Selling engagement ring and hurt feelings...

[MissGotRocks]

I think the bigger question here is what you're trying to achieve. If selling the ring helps you get there and he's on board with it, that's not a bad thing IMO. However, we all know that getting full value for something is very hard to do and I don't understand how even if you did that, you could parlay that into a bigger stone with money left over to put in the bank. You had a larger stone and decided to sell it so I'm guessing that maybe your perfect ring would be somewhere between the first one and the one you sold. If that's the case, I would imagine that the ring that would make your heart sing would take all the value of the first with addtional money added in unless you are looking to buy something on the secondary market.

Figure out exactly what you want - then set about doing whatever it takes to make it a reality. If selling the first one won't net you much toward the goal, you may decide that for sentimental reasons and to protect his feelings you might just keep the first one and reset it into a pendant or something. If you are able to trade the first one in for full value toward what you really want, it might be the most prudent thing to do. I think that the stone not being worn or the fact that you are still paying insurance on it aren't really the issues at hand.

Engagement rings are not easy; there is a lot of emotion and money tied up with them. It's easier to let go of some things if you think that in doing so you will end up with something else that will make you far happier. You'll just have to weight out all the options in the place you are in today to figure out the best course of action for you and hubby.

 

[Enerchi]

Just ran it by my DH and his immediate reaction was no. Now, in our case, my ering was not that significant in cost or size, its just the sentimentality of it.

That's just one man's perspective...

 

[ame]

How 'bad' is it to sell your original engagement ring? If your DH picked out your engagement ring all on his own and was very proud of it, would you sell it if he said it was okay, even if you suspected that secretly, he probably would feel a bit sad/hurt about it? Thanks for your opinions!

Nope. I think it's pretty damn clear that he doesn't want it sold. And it may cause a serious strain on the relationship if it's sold anyway.

 

[daintyG]

like Enerchi's original e-ring, my e-ring is not significant in cost or size, but has sentimental value. I would not ever sell my e-ring because it cost little and would sell for very little--not worth it to me!! For anybody, the tradeoff of what you get by selling the ring (a dollar amount, a trade-in for a better diamond, etc.) has to be greater than what you lose by selling it (sentimental value).

 

[Pandora II]

I'd never change my e-ring ever... and DH would be devastated if I did.

But if I was the sort who would, and I had a diamond, I still wouldn't bother - you'll get a fraction of the value back (50% if you're lucky - especially given that it's not a premium stone to start with).

Why not set the stone as a pendant or save up for another and turn them into earrings for an anniverary?

Finally, you could also keep it for a future child/grandchild.

 

[Amys Bling]

like Enerchi's original e-ring, my e-ring is not significant in cost or size, but has sentimental value. I would not ever sell my e-ring because it cost little and would sell for very little--not worth it to me!! For anybody, the tradeoff of what you get by selling the ring (a dollar amount, a trade-in for a better diamond, etc.) has to be greater than what you lose by selling it (sentimental value).

Agree wholeheartedly!! If the sale amount isn't significant I wouldn't consider it worth it (if I was considering selling).

 

[Imdanny]

It's a ring, not your marriage. A strong marriage will last through a ton of rings! Sell it, get another one and have him re-ask you and put that baby on your finger! Celebrate the new ring and when you gush about how much you love it, he'll be happy too. There's no reason to keep something you don't love when it's just a possession. There may be hard times in your life when you HAVE to sell something so learn that the things don't make a marriage, two people do.

I agree.

 

[Mara]

kenny is making a quite good amt of sense to me...

while on one hand I think gee don't hurt his feelings even if he SAYS one thing, men are notorious for not feeling that way. recently i was considering selling my 2.32 J ES stone to finance a larger OEC purchase and just kind of have it be the end all to be all stone for me... but then i thought ... what if in a few years my tastes change and/or i regret it? it just didn't seem worth it to me. plus my 2.32 is so special, it's just an amazing stone, so i *know* i'd miss it. anyway hub said, sure if it's what you want, you should do that. so it was really in my camp, i decided to just get something else more affordable that i could wear as well as my large solitaire. now he sometimes makes disgruntled noises about me not wearing my e-ring much anymore... and i realize even though he said one thing, he felt another. i point that out to him which he doesn't love but he can't fault me because i'm right. anyway, bottom line is that i hate the PA attitude, i'd much rather them say no it would hurt me if you sold this so i'm not in favor of it...but that said, it's yours so you do what you feel you want with it.

