room human beings. I see it with the younger generation. They are lacking interpersonal skills. Because they don't relate one on one but text to text etc. It's sad and worrisome. And people make a big joke out of it but it's not funny. I have blocked texts from my phone but that's only one measure. I never check my phone when my dh is talking with me. I admit I have made a few faux pas (like the time I emailed my dh when I was on the treadmill and he was just in the other room about something I wanted him to do instead of just getting off the darn treadmill and walking over to him and telling him face to face-he was not amused LOL) but I am always striving to be better.

I always try to put people first over my toys and try to use them respectfully. For example, if we are with friends I won't be checking my messages. So I am self aware but I'd like to be better. Not to be constantly multitasking for the stimulation. I have to work on that. My dh does check for work stuff and in that sense technology is a real blessing because it allows him to be with me while still working. Win win in that situation but it must be used intelligently. He doesn't check personal stuff when we are having a conversation or doing something together.

I also don't think a smartphone is a necessity for younger kids and I am appalled that there is such a strong fight to allow kids the right to bring it in the classrooms with them. Really ridiculous. The problem lies with the permissive nature of the parents molding the next generation of smartphone/tech addicts.

Sorry you are dealing with this ruby. Definitely have a heart to heart with your dh because it is poisoning your relationship even if you don't realize it. Tell him how it makes you feel and that you want personal face to face conversation etc. I think sometimes people don't even realize how it makes others feel. Just let him know. (((hugs)))

ETA: when we were dating I used to threaten I was going to nuke his blackberry (yeah he had a blackberry in the 90's) until he gently pointed out that the blackberry allowed him to be spending all this time with me instead of being in the office. I realized how right he was and shut up about that LOL. I truly appreciate and value that aspect of technology that allows life to go on even when work can be 24/7 sometimes!

 

[Rosebloom]

That is a big bummer, Rubyshoes.

We have a "no technology at the dinner table" rule. That's helpful because I eat slow so we have longer to talk uninterrupted.

Sometimes when I'm stressed about something I "escape" into my phone (aka PS) a bit. Does he have something going on in his life that's making him avoid "real life" stuff?

 

[yennyfire]

I feel your pain rubyshoes! My DH has a work blackberry, a personal iPhone and an iPad. He's ALWAYS on one or the other and rarely gives anyone his full attention. It got so bad on a family vacation a few years ago, that I threatened to take the kids and leave.

We also have a no tech. rule at meals and it "forces" up to interact. It drives me crazy when I see families at dinner, each one on their own personal device, not even aware that there are other people at the table. Why go out as a family if you're going to ignore one another???

I also hate it when people text when a conversation is really necessary. It's one thing to text someone that you're running 10 minutes late...quite another to dicuss when 4 couples are available to get together...yes, I have a friend who tries to coordinate things like this via text. Makes me insane....

I agree with every word Missy said about the younger generation and parents being so permissive. If your kid is in school, where they are supposed to be, you don't need a smartphone to reach them. You can call the school and get a message to them if it's so important. If it's not that important, then wait! I get it once they are driving and on their own. It becomes a safety issue. But prior to that, I don't see why 8 year olds need phones (yes, some of the kids in my son's 2nd grade class have their own phones..."in case our after school plans change"....don't get me started).

I didn't mean to threadjack ruby, but this is one of my hot button issues and I could rant for hours about it. I truly empathize with you. All I can suggest is to set boundaries. Ours are no technology at the table and no technology in the bedroom. I'd like more, but that's what DH and I could agree on.

 

[kenny]

We also have a no tech. rule at meals and it "forces" up to interact. It drives me crazy when I see families at dinner, each one on their own personal device, not even aware that there are other people at the table. Why go out as a family if you're going to ignore one another???

They are all around the dinner table talking to each other on Skype.

 

[rubyshoes]

GemFever: I have a temper too (I lost my head this morning and just yelled at him!) but all the talking I do has had zero permanent effect on him. I don't know what to do anymore!

