Home Sacrifices

[DivaDiamond007]

So, my hubby and I have been married for three years and just had our first child - he''s almost 6 weeks old. I am scheduled to return to work the second week of September. During my entire pregnancy (and before) my mom told us that she would be quitting her job in order to care for the baby when I returned to work. Well, she''s decided to not quit for a litany of reasons thus leaving us in a bind as far as child care is concerned.

I''ve called two individual people that were referred to me and one will not work out due to scheduling conflicts and the other is quite a bit away from home and would require a long commute every day. We''ve also checked out a local daycare and, while it''s nice, I''m very uneasy about daycare centers and the cost would be $830 per month - much higher than our rent and more than we can afford.

My parents have offered to pay $400 per month toward child care and we could swing that at the daycare center, however, that would basically max us out and prevent us from saving any money - money that should be saved for a downpayment on a house of our own.

My MIL and FIL have offered to let us move in with them in order to save money. We would have two bedrooms downstairs (they sleep upstaris), a huge bathroom and the front living room to ourselves. There is plenty of room for all of us plus an additional two empty bedrooms upstaris for use for visitors. They live on 10 acres that''s just far enough to fell out of town but close enough to town to make shopping and commuting easy.

If we moved in with the IL''s I could quit working in order to care for our son. We''d still be saving money because we wouldn''t have our ordinary living expenses and my son wouldn''t have to go to daycare or be placed in someone''s home. I could even work part-time if I wanted because we could probably find family to watch James two or three days a week - unfortunately there''s not anybody available full-time.

As soon as we had enough money saved for a substantial downpayment on an exisiting home or available to use to build a home we''d move out and I''d return to the workforce.

What would you do? Continue looking for reasonable and safe child care and live on your own or suck it up and move in with the IL''s and save some huge bucks? I''m really torn.

Diva

 

[somethingshiny]

Do you WANT to stay home with your child, or do you WANT to go to work??


eta- Personally, I'd hate living with other people, BUT, I'd do it in a heartbeat if that was the way to stay home with my son. There will be plenty of years to work when my little guy gets older. For now, there's nothing that could compare to watching a 2 yr old learn about his world, gain independence, and start getting jokes.

 

[Independent Gal]

It really depends on what you need to make you feel OK. Are you OK staying with the folks? OK leaving your baby? OK not working? Personally, I could never not work because I LOVE working. After the first three months, I''m planning to get back to work for as many hours as I can squeeze in (I don''t work a 9-5 job so that makes it easy to be flexible).

The cost of daycare is insane, I agree. I sometimes wonder if the policy is calculated to make women more likely to stay home. In most other developed countries, daycare is subsidized so that women can continue to work if they want to.

 

[purrfectpear]

It might potentially strain a marriage to move in with parents (yours or his).

I can''t imagine taking $400/mo. for years from my parents either. Sounds like you can''t really afford to have a child but that''s water under the bridge now. What a dilemma. I don''t really recommend you quitting work now under the assumption that you''ll go back later. The longer you are out of the work force, the less likely you''ll get a job that''s worth leaving home for.

Where do you live that the childcare options are narrowed down to 3?

I would live on my own with hubby, find responsible childcare, and pay for it myself. One way or another, that''s what I would do.

 

[Linda W]

Date: 8/11/2008 2:36:43 PM
Author: purrfectpear
It might potentially strain a marriage to move in with parents (yours or his).


I can''t imagine taking $400/mo. for years from my parents either. Sounds like you can''t really afford to have a child but that''s water under the bridge now. What a dilemma. I don''t really recommend you quitting work now under the assumption that you''ll go back later. The longer you are out of the work force, the less likely you''ll get a job that''s worth leaving home for.


Where do you live that the childcare options are narrowed down to 3?


I would live on my own with hubby, find responsible childcare, and pay for it myself. One way or another, that''s what I would do.

PP: I really disagree with your statement. Sometimes parents want to help their children. We have helped our daughter many times. Not because we felt we had too, but because we wanted to out of love.

