RELATIVES and Holidays; What Did They Say?

[iLander]

Do your relatives just spew out whatever pops into their heads? Do they say thoughtless and rude things?

Of COURSE they do!

Here's some of mine;

Showing off my first pair of contacts to my MIL, many years ago, she said "Now all you need is a nose job!"


My aunt to my just turned teenage DD "So,are you enjoying your new boobies?"


My uncle to a guest, just this Thanksgiving;
Guest "I'm a vegetarian",
Uncle "Then why are you so fat?"

My aunt is so famous for her comments, that we all have a $5 bet going when she visits. Whoever receives the most offensive comment, gets the $5. It's the only way to deal with her, otherwise we would have beaten her to death with a turkey leg years ago.


What did your relatives say or do over the years, that still makes you go ?

 

[Jennifer W]

Nothing, really. We're Scottish. Just a little bit to dour and taciturn to offer throwaway comments or unsolicited advice. It takes hours and gallons of whisky to get a party going.

 

[TooPatient]

Food fight in the driveway...... the "adults".

My aunt's ex-husband was invited to family holidays for several years after the divorce -- even after she had re-married and had a kid. (and no, he wasn't some great guy we all loved. There werer some major feelings of discomfort over some "self defense" lessons he'd given us nieces). That provided for some great conversations at the dinner table

I got to unwrap a bra for my birthday in front of everyone (including my then BF). Followed by an electric razor and deodorant. I vaguely remember my grandmother wondering if she'd gotten the right size and that I'd "grow into it".

Grandma talked for a long while one Thanksgiving about the tattoo she wanted. On her breast. And her concerns about what age and gravity would do to said tattoo

The conversation between my father and grandmother (his mother) about how long it had been since he and his GF had... um

 

[asscherisme]

About a year after my second child was born, my grandfather hosted a huge Thanksgiving party because thanksgiving fell on his 80th birthday that year. I was seated directly across from my aunt. At a huge table and in a very loud voice she says to me "Asscher, you have gained so much weight since you got married- you use to have a really cute figure. Such a shame, such a shame". I was mortified because I was SOOOO self concious of my bigger figure at the time. My whole life my weight has yoyoed to the extremes of fat and thin and I was beyond mortified that she called me fat in a loud and public way. Thankfully my kids were too young to realize what she said.

Rule of thumb for families (and anyone else) never ever ever ever tell someone they have gained weight. Believe me, they KNOW!

 

[asscherisme]

Food fight in the driveway...... the "adults".

My aunt's ex-husband was invited to family holidays for several years after the divorce -- even after she had re-married and had a kid. (and no, he wasn't some great guy we all loved. There werer some major feelings of discomfort over some "self defense" lessons he'd given us nieces). That provided for some great conversations at the dinner table

I got to unwrap a bra for my birthday in front of everyone (including my then BF). Followed by an electric razor and deodorant. I vaguely remember my grandmother wondering if she'd gotten the right size and that I'd "grow into it".

Grandma talked for a long while one Thanksgiving about the tattoo she wanted. On her breast. And her concerns about what age and gravity would do to said tattoo

The conversation between my father and grandmother (his mother) about how long it had been since he and his GF had... um

All of it, wow. But especially eeeewwww on the last part!!

 

[iLander]

About a year after my second child was born, my grandfather hosted a huge Thanksgiving party because thanksgiving fell on his 80th birthday that year. I was seated directly across from my aunt. At a huge table and in a very loud voice she says to me "Asscher, you have gained so much weight since you got married- you use to have a really cute figure. Such a shame, such a shame". I was mortified because I was SOOOO self concious of my bigger figure at the time. My whole life my weight has yoyoed to the extremes of fat and thin and I was beyond mortified that she called me fat in a loud and public way. Thankfully my kids were too young to realize what she said.

Rule of thumb for families (and anyone else) never ever ever ever tell someone they have gained weight. Believe me, they KNOW!

I read this to my DH and he agreed that it was just plain cruel.

He also said that you should have said to her "And you used to be so NICE and now you're just a nasty old bag of cats. Such a shame, such a shame. "

 

[ame]

I am both embarrassed for some of you and laughing at this thread now because OMG I can relate.

