Home Share your holiday family gathering "strategies"

[zhuzhu]

OK, so it is the time of the year where most of us will spend a good amount of time visiting with in laws and what have you. We for one will spend time with them in early December and I am NERVOUS.

For my specific case, my MIL is exceptionally critical of all things. More specifically, she loves to give unsolicited advices to me on how to "run my house". Last time when she visited us she had problem with our cats scratching the screen door, with my converting one guest room to my study, and my insistence on keeping one guest room carpeted. I had to bite my tongue like you would not believe....

Given the upcoming visit, I would love to hear and learn from your tips and strategies to "survive the holiday gatherings". Please share! Thanks!

 

[cellososweet]

It''s never right to be critical of others. If it turns from being critical about what you do and turns into being critical about who you are, then it''s time for you to draw a major line. As for this type of criticism, I think your husband should say something to her if it''s really that uncomfortable for you.

Or, if you must spend time with them, I''d suggest that you find a hotel so that you are "not imposing upon them" (also known as saving your sanity).

My in-laws are horrid and our solution is to pick and chose when we spend time with them and the amount of time we spend. Having things on our terms makes it a lot better. We also have a look that we give eachother when enough is enough. Once the look is given, we leave. I hope it''s not that bad for you.

Good luck.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

How long are you staying/spending with your inlaws? One thing I''ve learned over the years is just because you''re visiting and/or having guests over doesn''t mean you have to spend every second with them. When we see family or they visit, I do take time out for myself to decompres by hiding in the guest room or leaving to the hotel. I wish I could provide a better solution to dealing with the negative comments, but as I''ve posted in other threads, I''ve endured them for many years and haven''t come up with a solution other than walking away from a person when/if they''re rude. It''s better to stand by yourself in a room full of people than be stuck being attacked for something another person doesn''t agree with.

 

[iluvcarats]

In situations like this, I do all of the busy work. The dishes, clearing, cooking - whatever I can to limit contact and conversation. And I make sure not to engage in any of the negative comments. (It''s hard) I''m keeping my fingers crossed for you.

 

[zhuzhu]

Thanks! and you are all so nice!
In my head often I wonder what "would you please back off" would do to shut her up?

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Poor you! It gets really waring after a while, doesn''t it? If it''s any help, I often find the anticipation of the annoyance to be the worst part.

"Would you please back off, you''re making me unhappy" maybe isn''t a bad line to use if you really can''t handle another critical comment.

Up to that point, ignore, ignore, ignore. Change the subject, maybe? "Oh, you still have a carpet in your guest room?" - "Yes, I really like it, would you pass me that plate / book / cup etc please? Now, what shall we have for lunch..."

 

[megumic]

lots of wine! and excuses to step out of the room or house to take care of other things. "Oh, we''re out of salt? Oh shoot! I''ll go get it!" and then take an hour trip to the grocery store...LOL. Meanwhile it''s hidden in the back of the cabinet

 

[Pandora II]

Gin!

Seriously!

My grandmothers both drive my mother crazy - especially her own mother who is the critical ***** from hell. So, the rule is that from when they arrive till when they leave to keep them suitably tanked up. Does wonders for their tempers.

 

[anchor31]

Maybe your DH can take them on outings so you can have some quiet time in the house? In any case, I really think he should tell his mother off the criticizing. It doesn''t have to be harsh or anything, just "Mom, I know you mean well, but when you criticize our home, it really hurts our feelings".

As for us, our strategy this year is total avoidance. We usually can''t do that, but the baby is due on December 30th so I could go into labour pretty much anytime during the holidays... So we told everyone to do their thing and we''ll see what happens, no commitments. I feel pretty good about nobody expecting us to visit or entertain!

It''s such a shame that a joyful time like the holidays can be tainted by unpleasant family members. Good luck!

 

[zhuzhu]

Thanks for sharing!
Yes holiday should be about celebration... I think I will just drink myself happy and let DH do the driving...

 

[MonkeyPie]

I''m sorry so many of you have awful IL''s

This makes me really love mine more.

 

[fleur-de-lis]

Date: 11/21/2009 8:53:03 PM
Author:zhuzhu
OK, so it is the time of the year where most of us will spend a good amount of time visiting with in laws and what have you. We for one will spend time with them in early December and I am NERVOUS.


For my specific case, my MIL is exceptionally critical of all things. More specifically, she loves to give unsolicited advices to me on how to ''run my house''. Last time when she visited us she had problem with our cats scratching the screen door, with my converting one guest room to my study, and my insistence on keeping one guest room carpeted. I had to bite my tongue like you would not believe....


Given the upcoming visit, I would love to hear and learn from your tips and strategies to ''survive the holiday gatherings''. Please share! Thanks!

Hi Zhuzhu! No problem on helping you formulate a strategy for coping with that dear, dear MIL of yours.

It would help to have the likely parameters of the visit. Will she be coming to visit you or will you be going to visit her? Will you be sleeping under the same roof? For how many days/nights is the interaction expected to be?

On a related question, what level of defense/running of interference does your husband do *for you* with *his* mother, and what level of defense are you expected to do for yourself? Or does he do nothing/ignore and expect you to do nothing/ignore? Does he do nothing yet expect you to stand up for you both? What is the current dynamic involving your husband in this matter?

(FWIW, of course it''s pretty obvious to an outsider that a guest who has both opinions and the mindset to make negative judgment on how a host sets up her own house is not a pleasant, likeable, and welcome person to invite into one''s inner sanctum. Geez. I fortunately have a FMIL who is not judgmental and typically pretty easy to be around, but I have friends who have MILs like yours and it''s just so darn unfair and draining for my friends. You have my sympathies, Zhuzhu.)