If, I were in the situation, I too, would offer my daughter $400.00 a month to help her out with day care. It is something a mother just wants to do, for her daughter. If the OP wants to accept it, she should


Linda

 

[Sabine]

I think as long as you could be happy not working or working part time, then I would take your inlaws up on their offer. But it really also depends on what you are comfortable with and what you want. It sounds like you would have enough space with your inlaws to be able to save money for your own home, and you staying home definitely sounds better than daycare you can''t afford.

 

[Kaleigh]

I agree with Linda, as always.

Sounds like you''d have plenty of room staying with your in laws, could even work part time and thus be saving lots of money. Child care is soooo expensive. I think your parents offer to help was very thoughtful and generous. I know if my kids need help in that department I will offer to help pay too. Hopefully they will live close so Ican do the babysitting.

I am glad you have lots of options, it''s really up to what you and your hubby are comfortable with. Good luck!! Congrats on James, I bet he''s a sweetie!!!

 

[Pandora II]

The cost of childcare these days in astronomical!

In London it''s about $1.6k a month on average for a shared childminder and a good nursery is about $3k a month.

Is there any way that you could find a job that would enable you to work from home? I''m hoping to spend my maternity leave year setting up a business from home so that I can be at home and work. We absolutely couldn''t afford for me not to work.

On the parents idea, in Italy this is not only common, it''s usual! If their house is big enough that you won''t be on top of each other, I say go for it!


Purrfectpear, I don''t think your comments about whether the OP can/cannot afford to have a child are really relevant in the slightest and strike me as rather unkind and unhelpful.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 8/11/2008 2:57:28 PM
Author: Pandora II
The cost of childcare these days in astronomical!

In London it''s about $1.6k a month on average for a shared childminder and a good nursery is about $3k a month.

Is there any way that you could find a job that would enable you to work from home? I''m hoping to spend my maternity leave year setting up a business from home so that I can be at home and work. We absolutely couldn''t afford for me not to work.

On the parents idea, in Italy this is not only common, it''s usual! If their house is big enough that you won''t be on top of each other, I say go for it!


Purrfectpear, I don''t think your comments about whether the OP can/cannot afford to have a child are really relevant in the slightest and strike me as rather unkind and unhelpful.

Yes Purrfectpear, your comment regarding the child was most unkind, and really no help at all.

 

[curlygirl]

Diva, this is a tough one and you and your husband are really the only ones that can make this decision but I'll give you my thoughts.

For me personally, I couldn't live with my in-laws. It's just not something I would feel comfortable with, even if I did have my own space which it sounds like you would. And like Indy, I really like working so I also couldn't imagine not going back to work. But again, that's just me. Your in-laws have made you a really sweet offer and it's actually one that is pretty hard to turn down!

I think it's incredibly generous for your family to offer you money to help out. Are there any other options besides daycare and the 2 people that you've already contacted? Maybe if you could find childcare that is more affordable, you and DH wouldn't have to shell out any extra money and could exclusively use what your parents are offering. Can you possibly work part time and then have a part time nanny using your parents' contribution?

I do feel your pain, believe me!! I have a weird situation in that my MIL has offered to take care of baby #2 for 3 months (after my maternity leave) so we don't have to put her in daycare with her big sis until she's 6 months old. I have no problem with putting her in daycare at 3 months just like I did with Lily and have never even considered not doing it since we kind of can afford it. DH thinks we should do it to save up some money but I do NOT relish the idea of my MIL being in my home every morning as I'm leaving for work and every evening when I return--DH leaves before I do and comes home later! I spoke to my parents about it and of course, they agreed with me to the point of offering to pay for daycare for my baby just to make sure my MIL wasn't around all the time!!!

Yay for generous parents!

So while I can't offer you any easy solutions, I will advise you to think it through really carefully and figure out what is most important and what you are willing to "sacrifice". Sit down with DH and make a list of the pros and cons. I know it's really stressful right now but it will all work out!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Maybe I''m being presumptuos, but it sounds like living on your own and getting childcare isn''t really a viable option at this point? Even with financial help from your parents, it sounds like living on your own would stretch your means to the very limit. I realize that neither situation is ideal, but it seems that moving in with the in-laws probably makes the most financial sense. Paying for your bills at the in-laws would probably be much less than your current rent and instead of being stretched financially and forced to take (or borrow?) money from your parents, you can work towards the financial goal of buying your own house.