The biggest concerns I have family wise are year round, not just the holidays, and are usually comments made by my parents, esp my mom. Some of you might recall from before my absence that my mom and dad went to dinner with my DH and I and his mom when she was in town. My mom spent the entire time telling my MIL, and the entire section of the restaurant we were in how grotesque my figure had become and how I used to be thin and cute, and that she bets me $100 I can't fit back into my prom dresses again in her lifetime. I stopped eating and then got to hear about being wasteful about the food I had ordered. Then when we're leaving my mom is all "I want DQ lets get some icecream!" and my MIL and DH were like "we'll pass" and my mom gets all "well them come along!" So we go and she's trying to push them into ordering. I was upset and depressed and since I am already morbidly obese apparently, I had some. And then I got to hear again how I was repulsive. When we got in the car, just the three of us (DH, MIL and I) I was SILENT, the entire trip back home. My MIL was like...I don't even know how to react to that. I would NEVER have said something like that to SIL.

I had to hold it all in because I almost lost it in the restaurant. My MIL was just mortified and could not BELIEVE my mom said that. And that my dad kind of agreed along with her comments. The people seated around us were all like "OMG" also.

My MIL STILL brings up how hurtful that was for her to see my parents say that to me, and that her parents used to do and say similar when she was younger.

I do have a couple creepy uncles, whose comments mortify and gross out their own children, let alone the rest of us.

ETA: I think I also need to avoid little kids My nephew called me Aunt Blobby during our Thanksgiving trip last year. Because Im big and round.

 

[asscherisme]

About a year after my second child was born, my grandfather hosted a huge Thanksgiving party because thanksgiving fell on his 80th birthday that year. I was seated directly across from my aunt. At a huge table and in a very loud voice she says to me "Asscher, you have gained so much weight since you got married- you use to have a really cute figure. Such a shame, such a shame". I was mortified because I was SOOOO self concious of my bigger figure at the time. My whole life my weight has yoyoed to the extremes of fat and thin and I was beyond mortified that she called me fat in a loud and public way. Thankfully my kids were too young to realize what she said.

Rule of thumb for families (and anyone else) never ever ever ever tell someone they have gained weight. Believe me, they KNOW!

I read this to my DH and he agreed that it was just plain cruel.

He also said that you should have said to her "And you used to be so NICE and now you're just a nasty old bag of cats. Such a shame, such a shame. "

So true. Another would have been "I can lose the weight but you will still be mean". But in the moment, I was just too stunned and embarrased to say anything. It was 12 years ago. I'm over it

 

[Porridge]

Oh god, also cringing and laughing here!

Mine isn't a shocker exactly, but it's funny and it was said by a relative over the holidays.

My littlest cousin was about 3 or 4 I guess, and us "adults" were having christmas dinner while the kids played in the living room. My littlest cousin was trying to read this book that taught kids about body parts, and his older brother must have been helping him I guess because I think he was too young to read much at the time... Aaaaanyway, next thing he comes running into the dining room and up to the table with a look of pure delight and revelation on his face. Literally it was like there was a lightbulb over his head, he had just made a huge discovery and the world suddenly made sense to him. So he runs up, pointing at this book (the source of all worldly knowledge) and exclaims:

"IT'S A PENIS!!!

As if to say "That's what that is, I've been wondering what the hell was going on down there! Turns out it's a penis, it says so right here in this book!"

Omg it was so funny we just fell about the place laughing. He's 18 now and we still tease him about it.

 

[packrat]

One of my Gramma's told me a few years ago when we were over visiting that I needed to bring a picture over. I said why? You've got all kinds of pictures of me here. "Because you're so fat now, I don't recognize you when you come in"

My dad told me one time, after having been on a diet and shed some weight "Nice to see you losing some of that weight-you don't look pregnant anymore" , cupped his hand and mimed a big round stomach. He'd stopped over a couple times while I was working out (Insanity, you know that's a killer workout) and would make smarmy comments about how I needed to keep at it b/c I should know how hard it is to lose blah blah.

After we got married we said we would take over the Thanksgiving hosting duties. We did one year and then the following year it just so happened I was due to have our first child on the 30th. We didn't want the extra stress during that time, nor did we want to commit to hosting just in case the baby came early. My aunt, who had hosted for years, was M-A-D and said that was ridiculous, even if I was up in the hospital, there was no reason why JD couldn't leave to make them food, I was being selfish. Guess what Aunt--that beef roast you thought was so good the year before? It was BEAR. Pbbbbtttt.

 

[Circe]

Dear sweet weeping creeping saints alive - I had NO IDEA people could be so nasty about weight. NONE. And here I thought it was bad that, 4 days post-partum, when my folks came over my dad got a concerned look on his face and said, sotto voce, "Honey ... your stomach! It's still big!"

