Wedding Random stationery-related questions

[newbie124]

OK, so I have a bunch of questions around save the dates/invitations that I''m hoping I can get some more clear answers to...

- When sending STDs to couples who don''t live together, do we need to send one to each person (even if we''ve never met the sig other) or just the one we''re closest to? Would it be different if we''re equally close to both? If the latter, do we address it just to the one person or both people? (This question also goes for if we decide to save some trees and forgo inner envelopes with the formal invites).

*My friend just indicated that she might have put one person''s name on the 1st line and their sig other on the 2nd line of the same envelope and mailed to the 1st person''s address. (As opposed to both names on the same line for couples living together.) Has anyone heard of this option?

- If a married woman has not changed her name, should I go with "Mr. John Smith and Mrs. Betty Rubble"? or would it also be OK to use Mr. and Mrs. John Smith"? (Although the modern-day part of me prefers to see the woman''s name, esthetically I''d rather save some room when possible and not crowd the envelope with long names.)

- Should names on the STDs be spelled out as formally as they would for the invitations?

- We are including a hotel insert with the STDs that just gives the hotel location and our website for more info. Would it seem weird to include this w/ the STDs even if we''re not including anything else yet, like map/schedule/etc.? We''re actually not even listing the venue info on the STD, just the general area ("Napa Valley, CA").

- We are only offering a beef entree and a vegetarian entree. Should I actually spell them out on the RSVPs or just have a line that says something like "Please indicate any dietary restrictions"? Personally, I prefer to not have anything about meals on the card since I think it adds clutter and makes it look less formal...but I guess it''s kind of necessary in case someone who''s not a vegetarian decides they''d prefer the veg option. I wish there was a better way to do it, though.

 

[Haven]

- When sending STDs to couples who don''t live together, do we need to send one to each person (even if we''ve never met the sig other) or just the one we''re closest to? Would it be different if we''re equally close to both? If the latter, do we address it just to the one person or both people? (This question also goes for if we decide to save some trees and forgo inner envelopes with the formal invites).

You should send a separate save-the-date to each person if they do not live together. If you choose to send it to just one person, then I suppose it would be best to include the significant other''s name on the address so your friend knows that the SO will be invited.

Your formal invites should absolutely be sent separately to each individual if they live at different addresses.


*My friend just indicated that she might have put one person''s name on the 1st line and their sig other on the 2nd line of the same envelope and mailed to the 1st person''s address. (As opposed to both names on the same line for couples living together.) Has anyone heard of this option?

I don''t think there is a right or wrong with this one because technically you should be sending out two separate cards. So if you choose to do this, do what you like best!

- If a married woman has not changed her name, should I go with ''Mr. John Smith and Mrs. Betty Rubble''? or would it also be OK to use Mr. and Mrs. John Smith''? (Although the modern-day part of me prefers to see the woman''s name, esthetically I''d rather save some room when possible and not crowd the envelope with long names.)

I checked with Letitia Baldrige on this one, here''s the verdict:
If the couple is married and the woman has kept her name, use:
Mr. Charles Edward Prentice and Ms. Amy Sturgis Kendl
The "and" indicates that they are married

If they are unmarried but live together, put their names on separate lines, and place on the top line the name that comes first in the alphabet:
Ms. Caroline Breckinridge Murray
Mr. David Adam Thornton

- Should names on the STDs be spelled out as formally as they would for the invitations?

I would match the level of formality of the save-the-dates. If you have formal save-the-dates, then yes.

- We are including a hotel insert with the STDs that just gives the hotel location and our website for more info. Would it seem weird to include this w/ the STDs even if we''re not including anything else yet, like map/schedule/etc.? We''re actually not even listing the venue info on the STD, just the general area (''Napa Valley, CA'').

I don''t think this would seem weird at all, as the only pertinent info at this point would be the hotel information. I think it''s rather helpful.

- We are only offering a beef entree and a vegetarian entree. Should I actually spell them out on the RSVPs or just have a line that says something like ''Please indicate any dietary restrictions''? Personally, I prefer to not have anything about meals on the card since I think it adds clutter and makes it look less formal...but I guess it''s kind of necessary in case someone who''s not a vegetarian decides they''d prefer the veg option. I wish there was a better way to do it, though.

This is a tough one, since I''m with you in that I''d rather not mention the menu at all on a response card. Perhaps you can just have an option to check something if the guest is vegetarian? Sorry, I''m not much help with this one.

Have fun choosing all of your stationery, that was my favorite part!

