Seriously? In some states rapists have parental rights?

[Rockinruby]

I wonder, are you capable of being kind and caring in this topic??

_______________________________________

Before responding, get to know me through my posts.

I was the victim of a funny uncle.

Yes, you have told us many times. I'm sorry for your experience.

I lived through a violent rape that almost killed me. After 20+ years of not seeing him, I had to sit in the same room with my rapist just this week. I will have to do this many times this year. I'm in a very tender place.

I wonder...do you see that many women could be hurting?

You have been asked for empathy and compassion so many times regarding this subject. You haven't given it. Why?

Housecat, I'm sorry that you are forced to go through this experience. I just wanted to send you extra strength and courage to face such a difficult situation. Big hugs coming your way!

 

[sstephensid]

I have no idea what music has to do with the election of the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. I guess if someone is "allowed" to say bad things in songs so should our president? I think it is time to block people for the sake of my blood pressure. I can't decide if people are messing with us on purpose or if they really feel this way.

 

[azstonie]

I wonder, are you capable of being kind and caring in this topic??

_______________________________________

Before responding, get to know me through my posts.

I was the victim of a funny uncle.

Ruby. I *do* know your posts specifically that you were a "victim" of your uncle and that although you shared that here on PS you feel you received no compassion or support. I did not respond then but since you've brought it up again, I'm going to point out what you are missing: "Funny" uncle. What exactly is a " funny" uncle?

Others here have been specific (raped, sexually assaulted, molested) with what happened to them, thus they receive specific and direct responses. I have no idea what to say to "funny uncle" and I would not want to respond in a way that would add to a burden. One of the downsides of being vague is that you get vague back in response even though it's not for lack of compassion here.

I came out in that thread you refer to as having been raped during my freshman year of college. What that experience results in for my outlook on life is that I despise controllers and bullies and its a complete deal-breaker for me if someone is a rapist or sexually assaults others. I don't apologize for this, I have specific standards that aren't negotiable.

You can sprinkle powdered sugar on a turd, that doesn't make it a donut. Donald Trump and and his kind (Cosby, Roger Ailes, Clarence Thomas) have had the powdered sugar of money and power and it didn't change for 1 minute who they are.

 

[lovedogs]

I have no idea what music has to do with the election of the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. I guess if someone is "allowed" to say bad things in songs so should our president? I think it is time to block people for the sake of my blood pressure. I can't decide if people are messing with us on purpose or if they really feel this way.

Exactly. At yet same people were confused and outraged when I said their behavior was "troll-like". What they are writing pretty much exactly fits that label.

 

[kenny]

You can sprinkle powdered sugar on a turd, that doesn't make it a donut.

That's some excellent writing!

 

[Calliecake]

I wonder, are you capable of being kind and caring in this topic??

_______________________________________

Before responding, get to know me through my posts.

I was the victim of a funny uncle.

Yes, you have told us many times. I'm sorry for your experience.

I lived through a violent rape that almost killed me. After 20+ years of not seeing him, I had to sit in the same room with my rapist just this week. I will have to do this many times this year. I'm in a very tender place.

I wonder...do you see that many women could be hurting?

You have been asked for empathy and compassion so many times regarding this subject. You haven't given it. Why?

House Cat, I'm so sorry. I can imagine how hurt and angry you are feeling and how difficult these past weeks have been for you. Are you holding up okay? Honey what you are going thru is traumatic. I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do to help you?

 

[kenny]

Exactly. At yet same people were confused and outraged when I said their behavior was "troll-like". What they are writing pretty much exactly fits that label.

If you feel someone here exhibits troll-like behavior (or you're just through reading his/her posts for whatever reason) then Pricescope's ignore function is your friend.
It has the unfortunate name, "Friends & foes".

Click on"'Welcome, kenny", replacing my screen name with yours.



Next, click on "Friends & Foes".



Next, scroll down to the Foes section and type the offender's screen name into the "Add new foes:" box.
Then scroll down and click on 'Submit".

 

[Calliecake]

Ruby, Can you please post quotes the way everyone else does in this thread? It is difficult to figure out who you are responding to.

 

[kenny]

Ruby, Can you please post quotes the way everyone else does in this thread? It is difficult to figure out who you are responding to.

This has been requested many times.
She'll comply a few times but then revert back to what annoys so many here.

Calliecake , have you heard about PS's 'Friends & Foes' function?

 

[Calliecake]

Kenny, Thank you for the much needed reality check!

