Wedding Seriously...who wants a stinking flutist anyway?!

[Puppmom]

Let me preface this by saying I think my FMIL is one of the nicest people I''ve ever met but this wedding business has got her bonkers. A few months ago, she asked us if we wanted a harpist for the ceremony. We said NO. We''re not hiring any vendors for music. We''ve rented speakers and have a song list ready to go on the laptop. We''re having a low key, backyard reception and want to keep it minimal. She asked again and again and again. Finally, out of guilt (and against our better judgment), we decided to agree to it. The second we agreed she chimed "Oh, great. I already booked her. She lives close by and I have heard wonderful things...blah blah blah". She asked us early on what music we wanted her to play...again I didn''t WANT a harpist and I don''t know what the harpist should play. We told FMIL she could pick the music. Fast forward to today (TWO WEEKS BEFORE OUR WEDDING!)...I get an email - "Since you guys said you don''t really care about the music, I made the decision to add a flutist." What?!?! Clearly she mistook "the stinking harpist can play what she wants because we didn''t want a harpist in the first place and wouldn''t know the first thing about choosing songs for one" for "go ahead. make decisions without asking us. hire other vendors. really, it''s no problem."

So I''m annoyed and really want to tell her she can take the harpist AND the flutist and tell them to shove it! But that wouldn''t be nice So I tell FI he needs to tell his mom NO MORE MAKING DECISIONS WITHOUT ASKING (this isn''t the first). FI says "So do you want me to tell her no flute?"

Am I overreacting here? Did I give the thumbs up on making decisions without us inadvertently when I said I didn''t care what the harpist played? This woman can quote Emily Post etiquette verbatim yet she doesn''t know it''s not appropriate to make wedding day decisions without asking the bride and groom??

 

[crystalheart1]

I see you side,, it is YOUR wedding.... but I would LOVE for my MIL to do anything at all to contibute/help out with my wedding.

We probably have different taste, but if I could afford it I would do a Harpist for my ceremony and cocktail hour.

It might not be as bad as you think...hopefully

 

[Shoopy]

Date: 9/5/2008 5:59:57 PM
Author:roseg
Let me preface this by saying I think my FMIL is one of the nicest people I''ve ever met but this wedding business has got her bonkers. A few months ago, she asked us if we wanted a harpist for the ceremony. We said NO. We''re not hiring any vendors for music. We''ve rented speakers and have a song list ready to go on the laptop. We''re having a low key, backyard reception and want to keep it minimal. She asked again and again and again. Finally, out of guilt (and against our better judgment), we decided to agree to it. The second we agreed she chimed ''Oh, great. I already booked her. She lives close by and I have heard wonderful things...blah blah blah''. She asked us early on what music we wanted her to play...again I didn''t WANT a harpist and I don''t know what the harpist should play. We told FMIL she could pick the music. Fast forward to today (TWO WEEKS BEFORE OUR WEDDING!)...I get an email - ''Since you guys said you don''t really care about the music, I made the decision to add a flutist.'' What?!?! Clearly she mistook ''the stinking harpist can play what she wants because we didn''t want a harpist in the first place and wouldn''t know the first thing about choosing songs for one'' for ''go ahead. make decisions without asking us. hire other vendors. really, it''s no problem.''

So I''m annoyed and really want to tell her she can take the harpist AND the flutist and tell them to shove it! But that wouldn''t be nice So I tell FI he needs to tell his mom NO MORE MAKING DECISIONS WITHOUT ASKING (this isn''t the first). FI says ''So do you want me to tell her no flute?''

Am I overreacting here? Did I give the thumbs up on making decisions without us inadvertently when I said I didn''t care what the harpist played? This woman can quote Emily Post etiquette verbatim yet she doesn''t know it''s not appropriate to make wedding day decisions without asking the bride and groom??

Depends on who''s paying.

 

[Puppmom]

Did I mention I have PMS? You could probably tell from the tone of my post

FMIL is paying for both the harpist and the flutist. I would have flames coming from my ears if she thought we would be paying for her!

 

[swingirl]

I assume she''s paying for it. I love live music played by musicians for any event. You probably aren''t familiar with classical music and that''s why it doesn''t appeal to you. My guess is some of your guests will enjoy it. Just make sure you have a say in how long they play--what time they start and when they stop. And if during your reception it gets really annoying ask them to take a long break. Of course, they would only play for the pre-dinner time like when guests are arriving. Then you can boogie to the laptop once they are done.

 

[Shoopy]

Date: 9/5/2008 6:19:48 PM
Author: roseg
Did I mention I have PMS? You could probably tell from the tone of my post

FMIL is paying for both the harpist and the flutist. I would have flames coming from my ears if she thought we would be paying for her!

Is she paying for the wedding in general?

The way I see it is this:

If I''m paying for the wedding, I wouldn''t care if she paid for the harpist and flutist. If its not my taste, its not my taste even if it is a gift. I would probably suck it up cause it does sound lovely (we''re looking for a trio band for our ceremony) and cause she''s paying for it.

If his family is paying for a large portion of the wedding, well then there''s not much you can do but politely say no and then be prepared when she does it anyway LOL

 

[marchswallowbird]

I would LOVE to have somebody pick up the tab for a harpist and a flutist at my wedding, not to mention figuring out who to hire and taking care of all the booking arrangements.

However, your point is that your FMIL is making decisions on her own about your wedding without consulting you. While I don''t think that''s right, it''s not like she''s changed the venue on you or decided who the officiant will be. I wouldn''t stress out about it.

 

[Puppmom]

Thanks everyone for your input. FI''s parents are paying for about a third of the wedding and gave us the cash up front (opened a bank account in our names and deposited cash) which was SO nice because we could use it how we wanted. I think I''m just a little resentful because I didn''t want the harpist in the first place and probably shouldn''t have caved.

I''m just really stressed because the wedding is two weeks away (and did I mention the PMS?

) and I''ve done a lot of the planning with her. Since she''s not my mom I can''t be blunt like I would with my own so I''ve sucked up a lot and I think this was just the thing that pushed me to this level of frustration.

To complicate matters - the wedding is at HER house, FI is her only son, and her two other children probably won''t be getting married at all. Relatively speaking, this could have been way worse and she''s probably held back some.

FI says I''m annoyed because I need to be the boss

I''ll be glad when this is over!

 

[marchswallowbird]

Have some wine, snuggle with FI and have one completely ''wedding free" evening this weekend. All will be well.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

I think even if the FMIL is paying for it, she should not have added a flutist, knowing that you didn''t even want a harpist. It was very weird of her to book a harpist when you had said no several times. What if you had never caved? Would she have ever cancelled the harpist, or just let them show up?

Anyways, I don''t think you should stress about it, but I also don''t think you are wrong for being aggravated. It really doesn''t matter whether she is paying for them or not. You didn''t want them, and they are very different from the style of wedding that you were going for. I have a friend with a very nice MIL. However, during the wedding planning process, her FMIL kept wanting to upgrade stuff and would just say, "oh I''ll pay for that." It actually started to be somewhat insulting. Here she had picked out altar arrangements that were within her budget, and the FMIL would want to upgrade and just throw money at it to get it to her standard. The FMIL didn''t think the donation favors chosen by the bride were enough, so she wanted to buy extra favors herself. Every decision was like that. Of course it''s not the worst problem in the world to have, but it can be very annoying to have your FI''s mother constantly questioning your choices and putting money down to get her way.