Home Sacrifices

[Haven]

Date: 8/11/2008 8:35:14 PM
Author: MC
Our country has moved so sadly away from the joys & benefits of extended family. I''d say move in IF you get along well with your inlaws. Your child will have a wonderful mulit-generational experience that most kids today miss out on.

Oh, bravo MC! I could not agree more.

 

[Jas12]

Diva--if u like your inlaws i would move in, sounds like a good balance/compromise (under the circumstances) you know the saying ''it takes a village to raise a child''--if u have good inlaws not only will u get to raise him, have help around, save money etc. your child gets the benefit of family interaction and that is always a good thing!!
I would just make sure that if you need your privacy you have a nice light conversation about what kind of boundaries will exist in the house.

and when is there ever enough money to raise a kid??--sheesh, if i decided i needed to have every dollar required to raise Cohen put aside i would be well past child bearing age before having him

--u just gotta go with it!!

 

[moremoremore]

LOL- I was going to add that...like who the hell has the money for a kid these days...it's hard enough with two people working..never mind throwing in that baby who certainly doesn't pull his/her own weight Please- I tell my cats I'm going to get them two little briefcases and send them out to work...

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 8/11/2008 11:09:52 PM
Author: moremoremore
LOL- I was going to add that...like who the hell has the money for a kid these days...it''s hard enough with two people working..never mind throwing in that baby who certainly doesn''t pull his/her own weight Please- I tell my cats I''m going to get them two little briefcases and send them out to work...

Bahaha MMM, so true (and such a funny image, by the way).

I mean seriously...you can never have enough money for a kid. TGuy and I make darn good money and we''re still in an apartment. I''m freaking out over childcare costs here in LA and am wondering how I will ever save money to buy a half a million dollar house which will be the size of my apartment if I am lucky. We''re 3/4 there in saving 20% for a down payment and it STILL won''t be enough because now to buy a decent home will cost about $650K!

To make a judgment about someone and saying they had a kid they couldn''t afford because they want to save to give that kid a better life is just...well, I''m sure you can insert your own word here.

 

[pennquaker09]

I forget who asked, I think it was something shiny, but do you want to work or do you want to stay home? I think that''s the most important question and once your answer that, you''ll have your answer.

Personally, I think I would move in with the in-laws and work part-time or just stay at home for a while. I can tell that your goal is to have home of your own and it seems like living with the in-laws would help you to save. If I had to choose between money and staying at home, the latter would always be my choice.

And don''t feel bad about getting help. Nate''s a doctor and BOTH of our parents still offer to help us even though we don''t need it. His mom even come up and stayed with us for the first month the twins were home. Parents are always willing to help in any way that they can.

 

[violet02]

Date: 8/11/2008 8:15:29 PM
Author: Haven
I would do whatever it takes to stay home with your child. My parents were poor when they married, and they were still poor when they had me, but my mom stayed home with me until I was 10 and I wouldn't change that for the world.

And for what it's worth--my parents pulled it together over time, and although they weren't able to send me to college, they were able to send my three sisters AND they just paid for my wedding. And as an adult, it's not the potato dinners and second-hand clothes that I remember, it's all that time with my mom.

Good luck. I think you're blessed to have such giving parents, and I wish your family all the best.

I just wanted to say that I love what you said here Haven! It was really touching. That's what I remember most too, the fact that she spent so much time with me being a SAHM... she did work part time for a few months but she was able to take me to work with her some of that time. And not to be morbid (or garner sympathy or anything!) but my mom passed away when I was nine and I have to say that I'm so grateful she was able to spend so much time with me!

If it were me, I'd probably stay at home... time with your kids is a precious precious thing!!

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 8/12/2008 6:09:34 AM
Author: violet02

Date: 8/11/2008 8:15:29 PM
Author: Haven
I would do whatever it takes to stay home with your child. My parents were poor when they married, and they were still poor when they had me, but my mom stayed home with me until I was 10 and I wouldn''t change that for the world.

And for what it''s worth--my parents pulled it together over time, and although they weren''t able to send me to college, they were able to send my three sisters AND they just paid for my wedding. And as an adult, it''s not the potato dinners and second-hand clothes that I remember, it''s all that time with my mom.

Good luck. I think you''re blessed to have such giving parents, and I wish your family all the best.