It was like, yeah, Dad, that's what happens - it doesn't all just retract immediately! Oy. Also, I knew before you did - do people really imagine that we're not aware of our own bodies? Or - my Dad, who is famous for thinking I'm still about 4 years old and incapable of any day-to-day activities without guidance (which is a whole 'nother can of worms) excluded, since I guess it came from a place of concern that I might be unwell and just not have noticed - that it is any of their damned business? Y'all have the patience and fortitude of ... I don't even know what. Things with patience and fortitude. If they do it again, you should totally bite them, just as the lions Patience and Fortitude would. Enough is enough!

With my parents, it's unfortunate political commentary. I'll refrain from giving examples, but it makes me want to hide under the table.

 

[luv2sparkle]

The first 10 years we were married, when we would go over to my in-laws house, my MIL would wait till my DH was out of the room and then she would say hurtful things to me. She often commented on my weight, which can I say was at least 100 less than hers and maybe
15-20 over where I should be. I can't tell you how many times I cried all the way home.

For years my DH didn't see it. He couldn't imagine his mom being like that. Maybe 7 years ago we were at their house visiting and a subject came up and she lit into me. Even DH Dad got on her case about it later. Now, DH never leaves my side at their house. That is funny now, because it no longer bothers me. She is a wonderful woman and I love her dearly. I think it comes from places she was emotionally wounded, and really doesn't have all that much to do with me. I just forgive her and move on.

I had an uncle whom I adored. In the last years of his life, I would be a wreck about a week after seeing him or just talking to him on the phone. A teary emotional wreck. He was so hurtful. I am not sorry he is gone. I don't know how much longer I could have maintained any
kind of relationship with him. His last jab to me was in his will. Even in death he wanted to hurt me. How messed up is that?!

 

[LJL]

Every Christmas - and lots of holiday before I moved far far away- I would get berated for any and everything. I am actually immune to being called fat at this point - both in front of other family and in front of my SO. And I'm actually not that fat. Very few people would see me and think I'm fat. And I'm definitely not as fat as many of the family members who have called me fat.

For the most part, the bad things that my family members say to me are things I can't repeat on this board! Very common to have big blowouts at Christmas. In particular, I have one of those crazy aunts - well, she was just that crazy aunt and then she got cracked/meth'ed out and went to jail and got out and blamed everyone else for her problems. She has a lot of problems and doesn't believe she needs help - takes money from family members for drugs, performs sexual acts for tattoos, etc etc. My mother has promised me that she will not be invited when I come home anymore but she invites her anyways. My mom thinks its her fault that her sister turned out so badly and ignores the fact that her sister tries to ruin every family gathering by viciously verbally attacking everyone.


So so happy I live so far away. I will be extra happy when I have kids and have a built-in excuse NOT to fly home. I'm very happiness-driven so it is hard for me to willingly put myself in bad situations. I got tricked into it this year but I'm hoping its my last Christmas until she kicks the bucket. I will come back and tell you what she says this Christmas if it is PS-acceptable.

 

[Lady_Disdain]

My grandmother wants to be a great grandmother very badly - from the day I was born, I think. She also only has two grandchildren, my sister and I. So, no pressure, right?

By the time I was in college, she was desperate. My sister had received a job offer in a different city and I was in my hardest year of college, driving myself crazy with studying, doing research, etc. Dear grandmother turns to me and says she wants a great grandchild. I tell her to go talk to my older sister. She answers:

"Oh, but your sister has a career! So now it is up to you to give me babies."

Thank you for telling me that I was supposed to be a walking, talking womb. Yes, I am still bitter about that.

 

[ladypirate]

Last January my husband and I flew out to Florida to attend his aunt's inauguration as commodore of her yacht club. It was a black tie event and I got a dress for the occasion that happened to be backless. The next day we were out having a picnic on the boat and his uncle's sister asked if I was cold. I said that I was fine (given that I'm used to the weather in the Pacific Northwest!) and she said, "Well, yeah--I mean, you were prancing around here half-naked last night!"



I was so shocked, I didn't even know what to say. I just sort of half-laughed and high tailed it in the other direction.

 

[Laila619]

My grandmother is very blunt. One Thanksgiving, when I was a teenager, my face was a bit broken out and I was very self-conscious. As I was reaching for another roll at the dinner table, my grandma said "Stop eating so many rolls! That's why your face is so red."