Good luck with making a decision and I''m sorry that things didn''t work out with your mother and her job.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I think the first step I would take is to look into the childcare centers a bit more to see if they were monitored for standards by some type of government agency. Where I live (canada) the government certified childcare centers are excellent and provide top-notch childcare, better than private. If the childcare center was up-to-snuff, I would accept the financial help from my parents and go that route.

A close second would be living with my in-laws. I like my privacy, but if it was short term (i.e., less than 2 years) this option would maybe top my list.

PS: all this is predicated on the assumption that if your parents give you money it is a no-stings-attached gift, and that the in-laws are nice people you can stand to live with

 

[Linda W]

Date: 8/11/2008 3:00:57 PM
Author: Kaleigh

Date: 8/11/2008 2:57:28 PM

Author: Pandora II

The cost of childcare these days in astronomical!


In London it''s about $1.6k a month on average for a shared childminder and a good nursery is about $3k a month.


Is there any way that you could find a job that would enable you to work from home? I''m hoping to spend my maternity leave year setting up a business from home so that I can be at home and work. We absolutely couldn''t afford for me not to work.


On the parents idea, in Italy this is not only common, it''s usual! If their house is big enough that you won''t be on top of each other, I say go for it!



Purrfectpear, I don''t think your comments about whether the OP can/cannot afford to have a child are really relevant in the slightest and strike me as rather unkind and unhelpful.

Yes Purrfectpear, your comment regarding the child was most unkind, and really no help at all.

Yes, I second that. That would really hurt my feelings. They are truly blessed to have their precious child.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

somethingshiny, Sabine and IG - before I had James I swore up and down that I would not stay home and that I''d return to work after 8 weeks. Having a child changes everything. He''s the number one priority. I love my job but I love my son more. Ugh. There is plenty of room at the IL''s, I could work part-time and still saving more money than we are saving now.

Linda and Kaleigh - If we stay put we will accept the money - my mom is basically offering it because she feels guilty for essentially leading us on. I don''t think she did it on purpose but she should have said something much sooner. My husband is bitter about it but hides it well around her. I''m less bitter but disappointed because I actually thought that she would quit her job in order to watch James. In actuality we should have known better.

My mother is a separate thread so I''ll leave it at that

Pandora II - I really wish I could work at home. I''m a paralegal and could freelance, but there''s not much of a market for that in my geographical area or in my area of law - family law and bankruptcy. It is something that we are looking into though. I have plenty of bankruptcy experience and can type petitions in my sleep so there may be some options there.

Kaleigh and Pandora II - Agreed about purrfectpear''s comment. Not helpful. There is never enough money for a child - what''s important is that he is loved and cherished. God never gives us more than we can handle

Another consideration is that I am due a raise upon returning to work. The specifics have not been worked out since I still have about 4 whole weeks off, but it is possible that my raise will be substantial and we''ll be able to find more affordable childcare and have me work part-time while staying put in our rental house. My boss is pretty flexible and is supportive of a family oriented lifestyle - having three kids of his own.

It''s just so much to think about. I know in my heart that the best thing for James would be for me to stay home as much as possible in his early years - someway, somehow. For my sanity staying in the rental makes sense and financially moving in with the IL''s makes the most sense. GAH!

Diva

 

[DivaDiamond007]

Date: 8/11/2008 3:05:50 PM
Author: curlygirl
Diva, this is a tough one and you and your husband are really the only ones that can make this decision but I''ll give you my thoughts.

For me personally, I couldn''t live with my in-laws. It''s just not something I would feel comfortable with, even if I did have my own space which it sounds like you would. And like Indy, I really like working so I also couldn''t imagine not going back to work. But again, that''s just me. Your in-laws have made you a really sweet offer and it''s actually one that is pretty hard to turn down!

