Single Stigma?

[TravelingGal]

So this bridezilla talk, as well as circumstances of people I know, have gotten me thinking.

Say you are in the midst of wedding planning, but it''s getting a bit doubtful that you could make the marriage work...that this person may not be the right person for you. Do you go through with the wedding hoping for the best?

Someone I know is getting married. No one (and I mean NO ONE) likes her man. But this girl is in her later-mid 30''s and has never been married, so it is a BIG deal for her. She once "complained" to my friend that so many of their friends were already on their second marriage, while she hadn''t gone through her first. My friend pointed out that wasn''t it nice she didn''t have to go through the pain of divorce? Wasn''t it better to be 30''s and single than divorced? This girl agreed, but only halfheartedly.

We think she''ll go through with the wedding, if only because she honestly wants to say she was married...that SOMEONE out there wanted to marry her. That in our society, it''s better (and more accepted) to be divorced because it means you tried - vs older and single and having people think "what''s wrong with her?"

What do you think?

 

[ocbride2007]

The fear of being single is so strong - my mom still refuses to divorce, after the last 15 years of her marriage (and probably before that, but I was tooo young to realize it) have made her absolutely miserable. She is afraid of being "old" and singe - but she''s not even 50 yet!! I understand that so many people do so many things for fear of lonliness. It''s important to stay focused on the fact, that as women, we are not defined by whether or not we are someone''s "wife." We are important enough on our own!! Yes, marriage is a wonderful thing to be entered into as equals. But marrrying someone you''re unsure about just so you''re not single puts you in the position of thinking that you''re not good enough to be happy. I hope your friend really does love the guy, and is doing this for the right reasons!!

I think enough cannot be said about pre-marriage counseling. Even if you are not religious and don''t have to go through with it at your church, many marriage counselours offer it as well. Most people divorce over things like money, or different goals. Think about how much easier it is if you have discussed your different financial styles, how many children you really want, and if someone is expected to give up their career for the sake of the family!! It''s best to avoid the surprises, and at least have a starting point about where you differ so you can be prepared to compromise when the situation arises.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 6/19/2006 3:37:02 PM
Author: ocbride2007
The fear of being single is so strong - my mom still refuses to divorce, after the last 15 years of her marriage (and probably before that, but I was tooo young to realize it) have made her absolutely miserable. She is afraid of being ''old'' and singe - but she''s not even 50 yet!! I understand that so many people do so many things for fear of lonliness. It''s important to stay focused on the fact, that as women, we are not defined by whether or not we are someone''s ''wife.'' We are important enough on our own!! Yes, marriage is a wonderful thing to be entered into as equals. But marrrying someone you''re unsure about just so you''re not single puts you in the position of thinking that you''re not good enough to be happy. I hope your friend really does love the guy, and is doing this for the right reasons!!

I think enough cannot be said about pre-marriage counseling. Even if you are not religious and don''t have to go through with it at your church, many marriage counselours offer it as well. Most people divorce over things like money, or different goals. Think about how much easier it is if you have discussed your different financial styles, how many children you really want, and if someone is expected to give up their career for the sake of the family!! It''s best to avoid the surprises, and at least have a starting point about where you differ so you can be prepared to compromise when the situation arises.

I second pre-marital counseling. We would not have done it, but we want a family friend to marry us and he IS religious (I am, FI is not practicing) and he does require we go through it. FI was iffy at first, but now he is VERY positive about it. He gets to talk without me interrupting him (bad habit of mine) and with a mediator in the room. We say what we need to say, but are more thoughtful and constructive in how we say it. After the sessions, FI is open and eager to talk more about what we discussed.

I think we women all *know* that we are not defined by if we are someone''s wife. At least most of us do. But I wonder why there is still that very palpable fear that resides in a lot of us, even though we don''t admit it. Interestingly enough, I''ve noticed from my friends (and admittedly myself) that when we are truly single, we just go with it. Plow through life and are strong and proud. But when there is the option of life with another, that''s when all kinds of nutty things run through our minds. Is he it? Can I commit? Am I doing the right thing? Do I want to go through the whole dating thing again? Will I ever find anyone else if I do? Time''s-a-tickin!

To clarify, I love my FI and am sure. But that doesn''t mean I don''t have periods of insanity. It''s in my blood. Especially when he pisses me off...lol.

Just being honest about what I see in women..many whom I consider pretty strong.