i think some situations like this are lose/lose. anyway, i prob wouldn't sell in your case but you make a compelling argument. and i am much more a fan of 'wear what you have' vs just keeping stuff you don't wear...so i dunno. maybe have a convo with your hub about it an see if you both can net out in a positive spot. and just make sure if you do sell, you don't feel like you'll regret it later!

 

[Laughinggravy0]

I'd be interested to know if there is a cultural difference between the UK and the US and other countries. I can't imagine selling something so meaningful, and neither can any of my friends. "Cold dead hands" is right

Sizes tend to be smaller in the UK and almost non existent here in Brussels, at least in the public sector - even at pretty high levels. There's no feeling of big as possible being best. It's about the love that went into it and that's priceless. Whatever the size. The only thing that would bug me would be if he'd been ripped off, spent a fortune and was taken for a ride. That would put a bad taste in my mouth because I'd be so angry that someone could exploit anyone I loved.

There's five fingers, a neck and two ears if the money's there and the time's right. Doesn't all have to go on the ring finger.

Having said that I do agree with Kenny, people should just say what they think. Interpersonal relationships are compacted enough without anyone playing games. 'Tho I guess the guy might feel sheepish. Hopefully he has enough confidence in your understanding to say what he's really thinking.

Good luck with it, but I suggest you go slowly so you don't do anything that later makes you feel uncomfortable.

 

[Laila619]

Thank you everyone!! The replies aren't what I expected--I assumed that since this is PS, most people would say to go for it. A lot of us have upgraded/traded-in etc.

I don't think DH is being passive aggressive. He genuinely wants me to be happy with my ring, period. I am positive of that. But, that doesn't mean he won't be a little sad if I sell it, even though he knows a new ring would make me happier. Personally, even though I haven't said this to him, I feel like since he didn't put a lot of research or time into it, it's less sentimental to me than if he had. He just bought something that looked "sparkly." The original setting is long gone anyway (I do feel bad about that). Now I just have the diamond loose, after so many resets that weren't right. It finally dawned on me that it's not the settings that are wrong, I just am not happy with the size of the stone, and no setting will fix that, ya know?

 

[Laila619]

I think the bigger question here is what you're trying to achieve. If selling the ring helps you get there and he's on board with it, that's not a bad thing IMO. However, we all know that getting full value for something is very hard to do and I don't understand how even if you did that, you could parlay that into a bigger stone with money left over to put in the bank. You had a larger stone and decided to sell it so I'm guessing that maybe your perfect ring would be somewhere between the first one and the one you sold. If that's the case, I would imagine that the ring that would make your heart sing would take all the value of the first with addtional money added in unless you are looking to buy something on the secondary market.

MissGotRocks, yes--I would buy on the secondary market, or get a super blingy 5 stone band, or just buy a large colored stone or an antique find.

 

[Enerchi]

Thank you everyone!! The replies aren't what I expected--I assumed that since this is PS, most people would say to go for it. A lot of us have upgraded/traded-in etc.

I don't think DH is being passive aggressive. He genuinely wants me to be happy with my ring, period. I am positive of that. But, that doesn't mean he won't be a little sad if I sell it, even though he knows a new ring would make me happier. Personally, even though I haven't said this to him, I feel like since he didn't put a lot of research or time into it, it's less sentimental to me than if he had. He just bought something that looked "sparkly." The original setting is long gone anyway (I do feel bad about that). Now I just have the diamond loose, after so many resets that weren't right. It finally dawned on me that it's not the settings that are wrong, I just am not happy with the size of the stone, and no setting will fix that, ya know?

oh -I have a new perspective then.

It is no longer 'intact' so to speak, as the original ering, so in my mind, its already been "gone" for a while. I guess then, I'm revising my vote and if you are no longer happy with that single diamond and nothing will ever make it right for you... then "go for it" (as we say on PS!!) hahahaha!!!