I think it''s incredibly generous for your family to offer you money to help out. Are there any other options besides daycare and the 2 people that you''ve already contacted? Maybe if you could find childcare that is more affordable, you and DH wouldn''t have to shell out any extra money and could exclusively use what your parents are offering. Can you possibly work part time and then have a part time nanny using your parents'' contribution?

I do feel your pain, believe me!! I have a weird situation in that my MIL has offered to take care of baby #2 for 3 months (after my maternity leave) so we don''t have to put her in daycare with her big sis until she''s 6 months old. I have no problem with putting her in daycare at 3 months just like I did with Lily and have never even considered not doing it since we kind of can afford it. DH thinks we should do it to save up some money but I do NOT relish the idea of my MIL being in my home every morning as I''m leaving for work and every evening when I return--DH leaves before I do and comes home later! I spoke to my parents about it and of course, they agreed with me to the point of offering to pay for daycare for my baby just to make sure my MIL wasn''t around all the time!!!

Yay for generous parents!

So while I can''t offer you any easy solutions, I will advise you to think it through really carefully and figure out what is most important and what you are willing to ''sacrifice''. Sit down with DH and make a list of the pros and cons. I know it''s really stressful right now but it will all work out!

We are working on that right now. It''s very possible that I will have more contacts of home-based providers that will be right around $100 per week or less if I work part time. That way mom and dad are footing the bill as promised and hubby and I are still staying on our own and managing to save a little money each month.

 

[allycat0303]

DivaDiamond:

I am sorry that you are in a difficult situation. Honestly, I would take my parents up on an offer to live with them (if you get along with them). But I am asian, so it is normal for us to have more then one generation living in our house. My grandmother raised me, and I can assure you that she never saw it as a burden!

They are willing to help, and it sounds as though a helping hand would be welcome.

If you don''t get along with them, I would take the money for the childcare from your parents. Honestly, most of us wouldn''t BLINK and accepting $10 000 contribution from our parents for a wedding. And that is a 1 day party. This is money that would be invested in your future and your child.

Incidently, I don''t think that a decision to have a child should come down to dollars and sense and asking ourselves whether we can *afford* the child. You had a plan, and there were some unexpected circumstances. I hope you can find a good solution!

 

[DivaDiamond007]

Date: 8/11/2008 3:06:47 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
Maybe I''m being presumptuos, but it sounds like living on your own and getting childcare isn''t really a viable option at this point? Even with financial help from your parents, it sounds like living on your own would stretch your means to the very limit. I realize that neither situation is ideal, but it seems that moving in with the in-laws probably makes the most financial sense. Paying for your bills at the in-laws would probably be much less than your current rent and instead of being stretched financially and forced to take (or borrow?) money from your parents, you can work towards the financial goal of buying your own house.

Good luck with making a decision and I''m sorry that things didn''t work out with your mother and her job.

There may be options out there that are much less than the daycare center. I knew that center-based care would be the most expensive route but we want to look at all of our options before making a decision. If mom and dad help with the costs then things will basically be the same, financially, for us.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

Date: 8/11/2008 3:10:04 PM
Author: dreamer_dachsie
I think the first step I would take is to look into the childcare centers a bit more to see if they were monitored for standards by some type of government agency. Where I live (canada) the government certified childcare centers are excellent and provide top-notch childcare, better than private. If the childcare center was up-to-snuff, I would accept the financial help from my parents and go that route.

A close second would be living with my in-laws. I like my privacy, but if it was short term (i.e., less than 2 years) this option would maybe top my list.

PS: all this is predicated on the assumption that if your parents give you money it is a no-stings-attached gift, and that the in-laws are nice people you can stand to live with

The daycare center is monitored by the government and has some type of certification- thus the high cost. James would basically have a home away from home if he were to go there.

Living with the inlaws would only last as long as it would take for hubby and I to save enough money for a substantial downpayment on our own place. Probably around 20K-30K. I like my privacy too! My inlaws are super nice people though and would go out of their way for any of their (6) children.

Any money received from my parents is no-strings-attached and not a loan. My parents are generous and James is their first grandchild.