 

[Kaleigh]

I have shared that I was abused sexually by my father. I am a survivor.

If a funny Uncle violated you, seek help. It's never too late..

I don't appreciate your tone. I have read your posts...

I will step back and hope for the best....

 

[monarch64]

I have no idea what music has to do with the election of the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. I guess if someone is "allowed" to say bad things in songs so should our president? I think it is time to block people for the sake of my blood pressure. I can't decide if people are messing with us on purpose or if they really feel this way.

Exactly. At yet same people were confused and outraged when I said their behavior was "troll-like". What they are writing pretty much exactly fits that label.

Hurt people hurt people. I suspect the trollish behavior comes from a place of intense pain, suffering, and fear, and manifests as bitter, cynical, and hateful attitudes towards others. The very weaknesses they loathe in others are usually the same things they see in themselves. I have come to feel pity, rather than disgust, at this point. I have been through some terrible stuff myself, and made the choice (oh, those wonderful bootstraps! ) to promote positivity and compassion rather than perpetuate misery and hate. With regard to that statement, I also empathize with people like Ruby and Ada, because I have felt that intense pain and gotten through it. Those women are obviously still suffering the after-effects of what someone else did to them and all the damage that was done to their psyches.

 

[azstonie]

I wonder, are you capable of being kind and caring in this topic??

_______________________________________

Before responding, get to know me through my posts.

I was the victim of a funny uncle.

Yes, you have told us many times. I'm sorry for your experience.

I lived through a violent rape that almost killed me. After 20+ years of not seeing him, I had to sit in the same room with my rapist just this week. I will have to do this many times this year. I'm in a very tender place.

I wonder...do you see that many women could be hurting?

You have been asked for empathy and compassion so many times regarding this subject. You haven't given it. Why?

Housecat, I am sorry to read of your having to be in the presence of the rapist and that you will have to do so many times. I wish we could be there to sit with you, take you to Starbucks before and after, whatever you need. I hope you will consider me there in spirit with you.

 

[Gypsy]

House cat, true offer. Anytime you need back up in there, I'll come out to you and go in there with you.

I thought I would have to do this once. At a mutual 'friends' wedding, where he was invited. He didn't show and I was so relieved.

I'm going to be honest. I don't think Ruby is capable of empathy, at least not on this subject. She may have had horrible experiences that color her actions, but she doesn't seem to understand how to put herself in any one else's shoes, even for a minute.

Plus it appears she has a persecution complex has she attacks others then cries "victim" when they turn around and face her.

Overall, I think Kenny has the best suggestion for those of you bothered by it.

Me, as sad as it sounds. I'm used to it. I have accepted rape culture is here. I have accepted that victims of rape, and woman in particular are to blame for it just as much if not more than men are. So it doesn't faze me.

Doesn't mean I don't point it out or fight against it. But some people are lost causes on this issue.

 

[LLJsmom]

I wonder, are you capable of being kind and caring in this topic??

_______________________________________

Before responding, get to know me through my posts.

I was the victim of a funny uncle.

Yes, you have told us many times. I'm sorry for your experience.

I lived through a violent rape that almost killed me. After 20+ years of not seeing him, I had to sit in the same room with my rapist just this week. I will have to do this many times this year. I'm in a very tender place.

I wonder...do you see that many women could be hurting?

You have been asked for empathy and compassion so many times regarding this subject. You haven't given it. Why?

HC, I am so very sorry. My heart hurts and I am angry for you. If you want to vent or anything, NIRDI thread is a safe place. I'm so sorry.

 

[azstonie]

You can sprinkle powdered sugar on a turd, that doesn't make it a donut.

That's some excellent writing!

Heehee, I try, Kenny

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I wonder, are you capable of being kind and caring in this topic??

_______________________________________

Before responding, get to know me through my posts.

I was the victim of a funny uncle.

Yes, you have told us many times. I'm sorry for your experience.

I lived through a violent rape that almost killed me. After 20+ years of not seeing him, I had to sit in the same room with my rapist just this week. I will have to do this many times this year. I'm in a very tender place.

I wonder...do you see that many women could be hurting?

You have been asked for empathy and compassion so many times regarding this subject. You haven't given it. Why?

I am so sorry...I hear about so much trauma in my line of work. It is frightening how much some people have survived. I hope you continue to heal from your wounds. You did not deserve what happened. Be gentle during this vulnerable time.

