Wedding should i keep or should i throw away?

[mimzy]

i've been going through my closets trying to make room for stefan and i finally decided to bite the bullet the put all the loose photos (hundreds) into albums so that i can put them on a bookshelf and have them stop taking up room.

going through the photos i realized that >70% of them from high school have my high school boyfriend in them. we dated for three years (broke up when i got to college) and i have very fond memories of him - no negative connotations or anything like that, it just was NOT meant to be. i'll be honest and say that i do get a little sad looking at them, not because i miss him but just because i know that he's not doing that great currently.

well stefan and i always said that when we got engaged that we would have a bonfire burning party for all our stuff that reminded of us our exs (dramatic, right?)and right now it's scheduled for august. He had a serious ex for about four years that every now and then something will pop up around his house of hers/from her and i've had two that i have things from that just got packed away when i moved, so we have a decent amount of stuff to get rid of. stefan insists that all the pictures should go into the fire too. at first i agreed and thought nothing of it, because i really have no interest in holding on to stuff. but now that i've realized just how much i would be throwing away i'm a little more hesitant.

my reason for wanting to hold on to them has nothing to do with the fact that he is in the picture and everything to do with the fact that it's all i have from high school! (which was five/six years ago). all my school dances, famiy parties, etc. stefan thinks that since they have the potential to invoke nostalgia (which i admit i am prone to in general) that they should go. i have no trouble at all throwing away cards or things like that, but i feel a little weird getting rid of all the pictures just because he's in them.

DISCLAIMER: this hasn't been an issue that we've fought about or that's caused tension, stefan isn't trying to be controlling or being jealous, i'm not hanging onto them because i enjoy reminiscing about my ex, and if stefan voices that it sincerely bothers him later on then i will toss them no questions asked (up till now it's been "well what do you think you should do?" type discussions).

what do you girls think? anyone else been in this situation?

 

[vintagelover229]

I think you should pick out a few that your really fond of and keep them. It''s unfair that you have to throw away all of your HS memories because your ex was in them. Even if you threw them away they would still be there, so it''s not like you''d be removing them. I''d explain it to your FH just like you did to us...maybe he''ll understand.

 

[robbie3982]

I don''t throw away pictures. When I moved in with DH (before we were engaged) we both threw away all of the little mementos from previous relationships, but not pictures. DH had a box of love letters from an ex tucked away in the back corner of his closet and I had some stuff that I can''t even remember. I can see throwing things away that are soley about the relationship (ticket stubs, stuffed animals, etc), but I just can''t bring myself to get rid of pictures.

 

[Octavia]

I''ve thrown away a lot of pictures of just my HS ex and me. But group photos and ones that remind me of particularly special times (like graduation) will stay around. I think that''s a pretty good compromise.

 

[musey]

Haha mimzy, I like your disclaimer! It's kinda silly how necessary that seems to be, people misinterpret/read between the lines so much sometimes!

Date: 7/8/2008 9:34:44 PM
Author: robbie3982
I don't throw away pictures. When I moved in with DH (before we were engaged) we both threw away all of the little mementos from previous relationships, but not pictures. DH had a box of love letters from an ex tucked away in the back corner of his closet and I had some stuff that I can't even remember. I can see throwing things away that are soley about the relationship (ticket stubs, stuffed animals, etc), but I just can't bring myself to get rid of pictures.

I'm in with Robbie on this one... especially if most of the pictures aren't just the two of you self-portrait-ing. If there are other friends in it, or it's a picture taken at an event, keep it.

But yeah, mementos like stuffed animals and love letters, trashy trasherton!

 

[FacetFire]

I tend to have thrown away pics that are "relationship-y" or just an ex and me. But I have kept a lot of the group photos that have all my HS friends and my HS BF in them. They don''t bother DH. But then again, I don''t really have them displayed or anything, just in a drawer.

 

[iheartscience]

I don''t see the need to get rid of all your high school photos, or even photos of your ex. It was high school for crying out loud-I''m sure you''re not really craving those days and that relationship! I have boxes of pictures and notes, gifts, etc. from my exes...I don''t even look at them (I can''t even remember the last time I looked at any of it, actually) but I save a lot of stuff that has sentimental value, and that''s included in that bunch.

