Wedding Second Time Bride Confused With Friends

[crystalheart1]

Okay ... maybe I am just reading into things a bit much, but it seems like since I have been engaged a few of my closer friends have kind of pulled away a bit.

I have had a small group of long time friends. I am not really super close to any of them due to work, families , etc. But it makes me wonder why everyone has kind of pulled away since I have gotten engaged.

I have been divorced for over fifteen years and while everyone seems very happy and supportive of us, they have kind of lost touch since we set our wedding date. No phone calls..evah

I have not discussed any wedding planning with them so I know It is not a Bridezilla situation.

It makes me think, is is they are afraid they will be obligated to do something for me...like plan a party / shower.

Which is not the case at all. I am having a nice wedding of about 60 people.. That is it - no showers ...etc.

Can''t figure this one out. When I do reach out to call them the first thing they say is Oh I have been thinking about you, how is the wedding planning coming along ?

Any second time brides gone through this type of thing, or friends that have ?

 

[SeattleSweetheart]

I''m sorry this is happening to you. It is so hard when friends don''t seem happy for us when something good happens in our lives.

I''m a second time bride too. And one of my single friends, who I was really close with, pulled away when I started dating my fiance. I gave her some space and tried to not take it personally, even though my feelings were hurt that she wasn''t more happy for me. After I gave her some space, I had to be the one that would invite her to do things with me. It took me about a year of alternating between giving her space and then initiating interaction before she started to open up again. I really care about this friend and didn''t want to loose her, so to me it was worth the effort.

I think if your friends are not calling you, stop waiting for them to call you and pick up the phone. Show them you still want to continue your friendships with them by calling them up and inviting them to do something. Your friends may think your too busy planning a wedding to call them and feel hurt that you haven''t called them.

It may take a while for them to understand you''re still the same person. If you are patient and willing to put the work into maintaining your friendships during this transition, I bet your friendships will be even stronger after the wedding. And you''ll learn who your real friends are because your true friends will come around and will want to celebrate with you.

Good luck!

I hope it doesn''t take as long for your friends to come around as it did mine.

 

[CJ2008]

seattle what a positive and wonderful way to look at things...

crystal, if these people are GOOD friends, and worth your time and effort, what seattle has said is great advice. I don''t think it''s easy to do (easier to get offended/feel rejected and stop calling them, as well...) but definitely a healthy way to approach it. But I think it would only work if you''re doing it w/o resentment - otherwise I would suggest that you express how you''re feeling in a non-accusatory/neutral way.

I have so little experience with these things because when most of friends got married I much younger and clueless...but another thing I might do is make sure to talk about things with them OTHER than the wedding, and to remember to ask them how they are and what''s going on with them. I would definitely answer their questions about it, and show my excitement, etc. - I just wouldn''t make it the only thing we talked about.

 

[HappyAnniversary]

I think they assume you are focused on your relationship and don''t have time/inclination to continue the friendship thing at least at the same level of intensity (bad choice of words, but you get the idea). I would go out of my way to invite them in your plans, you just may have to make the first step. Most of the time I hear my friends complain the other way--now that she''s engaged she has no time for me. They actually may be thoughtful and thinking they don''t want to intrude.

 

[neatfreak]

Seattle has great advice if these are friends that are long term and worth your time.

I am going to throw something out there too, which is just a question and probably not the case...but do these friends like your fiance and support your relationship? You say they "seem" to support it, does that mean that they have said they support it? And liked hanging out with you two before you were engaged? Or you assume they do because they haven't said anything otherwise? I will admit I have pulled away a bit from a friend whose relationship I think is unhealthy for her when they got engaged. But then again, I also had let her know in the past that I thought the relationship was unhealthy.

Obviously that very well may not be the situation, but it was just something else I thought of.

Regardless I am so sorry this is happening to you! Go reach out to them and show them you still have the time for them and the desire to be friends (assuming you do). Good luck!!!

 

[crystalheart1]

Thanks for all your responses. I understand what you are saying about reaching out to them. I did state in my post that I am the one to call them , the first thing they say is " Oh I have been thinking about you. " How is everything going. I guess I am a bit hurt that I am not hearing from them.
I make it a point not to bring up wedding planning. I don''t want to bore anyone.I also want it to be an element of surprise when they see the decor. My friends are very happy for me regarding finding the love of my life. He is very warm, friendly, and likeable. They have gone out of their way to let me know that.