Laila, if it is something that you want, that he agrees to and its now no longer the original ering anyhow ... do what makes your heart sing!

 

[Rhea]

If the setting, and therefore a huge part of how the ring was when he gave it to you, is gone then my vote is to sell it. I agree that there are more fingers and ears to put it on, but after that much time and energy spent on it I think I'd just want shot of it and to start over together on a ring.

 

[tammy77]

No. Even if my DH said it was okay. I'd keep it and hand it down to my daughter or another family member or something.

ETA: I hadn't read that the original ring was no longer intact. In your situation it seems like it might be okay to just sell it. If you can't get a reasonable amt back, perhaps set it in a pendant or get a matching one and make studs, something you will be able to enjoy even if the color/clarity isn't great. Considering the low resale value of diamonds, that's what I personally would do.

 

[lknvrb4]

Thanks everyone. Here's a little more back story: DH bought this diamond from a mall store. He didn't know anything about diamonds, he just told the sales associate that he wanted something that sparkled like crazy. So the sales associate showed him this particular diamond, and he took it. It wasn't like he shopped for weeks and did a lot of research or anything. In fact, he didn't do any research. I had no input on it at all, but I did like it at the time (until PS).

It is sentimental to me, but it just will never be big enough. I know that sounds horrible, but there it is. DSS set in and it's never going away. I have reset it so many times and have never been satisfied with it. I feel like it's a waste to pay money to insure it when I don't even wear it anymore. Having it sit in a jewelry box unworn seems silly too. So that's why I got the urge to sell it.

DH said it's really fine, and he just wants me to be happy, but the look in his eyes was kind of sad. He said it's just that it was the ring he proposed with, and it would be weird to not have that anymore. I agree, but then again having the cash for other things (or another ring) would be nice too. I hate that the diamond is just not being used. I don't really wear pendants or anything, so that's not an option either unfortunately.

I was in a very similar situation as you, mall store ring and then I upgraded so I had this beautiful halo but I did not wear it. DH and I talked about selling it and then he did not want me to then he changed his mind and said I could but that we were not giving it away. I was not comfortable wearing two erings and thought we could really use the money for other things. I posted an ad on craigslist and after lots of spam I got a real email. We met a nice couple who had three kids like we did and the wife accidentaly threw away her ering like 7 years ago and they never replaced it. It felt good selling it to a nice family and the story behind how she lost her ring, well I knew my ring would mean a lot to her for many years. I thought I would feel a little funny after we sold it but it makes me feel good knowing who has it now.

 

[Lottie]

Thank you everyone!! The replies aren't what I expected--I assumed that since this is PS, most people would say to go for it. A lot of us have upgraded/traded-in etc.

I don't think DH is being passive aggressive. He genuinely wants me to be happy with my ring, period. I am positive of that. But, that doesn't mean he won't be a little sad if I sell it, even though he knows a new ring would make me happier. Personally, even though I haven't said this to him, I feel like since he didn't put a lot of research or time into it, it's less sentimental to me than if he had. He just bought something that looked "sparkly." The original setting is long gone anyway (I do feel bad about that). Now I just have the diamond loose, after so many resets that weren't right. It finally dawned on me that it's not the settings that are wrong, I just am not happy with the size of the stone, and no setting will fix that, ya know?

If the original setting is already gone then IMO its no longer the original ring anyway, so I think its fine to do whatever you choose with the diamond. Looking at the resale of diamonds though, I think making a big loss on what we originally paid for the stone would stop me selling it.

 

[Laughinggravy0]

Aha, so the stone is loose and you aren't thinking of selling the ring or taking the diamond out of its setting. Yes, that changes things for me to. If you are sure he is only going to feel slightly regretful and that he'll be made more than happy when he sees you are, then go for it I think.

Either way, good luck with it all

 

[Lady_Disdain]

How 'bad' is it to sell your original engagement ring? If your DH picked out your engagement ring all on his own and was very proud of it, would you sell it if he said it was okay, even if you suspected that secretly, he probably would feel a bit sad/hurt about it? Thanks for your opinions!