 

[anchor31]

I agree about the "fear of being single" thing in our society. Who as a single person never got asked "so, when are you finding yourself a man/woman at a family dinner?

I have a friend who was so desperate to find a girlfriend he''d try to date every girl he met, and now he''s been with a girl for 2 ½ years and she''s making him miserable and alienating him from his friends, but he won''t leave her. He''s got pretty bad self-confidence (not that she''s helping

), and he''s too scared to be alone.

Another example close to home is my FF''s parents. Married for 30-something years and they have been unhappy and fighting for a long as my FF can remember, and he''s 24. His dad is selfish, grumpy, vulgar and extremely unpleasant, and he cheated 6 years ago; his mom''s bitter and angry and jumping at his throat at every occasion. But they won''t divorce. She needs the financial security, she doesn''t want to be alone; he needs someone to pick up his dirty socks. It''s a really, really sad story.

I''ve been with my FF for almost 3 years and I''ve known him for almost 4, and there were times when I''d think "I we don''t work this out, I am walking away". Even recently, not more than a couple of months ago! And I would have done it. I''d rather not marry at all than divorce later... And FF agrees. We will be getting pre-marital counseling, and we will resort to counseling in the future as well if this get really tough. We have faith in each other and our relationship, and we have a great ability to communicate and work through harder times. As my FF told me just Saturday "I''m getting engaged and married just once, and I''m doing this right."

 

[diamondfan]

I think people sometimes make bad choices and know it but cannot change the course. I am the eternal optimist, so unless I concluded it was something MAJOR, I might talk myself into thinking I could make it work with the proper effort. Of course, even when you love someone and work at it, it does not always mean the marriage will last. And I think relationships do take nuturing and work, it is NOT all moonlight and roses. So, I think, the fear of being single, a bit of a sense of denial coupled with the sense that if you cannot fix it you can walk away, makes it easier for people to decide to take the plunge. It seems often people think of marriage as a do over, and they will just keep doing it til they get it right!

 

[KimberlyH]

The fear of being eternally single is definitely a motivating factor in marrying, even when one is unsure.

About 6 years ago I almost married a guy who was anything but right for me. At the time I was uncomfortable in my own skin for many reasons and wasn''t sure I would find someone else. My family did not like him, but knew better than to say anything negative about him as they realized I wouldn''t have listened to them, it simply would have isolated me even further. My dad simply said to me, about one and half months before the wedding (we were addressing invitations), "you know you don''t have to go through with this if you don''t want to." This simple statement allowed me to see that I was in control of my future and that being married wasn''t the path to being happy, self-fullfillment was (and is).

I am so lucky that my dad taught me this lesson at 23...because now at 28, almost 29, I am marrying the most perfect for me man, because I learned to be happy alone first. And I''m so glad that my fiance never fell into the sociatal trappings that lead people to believe this as he is getting married, for the first time, to me at 38.

I have friends in their early to mid thirties who I have watched make the most ridiculous choices regarding relationships thinking that the guy involved might be "the one." One of those friends is ruining herself financially and emotionally for a man who is not willing to sacrafice anything for the well being of their new marriage and soon to be born baby. It''s a very sad and difficult thing to watch and I find I''ve distanced myself from the friendship because I am so sad that the baby will suffer because she has chosen to be with him rather than alone.

I''m sorry or this rant, but it this subject hits close to home...I wish more women (and men for that matter) worried less about what people that don''t matter thing of them and more about how they feel about themselves and the lives they are creating.

 

[allycat0303]

Ugh. I can tell you that the worst decisions are made when this fear sets in. Maybe lots of life decisions are mistakes when fear sets in. For example my boyfriend''s sister was 35 single mother, never married. She latched on to this guy and nearly THREW him down the alter. There were threats, ultimatums, screaming etc. And even as it was happening I was thinking "Is this about loving the person?" or is it about "I want to be married/have a wedding" or "I''m afraid of being alone"When she was planning the wedding, she became a total bridezilla. At the end of the day, all 3 reasons probably factored in..

And 1 year later she says she resents him, and that it was the biggest mistake of her life. They are not divorced yet, and we all wonder if it''s going to last...hard to say at this moment.