ETA: The hospital I work for specializes in PTSD therapy. It is amazing to see people get better and be able to heal. It is a very specialized treatment.

 

[lovedogs]

I wonder, are you capable of being kind and caring in this topic??

_______________________________________

Before responding, get to know me through my posts.

I was the victim of a funny uncle.

Yes, you have told us many times. I'm sorry for your experience.

I lived through a violent rape that almost killed me. After 20+ years of not seeing him, I had to sit in the same room with my rapist just this week. I will have to do this many times this year. I'm in a very tender place.

I wonder...do you see that many women could be hurting?

You have been asked for empathy and compassion so many times regarding this subject. You haven't given it. Why?

Housecat, I am sorry to read of your having to be in the presence of the rapist and that you will have to do so many times. I wish we could be there to sit with you, take you to Starbucks before and after, whatever you need. I hope you will consider me there in spirit with you.

HC: Let me add my voice to the chorus of support as well. We are there with you in spirit, even if not in person. And please let us know if we can do anything to make this easier for you. And if you are anywhere near Southern CA let me know--I'd love to buy you a coffee (or a drink! ) before or after. Or you could cuddle with my 2 dogs...I've found it immeasurably helpful for my own triggers/flashbacks, and they aren't "shy" about spreading their cuddles around!

 

[LLJsmom]

I wonder, are you capable of being kind and caring in this topic??

_______________________________________

Before responding, get to know me through my posts.

I was the victim of a funny uncle.

Yes, you have told us many times. I'm sorry for your experience.

I lived through a violent rape that almost killed me. After 20+ years of not seeing him, I had to sit in the same room with my rapist just this week. I will have to do this many times this year. I'm in a very tender place.

I wonder...do you see that many women could be hurting?

You have been asked for empathy and compassion so many times regarding this subject. You haven't given it. Why?

Housecat, I am sorry to read of your having to be in the presence of the rapist and that you will have to do so many times. I wish we could be there to sit with you, take you to Starbucks before and after, whatever you need. I hope you will consider me there in spirit with you.

HC: Let me add my voice to the chorus of support as well. We are there with you in spirit, even if not in person. And please let us know if we can do anything to make this easier for you. And if you are anywhere near Southern CA let me know--I'd love to buy you a coffee (or a drink! ) before or after. Or you could cuddle with my 2 dogs...I've found it immeasurably helpful for my own triggers/flashbacks, and they aren't "shy" about spreading their cuddles around!

HC: If you are in Northern CA, look me up. I'm daftrocker on Loupetroop. We'll go to Lang's.

 

[azstonie]

I wonder, are you capable of being kind and caring in this topic??

_______________________________________

Before responding, get to know me through my posts.

I was the victim of a funny uncle.

Yes, you have told us many times. I'm sorry for your experience.

I lived through a violent rape that almost killed me. After 20+ years of not seeing him, I had to sit in the same room with my rapist just this week. I will have to do this many times this year. I'm in a very tender place.

I wonder...do you see that many women could be hurting?

You have been asked for empathy and compassion so many times regarding this subject. You haven't given it. Why?

I am so sorry...I hear about so much trauma in my line of work. It is frightening how much some people have survived. I hope you continue to heal from your wounds. You did not deserve what happened. Be gentle during this vulnerable time.

ETA: The hospital I work for specializes in PTSD therapy. It is amazing to see people get better and be able to heal. It is a very specialized treatment.

WORD, Tacori, to PTSD for survivors. After the assault, I graduated from college and launched my career, went to grad school, and then I got walloped. I had everything I ever wanted but I was numb and then suicidal. Saw a counselor who saved my life, but over the years was misdiagnosed with anxiety, depression or both. Until I was correctly diagnosed with complex PTSD, my road back to good emotional health was blocked. I strongly recommend Pete Walker's book and website.

 

[missy]

I wonder, are you capable of being kind and caring in this topic??

_______________________________________

Before responding, get to know me through my posts.

I was the victim of a funny uncle.

Yes, you have told us many times. I'm sorry for your experience.

I lived through a violent rape that almost killed me. After 20+ years of not seeing him, I had to sit in the same room with my rapist just this week. I will have to do this many times this year. I'm in a very tender place.

I wonder...do you see that many women could be hurting?

You have been asked for empathy and compassion so many times regarding this subject. You haven't given it. Why?

HC, I am so very sorry. My heart hurts and I am angry for you. If you want to vent or anything, NIRDI thread is a safe place. I'm so sorry.