Suspicions carry less weight than his words.
Sell it.
If your suspicions are correct he'll blow up.
Let him.

Maybe that's what it takes for him to learn that being passive aggressive doesn't work.

Instead of playing games, it is much more workable to say what you mean, mean what you say, and take your lumps up front.
My SO may not like many things I say but he never has to wonder what I REALLY think.

I couldn't disagree more. He might have said it was okay because he thought it would make Laila happier, That doesn't mean that he will hold it against her, throw it in her face during an argument or is being passive-aggressive. It can simply be that he thought about it and decided that, despite being hurt/sad, it was worth it to see her happy.

I think that automatically attributing it to passive-aggressiveness or playing games is a pretty sad view of the world. Are there people who would do it? Sure, but a lot of SO are honestly trying to make each other happy. So far, all the evidence seems to point in a different direction.

 

[Laila619]

How 'bad' is it to sell your original engagement ring? If your DH picked out your engagement ring all on his own and was very proud of it, would you sell it if he said it was okay, even if you suspected that secretly, he probably would feel a bit sad/hurt about it? Thanks for your opinions!

Suspicions carry less weight than his words.
Sell it.
If your suspicions are correct he'll blow up.
Let him.

Maybe that's what it takes for him to learn that being passive aggressive doesn't work.

Instead of playing games, it is much more workable to say what you mean, mean what you say, and take your lumps up front.
My SO may not like many things I say but he never has to wonder what I REALLY think.

I couldn't disagree more. He might have said it was okay because he thought it would make Laila happier, That doesn't mean that he will hold it against her, throw it in her face during an argument or is being passive-aggressive. It can simply be that he thought about it and decided that, despite being hurt/sad, it was worth it to see her happy.

I think that automatically attributing it to passive-aggressiveness or playing games is a pretty sad view of the world. Are there people who would do it? Sure, but a lot of SO are honestly trying to make each other happy. So far, all the evidence seems to point in a different direction.

Well said, Lady Disdain! He would never 'blow up' or use it later in an argument...just not his style.

 

[Amys Bling]

Do you have any pics of the ring/stone in question? I'm curious to see it

 

[Maria D]

Which is why I still think it's foolish to sell it. I can totally relate to hour husband's feelings Laila. He'd rather that you two have the diamond he proposed with but, if you don't feel the same way and would be happier getting cash back for it...well, whatever makes you happy then. In an ideal world of sunshine and rainbows, you would want the same thing that he wants and it wouldn't be an issue. And what's the cost of this ideal world? The amount of cash you can get by selling the diamond. So easily affordable! Money will come and go but this will always be the diamond with which your husband proposed. That may not matter to every couple out there, but it clearly matters to the two of you -- or you wouldn't be questioning it.

Also, research into a purchase does not equal "thoughtfulness." And now Maria will indulge in her own little story...

Years ago, after being strictly a SAHM for years, I got a job teaching math at a community college. I taught only one course and the pay was $1800. I wanted to buy my husband a really great birthday present with money that he hadn't earned himself -- something I hadn't done in about ten years! My husband had been playing the same guitar he bought in college and talked about getting a new one but never did it. I went to the local guitar shop, and spent less than an hour buying the best guitar I could for $1800. Did I research all over the internet? Did I check out the secondary market for an incredible bargain? Did I expect that this would be the last guitar he would ever want? No, but that didn't affect the exhilaration I felt buying and giving that guitar. Even though the entire transaction took less than an hour, it made me so happy to be able to surprise my husband. Don't think for a moment that just because your husband didn't scour PS before the purchase that he wasn't excited to buy you that diamond.

Now we can afford for my husband to go and spend much much more on a custom guitar. If he did, I wouldn't expect him to keep playing the one I gifted him with but I would be hurt if he was OK with selling it. Would I get over it? Sure. But it's a sweet feeling to know that my husband wants to keep it.

Finally, I wouldn't bother insuring your diamond, but that's me. I've never had insurance on my own ring and I actually *do* wear it every day.

 

[Laila619]

Thanks, Maria! Very good post. You're convincing me not to sell.

Amy, I do have pics of the diamond! I'll have to find my camera cord and post a couple.