I wouldn''t get rid of them, personally. You shouldn''t have to erase your high school experience because of a dramatic pact. Just tell him you''re not going to burn all those photos because they''re your high school memories. I''m sure he''ll understand since he''s not controlling.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 7/8/2008 9:57:47 PM
Author: FacetFire
I tend to have thrown away pics that are ''relationship-y'' or just an ex and me. But I have kept a lot of the group photos that have all my HS friends and my HS BF in them. They don''t bother DH. But then again, I don''t really have them displayed or anything, just in a drawer.

Ditto. If they are just the two of you, ditch em. If they are group photos and you think fondly of the other people in the picture/moment, keep them!

 

[Sabine]

I think you should keep them. It''s a valid documentation of your life at that time. When you have kids, could you ever see yourself telling them about your hs boyfriend? They might like to see them. Maybe don''t keep them all if that would help. Mine are all in storage with all my other hs momentos like yearbooks, so I don''t look through them or anything, but I like having them.

 

[mimzy]

i think that might end up being our compromise - keeping group photos, ditching the ''relationshipy'' ones. unfortunately, i wasn''t exactly a social butterfly and i didn''t have many friends...so any group shots are of people i really don''t have many fond memories of (and are all really far away)! he was pretty much my only friend. maybe i''ll keep one of the two of us at each event or something like that if it doesn''t bother him too much (i''m sure he''ll telll me it''s okay if i reeaallly want to, but i''m not sure its worth it, you know?). i just feel so mean throwing them away!

 

[KimberlyH]

I have a box filled with momentos, it includes pictures, cards, love letters, etc. from friends, family and boyfriends through the years, and I didn''t throw anything out when we got married. It''s my box of memories, I look at it once a year or so and it makes me smile. DH knows what''s in it, we''ve gone through it together (and laughed quite a bit, especially at the letter from a boy who asked me to be his girlfriend, but wanted me to say yes not because he was homeless but because I really liked him; yup, you read it right, he was told to stop doing drugs or move out and he opted to move out. This was his Ode To Kimi, the only one I''ve ever recieved from him or any man, while living with a good friend of mine, who is female, and her family).

I don''t think there''s any reason to get rid of the pictures. It''s not like you''re framing a photo of you and your ex and putting it on the mantel, it''s a collection of your HS memories, not a shrine to your ex-boyfriend, and getting rid of them makes you sad because they''re representative of a large part of your life up to this point in time.

 

[VRBeauty]

Two considerations:
1) the joint promise you and your DF made, and
2) the meaning, if any, you attach to the photos.

Your agreement was to discard reminders of past loves, not past lives. In other words, it seems like you should be able to retain some reminders of your past, especially group photos (that happen to include an ex). But I think your EX-BF is part of your past life, so holding on to one or two photos of past ex should be ok even if it isn''t a group shot -- assuming, of course, you allow your DF the same leeway AND neither of you is concerned about lingering feelings for exes.

As to any photos you decide are too much to keep... perhaps you coud return them to the ex or his mother? They''re part of his past too, and someone might appreciate them.

 

[noelwr]

I first of all don''t understand why you needed an agreement for a bonfire? usually you come up with these things if you are not comfortable with talking about/seeing things about his/her ex. and if this does make you uncomfortable, I''d have to ask if there isn''t really a deeper problem?

a bonfire isn''t going to erase the time that person had with his/her ex. 4 years is a long time and no matter what you do, that relationship had to do with shaping him into the person he is today. and for you, maybe it was just a high school boyfriend, but it sounds like you are fond of the memories (as you should be as they were your teen years). I think it''s better to learn to accept that people had a past and the memories are important so that you can appreciate each other even more now.

Imagine marrying someone who has already been married once and had children and asking him to burn his wedding pictures and any photos of his family with his ex-wife in it. it''s like you''re saying that you''re not willing to accept that part of his life. (actually this is more directed to your FI than to you.)

anyway, to avoid going into a whole argument with your FI, I would just stick all your high school photos into albums and put them away on a shelf for you to look at when you''re alone. what are the chances he is going to go through it? if he does just to check up on you, then there are issues you guys need to discuss sooner rather than later.