 

[violet02]

I thought the general rule was to send the invite to the person you're friends or closer to and put the SO's name on the invite as well. There are a lot of friends where we're close to the one and only know their SO through that friend, some of the SO's are pretty new as well. If we had to send everyone a separate invite we'd be adding a TON more invites since I have so many non-married friends.

ALSO i thought if the woman was married and kept her maiden name she was still a Mrs.... are you sure they're just a Ms. I seem to recall my planner sending me an etiquette guide to this effect.

 

[newbie124]

Thanks, Haven! All this invitation stuff gets confusing!

I'd be OK with sending separate save the dates/invites to non-cohabitating couples where we know both people. It does feel odd, though, to be sending an invitation to a complete stranger. I guess that's when those inner envelopes come in handy...except they're not used for save-the-dates, so that's why I'm not really sure what to do about those.

Most of the guides I've read mostly say something like "If you have an inner envelope, that is where it's OK to put 'and guest' or guest's name," but then they leave it hanging as to what you do if you don't have an inner envelope...

 

[violet02]

In re: to the food options here''s what we went with and what my planner says she thinks works well.

RSVP Card:
Please respond by
The Twenty Fifth of August

M________________________

___ Accepts with pleasure

___ Declines with Regret

Please initial the entree choice of each guest

___ Beef
___ Chicken
___ Vegetarian

 

[Haven]

Violet--I think people often do what you''re describing, all I''m saying is that the proper thing to do is to send a separate invite to each invitee. According to etiquette standards in the U.S. that is. People handle these things very differently in different social circles, regions, and countries, so if the standard among your friends is to send one invite, go for it!

I know that would have saved us quite a bit on our own invitations if that''s what we did, but we sent out formal engraved invites and our circle generally sticks to traditional etiquette. I know I would have been offended if my fiance''s friends had sent invitations to only him and simply added my name to the inner envelope, since they all knew we didn''t live together. But that''s just me, nothing is right or wrong, of course.

 

[violet02]

Date: 6/25/2008 4:05:27 PM
Author: newbie124
Thanks, Haven! All this invitation stuff gets confusing!

I''d be OK with sending separate save the dates/invites to non-cohabitating couples where we know both people. It does feel odd, though, to be sending an invitation to a complete stranger. I guess that''s when those inner envelopes come in handy...except they''re not used for save-the-dates, so that''s why I''m not really sure what to do about those.

Most of the guides I''ve read mostly say something like ''If you have an inner envelope, that is where it''s OK to put ''and guest'' or guest''s name,'' but then they leave it hanging as to what you do if you don''t have an inner envelope...

I dont have an inner envelope and my invitation maker and the guides I''ve read say you just put all names on the outside of the envelope, even if it''s and guest (and children''s names).

 

[violet02]

Date: 6/25/2008 4:06:22 PM
Author: Haven
Violet--I think people often do what you''re describing, all I''m saying is that the proper thing to do is to send a separate invite to each invitee. According to etiquette standards in the U.S. that is. People handle these things very differently in different social circles, regions, and countries, so if the standard among your friends is to send one invite, go for it!

I know that would have saved us quite a bit on our own invitations if that''s what we did, but we sent out formal engraved invites and our circle generally sticks to traditional etiquette. I know I would have been offended if my fiance''s friends had sent invitations to only him and simply added my name to the inner envelope, since they all knew we didn''t live together. But that''s just me, nothing is right or wrong, of course.

I think that would apply for us if we were equally friends with both parties and they didnt live together. I guess we lean one way or the other with our couple friends and the ones that are equal live together anyways.

 

[Haven]

Your response card looks great to me, Newbie. I think it would be very easy to fill out for your guests, and it gives you the information you need.

You''re right, nobody ever advises on what to do if there are no inner envelopes. In that case, I suppose you can just put both names on the outer, you''d have to, right?

I hear you on sending an invitation to a complete stranger, it does feel odd. You should always do what feels right to the two of you. We did send one invite to a friend''s boyfriend who lives out of state, and whom I never met. It did feel strange, but he "knows" us through stories, so I was sure he''d know who the invitation was from when he received it.

 

[Haven]

I meant to say that you can always add inner envelopes if your invitations don''t come with them. Our invites were from Crane''s, and they did not come with inners so our consultant helped us choose the right envelopes to create inner and outers, and they looked FABULOUS, if I may say so myself.

 

[newbie124]

Thanks, guys!

So I guess the moral of the story is to follow tradition as you can, but feel free to bend the rules a little if it doesn't feel right for you

Now here's another question...If you are listing out a married woman's first name (whether with her maiden or her married last), does her name come first or second?