Missy: Agree 100% with everything you've said. I am very disciplined too wrt to my phone, prioritizing DH or friends so I know it can be done! But you have to want to do it.

Rosebloom: I instituted that rule too. He followed it for a while but then he stopped. If I remind him, he'll put his stuff away but it makes me angry to have to remind him every time! It also makes me feel bad, like he has no interest in spending time with me! You make a good point about avoiding real life stuff. I don't think he has some issue bothering him, but don't for sure because he tends to keep things bottled up. I usually have to get it out of him and lately I've been so angry with him I can't be bothered.

yennyfire: This has quickly become a hot button topic for us as well! One huge fight we had a few months ago happened because he kept fiddling with the friggin ringtones on his phone, trying to pick a good one, and all I wanted to do was snuggle! I agree re. boundaries, but they have not 'stuck' so far.

 

[rubyshoes]

We also have a no tech. rule at meals and it "forces" up to interact. It drives me crazy when I see families at dinner, each one on their own personal device, not even aware that there are other people at the table. Why go out as a family if you're going to ignore one another???

They are all around the dinner table talking to each other on Skype.

I'm sure DH would find that image more appealing than appalling.

 

[diamondringlover]

My hubby doesnt do this..but my son does and it does make me crazy...his phone NEVER stops dinging and ringing for work and personal..it makes me crazy, I havent ask him to not answer it because he is always on call and has to answer it...I pitty the women he marries......it would drive me over the edge if hubby did this..hell he barley talks to me or listens to me as it is..

 

[jazzoboe]

I'm sorry your dealing with this. It would drive me nuts. Luckily (kind of) for me, DH is cheap, so neither of us even have smartphones. And I'll point out that at 25 years old, this makes us very unusual among our peers. I was one of the last of my friends to get a cell phone; my parents got me a prepaid phone (I paid for all the minutes myself) when I got my driver's license.

Kids do drive me crazy with their tech obsession, though. Last summer I was teaching reading classes, and one of my 4th graders told me he was SO EXCITED because that afternoon his mom was taking him to upgrade his phone to an iphone. I'm thinking, yeah at 9 years old it must be so tough to get by with a more basic cell phone What are parents thinking?

Also, I'm now tutoring high school students for ACT/SAT and we have a blanket "no phones" policy. Well one of my students had his phone out a few weeks ago and it kept vibrating and he was like "oh sorry, I have to look at it or it will just keep going." So I tried to be nice and just asked him to turn it completely on silent instead of vibrate, and he tells me "oh, but it's my parents, they might need to get a hold of me..." So I said, "You know what? If your parents really need you, they can call the center. Otherwise, whatever they have to say can wait until we're done here." And of course he tells me "I don't think they'll do that. I said "Tell your parents your teacher had told you that you may not check your phone during your session and if they need to contact you immediately they'll have to call the center. If they have any problem with that, let them know I'd be happy to talk to them about it." I haven't seen his phone out since

 

[TravelingGal]

TGuy and I have a mutual strong dislike of people are ruled by their phones, so it's not an issue for us at all. We never have our phones out at restaurants when we go out (every Thursday night is still date night) and the more we see people and families ruled by it, the more luddite we get. The only exception is if we connect for lunch or something during a work day, we will peek once or twice because it's within a workday and we both can have fires happen (especially him since he works IT for a financial system).

I admit though, on weekends during Football season, he does tend to want to peek at his phone more. But I can live with that since I know why, lol.

 

[tammy77]

Ruby, this is such a timely thread and thank you for bringing it up! My DH and I have had many "discussions" about his face being glued to his iphone when I'd much rather he be making eye contact/conversation with me.

Why is it timely? Well because I literally was logging on to ask which ipad would be the best to get for him. He's been not-so-subtly hinting that he'd like one and I'd finally cracked. After this reminder of how technology can stink, I think I'll put it off.

I hope that your situation gets better soon and know that you're not alone!