HouseCat I am so sorry about what you endured and continue to endure. And my heart goes out to you. And to all of you who have gone through this trauma.

 

[chrono]

I stayed out of this thread due to the shocking posts I've read, but came here anyway to share my support for what House Cat is going through.

House Cat,
Lean on me (us) in this great time of need. I (we) will always be here for you.

 

[Scandinavian]

I wonder, are you capable of being kind and caring in this topic??

_______________________________________

Before responding, get to know me through my posts.

I was the victim of a funny uncle.

Yes, you have told us many times. I'm sorry for your experience.

I lived through a violent rape that almost killed me. After 20+ years of not seeing him, I had to sit in the same room with my rapist just this week. I will have to do this many times this year. I'm in a very tender place.

I wonder...do you see that many women could be hurting?

You have been asked for empathy and compassion so many times regarding this subject. You haven't given it. Why?

I'm so sorry.

 

[Shondra]

Please no one take this the wrong way, but I have learnt in life that sometimes when something so atrocious happens to you, you should do your very best to put it behind you otherwise it will take over and rule your future. Keeping these thoughts and feelings alive by sharing them with the world and coming together in groups to discus them is not serving any of the victims at all or helping them to heal. Just my opinion.

 

[House Cat]

Thank you everyone. I feel your genuine support and it means the world to me. This experience has been so difficult for me that there are times I can't even verbalize how bad things really feel. I have destabilized because his face keeps shooting through my brain, over and over again...which then leads to flash back of the event. I had put this event to rest many years ago through therapy. I never thought I would be so vulnerable...

These events I have to attend, they are my son's extracurricular activities. He has several more this year. This activity, it isn't the type that he will drop or "get over." It is more the type of activity that is in one's blood. He is passionate. He says it will be his major in college. This means............ I have to keep doing this all through middle school and high school. My husband says we should move. I feel like a demon for wanting the same. My son loves his school and his friends. He's extremely sensitive and change is difficult for him. What if the move is such a negative thing for him that it changes him into a different person? On the other hand, I'm not sure I can see the rapist's face for the next eight years.

When the event was over...I grabbed the hand of my 23 year old son and practically ran out of the building. I was bumping into people. I just needed to get out of there. My son had no idea what was happening. He thought I was having a panic attack...I kind of was.

My psychiatrist told me to stay busy during the holiday season. He instructed me to make thanksgiving dinner. I wanted to go out to eat. The catch 22 in that is that I am medicated to the hilt. The meds aren't working. The muscles in my back, arms, and calves twitch and jump as if they are ready to run at any moment. My peripheral vision is so wide that it catches any shadow or movement and then my brain is confusing it for things running by. I saw my therapist yesterday, we are working on the trauma.

My husband is really supportive, which helps a LOT. I still carry a massive amount of shame. It is shifting from being ashamed about being raped to being ashamed for not reporting the rape. If only I would have reported, I wouldn't be dealing with this right now. Because my mind wants to rationalize WHY this is happening right now. WHY does he get to have a perfectly normal life with beautiful kids and I am here, suffering? WHY is the world working like this? This is why you report. So you don't see your attacker living a beautiful life, acting completely normal, while your insides are on fire, while you go home to your house and you are functioning at 50%, right before the holidays. There is where I feel shame.

I really feel overwhelmed by the support that all of you have given me. I admire all of you so much. Your support gives me strength, it really does. This community is full of so many caring people. I feel blessed to be here. Thank you again.

 

[LLJsmom]

HC, I am so sorry. This situation is so wrong. Words fail. We are here if you at any point want to just unload on your keyboard.

Is there a way maybe you can skip some of your son's events? My son loves soccer and I have skipped every game this season cause I don't like standing in the cold for an hour or two.

It is so terrible. I wish you could move. I understand about not wanted to uproot your son. But maybe your son would cope better than you would think. Kids are really resilient. If you can't move, I definitely think you should skip some activities. I am so sorry I have nothing better to offer. I am so glad you are still getting help with this. Hugs to you HC. Please reach out to us if you need anything, if nothing else a distraction too. I need help with some bling decisions in the NIRDI thread. That might get your head off it for 30 min. I'm so sorry HC.

 

[sstephensid]

I'm so sorry HC. You have no reason to feel shame. However, I know things are easier said than done. You are in my thoughts.