 

[ladypirate]

Oh! I thought of another one. The first year DH and I were dating, we had Thanksgiving with both our families together. One of his friends had just had a kid and we were talking about what a sweet baby she was. His grandma looks at us, in front of everyone, and goes, "Liz, Kris, do you have something to tell us???" Mortifying.

 

[JewelFreak]

The first thing my MIL said to me when we arrived in Holland for the 1st time in about a year: "You're fat."

They came to visit us in San Francisco once -- were not invited again, at least by me -- DH is proudly showing her around our house when she points to a candle wall sconce I'd had for years & says (me standing right there), "Oh, you still have that ugly thing on the wall, huh?"

I could not stand that woman, actually suffered when in the same room with her, for 30 yrs. Never once did I hear her say a nice thing about anyone not related to her by blood. Including her other DIL, who lived half an hour away, and was SO nice to her & thoughtful & compassionate. She was a poor excuse for a human being, in my mind. I did not feel sad at all when she died (at 86) and am not embarrassed to say so.

Boy, that vent felt good!

--- Laurie

 

[Missy]

Laurie, so sorry you had to deal with her- she sounds pretty bad. And really sorry about all the people here who have to/had to endure comments about weight. Really none of their darn business!

LOL I can think of so many unfortunately. Many years ago when dh and I were dating we celebrated easter with his friends and his friend's family and his mother (my future MIL). Well, my future MIL and our friend's father were chatting and suddenly they brought up how much they admired the jewish people. How we value education and yada yada yada. They looked at me and I wasn't sure what I was supposed to say or do so I just said yes, we do value education. (That might not sound bad to some of you but I know prejudice when I am subjected to it and believe me that was what it was disguised as a compliment).

Another time my dh (we were dating still and not engaged) and I were throwing a party at the shore and his mom was visiting and she had one too many if you KWIM. Friends and I were chatting about the show Queer Eye for the Straight Guy and his mom violently said that's disgusting (loudly to me) and everyone was sort of in shock and it got real uncomfortable.

That Monday after the party my dh called his mom and asked her if she had a problem with me (as she was so rude to me the night of the party and the discussion of the show was just the catalyst). And she said yes. That she didn't raise her son as a choir boy to go to Catholic school to be with a "jewish" girl. Seriously that is what she said.

Well, my dh showed me who he was very clearly that day. He told his mother that I was going to be in his life no matter what and if she wanted to be a part of his life she had better be respectful and civil to me or she would no longer be a part of his life. I always knew who he was but that just reinforced the wonderful man that he is. Not an easy situation for anyone but my dh did not have to think twice about what to do. And since then she has been for the most part fine with me. She gets better each year and she is my dh's mother so I do want to have a relationship with her and who knows. She may actually like me a little bit by now (over 12 years later).

 

[iheartscience]

The first thing my MIL said to me when we arrived in Holland for the 1st time in about a year: "You're fat."

They came to visit us in San Francisco once -- were not invited again, at least by me -- DH is proudly showing her around our house when she points to a candle wall sconce I'd had for years & says (me standing right there), "Oh, you still have that ugly thing on the wall, huh?"

I could not stand that woman, actually suffered when in the same room with her, for 30 yrs. Never once did I hear her say a nice thing about anyone not related to her by blood. Including her other DIL, who lived half an hour away, and was SO nice to her & thoughtful & compassionate. She was a poor excuse for a human being, in my mind. I did not feel sad at all when she died (at 86) and am not embarrassed to say so.

Boy, that vent felt good!

--- Laurie

Wow-she sounds like a nightmare! I can't say I'd miss a MIL like that either! (Now I'm feeling grateful for my MIL-she has good intentions!)

 

[makemepretty]

This isn't something someone said but something they did. I was hosting the Christmas party so I spent the past month shining up my house, dusting, making it spotless. I don't have the biggest house or the nicest but I try my hardest to make it the best I can. I also made cookies & candies and a Christmas dinner for all 18 guests coming(half of those kids). Then we got to the present part. All the kids start to open their presents from Grandpa(my dad) and I start to notice the mess. Shredded paper confetti...everywhere. He put it in all the presents to be funny. It was everywhere, it got tracked everywhere in every single room because it stuck to socks and clothes and people.

So, not only did I spend a month preparing for the party but then after it, I had the pleasure of cleaning for an extra hour.

 

[Gypsy]

I read this to my DH and he agreed that it was just plain cruel.

He also said that you should have said to her "And you used to be so NICE and now you're just a nasty old bag of cats. Such a shame, such a shame. "

My poor CATS have better manners. Don't blame the cats!