 

[Skippy123]

DivaDiamond, I would maybe live w/the inlaws. I don't know the answer but I will keep you and your family in my prayers and congrats on your new little one

eta: I agree w/Miranda's post too!!!

 

[Miranda]

What I would do is make any and all sacrifices so that I could be home with my baby. In fact, that''s what I did. We were super young and didn''t have a lot of money when DS #1 was born. We lived with my parents for a little while so DH could finish up his degree. It was tough at times, but, for the most part it was wonderful. My parents LOVED having a baby in the house and were devistated when we left. Their only wish is/was that we would have moved in when DS #2 and DD were born! My family is a wee bit baby crazy, though. As others have said, you have to do what is most OK to you.

And ditto this:
"There is never enough money for a child - what''s important is that he is loved and cherished."

Finances usually have a way of working themselves out. Good luck!

 

[phoenixgirl]

I''d personally live with the in-laws unless you a) really can''t stand the thought, b) don''t want to stop working, or c) find a perfectly located and affordable center you''re comfortable with. But it sounds like it gives you the freedom to work or not, and to save a moderate amount (if you stay home) or a lot (if you work PT) and will get you in a house sooner.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 8/11/2008 3:00:57 PM
Author: Kaleigh

Date: 8/11/2008 2:57:28 PM
Author: Pandora II
The cost of childcare these days in astronomical!

In London it''s about $1.6k a month on average for a shared childminder and a good nursery is about $3k a month.

Is there any way that you could find a job that would enable you to work from home? I''m hoping to spend my maternity leave year setting up a business from home so that I can be at home and work. We absolutely couldn''t afford for me not to work.

On the parents idea, in Italy this is not only common, it''s usual! If their house is big enough that you won''t be on top of each other, I say go for it!


Purrfectpear, I don''t think your comments about whether the OP can/cannot afford to have a child are really relevant in the slightest and strike me as rather unkind and unhelpful.

Yes Purrfectpear, your comment regarding the child was most unkind, and really no help at all.

Wow, hey, no kidding!

Piggybacking on what Linda said...parents love their kids and really just want to help out. To tell you how insane my mother is, she offered to help watch Amelia (I work from home so it would be lovely to see her more.) I offered to pay her money, and she got totally insulted and upset when I insisted. When my father died, I think she realized she wanted a day or two to enjoy HER LIFE, finally, so she asked if she could come watch Amelia 3 days a week and could I find help the other two days. I said, of course I would...she needed to enjoy her life! So then she tells me SHE would pay ME $300 a week to help pay for childcare because she was shirking on her responsibility! Keep in mind she has no income and lives off Social Security (I used to support her more financially, but it has been tough going since I got married and we''re saving for a house.

)

"MA! WHAT DRUGS ARE YOU ON???!" was my reply.

Diva, I really feel for you. I am returning to work next Wednesday and I always thought I would NEVER want to be a SAHM. Well, 4.5 months into Amelia''s life, there is nothing else I would rather be. I am just so in love with her and even though I work at home, I want to give 100% of my attention to her. But because I love her, I know I have to go back to work and keep saving money to buy her a house with a yard she can play in.

If I were in your shoes, personally, I''d live with the inlaws...until I sit here and really think about what that means...and then I''d reconsider and take the $400...and then I''d feel guilty. There is no easy answer, but if the solution is temporary and you can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I would bite the bullet and take either option and scrimp and save every penny. Just remind yourself that everyone is doing their best for James and that is all you can ask for...even if it means trying to keep sane living with inlaws.

(btw, living with inlaws means possible on the fly babysitters...always a huge plus!!)

Good luck Diva!!

 

[Independent Gal]

It does sound like living with the in-laws for a bit may be the best plan! Focus, and have a ''leaving date'', as in "we''ll save X money by date y" and then it won''t seem so bad.

It will be nice for them to have James there and nice for you to have the help. It sounds like that''s what you want too!

 

[Efe]

Do they have any outbuildings on the 10 acres that could be easily converted to living space, or even sleeping quarters? That way you could have some privacy.

 

[janinegirly]

hi diva,

these are some tough questions, and ones many of us are dealing with with a first child and being a working mom,etc. Everyone comes up with their own, most workable solution and there''s no right and wrong (just alot of opinions!).

