Wedding Questions about showers...

[newbie124]

I''ve never actually attended a shower and I don''t think they''re traditionally part of our culture although I think these days more couples have them if they''re living in the states.

I''ve read various threads about other people''s showers so I have some general knowledge about it, but still have a lot of dumb questions that I hope people wouldn''t mind clarifying for me?

- Are showers standard events for most weddings? (More like a rehearsal dinner vs. an engagement party....the former being pretty much a standard/expected event and the latter usually optional/not always planned).

- When does a shower usually take place in relation to the wedding?

- Who''s invited? I know this may partly depend on who''s hosting, but is it usually only women who attend? If so, do invitations go to couples or just the female partner?

- If people do a couple''s shower, what kind of activities are involved (other than opening gifts)?

- Since it involves gifts, is it taboo for a bride to even bring it up for discussion (ie Are you just supposed to wait to see if someone offers)?

I bring up the last question b/c given our situation, there would probably have to be some discussion around it w/ our input. Both of my BMs live out of state and my family is also scattered everywhere. We have some close invited friends here (but only 3 of whom are female). Everyone else is out of state. FI has family he''s not super close with in the burbs, though they are all invited to the wedding. So it''s possible his mom may choose to host something, although I don''t know if that would be weird since I''ve only met these relatives a few times and it may not be likely that any of my family could attend.

Also, we''re getting married in CA, which may open the possibility of having it out there the week of the wedding, but some people who may otherwise have attended here may not be able to make it out that early. Plus, people may not want to lug a gift all the way there, which we would then have to figure out a way to bring back w/ us. So if they decided to send something by mail, then not sure how a shower would work in that case if there is no gift opening (not meaning for that to sound greedy....just bringing up a logistical question).

So I dunno...maybe a shower just isn''t in the plans for us?

 

[MaggieB]

Date: 8/15/2008 12:04:20 PM
Author:newbie124
I''ve never actually attended a shower and I don''t think they''re traditionally part of our culture although I think these days more couples have them if they''re living in the states.

I''ve read various threads about other people''s showers so I have some general knowledge about it, but still have a lot of dumb questions that I hope people wouldn''t mind clarifying for me?

- Are showers standard events for most weddings? (More like a rehearsal dinner vs. an engagement party....the former being pretty much a standard/expected event and the latter usually optional/not always planned).

- When does a shower usually take place in relation to the wedding?

- Who''s invited? I know this may partly depend on who''s hosting, but is it usually only women who attend? If so, do invitations go to couples or just the female partner?

- If people do a couple''s shower, what kind of activities are involved (other than opening gifts)?

- Since it involves gifts, is it taboo for a bride to even bring it up for discussion (ie Are you just supposed to wait to see if someone offers)?

I bring up the last question b/c given our situation, there would probably have to be some discussion around it w/ our input. Both of my BMs live out of state and my family is also scattered everywhere. We have some close invited friends here (but only 3 of whom are female). Everyone else is out of state. FI has family he''s not super close with in the burbs, though they are all invited to the wedding. So it''s possible his mom may choose to host something, although I don''t know if that would be weird since I''ve only met these relatives a few times and it may not be likely that any of my family could attend.

Also, we''re getting married in CA, which may open the possibility of having it out there the week of the wedding, but some people who may otherwise have attended here may not be able to make it out that early. Plus, people may not want to lug a gift all the way there, which we would then have to figure out a way to bring back w/ us. So if they decided to send something by mail, then not sure how a shower would work in that case if there is no gift opening (not meaning for that to sound greedy....just bringing up a logistical question).

So I dunno...maybe a shower just isn''t in the plans for us?

I am by no means a shower expert, but I''m sure that I have attended them in the double digits at least, so I''ll give you my opinions.

There is usually a shower for a wedding. It is not thrown by the bride. It is thrown by a friend or a relative, someone who wants to host a "gifting" for the couple.

Sometimes a bride has just one shower and everyone is invited, but this is usually only if there are not a lot of friends to invite locally. I would say that it is more common for someone at the bride''s work to throw a shower, someone from her group of friends to throw one, a relative to throw one for relatives, etc.