I just wanted to say that I love what you said here Haven! It was really touching. That''s what I remember most too, the fact that she spent so much time with me being a SAHM... she did work part time for a few months but she was able to take me to work with her some of that time. And not to be morbid (or garner sympathy or anything!) but my mom passed away when I was nine and I have to say that I''m so grateful she was able to spend so much time with me!

If it were me, I''d probably stay at home... time with your kids is a precious precious thing!!

And just for the record, my mom was never home with me. She did, however, use money to buy my love, and still tries to.

Looking back, I would give anything to be poor and have time with my mom. Our strained and superficial relationship is a result of sufficient money but not enough love.

Of course mom and dad have to be happy, but money never necessarily equates to happiness. Do what makes you happy, and you''ll figure out the rest!

 

[erica k]

I think if you''re ok with taking time off work, and you get along with your inlaws, you might want to consider moving in with them. It sounds like you won''t be stepping on each others'' toes, and you would get to spend as much time as you need with your baby.

If it makes you feel any better, my mom is going to move into a tiny bedroom with a lightwell window in our 840 sq ft condo in order to help us with the baby for 4 months. She and I drive each other nuts half the time, but it''s really important for me to maintain close intergenerational contact. I rarely spent time with my grandmother while growing up and now we can barely communicate due to language barriers. Plus my mom is a fantastic cook, and needless to say, I''d love to learn to cook while being her captive audience.

As for parents helping out financially, my parents have always done so and will continue to help as long as we need it. We are both in grad school, which by default means you really really can''t afford a child (not that there''s ever enough money), and sometimes sacrifices need to be made in order to start a family at a time that otherwise makes sense for you.

My family is the type that believes that everything is a joint effort, we are never alone in our choices, struggles, and successes. Going to grad school and starting a family impacts my parents and relatives, so they are willing to do whatever they can to help us off to a strong start. It sounds like you have a few good (not great) options. I think if you''d rather take time off and can manage living with your inlaws in order to save up for a home, then that might be one of your better options.

 

[gailrmv]

i think it all boils down to whether you prefer to work or stay home with your child. I am a firm believer that a happy mom is a better mom, so within reason, you have to make the work/family choices that allow you to be at your best. Perhaps working part time is a good compromise. I am also not sure, but in your field, if you leave for a few years will you be able to return at the same level you are at now (for example if you want to go back full time when your son starts school)? If this may be a concern, I''d look into all the details before you quit - for example can you keep up your license, attend professional events, etc while you are not actively working in the field. best of luck, I know it is a very difficult decision but I am sure that you and your DH will figure out what works best for you. Oh, and I see no problem with accepting either parents'' offers of assistance - they would not have offered if they did not want to help.

 

[Independent Gal]

TanDogmom makes an excellent point. If momma ain''t happy, ain''t nobody happy. Wiser words were rarely spoken. So it really makes sense to think about what would make you feel most comfortable and fulfilled, whether that''s being at home with your child, being out on your own, working, not working, whatever it is that makes you the BEST you you can be will ultimately be good for your child too.

I know that my mother''s happiness and well-being has always been one of the important aspects of mine. It''s like we''re wired together. If she gets upset or sad, or if she''s proud of an accomplishment or feels happy and productive, I am automatically too. And vice versa!

 

[Burk]

Diva~Just wanted to pop in and say I totally understand what you''re going through! I am back at work starting today.

Keep us posted on what you decide. I''m sure you will make the best decision you can for your family!

 

[LaraOnline]

Can''t give you any good advice - too hard basket for me, I''m afraid - just wanted to offer you my support. All the best!

L.

 

[UCLABelle]

Purrfect Pear-She could have afforded to have a child if her mom kept to the agreement...and very few people can actually afford to have a child/children now a days due to high costs....

My now husband and I lived with my parents for a while. And, I would consider doing it if needed. I also would have no problem taking $400 a month from my parents to help with our kid (if we had one!). Of the two options, I would move-in with the in-laws, just my opinion (so long as you have a good relationship). So much time to be with your son...and it would only be temporary.

 

[ahappygirl]

Diva - I know I''m late in the game on this thread but I just wanted to say it is a hard, huge decision but I''m sure you will do what is right for you and your family. I am so glad both sets of parents/ in-laws are offering such awesome support, whether or not you choose to accept it. I''m a SAHM and it''s my dream job, but I get everyone needs to do what works best for their own situation.


I just wanted to throw a big hug your way.