Wedding Really angry and need to vent big time

[Shoopy]

I found all of this out this morning while dropping my mom off at the bus stop to go home. She was visiting this weekend to help plan the wedding.

Before my dad passed away, he was the go-to person for his entire family (4 brothers and 2 sisters). Evicted? No problem, stay with us. No money? No problem, here’s half the paycheck. I found out today that after all that my father did for them, not one of them helped my mother with funeral costs. This entire time I thought the veterans took care of the funeral/burial but it turns out they only gave $250 and my mom had to pay $9,000

.

My mom wanted to bury him in Kissimmee where it was cheaper and closer to home. His family felt he deserved to be buried in the veterans cemetery 3 hours away from the house which cost $2,000 that none of them paid for. They felt that my father deserved to have a proper ceremony so they wanted limos to “keep everyone together”. So my mom got limos for the entire family (15 limos in total) to drive us all 3 hours away and 3 hours back. The food while they were there, my grandmother’s clothing, the ceremony all came out of my mom’s pocket

. And to top it off, one of my aunts got mad at my mother for not giving her money for her and her family’s airfare back home

. I asked my mom why she would even entertain the idea of paying for all of this and she said that she felt my father deserved it and the last thing she was going to do was fight with them during that time. She said she was so numb with pain and heartache and at the same time trying to be strong for us that she just did whatever they told her to do.

How can they do that? Their own brother! They knew she was left with 3 small children and they all had money but not one of them helped. After all he did for them all of those years.

And to think all those church donations and making ends meet and seeing my mom cry when she couldn’t put together a thanksgiving without any help from his family…

There really is no point to all of this except that I don’t think I’ve ever been this angry in my entire life. And I know there isn''t much I can do about it now but it just hit me that I''m stressing over the guest list because of them when they really are just horrible people. So...I think my guest list is about to lose some weight

.

 

[Clairitek]

Date: 10/12/2008 8:16:25 AM
Author:fieryred33143
I found all of this out this morning while dropping my mom off at the bus stop to go home. She was visiting this weekend to help plan the wedding.


Before my dad passed away, he was the go-to person for his entire family (4 brothers and 2 sisters). Evicted? No problem, stay with us. No money? No problem, here’s half the paycheck. I found out today that after all that my father did for them, not one of them helped my mother with funeral costs. This entire time I thought the veterans took care of the funeral/burial but it turns out they only gave $250 and my mom had to pay $9,000

.


My mom wanted to bury him in Kissimmee where it was cheaper and closer to home. His family felt he deserved to be buried in the veterans cemetery 3 hours away from the house which cost $2,000 that none of them paid for. They felt that my father deserved to have a proper ceremony so they wanted limos to “keep everyone together”. So my mom got limos for the entire family (15 limos in total) to drive us all 3 hours away and 3 hours back. The food while they were there, my grandmother’s clothing, the ceremony all came out of my mom’s pocket

. And to top it off, one of my aunts got mad at my mother for not giving her money for her and her family’s airfare back home

. I asked my mom why she would even entertain the idea of paying for all of this and she said that she felt my father deserved it and the last thing she was going to do was fight with them during that time. She said she was so numb with pain and heartache and at the same time trying to be strong for us that she just did whatever they told her to do.

How can they do that? Their own brother! They knew she was left with 3 small children and they all had money but not one of them helped. After all he did for them all of those years.

And to think all those church donations and making ends meet and seeing my mom cry when she couldn’t put together a thanksgiving without any help from his family…

There really is no point to all of this except that I don’t think I’ve ever been this angry in my entire life. And I know there isn''t much I can do about it now but it just hit me that I''m stressing over the guest list because of them when they really are just horrible people. So...I think my guest list is about to lose some weight

.

I''m really sorry to hear about this Fiery. I am in shock that his siblings would behave this way. Your mom sounds like a really tolerant, nice person.

In regards to your guest list- it doesn''t seem like you will have trouble paring it down a little. I know you''ve mentioned in the past that you didn''t feel great about inviting your father''s family. Keep us posted on what you ultimately decide to do about them.

 

[LaraOnline]

OMG this is the kind of story that makes me feel so bad about extended families... why are people so selfish, especially to in-laws???
It''s probably just a kind of self-satisfied selfishness... perhaps they''re not truly evil... just ... ignorant.

They were happy to assume ''the insurance'' covered it, I guess.

 

[bee*]

That would make me really angry too. Sending hugs and vent as much as you like.

 

[princesss]

I''m not certain I would be able to be around anybody that did that for a very very long time. I''m so sorry to hear that, Fiery. *hugs*

 

[meresal]

Fiery, a good vent always ends with a

. Your situstion would really bother me as well. I''m sorry.