I really think it is more of matter of them are afraid they might have to get involved in Parties or Showers etc..

I don''t know - I just get that vibe... I was just wondering if this is normal in situations like this.

 

[CJ2008]

Date: 8/16/2008 1:02:44 PM
Author: crystalheart1
Thanks for all your responses. I understand what you are saying about reaching out to them. I did state in my post that I am the one to call them , the first thing they say is ' Oh I have been thinking about you. ' How is everything going. I guess I am a bit hurt that I am not hearing from them.
I make it a point not to bring up wedding planning. I don't want to bore anyone.I also want it to be an element of surprise when they see the decor. My friends are very happy for me regarding finding the love of my life. He is very warm, friendly, and likeable. They have gone out of their way to let me know that.

I really think it is more of matter of them are afraid they might have to get involved in Parties or Showers etc..

I don't know - I just get that vibe... I was just wondering if this is normal in situations like this.

- You're right; you did say that. I think what we were all trying to stay is to continue doing that/don't lose patience.

- If that's the vibe that you're getting, why don't you just beat them to the punch? Meaning, during one of these conversations, why not mention that you're looking so forward to doing it differently this time, and that you're so glad it's going to be just the wedding, because you don't want/are not planning on doing a shower or party?

I don't know if it's "normal" or not...I could see how it could be hurtful if you sense they're pulling away because they're afraid they'll have to do something for you. But don't forget, this is your ASSUMPTION - and as much as you may feel you're right, you really don't know. That's why the other way to go (or even in addition) is to simply state what you're feeling, that you feel if you don't call them, they don't call you, that you miss talking with them, etc., and see what they say.

 

[crystalheart1]

Claudinam... That is a great idea. It IS just a wedding, no showers , parties..etc.

We are hosting a celebration where our guests can enjoy a nice meal, have a few cocktails, and dance to some good music.

I do not have a bridal party,, just our kids will join us at the alter. I guess people are not sure of protocol since we are in a different situation than a younger couple in their 20''s or 30''s.

Thanks

 

[neatfreak]

Weird...I feel like there MUST be something else going on. I mean if they were your true friends would they really avoid you because of the potential to have to help with a shower or something? I mean I am the first one to find showers annoying but ya know what? I am happily throwing a shower for a very dear friend in the next few weeks. It''s not worth losing a friend over for sure!

Is there a polite way you could just say to them "I feel like we''ve been distant and I really miss our close friendship. Am I doing something that is putting you off?" I know it might not be the most comfortable conversation to have, but it might be the only way to get to the bottom of whatever their issue is.

One more thought: Are they married? Could it be that they are just really jealous? Sometimes that clouds people''s judgement...

 

[crystalheart1]

NeatFreak

Here are some other things that might be factors.... One is VERY UNHAPPILY Married, and I don''t know a nice way to say this but....she is very cheap. She use to B*tch about having to buy Birthday Presents for Kids when our children were invited to Birthday Parties.

I also have two other girlfriends who were actually engaged before me but have not set wedding dates.. One due to finances, and the other wants to make sure about *****things ******.,,,, I guess I have some various reasons here

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 8/16/2008 1:45:28 PM
Author: crystalheart1
NeatFreak


Here are some other things that might be factors.... One is VERY UNHAPPILY Married, and I don''t know a nice way to say this but....she is very cheap. She use to B*tch about having to buy Birthday Presents for Kids when our children were invited to Birthday Parties.


I also have two other girlfriends who were actually engaged before me but have not set wedding dates.. One due to finances, and the other wants to make sure about *****things ******.,,,, I guess I have some various reasons here

THAT to me says it all right there. They are just so wrapped up in their own situations they might be having a hard time being happy for you. I still suggest talking to them and telling them that their support means a lot, etc. then continue as you are and try not to talk about too much wedding stuff with them...I''m so sorry!!!

 

[crystalheart1]

Agreed... I seem to get a better reaction from people when things were going "bad " for me.

 

[CJ2008]

I like what neatfreak said...

"I still suggest talking to them and telling them that their support means a lot, etc. then continue as you are and try not to talk about too much wedding stuff with them..."

...just try not to read too much into why they''re acting one way or another...it''s hard to remember that strong assumptions and feelings are still just assumptions. So I would add that you be even more specific and mention the phone call thing.

But more important than that, turn to the people who ARE showing happiness for you, and concentrate on THEM.

Good luck with this, crystal...