I would say that people who have showers are usually registered for gifts. Since the invitation does not come from you, instead it comes from the person hosting the shower, they usually find it appropriate to include your registration information in the invite. I personally would not have a shower if I were not registered because you will end up with a lot of stuff that you may already have or else does not work with your house, but that is just me.

The timing depends on a lot of things, but I have never attended a shower any closer than a month to the wedding, certainly not a week from it. However, that is only my experience. A good friend of mine had a shower several months before her wedding, but that was because she was going home to Vermont that month and so her mom chose to host a shower then for her childhood friends. So my point is, if the shower is out of town, the timing depends on when you will be at that location. Most local showers I have attended have been anywhere from 6 to 1 month prior to the wedding.

Couples showers are a whole other topic. They are popular and are more like a party than a shower, with stuff to keep the guys interested. I would google couple shower ideas to come up with games, other ideas.

Good luck

 

[neatfreak]

Newbie, I think you can do whatever you want these days. I am the MOH in a wedding labor day weekend, with the wedding on Sunday. I am throwing the bride our "friends" shower (she already had a relatives one) the day before the wedding because almost all our good friends live OOT. So far it looks like it will be very well attended, and everyone from OOT (especially the bridesmaids who otherwise would have had to try and come up AGAIN) thought it was a good idea. We're having a brunch, so it'll be a chance for us all to catch up too before the wedding. The shower would have been VERY poorly attended if we did it another weekend, so this by far worked out the best in this situation.

As for whether it's a "must do"...NO. I didn't have a shower and I don't regret it. We didn't need the stuff and quite honestly the thought of everyone coming over just to give me gifts again didn't make ME comfortable, so I didn't want one.

 

[Sabine]

My experience is mostly similar to MaggieB''s.

Showers are expected, although there are exceptions that choose not to have one.

Showers are traditionally female-only, but there can be couples showers as well (and are pretty well accepted nowadays). At the co-ed shower I attended, it was a barbeque, so there weren''t any shower "games", but people played typical outdoor games like horseshoes and badminton, ate, drank, and talked, and then the couple opened presents.

As for who gives the shower and who comes, it really depends. I only had one shower that both sides of the family and my friends attended. But you could have one for your local friends/family and then one in CA, or you could just have a local one and accept that many OOT people won''t be able to attend, etc.

I *think* you were also asking if it''s okay to ask someone to throw you a shower. It''s usually an expectation for the bridesmaids, but if you don''t think yours will or don''t know to, you could ask them if they were planning on it. If it''s not possible for them to, you could mention something to local friends or relatives (my aunt threw one for my brother and sil), but I wouldn''t flat out ask them, just bring it up and ask if anyone had any plans for one.

Oh, for when, in my personal experience, they''ve been 2-1 month before teh wedding.

 

[Gypsy]

Hi Newb... I just wanted to say I'm in a similar boat. I've been to a couple of showers, but they aren't standard in my culture either. However there has been a trend in recent brides we know adopting the custom, and my mom is throwing me one. I think it's pretty much a do whatever you want type thing here in CA where EVERYTHING is pretty much 'do whatever you want.' I do know that John's family does traditionally do showers and from ones I attended and from FMIL's comments there might be a few rules. Here's the 'rules' as I understand them. Unless its like a work shower, only the people invited to your wedding should be invited, and it shouldn't be 'everyone' invited to your wedding but people you are closer to. It doesn't have to be ladies only, it can be Jack and Jill, though this isn't 'traditional'. They are typically about 1-2 months out from the wedding, after your wedding invites have been sent is what one person told me, but I have no independant verification of that. You don't throw your own (but case in point, your mom can make you do a bunch of work for it though you don't want one... but that's a story for another thread) and technically your parents aren't supposed to throw you one, and your bridal party IS 'supposed' to be be the one hosting it. But then again, I live in CA, so anything kinda goes. I think it depends on where you are, what the norm is for your region. Though, as with anything wedding related, there are etiquette rules and traditions that some will judge you on. But that's life right?

 

[newbie124]

Thanks for chiming in everyone! Definitely helped clear up a few things for me

I think I''ll plan to bring it up w/ one of my BMs next time we chat and see what her thoughts are.

My mom has been somewhat hands off w/ the wedding planning stuff (partly b/c she doesn''t live here or in CA so harder for her to be involved), so I may also seek out my aunt''s advice.

Thanks again!