 

[Kaleigh]

It was Thanksgiving. I was at my Aunt's house and was really excited to see my brother.

I got there, with DH and my kids in tow. My brother drove from NYC where he lived snce he was 16. I was so excited to see him. He was 6 years older than me, so we didn't really grow up together...

I asked my Aunt, where is he??

She took me aside, and said he's not feeling well... He's upstairs in bed...

I ran up to see him. I walked in, and saw something I wasn't prepared for. I was hugging him, but trying to hold back the tears....

My mother came in, grabbed my arm and pinched me....

Pinched me really hard. She said this is a party, and YOU will not ruin it...

Umm, I just saw my brother , and knew he's very sick, dying of the AIDS virus.. And you want me to come down stairs and make like all is fine??

I had no words then, and have none now. I wished I had pinched her back and told her to F off..

 

[ladypirate]

It was Thanksgiving. I was at my Aunt's house and was really excited to see my brother.

I got there, with DH and my kids in tow. My brother drove from NYC where he lived snce he was 16. I was so excited to see him. He was 6 years older than me, so we didn't really grow up together...

I asked my Aunt, where is he??

She took me aside, and said he's not feeling well... He's upstairs in bed...

I ran up to see him. I walked in, and saw something I wasn't prepared for. I was hugging him, but trying to hold back the tears....

My mother came in, grabbed my arm and pinched me....

Pinched me really hard. She said this is a party, and YOU will not ruin it...

Umm, I just saw my brother , and knew he's very sick, dying of the AIDS virus.. And you want me to come down stairs and make like all is fine??

I had no words then, and have none now. I wished I had pinched her back and told her to F off..

Wow, Kaleigh--that is inexcusable! I'm so sorry.

 

[pregcurious]

After we a baby, I was talking to my MIL about moving back to the state where my husband and I grew up, and where she lives. (Foolish me, I thought it might be *nice* to be near my husband's family.) Her only response was "if you move RIGHT next to me, I will not be responsible for taking care of X!" This is after she invited herself to our house after the birth of our baby, and insisted we cancel the baby sitter I had scheduled to help me. She made a _big_ deal of doing laundry, and chided me not for coming to dinner on time when I was bed ridden after having given birth. The irony is since then she has invited herself over again, insisted we cancel a sitter, then left me in a bind for a 5 hour shopping trip which started with an "emergency" trip to the pharmacy which my FIL needed and she ridiculed. I'm grateful for people who come to help but not those who think they can walk all over me for it and act like it's the most horrible thing.

My husband said something to her about this statement, and we have both said things in response to her negative and outright rude comments about and towards people who are not white, people who don't speak English/have accents, women working, and disabled people. She either denies saying things, says that's the way she was brought up, or says we're taking things out of context ( those deaf people didn't see her making fun of them!). The next visit she made a point of saying that she would be happy to take care of our child whenever we needed. No thanks. In another visit, she complained about being treated differently when she visited Spain even though she spoke Spanish (!), and I said, yeah, it's really horrible when people do that. I said it's horrible when people say "oh that person doesn't even speak English!" and she agreed (even though she's said it herself.) There's no rhyme or reason to her--she just says things based on the world revolving around her and she will say and do whatever to put down others and make herself feel better.

Kaleigh, I wish I too had had some snappy comebacks to my MIL, but I've come to realize that people like this are not worth lowering oneself. Some people are selfish to the point of being borderline psychotic towards others.

 

[aviastar]

I was lucky enough (*ahem*) to have both my younger sisters get married within two months of each other one summer. While across the country to attend the first sister's wedding and meeting my BIL's, overall lovely, family and friends and I was asked no less than 10 times if I "was the sister who isn't getting married?"

What's worse- when I answered in the affirmative, the very next thing out of their mouth, without fail, was "Don't worry, you'll be next." Um, yea- by default, I'm the only sister left and why in the hell is my whole life being judged by you in two seconds based on my marital status?!?

I try very hard to remember than these very well meaning people probably (hopefully) actually meant "The sister who isn't gettting married in two months" simply as a way to differentiate between two people they had heard about, but never met.

However, I did leave that weekend feeling very small and more than a little resentful that it wouldn't have been polite to answer how I really wanted to: "Yes, I am the sister finishing her Masters' and running my own business."

Some people are truly offensive, but I have found in my life, most are simply thoughtless and I do try to remember that I can choose not to be offended if I believe they didn't mean it offensively. Some of your stories, however...truly, horribly, offensive. I am so sorry everyone has to deal with these things!