 

[GoldFish8]

I am sorry for what you are going through RubyShoes! I thought I would chime in from the other side of things... I can *kind of* relate to your DH, and my poor FH has had to put up with my inconsiderate shenanegans for about 6 months before I *Got it*... sometimes we can be so stupid...

My obsession with techy gadgets started when I discovered I could read books on my iPad! you could imagine my glee when I could have all the books in the world at the touch of my fingertips! It started on vacation. My FH was quite amused because he had never seen me read so much for fun (besides boring law stuff)... Then I continued this reading binge when we got home... I'm talking 13-14 hours a day, not sleeping until 5am because I *HAD* to finish this "one" book...

Needless to say, it put a strain on our relationship... He brought it up nicely the first time, saying that we don't even have conversations anymore, and that my responses are usually ... "...what did you say? Oh. yea.. uh huh." So I thought about it, and felt that he was being ridiculous and unfair. I didn't do that.

Over the next month or so he brought it up a few more times nicely.

Then after 4 or 5 months he brought it up, not as nicely. We had a huge blow-out. I thought about it, and I thought... he may be right... but my damn books are soooo interesting. All the TV shows we watch pale in comparison, why should I have to sacrifice reading, when we would be watching TV anyway.. sooo being the stubborn idiot that I am, I kept on reading like a madman. I made a little bit of an effort to not do so as much while he was around. I would "sneak" read when he wasnt watching.. I definitely had a problem..

Then one day we were lounging around, me on my ipad, and he on his phone / computer /ipad. I realized he wasn't even trying to talk to me like he usually does or make any kind of conversation. I took notice. Then a few days later, I put my ipad away. We were watching some show on TV that evening, I made conversation, and his response was ".. What? oh..uh huh.." (Say what!?)

This continued for about a week. Then I put my foot down. It really bothered me. How could he do this to ME! what in the world is so interesting/ pressing that he is not giving me his undivided attention when I haven't seen him all day?!

I had my "AHA" moment. THIS was when I realized what it must have felt like for him for SIX MONTHS!

...with my tail between my legs, I made nice. Now I only read when I am alone, or when we are on vacation. I put all my gadgets away when he gets home from work.

No amount of arguing, talking etc. did it for me. It took my FH to give me a taste of my own medicine to realize what a complete and total inconsiderate b*tch I was being.

I really hope your DH snaps out of it soon! maybe a taste of his own medicine??

 

[TooPatient]

Understand your pain!

Got a computer guy at home. Thankfully the computers allow him to be at home more and get stuff done for work otherwise he'd be sitting in his office instead.
The down side though...

He has a tablet computer with him everywhere. Even when we are out eating. Even at home trying to watch a movie. As often as not, he's actually reading some article. I've had entire conversations he can't remember ever having (nice when he gets upset because "Why didn't you tell me _____?!").

When we go camping I have to ban all electronics to be left at home except a cell phone for emergencies -- that gets stuck in the glovebox of the car with the battery removed. Even with that I got up one morning to him reading the Wall Street Journal on the phone while sitting in the car!

 

[Smith1942]

Oh, you're not the only one, Rubes. My husband is tech-mad and rarely takes his face away from the screen when I talk, if he is on one of his devices. It doesn't really bother me though - I haven't analysed it, but I think perhaps we also have other times when we do talk face to face about things, and those times must be enough face-time for me otherwise I guess I'd be more annoyed. However, don't get me wrong, I've definitely become irritated when I've realised how often he won't even glance up when I talk if he has some tech in his hands.

A young married friend of mine says that her husband doesn't like it when she doesn't take her eyes off the TV when he speaks to her. She says she is indeed guilty of this. So I'm not sure this is just limited to new technology.

Regardless, when someone addresses you it is rude not to look up, whatever you are occupied with. I think this is a common problem and that it just goes back to over-familiarity and a lack of manners.

Boundaries are funny things - experts swear by them, but an adult on whom you're imposing a boundary can always exercise the right not to take the slightest bit of notice. If this happens, you can feel as if you've failed at the whole boundaries technique, but you can't make adults abide by them like you can with a teenager by taking away their car privileges.