DON''T seek to return the photos to your ex because then you''re really going out of your way to disrespect Stefan.

 

[mimzy]

thanks for all your feedback girls!

noelwr - it''s true that we came up with the idea because we weren''t comfortable hanging on to the stuff. i didn''t really want to see cards from her when shifting through his stuff nor did i want to see cards from my exs when going through my own, and he felt the same way. so, right or wrong, we were uncomfortable with it. obviously it isn''t going to erase the time spent, but we wanted to go into married life as free from past attachments as possible. i have a lot of guilt from past relationships and stefan never reconciled as friends with his ex so we both have things that need to be dealt with, and this is our way of getting closure (closure that we have actively been working on for the past few months). as for other deeper issues, it''s true that i do get insecure and jealous, but that''s no secret to him and i myself know it''s totally irrational and i don''t *actually* believe in those feelings and that''s not the reason we decided to get rid of the stuff to begin with. also, thanks for the suggestion, but i really wouldn''t feel comfortable putting them in albums then pretending like i got rid of them, that just seems sneaky and i don''t want to have anything to hide. besides....wouldn''t that justify his ''need to check up on me''?

MINIMS - i thought about returning them to him, but we''ve had sort of a tremultuous relationship since we broke up (mostly him continuing to try to get back together, me nicely declining). the day i told him that i got engaged he drove over (a couple hours) to return some things that i had give him, which i refused. i haven''t heard from him since (not answering emails or calls) so i''m assuming that he really wants nothing to do with me anymore and i think that trying to send things would almost be like a slap in the face as i know that he had a difficult time getting over the relationship

and his mom hate me now, so i dont'' think she''d appreciate it!

kimberlyh- you''re right, it''s not a shrine or anything like that. i don''t think that he really relates to my situation because he really hated his ex after they broke up, so he voluntarily got rid of all the pictures of her then (that he found), whereas i didn''t have that experience. that''s great that your DH is so understanding and that you can go through it together! that must be fun.

 

[bee*]

I''d keep the photos-I never throw out photos. I think that they''re nice to have and to look back on every once in a while!

 

[robbie3982]

Date: 7/8/2008 10:57:32 PM
Author: mimzy
i think that might end up being our compromise - keeping group photos, ditching the ''relationshipy'' ones. unfortunately, i wasn''t exactly a social butterfly and i didn''t have many friends...so any group shots are of people i really don''t have many fond memories of (and are all really far away)! he was pretty much my only friend. maybe i''ll keep one of the two of us at each event or something like that if it doesn''t bother him too much (i''m sure he''ll telll me it''s okay if i reeaallly want to, but i''m not sure its worth it, you know?). i just feel so mean throwing them away!

I feel you on this one! I just remembered that I do actually have one stuffed animal that I didn''t throw away. My ex made it for me (build a bear type thing) in college. We dated for all of college and broke up the summer after our last year. When we were packing up to move home I gave him back some things he''d given me, the bear included (not sure why. I definitely wasn''t trying to be mean.). The next morning the bear was outside my door with a note in its sleeve. I forget what it said exactly, but it was something along the lines of "I had a lot of fun with you the night that we made this and I know you did too. I hope that you''ll keep this to remember that." I felt guilty for giving it back and felt way too guilty to throw it out so it got packed and eventually unpacked into my closet at my parents house. When I moved out of their house I went through my closet and started to put it in a bag to donate, but I found the note again (I''d put it back in the sleeve and forgotten about it) and felt guilty all over again so 3 years later it''s still in my old closet at my parents house and probably will be until they get rid of it.

 

[Pandora II]

My brother, sisters and I had loads of fun going through my parents ''before we were married'' boxes when they were doing a sort out last year.

We all had a good laugh at pictures of their ex bfs and gfs and reading the love letters. I even translated one from an Italian boyfriend of my mother''s when she was 18 that she had never been able to read!

We then googled them all to see what they were doing now.

I would keep everything, you''ll enjoy them when you are 80!

