Wedding Should we invite...?

[newbie124]

So I''m gearing up to send out our Save the Dates, and there''s one guest I''m really not sure if we ought to invite or not.

The problem is, this is the girl who FI and I met through. He met her when he first moved to the city and she was kind of helping out w/ his record label stuff. I met her when I was looking for a new roommate, although we didn''t end up living together.

She''s a sweet girl, but the problem is she''s also...well, kind of a big flake. She''s the type who you''ll make plans with then at the last minute (literally, last minute) cancel w/o any legit excuse. This happened so many times that we eventually just stopped inviting her to do stuff. Since FI and I met, we''ve probably hung out with her maybe...5 times? That''s over the course of 3 years. The last time we hung out was over a year ago. FI was closer to her than I ever was. The only times we hear from her now is when she sends out mass text messages announcing garage sales and the like.

I did include her in our initial announcement about her engagement that included our wedding date and location. In retrospect, I probably should have sent her a separate email, b/c now it makes it a little trickier to not invite her (although she''s probably already half forgotten about it and the chances of our seeing her before the wedding are fairly slim unless we go out of our way to try to reconnect with her).

I wouldn''t necessarily mind inviting her since it''s not like she''s TOTALLY out of the picture...But my main concern is that she would actually be that one guest who RSVPs to attend and then just doesn''t show up (even to a destination wedding).

We''re keeping a tight guest list and only inviting close friends and family. Right now the list is at 84, but we''re hoping/partly expecting no more than 70 will come.

I recently read a bride''s post-wedding advice where one tip was to err on the side of a smaller guest list b/c those people who you''re wavering on are most likely also the ones that will cause issues later on down the road. Our costs are around $150 per guest, so I would be really PO''d if she RSVPs yes for her and her bf and then just doesn''t show up.

Am I just making excuses? Mmm, probably, kind of...but then again I also don''t need one extra thing to be worrying about..

 

[marchswallowbird]

First, everything I''ve read (everything) says never to plan on fewer people than you are actually inviting. So you may be miscalculating badly if you are inviting 84 people but hoping only 70 RSVP/show up.

That said, I would not invite her. Just because you sent her info on when/where you will be getting hitched doesn''t mean you have invited her. How did she respond to that information? Did she assume it was an invitation? If not, then I think you are off the hook.

If you or your FI haven''t had any "real" contact with her in a year, you shouldn''t feel obligated to invite her. And you so do not need things like this to worry about.

 

[violet02]

For a destination wedding you can lose up to 20% of your guest list depending on how far away it is. My planner says almost never does everyone you invite show up so you do over-invite a bit. If you invite 70 and don't mind 60 showing up then no worries on how many you invite. I have 90 people invited, 70 budgeted but I'd love to see 80 show up. It's looking more like 70 right now.

That said I have a very old friend that I haven't seen a lot lately. She got back in contact with me before we were engaged, she's a huge flake too. I invited her to my engagement party (because she'd gone on and on about not wanting to miss my wedding events!) and she didn't even show up, she RSVP'd yes and totally flaked. My outlook during that time was anyone that we'd really expect to come that flaked on the party that didn't even bother to call or email even if we pinged them about it wasn't worth inviting. So I didn't invite her... I'd even emailed her after the fact and she was flakey about responding.

I wouldn't invite her, even moreso since you haven't hung out for over a year.

 

[purrfectpear]

Here is how I would decide.

A chance of fate brought you together through her. Without that perhaps there would be no wedding, right?

Let fate decide once more. Flip a coin. If she''s meant to be invited fate will intervene

 

[ladyciel]

FI and I have somebody similar, though she isn''t so much a flake as just somebody we met through. She and I met looking for roommates, and we did in fact share an apartment for a little less than a year. Not the super close hang out all the time kind of roommates, but we did throw a Christmas party together which is how I met FI. We only ever see her at group outings where we''ve all been invited by other people we mutually know, but other than that we have zero contact. Part of me said hey, we only met because of her, she WAS my roommate, maybe we should invite her. The rest of me, and all of FI, said "why? we don''t OWE her an invite, we aren''t close to her, and neither of us will miss her if she isn''t there". So, she isn''t invited. Other people we mutually know are being invited, but we''re much closer with them.

I''d say invite her if you actually WANT her to be there. If not, leave her off the list and don''t worry too much about it. As for the flake factor, that''s a tough call. Would she have to fly since it sounds like it''s a destination wedding? If so, you might be able to feel out whether she''s ACTUALLY coming by asking if she''s booked her flight (assuming she RSVPs yes) close to the wedding. If she has, then she''ll be financially invested in going. If she hasn''t...it''s pretty clear what''s going to happen.

 

[Sabine]

I like purrfectpear''s idea! Another way to decide without having to actually decide it to look at the rest of the guest list...is she friends with other people who are going to be attending? If yes, then invite her and enlist one of them to make sure she is coming if she rsvp''s yes. If no, don''t invite her.

 

[noelwr]

I wouldn''t invite her.

you''ve got enough other things to worry about.

 

[newbie124]

Thanks for everyone''s input!

I kind of like purrfectpear''s suggestion, too, of the coin toss. It''s actually kind of funny b/c we do resort to that every now and then b/c I can be so indecisive Also, funny enough, that''s how FI ended up in Chicago...he couldn''t decide between moving to DC or here, so he tossed a coin and that''s how he ended up here.

But, I think I also wouldn''t feel terribly bad now just not inviting her. She wouldn''t actually know any of the other friends we''re inviting, and she would have to fly out to the wedding. We like her as a person, but she''s just not very reliable. I''d be worried that even if we tried to call beforehand to find out if she did book a ticket, we wouldn''t hear from her, or maybe not get a direct answer. I could be underestimating her, but past experience has sort of taught us to be skeptical.

Regarding our guest estimate, there are some people that we''re inviting that we know won''t likely be able to make it for health reasons, so we''ll definitely have fewer than what we end up inviting. But yeah, it could be anywhere from 60-75 or so. I''m really curious to see how it turns out.