 

[MiniMouse]

The fear of being single is so widespread. I think I did it back to front though. I had the fear of being single when I was in my late teens (

), so I rushed into a marriage without even thinking that it was for life. Big mistake and we divorced exactly 3 years later. The older I got, the more I found that I was happy with myself, happy to be independent and single. However, when I reached my mid 30s I was meeting more men that were desperate to find a wife and have a family, but I wasn''t desperate for either. Eventually I gave in and entered a rushed engagement to an old friend, but all the way through our engagement period, I didn''t feel it was right. We had many differences and we also argued about the engagement ring. He felt he should choose the diamond, the design, and the setting - he wanted to buy bezel set, even though he knew I hated it (I said I preferred prong set) - but he said it was his money so his choice! I''ll never understand that mentality. There were too many issues that rung alarm bells for me, so I ended up cancelling out on our Great Barrier Reef wedding in Australia three weeks before the day and threw away my Aussie residency visa which had taken nearly a year to sort out from here in the Middle East and cost of airline tickets. I gave up on emigrating there. I''m not proud of cancelling (as I''m sure I hurt him badly), but I felt I couldn''t go through with something that didn''t feel 100% right (even if it was a nice thought to live in Australia). However, looking back, cancelling at such short notice was probably the bravest thing I''ve ever done, even if it was a nightmare for him. I needed to be happy and the closer the wedding got, the more miserable I became.

I stayed single (I hate the word divorced) for 14 years before I remarried, but it was for true love and the wish to be together for life. This time round my future husband told me to pick the engagement ring I wanted and not to worry about the cost. He wanted me to have my dream ring, whereas I was happy to have any ring from this wonderful man. So, my advice is to stay single (and therefore available) for the right man. I''m so glad I clung onto my independence until he came along. He''s fab and life couldn''t be better.

 

[diamondfan]

Date: 6/20/2006 8:52:13 AM
Author: MiniMouse
The fear of being single is so widespread. I think I did it back to front though. I had the fear of being single when I was in my late teens (

), so I rushed into a marriage without even thinking that it was for life. Big mistake and we divorced exactly 3 years later. The older I got, the more I found that I was happy with myself, happy to be independent and single. However, when I reached my mid 30s I was meeting more men that were desperate to find a wife and have a family, but I wasn''t desperate for either. Eventually I gave in and entered a rushed engagement to an old friend, but all the way through our engagement period, I didn''t feel it was right. We had many differences and we also argued about the engagement ring. He felt he should choose the diamond, the design, and the setting - he wanted to buy bezel set, even though he knew I hated it (I said I preferred prong set) - but he said it was his money so his choice! I''ll never understand that mentality. There were too many issues that rung alarm bells for me, so I ended up cancelling out on our Great Barrier Reef wedding in Australia three weeks before the day and threw away my Aussie residency visa which had taken nearly a year to sort out from here in the Middle East and cost of airline tickets. I gave up on emigrating there. I''m not proud of cancelling (as I''m sure I hurt him badly), but I felt I couldn''t go through with something that didn''t feel 100% right (even if it was a nice thought to live in Australia). However, looking back, cancelling at such short notice was probably the bravest thing I''ve ever done, even if it was a nightmare for him. I needed to be happy and the closer the wedding got, the more miserable I became.

I stayed single (I hate the word divorced) for 14 years before I remarried, but it was for true love and the wish to be together for life. This time round my future husband told me to pick the engagement ring I wanted and not to worry about the cost. He wanted me to have my dream ring, whereas I was happy to have any ring from this wonderful man. So, my advice is to stay single (and therefore available) for the right man. I''m so glad I clung onto my independence until he came along. He''s fab and life couldn''t be better.

I am glad you are happy now and got through the tough times. I agree that sometimes we are so intent on making Mr. Right Now into Mr. Right that we lose site of things and also can miss the right guy when he DOES appear, though I think there is more than one right person for us in the world. Timing is everything!

 

[portoar]

UGH. Single pressure. I didn''t marry until I was 34, and everyone made it seem like my shelf life was over and that I was consigned to spinsterhood. People would say, "why did you decide not to marry?" And here I was, just waiting for the right guy to come along. That kind of pressure is hard to resist.

 

[TravelingGal]

Thanks for sharing everyone...it was good to read your stories.

I really do think it''s tough on women AND men to stay single. One of my male friends once joked "I''m single by choice! Not MY choice, but still!"

Diamond fan, I think you hit the nail on the head on what I was thinking. If marriage WAS forever and you would be absolutely stuck with the person til death do you part, I think more women/men would opt to stay single.

Minimouse, that took some guts to cancel like that at the last minute. I can''t imagine how hard that must have been. Kudos for you for making a strong decision for yourself (and the rest of you gals too!)