 

[doodle]

my FI and i had to figure this out, too, and since his ex happens to be an ex-WIFE/mother of his child, and my ex is still my very best friend on earth, it was tricky!! we did like many others on here mentioned and got rid of anything that was specifically relationshippy, but kept anything that would''ve been sentimental whether the ex was attached to it or not (ie HS prom pix, group pix with friends, family gatherings, etc. we kept). also, we kept items that have NO sentimental value but are useful (i have my ex''s hairdryer, haha, and FI had pots, pans, etc. from when he was married). ultimately, i wouldn''t destroy ALL of the old pix, but i also doubt your FI wants to one day stumble on a pic of you and your ex kissing or something, so filtering through them could be a good thing.

 

[Fancy605]

I agree with those who said toss most of the couple-y photos. I always initially feel mean throwing out things, but afterwards, it feels very cleansing to have decluttered. You could always start with the ones you don''t particularly like of yourself. Then it''s not as if you''re saying, "eww, here''s a picture of my ex. I''ll be mean and toss it." Instead it''s more like, "eww, here''s a gross photo of myself. No one ever needs to see this!" or, "eww, what was I thinking when I wore that?"

 

[Gwyn]

Date: 7/9/2008 11:07:30 AM
Author: robbie3982

I feel you on this one! I just remembered that I do actually have one stuffed animal that I didn''t throw away. My ex made it for me (build a bear type thing) in college. We dated for all of college and broke up the summer after our last year. When we were packing up to move home I gave him back some things he''d given me, the bear included (not sure why. I definitely wasn''t trying to be mean.). The next morning the bear was outside my door with a note in its sleeve. I forget what it said exactly, but it was something along the lines of ''I had a lot of fun with you the night that we made this and I know you did too. I hope that you''ll keep this to remember that.'' I felt guilty for giving it back and felt way too guilty to throw it out so it got packed and eventually unpacked into my closet at my parents house. When I moved out of their house I went through my closet and started to put it in a bag to donate, but I found the note again (I''d put it back in the sleeve and forgotten about it) and felt guilty all over again so 3 years later it''s still in my old closet at my parents house and probably will be until they get rid of it.

Aw, I feel ya. When I moved out of the apartment my boyfriend of 5 years and I shared, I left almost all of the pictures of us and the build a bear we made on our 3rd year aniversary. I could hear in his voice how upset he was when he called and "casually mentioned" how I had left all of "our" stuff behind.

I do however still have the bigg stuffed cow he gave me on our one month aniversary way back in our first year of college. That thing was my pillow through out college and I dont think it has left any bed I owned since. I dont have the heart to throw it away. Currently it resides in the home office. FI isnt too fond of it so it got booted from the bedroom. but he doesnt see any reason i should get rid of it either

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 7/9/2008 8:31:13 AM
Author: mimzy

kimberlyh- you''re right, it''s not a shrine or anything like that. i don''t think that he really relates to my situation because he really hated his ex after they broke up, so he voluntarily got rid of all the pictures of her then (that he found), whereas i didn''t have that experience. that''s great that your DH is so understanding and that you can go through it together! that must be fun.

It''s just a different perspecitve, Mimz. My DH is glad I''ve had those experiences because they''ve had a huge influence on who I am, and all of my past relationships make me appreciate DH in a way I might not had they not happened. On my end, I just don''t care, I''m strange that way (DH had a girlfriend who was also a tenant in a home he owns from the time we started dating until after we were married, and she only left very recently due to a job transfer, it''s never bothered me, in fact I rather like the woman although I feel a bit sorry for her as she''s very sheltered and fearlful of life).

Perhaps you could remind your FI that this isn''t about your ex, it''s about your formative years and they are meaningful and you''re not comfortable getting rid of the pictures. If I were you I''d take it a step further and re-evaluate the whole bonfire thing. You both really may want to reminisce about the fond memories one day in the far off future and regret that you decided to burn all that is left of what happened before you met your future husband/wife.

 

[gtn]

why not scan all of the photos. You could keep a few of the picture and all negatives and then burn the rest? These aren''t pictures of your romantic vacation to hawaii together, they are pictures of your formative years.

I think it would be sad to totally destroy your memories.