If all else fails, I'd definitely advocate a taste of his own medicine as a poster described above. Next time he actually wants to talk to you about something, don't meet his eyes and see how he likes it. As you and I both know, not turning your face towards the speaker or meeting his/her eyes makes the speaker feel quite unimportant and a little uncomfortable. You could busy yourself with anything - sweeping dirt off the sofa, picking something off your sweater - but when he wants to talk, don't turn your face to him or meet his eyes, and see how he likes it! It is actually feels quite weird when you address someone and they don't turn their head or look at you, so let him feel that.

 

[luv2sparkle]

My husband sits on our bed at night with the ipad or his kindle fire on his lap. It kinda bugs me but I think it is mostly because we don't always like the same tv shows. Sometimes someone from work will text him on his days off. I really hate asking 'who was that?' but I think it is rude not to say whats going on when you are with someone. It kinda feels as if someone were whispering something you are not allowed to hear.

I feel your pain! I think it would be so fun to run over them all with your Subaru. But you know it would all get replaced. It would be a very satisfying crunch!

 

[lliang_chi]

I never realized how much screen time I have until our son came along. Now that he's old enough to walk around and interact with us, I made it a point to shut my laptop and keep my phone away. Mostly because he likes playing with both and it's really annoying. But also because I want to limit HIS screen time, so I started limiting mine. No laptop or phone if he's awake. I do respond to text messages etc, like if my sister wants to come over and see Ethan.

Mentioned earlier about kids who are glued to touchscreens, here's this Atlantic article about the same thing. I'm reading it now:
http://m.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2013/04/the-touch-screen-generation/309250/

 

[Dreamer_D]

I hate smart phones for all the reasons you describe. I think they negatively affect social interaction. So we don't have them. I don't ever plan to get one. I'm not much help, but I definitely agree that smartphones suck!

ETA: And my kids will never have TVs or laptops in their rooms, their internet time will be monitored and restricted, and no smart phones for them! Yup, I am mean and luddite.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Ruby - sorry about this! We have a lot of gadgets & each have smart phones and they do interfere at times. My biggest issue is that DH works VERY long hours and when he gets home, he wants to unwind, which means plopping down on the couch with the ipad from getting home time till bedtime. We no longer have family dinner and he doesn't interact with the kids as much. I feel like a single mom! I know he has to work the long hours, but now, the ipad usage is going to cost us $ because my older son is getting into higher level math and if he needs help, I will have to hire someone b/c I don't remember algebra.

Anyway, it is problemantic when a spouse plans something via text with another person and magically expects you to know about it. I've been there. Like the day I was asked why I "wasn't getting ready." Ready for what? Apparently an extendend family dinner he never told me about b/c he assumed his mom texted me. HUH?

 

[MichelleCarmen]

I also don't think a smartphone is a necessity for younger kids and I am appalled that there is such a strong fight to allow kids the right to bring it in the classrooms with them. Really ridiculous. The problem lies with the permissive nature of the parents molding the next generation of smartphone/tech addicts.!

I don't think smart phones are necessary, either, but a lot of kids have them. We live in an affluent enough area where most kids have phones, but the majority are good about not using them whenever they want. One kid did start texting my son (but b/c we don't have a landline, he was texting MY phone so after 16 phone calls from him in 2 days, plus texts, I put my foot down...I almost went and got my kids phones that day because I don't want my kids on my phone when a text to me comes in and they might read it. Not all are 100% kid appropriate lol

I'm trying to figure out what to do now. DH and I have iphones and can get the kids flip phones on our plan w/texting for $14 each per month OR I can get them each pre-paid ones. I have 6000+ rolled over minutes on my account right now, so I am going to number crunch. We currently pay $1700ish per year for our 2 iphones! Ugh.

 

[chrono]

We cannot avoid technology altogether but must be stringent about setting limits. I love being able to just call or text at a moment's notice during emergencies, when I forget what I am supposed to get at the grocery store, when we split up as a group and need to meet someplace and such situations. I draw the line at usage during meals, talking to others and when there are important tasks that have higher priority such as homework, chores and the like.