I see that if you're just doing the husband's name, then it's "Mr. and Mrs. James Smith". But then does it get switched to say "Mrs. Jane and Mr. John Smith"?

This didn't even occur to me until just now when I was browsing a calligrapher's site and noticed the flip flop.

 

[rockzilla]

Can I add a question to this thread?

For our engagement party invites, is it okay to not do Mr. and Mrs.?

It is a casual party (beach casual attire, we''re having mexican food catered) and the idea of doing the whole Mrs/Mr/Miss/Ms seems a bit silly.

 

[violet02]

I''m sure you can do them however you like for something like that. Personally I did an evite, heh.

 

[tberube]

Date: 6/25/2008 3:27:46 PM
Author:newbie124
OK, so I have a bunch of questions around save the dates/invitations that I''m hoping I can get some more clear answers to...


- When sending STDs to couples who don''t live together, do we need to send one to each person (even if we''ve never met the sig other) or just the one we''re closest to? Would it be different if we''re equally close to both? If the latter, do we address it just to the one person or both people? (This question also goes for if we decide to save some trees and forgo inner envelopes with the formal invites).


*My friend just indicated that she might have put one person''s name on the 1st line and their sig other on the 2nd line of the same envelope and mailed to the 1st person''s address. (As opposed to both names on the same line for couples living together.) Has anyone heard of this option?


- If a married woman has not changed her name, should I go with ''Mr. John Smith and Mrs. Betty Rubble''? or would it also be OK to use Mr. and Mrs. John Smith''? (Although the modern-day part of me prefers to see the woman''s name, esthetically I''d rather save some room when possible and not crowd the envelope with long names.)


- Should names on the STDs be spelled out as formally as they would for the invitations?


- We are including a hotel insert with the STDs that just gives the hotel location and our website for more info. Would it seem weird to include this w/ the STDs even if we''re not including anything else yet, like map/schedule/etc.? We''re actually not even listing the venue info on the STD, just the general area (''Napa Valley, CA'').


- We are only offering a beef entree and a vegetarian entree. Should I actually spell them out on the RSVPs or just have a line that says something like ''Please indicate any dietary restrictions''? Personally, I prefer to not have anything about meals on the card since I think it adds clutter and makes it look less formal...but I guess it''s kind of necessary in case someone who''s not a vegetarian decides they''d prefer the veg option. I wish there was a better way to do it, though.

Ooh! Finally some questions I might know the answers to! I work for a stationery/invitation design company, so I deal with this stuff all day.

In order:

-Traditionally, if you are equally close to both friends, you would send them each a STD. But if you want to forgo some treebark, then I''m sure it''ll be fine to address both of them at the woman''s address. So your friend makes sense.

-Yes. Although the woman always is listed first. Mrs. Betty Rubble and Mr. John Smith. It is important to include the "and." You don''t, however, include the "and" if the couple is living together and not married...in which case they''d be on two separate lines, with the woman on top, and no "and."

-STDs are not typically as formal as wedding invitations. For example, I did not include the Mrs. and Mr. on my STDs.

-I have gotten STDs with hotel information, especially if there are a lot of relatives/friends who are from out of town. On my STDs I included a note about my room block at the hotel, so people could reserve. So that information is fine on the STDs....many people want to know that earlier than later.

-Do you know which of your friends are vegetarians? If so, then you can probably just inform the venue of how many vegetarians they are and order for these people. But if you think that more people may choose the veggie meal over the beef meal, then it''s probably smart to include an option on your response card. It can be something as simple as one line saying "___ I would like the vegetarian option" or some similar wording. Not even include the beef option, because it''s a given if they don''t check the veggie line.

Hope I was helpful! Good luck!!

 

[violet02]

That was helpful for me!

 

[newbie124]

Thanks, tberube! That was most helpful

So, does the woman''s name still come first if you''re using "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith" (so in other words it should be "Mrs. and Mr. John Smith")?

For some reason that sounds weird...although it doesn''t seem weird to have the woman''s name come first when you''re using her full name.

 

[rockzilla]

What about same sex couples, living together?

I find myself addressing my gay male friends who live together as:

John Smith and Jim Doe (where John is the ''closer'' friend)

but my straight but living together friends as

Amy Jones
Joe Williams

And straight married friends as

Liz Park and Mark Adamson (woman keeping her name)

John and Jim are not married (they live in one of the 2 states where this is legal..not sure if it would make a difference if they were not allowed to marry) but they are engaged. I guess if there are no rules, I should just do whatever I feel right about....