I think there are 2 things we all deal with--what is most important to you in order to be happy vs. what is smartest financially. In the end, it comes down to priorities. You can''t worry about all the side issues, b/c there is no perfect solution (unless we were all gazzilionaires and could do as we please!). So if for you,what would make you most happy is having personal space and some time at home with the baby--then find the closest to that ideal you can make work and don''t beat yourself up about what you are giving up in the process. Alternatively, if what makes you most happy is staying home full time and saving for a house, then move in with the in-laws.

However, do not just move in with them thinking you can handle "sacrifices" (ie being miserable) in order to have a what you really want at a later date. B/c misery can do more damage then having less money,etc. It can affect your relationsihp with DH and it all snowballs from there. My vague suggestion i guess is to identify the 2 most important things to you and try to achieve that alone.

For us, we are also planning on living with the ''rents for a month or 2 (mine though, so i''m not so bothered until our new home is ready. However, if it was for an indefinite amount of time..I don''t think we''d do it. I don''t know what we would have done (probably rent something cheaper), but we would have found some compromise. I also plan on going back to work--because to me having a certain standard of living will give us some balance as a family and a couple (ie keep mom and dad happier!), but I''d also like to pare down my work schedule. So it''s alot of give and take and compromise.

Good luck and keep us posted on what you come up with, it''s tough stuff!

 

[diamondsrock]

Well, I can give a bit of advice here since I''ve been down this road. For financial reasons, we lived with DH''s parents after our son was born and moved out when he was around a year and a half. It was not easy. There was a certain comfort and convenience there, always having someone around to watch the baby if I had to run to the store, etc...but at the same time there was some tension as well. We couldn''t really make all the childcare decisions on our own since there were other people there. I remember trying the cry it out method and it not working - dh''s dad was complaining why did we let the baby cry so much? I told him because that''s what the pediatricain told us to do (true). Needless to say we ended up rocking him to sleep every night and he probably didn''t sleep through the night until he was at least two years old since he didn''t know how to go to sleep by himself. No one wanted to hear the baby cry so we went to great lengths to avoid any crying. Also, DH''s elderly grandmother was there and kept giving us her two cents every day, which I did appreciate, but could be trying to the nerves.

Bottom line is there are good and bad points to it. I loved having his family around and ds grew very close to them. They were a huge help to us, allowing us to live there. I did always feel like kind of a burden though, although I''m sure they didn''t feel that way about it. I do remember that time fondly, though, even with all the tension. Keep in mind this was a small house, much smaller than the one you are discussing, so we were in tight quarters so to speak. You could very well have the room you need to have your privacy, etc. I did work part time during this period so I wasn''t home all the time. I would suggest making a list of the pros and cons and going from there. That was very generous of your parents, by the way, to offer that much money towards childcare. They sound like sweet, caring people.

 

[Haven]

I would do whatever it takes to stay home with your child. My parents were poor when they married, and they were still poor when they had me, but my mom stayed home with me until I was 10 and I wouldn''t change that for the world.

And for what it''s worth--my parents pulled it together over time, and although they weren''t able to send me to college, they were able to send my three sisters AND they just paid for my wedding. And as an adult, it''s not the potato dinners and second-hand clothes that I remember, it''s all that time with my mom.

Good luck. I think you''re blessed to have such giving parents, and I wish your family all the best.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

Thank you all so much for your kind responses. Hubby and I are going to explore all of our options before making a definite decision. At the end of the day we have to do what is best for James and I''m leaning toward sacrificing the job and some income in order to spend more time with him - either at my own home or with my inlaws. I will keep everyone posted. Thank you all again.

Diva

 

[moremoremore]

Family is there to help you....I''d take them up on it since it seems like you''ll have plenty of room to be alone too...

Heck, I''d take one of those 10 acres and build a house on it....built in babysitters for life!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Our country has moved so sadly away from the joys & benefits of extended family. I'd say move in IF you get along well with your inlaws. Your child will have a wonderful mulit-generational experience that most kids today miss out on.