Ruby,
It will be interesting to see if he notices when you treat him the same way he treats you (while using electronic gadgets). Unfortunately, I doubt it. Men are wired differently.

 

[JaneSmith]

That sucks Rubyshoes.
I'm not sure if giving him a taste of his own medicine will work or not. It very well could, but if he bottles things up, he may think that you are just ignoring him because you are annoyed with him (yes, I know you are) and will just double down with the current behaviour. Or he may think you have found someone online. Or he might not notice at all and be happy that you aren't bugging him anymore. You know him so I'm sure you can guess how it would go, I'm just worried it may backfire.
You could just start overusing the tech to get his attention. Start FaceTime or Skype conversations at the dinner table if he has his nose in his phone. Text everything you want to say even if he is sitting next to you. Email him pictures of yourself smiling with a caption of 'hi!'.
If all else fails, crush the devices mercilessly and email him a picture of the carnage to his work email. Mwa ha ha!

 

[Ally T]

Ditto, ditto, ditto.
My husbands iPhone 5 may very well be meeting with a tragic accident very soon....

 

[monarch64]

I don't know if smartphones are really the culprit. I feel like they're more of a symptom than the actual disease. My mother used to complain when my father brought the newspaper to the dinner table and sat there reading instead of interacting with the family.

If there's an issue between you two of not being paid attention to or basically, being respected, then that is what needs to be adressed! Last week, my husband and I were having a conversation after work, and his phone rang, and he took the call and started to walk away. Fortunately, he turned and saw the look on my face and realizing his error, asked the person on the line if he could call him back another time. He was so apologetic to me, it really was a genuine mistake as he said he hadn't quite transitioned into "home mode" from "work mode" yet. Understandable. We've tried to set the precedent in our relationship that it's not ok to take each other for granted.

Smartphones, newspapers, video games, mowing the lawn, chatting on the phone, there are all kinds of ways to ignore your partner. Which reminds me, I'm on my laptop right now while my husband is downstairs hanging out with the baby. I think I'll shut this down and go hang out with them.

 

[justginger]

Smartphones are taking over the world! - they're not called 'smart' for no reason.

I find that I am on my phone too much. Doing what? Nothing of importance. Generally on PS or FB. It's a time-filler for me, and I've noticed that it spills over into time that I never intended to waste. I'm reading less, speaking to strangers less, just being more introverted. It's a shortcoming that I can see and I've made active attempts to limit it. When I go to the beach now, the phone gets left in the car and the book gets brought on the shore with me.

Same with dinners. If we're somewhere that requires one of us to leave the table and order, cafe-style, then phones are allowed while we are apart, waiting. After that, phones go in the pocket. In fact yesterday at lunch I had to 'remind' DH that has sailing forum could wait for us to finish our meal, but to his credit he turned the phone completely off and into his pocket it went.

I don't know how to solve your problem, ruby. I guess I would be inclined to have one last talk, during which I convey my NEED to have attention during meals (for example) and tell him that you're going to stop doing something he NEEDS until he obliges. I wasn't actually thinking of what everyone will think of, I was thinking along the lines of only making dinner for yourself and let him scratch together his own phone-dependent meals.

Good luck!

 

[ksinger]

I feel your pain rubyshoes! My DH has a work blackberry, a personal iPhone and an iPad. He's ALWAYS on one or the other and rarely gives anyone his full attention. It got so bad on a family vacation a few years ago, that I threatened to take the kids and leave.

We also have a no tech. rule at meals and it "forces" up to interact. It drives me crazy when I see families at dinner, each one on their own personal device, not even aware that there are other people at the table. Why go out as a family if you're going to ignore one another???

I also hate it when people text when a conversation is really necessary. It's one thing to text someone that you're running 10 minutes late...quite another to dicuss when 4 couples are available to get together...yes, I have a friend who tries to coordinate things like this via text. Makes me insane....