This seems like a great reason to chip away at that guest list!!

 

[lliang_chi]

Fiery,

Man oh man, I''d be super pissed too. But now you really have no feelings of "guilt" for axing the guest list down to a more manageable number. Huge hugs and your mom sounds like a rock star super hero of a mom. Mad props to her.

 

[mimzy]

wow fiery! isn''t it funny the things you find out about people so much later?

your mom sounds like a great person. i''m sorry it had to be because of this, but i''m glad you''ll have less stress about your guest list!

 

[Bia]

Axe ''em...

And don''t feel guilty about it!

*Hugs* sweetie

 

[luvthemstrawberries]

Date: 10/13/2008 12:06:21 PM
Author: meresal
Fiery, a good vent always ends with a

. Your situstion would really bother me as well. I''m sorry.

This seems like a great reason to chip away at that guest list!!

I totally agree with this - it was at least a beneficial vent if you ended with a

!

I feel for you. My FI''s dad passed away years ago when he was just becoming a legal adult. His parents had been separated long before that, and he grew up with just his dad and his dad''s parents nextdoor. When all the legal stuff came around after his dad passed, you''d think he''d get to live in the house he grew up in (which was legally his). But his long-gone family came after him, with legal suits for the property and everything. And he got no help from anybody as far as splitting up possessions, only pressure and stress while he had just lost his dad. He ended up selling everything and moving to the city. I didn''t know him then, but I feel so much for him anytime we have to see some of his family, and especially when he talks about his dad. His dad was a wonderful man who raised the fantastic man I get to spend my life with. He didn''t deserve all that heartache, but we know all things happen for a reason. He''s since "mended" things (as much as possible) with those that came after him way back then, but you never forget. I realize that after hearing him talk.

Just thought I''d offer a story, and tell you to not feel bad at all about chopping down that guest list! If you''re not close to these people, don''t feel one ounce of obligation to have them there. A wedding is about joining you and your FI, not inviting certain people you maybe are "supposed to" have there, especially if they remind you of all this. Well, only other thing I can say is to try to forgive (grudges eat away at you) and get it out of your head and heart for this wonderful event you have coming up! Sending hugs

 

[luvthemstrawberries]

PS Very cute puppy!!

 

[Shoopy]

Thank you LTS for sharing your story. Your FI sounds like a very patient and great man!

And thanks for the sympathy everyone. I was just really angry yesterday but I'm fine about it today. I didn't tell FI about what my mother had said until a few hours later (he was asleep so I didn't want to wake him). His response was "I don't know why you are so surprised." I don't know why I was so surprised either. I guess I was just shocked since for the past 13 years I thought the VA had covered it.

My mom told me a bunch of other stuff I didn't know about either. She mentioned how at her wedding, my aunt (dad's older sister) took over the entire planning. She picked out the venue which my mother hated, picked out the BM dresses again that my mother hated, and even made herself the MOH. My mom had no family in the US at the time (she was the first to come over) so the entire wedding was my dad's family. And to top it off, my dad had saved up over $15K for the wedding while he was in the army and when he came home, he found out that my grandfather had gambled all of his money so my mom had to pay for the whole thing herself. So she got a wedding that she hated and spent her own money to do it.

The reason why she told me all of this was not to drag my dad's family through the mud but to make sure that I do what I want to do for the wedding. And that's just what I'm going to do...as soon as I can grow the cojones to do so LOL

 

[dragonfly411]

Fiery - I''m sorry that happened.... hugs!

 

[PrincessDijon]

*Hugs* for Fiery....

Sorry to hear about what happened.....Easy way to trim the guest list I suppose...

 

[luvthemstrawberries]

Hey Fiery, no problem. I guess the point in sharing my story, and it makes even more sense with what you''ve added that your Mom also told you about her wedding and all, was that these people just do terrible things, and we have no earthly idea why in the world they act that way. I can''t even fathom acting like that to someone who''d just lost their husband or father. It breaks my heart to think about. But something I''ve learned from my FI is that there''s absolutely nothing we can do about it. It makes me so mad to think about how his family could do that to him, but he''s obviously gotten over it (as much as possible) and has moved on. Like I said before, he hasn''t forgotten it, but he''s done worrying with it. I know that he has grown from that experience, and the biggest thing is that he KNOWS, no questions, what is important in life and what isn''t. He values all the right things in life. He is a very patient and great man, and a lot of that is because of a lot of stuff he''s gone through. Your FI sounds like a great guy too - sounds like he definitely has it all in order if his response to you was "what are you so upset about"

because he probably knows you''re better off without that family there. Well, in any case, I hope you get the guts to cut down the list and I hope you have a GREAT time planning the wedding and getting married!