 

[partgypsy]

What happened to the 3 stone ring idea?

I was going to say no, but at this point I see that the setting is gone, and you replaced with a larger stone and setting. What finger do you wear that ring on? Basically the deed is done in all but name. So for you I'd say yes. I would say there would be some emotional fall out from it but you have already gone through the majority of it at this point.

Personally I would not sell my engagement ring to get another piece of jewelry, except in the case of a family crisis where it was used to help the household. If I wanted something else I would save up for an anniversary style or other style ring and wear it on the other hand. I know I am a minority view, just my view.

 

[Amys Bling]

Great post Maria- you really nailed it for me!! So true, money comes and goes- and you two could save up for a new ring together and include him in the process- heck he could even take the ring before you get your hot little hands on it and surprise you with it!! . In the end - once you sell that stone he was excited to buy you and propose to you with- it is gone...

 

[Octavia]

Personally, even though I haven't said this to him, I feel like since he didn't put a lot of research or time into it, it's less sentimental to me than if he had. He just bought something that looked "sparkly."

Laila, my hubby did pretty much the same thing -- decided he was ready to propose, went out and bought a ring, and popped the question that night. I don't think it ever occurred to him that there are lots of different styles of rings and I might want something specific (to be fair, I never really wore jewelry while we were dating so I can kind of understand why he didn't think I'd have a preference). I think he just figured that since he went to a "good" jewelry store (Tiffany) that he would end up with a good ring and that's that. But I don't think he has ever researched anything in his entire life, so I don't know why I expected anything different...

Anyway, I am also in the boat where my stone will never be able to make my heart skip a beat (partly the size but also the fact that I would have told him to look for an OEC or a cushion if he had asked, and I just don't care for modern RBs on my hand), but I know my DH would be devastated so unfortunately I don't have as much latitude as you. Personally, I don't get it -- he doesn't even like jewelry so why he's so attached has to be purely emotional and not actually related to the object itself -- but it means that I will never sell it or trade it in. Eventually I might transition to just my wedding band plus stacker, and/or look for a RHR that is more "me." Anyway, I'm not sure this helps, but I do sympathize! It's a sticky position to be in.

ETA: just read the last couple posts and I think there's kind of a cost-benefit line for me. My ring falls on the side where selling it on the secondary market could never net enough to outweigh my hubby's emotional attachment. Even if I wasn't wearing it every day (which I do), I could justify keeping it for the sentimental value. On the other hand, if he had spent $20k on it and it was just going to sit in a box for the next fifty years, I might press the point.

 

[Amys Bling]

Def a sticky situation.

 

[Laila619]

Part Gypsy, I sold my bigger upgrade a while ago. As for the 3 stone idea, it still is in the works but I'm not sure if that will finally be the answer, ya know?

Octavia, hey, at least your hubby went to Tiffany, hehe! I would lurve a Tiff ring! Mine went to Jared . But I totally understand your feelings too. Thanks for chiming in!

 

[Dreamer_D]

Laila, realistically you would not get much for selling it, probably well under $2000 If you can even find a buyer! Seems like it can be a real crap shoot. I don't think its worth it to take the chane of regretting it. I am in a similar boat in that I never wear my original e-ring because I don't like the mount. It sits in my ring box. I know how I would like to set it though. One day I will.

 

[Amys Bling]

Laila, realistically you would not get much for selling it, probably well under $2000 If you can even find a buyer! Seems like it can be a real crap shoot. I don't think its worth it to take the chane of regretting it. I am in a similar boat in that I never wear my original e-ring because I don't like the mount. It sits in my ring box. I know how I would like to set it though. One day I will.

I think the price you could get from it is a big determining factor. If its not ALOT then may be worh to keep it for many reasons

 

[MissGotRocks]

How about if you incorporated the stone into a three stone ring with this stone being one of the sidestones? If you could get one that matched and a bigger center stone you'd be all set! Don't know what your perfect proportions would be but it seems to me that in your three stone thread you were going after a three stone ring with the center stone not being tremendously larger than the sides. A center of 1.35 - 1.50 maybe? You'd have tremendous bling and would have saved the original stone. A win-win solution!