I agree with every word Missy said about the younger generation and parents being so permissive. If your kid is in school, where they are supposed to be, you don't need a smartphone to reach them. You can call the school and get a message to them if it's so important. If it's not that important, then wait! I get it once they are driving and on their own. It becomes a safety issue. But prior to that, I don't see why 8 year olds need phones (yes, some of the kids in my son's 2nd grade class have their own phones..."in case our after school plans change"....don't get me started).

I didn't mean to threadjack ruby, but this is one of my hot button issues and I could rant for hours about it. I truly empathize with you. All I can suggest is to set boundaries. Ours are no technology at the table and no technology in the bedroom. I'd like more, but that's what DH and I could agree on.

Amen to that one. I can and have ranted quite a bit on this one.

Rubyshoes, it could be way more than just an insensitive spouse. I hate to be a downer, but it could be a true behavioral addiction, which would explain why your ire and rules never seem to stick. I honestly don't think it will be too much longer before it is recognized as one, such as shopping or gambling addictions.

http://www.news-medical.net/news/20121207/Cell-phone-dependence-e28098just-as-real-as-substance-addictione28099.aspx

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/29/cell-phone-addiction-instant-messaging-impulsivity-_n_2213086.html

I personally despise cell phones, smart phones, etc. My and my husband's best times are when we are cut off from the damn things. We both just love it. I use maybe 70 minutes a month? And I had all texts blocked from my phone. Hubs texts some because the under 30 crowd he hangs with simply refuse to communicate any other way, which I find extremely disturbing. I really think we're hurtling towards being cyborgs...

 

[rubyshoes]

Well, I could respond to all the responses individually but I am very down today and just can't. We have not been talking at all, and I had a heart-to-heart with my best friend yesterday. She said she thinks this is just a symptom and that something else is going on and the only way I can find out is through therapy. She is afraid he has 'checked out' of the marriage. I don't want to over-react but I am beginning to believe that the gadget issue is a symptom of a larger problem. Didn't mean to write such a pessimistic post but I think we need professional help. I am sick of being the 'mom' in the relationship. Sucks but that's the way it is.

 

[GoldFish8]

Oh I am so sorry Ruby! I feel ya, being the "mom" in the relationship totally blows

I really hope that you and your hubby can get it resolved before it gets too far. Sending you lots of *hugs* and well wishes!

 

[gem_anemone]

Your DH's behavior with his social media definitely comes off to me as a red flag! As a newlywed another big red flag I see in your original post is that your hubby gets up at 7:30 am but you didn't get to bed until 4am. Was it work/baby related that you went to bed so late? Does that happen often? DH and I work 8-5 M-F. There are times when one or the other of us does not have to get up in the morning. We have a rule that even if you don't have to get up in the morning that you still go to bed at the same time as the early riser. This can be broken for special circumstances or occasionally, but we like sleeping on the same schedule and I think it helps with our closeness.

 

[rubyshoes]

Your DH's behavior with his social media definitely comes off to me as a red flag! As a newlywed another big red flag I see in your original post is that your hubby gets up at 7:30 am but you didn't get to bed until 4am. Was it work/baby related that you went to bed so late? Does that happen often? DH and I work 8-5 M-F. There are times when one or the other of us does not have to get up in the morning. We have a rule that even if you don't have to get up in the morning that you still go to bed at the same time as the early riser. This can be broken for special circumstances or occasionally, but we like sleeping on the same schedule and I think it helps with our closeness.

It does happen often but that is because I am a writer. I cannot write until it is dark and I have no distractions. I usually start working at 11pm and if I'm in "the zone", I won't stop. So I often will work late into the morning but I have been this way always (since we met). A rule of sleeping at the same time will not work for me work-wise. I do my best work as a night-owl. Now if a therapist says to change it, I will do so, even if it means changing a work style that has worked for me for a long time. DH has never asked me to go sleep when he does so if it's an issue that is bothering him, I don't know.