 

[Scandinavian]

House Cat, could it be possible to have your husband ask this person not to show up? If you have a melt down in front of his family and start screaming at him, they will find out why, and I'm sure that is not he wants either. Or tell your son (on some level without detail that he hurt you?) so that he will know why you are not comming? Or move. Or face him and scream at him and tell him all the horrible things you have been thinking and feeling these last 20+ years. Whatever works for you. This is not your fault! Please focus on you and be kind to yourself and do what is best for you! Tons of hugs!!

 

[azstonie]

I was a school band director for many many years and I confirm LLJs post that you can indeed skip the games or performances, without harming your son. Here's a thought: Attend the dress rehearsal or a practice instead, then take your son out for ice cream, pizza, etc.?

You are in a flashback, but you already know that. Please check out Pete Walker's website/his book on Amazon, gives you specific techniques for quickly and quietly handling the flashbacks.

I'm so glad your family is supporting you through this. Good thoughts to you.

 

[azstonie]

Housecat, I went to the website and copied these out; he does a lot of work with adults who suffered child abuse at the hands of their families, so you will read "child" here and there, just substitute the noun that makes sense for you. The numbers did not move over when I copied them, I'm sorry!

http://pete-walker.com/13StepsManageFlashbacks.htm

PETE WALKER'S 13 STEPS FOR MANAGING FLASHBACKS:

Say to yourself: "I am having a flashback". Flashbacks take us into a timeless part of the psyche that feels as helpless, hopeless and surrounded by danger as we were in childhood. The feelings and sensations you are experiencing are past memories that cannot hurt you now.
Remind yourself: "I feel afraid but I am not in danger! I am safe now, here in the present." Remember you are now in the safety of the present, far from the danger of the past.
Own your right/need to have boundaries. Remind yourself that you do not have to allow anyone to mistreat you; you are free to leave dangerous situations and protest unfair behavior.
Speak reassuringly to the Inner Child. The child needs to know that you love her unconditionally- that she can come to you for comfort and protection when she feels lost and scared.
Deconstruct eternity thinking: in childhood, fear and abandonment felt endless - a safer future was unimaginable. Remember the flashback will pass as it has many times before.
Remind yourself that you are in an adult body with allies, skills and resources to protect you that you never had as a child. [Feeling small and little is a sure sign of a flashback]
Ease back into your body. Fear launches us into 'heady' worrying, or numbing and spacing out.
[a] Gently ask your body to Relax: feel each of your major muscle groups and softly encourage them to relax. (Tightened musculature sends unnecessary danger signals to the brain)
Breathe deeply and slowly. (Holding the breath also signals danger).
[c] Slow down: rushing presses the psyche's panic button.
[d] Find a safe place to unwind and soothe yourself: wrap yourself in a blanket, hold a stuffed animal, lie down in a closet or a bath, take a nap.
[e] Feel the fear in your body without reacting to it. Fear is just an energy in your body that cannot hurt you if you do not run from it or react self-destructively to it.
Resist the Inner Critic's Drasticizing and Catastrophizing: [a] Use thought-stopping to halt its endless exaggeration of danger and constant planning to control the uncontrollable. Refuse to shame, hate or abandon yourself. Channel the anger of self-attack into saying NO to unfair self-criticism. Use thought-substitution to replace negative thinking with a memorized list of your qualities and accomplishments
Allow yourself to grieve. Flashbacks are opportunities to release old, unexpressed feelings of fear, hurt, and abandonment, and to validate - and then soothe - the child's past experience of helplessness and hopelessness. Healthy grieving can turn our tears into self-compassion and our anger into self-protection.
Cultivate safe relationships and seek support. Take time alone when you need it, but don't let shame isolate you. Feeling shame doesn't mean you are shameful. Educate your intimates about flashbacks and ask them to help you talk and feel your way through them.
Learn to identify the types of triggers that lead to flashbacks. Avoid unsafe people, places, activities and triggering mental processes. Practice preventive maintenance with these steps when triggering situations are unavoidable.
Figure out what you are flashing back to. Flashbacks are opportunities to discover, validate and heal our wounds from past abuse and abandonment. They also point to our still unmet developmental needs and can provide motivation to get them met.
Be patient with a slow recovery process: it takes time in the present to become un-adrenalized, and considerable time in the future to gradually decrease the intensity, duration and frequency of flashbacks. Real recovery is a gradually progressive process [often two steps forward, one step back], not an attained salvation fantasy. Don't beat yourself up for having a flashback.
13 Steps for Managing Flashbacks pdf