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Wedding Questioning some of our wedding gifts

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NoID

Rough_Rock
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We were married not to long ago (destination wedding) everything went well and everyone had a great time. We know it was very expensive for some to get there. Most chose to make it into a small vacation and got there a few days before the wedding - so they incurred hotel charges as well.

We didn''t help with anyone''s expenses (except for FI''s parents) but we did give everyone gift bags filled with snacks, travel items, etc., plus I offered to pay for everyone''s manicures the day before the wedding ($22 at the hotel we were at), transportation from their hotel to the wedding ($20/person) as well as some incidentals, drink rounds, the dresses our nieces wore for the wedding, lunch for the people that were in our room the day of the wedding, and things like that.

We were surprised at some of the gifts that we got, mainly because of the closeness/significance of the relationships...from one of DH''s very dear/close cousins, $60 (three $20 bills) on behalf of hersef and her mother (who did not attend). From another couple (DH''s best friend from high school and his wife), we got via mail a statue of a couple with some angels (not our style at all). Another one of his very dear cousins and his wife, $100 - this is the one we feel least huh? about because he did say some beautiful words to us about our relationship (I should mention, though, that when we went to their wedding a couple of months ago, we also had to fly there, and we gave them $300).

We found ourselves hurt by these gifts - we felt like they were making somewhat of a statement, based on the closeness of who they came from. I say it feels like a statement because we''ve felt throughout the planning process that some resented the idea of the wedding being far away. The other thing that may be weighing in is that when he and I go to to weddings, no matter how much it might "hurt" at the moment, we always give $150, and for close cousins/friends/family we''ve given as much as $400.

What would you think?
 
This is just my opinion.
Even if you went all out to make them feel at home for the OOT guests, you can never assume what is "comfortable" for them. If I had to go out of town for a wedding, no gift bag is going to change the fact that the trip is going to hurt me. Even if they take up on your offer for paying for accommodations, does that mean they are obligated to give you more?
I once went to a Vegas wedding. Since I was going there, I decided to enjoy the city so I bought tickets for a show. I paid for my own hotel and gas, and my gift to them was a $25 item from their registry. They were very grateful that I even showed up. To them, my attendance was a gift already and I would think the same for my guests.

To me, it sounds like you are too concerned about the amount they are giving you, rather than the fact that they came from far away to your wedding. I''m having many OoT relatives to our wedding, all of them dear to me. I expect nothing from them. I will be grateful for the three $20 bills, though in this case I would prefer a check.
 
choro - yes, you''re probably right - too fixated on the actual amount...
 
Hi NOID
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First and foremost, congratulations on your marriage! I hope your wedding was wonderful, and that you and your hubby will have many, many opportunities to pull out the wedding photos and reminisce about your wedding day!

I have to agree with Choro that it's best not to focus on the monetary value of the gift, but to view your friends' presence at your wedding (or their good wishes for a happy marriage) as the best gift you could receive. I live on the West Coast and I have to admit that I have no idea what a trip to the Dominican Republic entails. I assume it's comparable to travelling to Hawaii or Cabo from California? In any event, the travel and related expenses are likely to be greater than those for a local wedding, and might play into my gift decisions --- how much money I have to throw around, my own sense of thriftiness, and how close I am to the lucky couple would also come into play. And while I might appreciate someone nudging me into a vacation at a wonderful locale, the fact is that it might not be the vacation I would have selected for myself.

So... I think many people would give a smaller gift when attending a destination wedding than they would for a conventional wedding. Focus on their presence and good wishes rather than the presents, and you'll be good to go!
 
Ditto choro...

Very well put.

NoID, congratulations on your marriage!!
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Don''t make me "Bop you upside your head"
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minims - not sure, since people came from different states...but I think tickets ranged from $350 to about $500...so definitely expensive...

Looks like DH and I need need to refocus! We definitely had a good time and loved to have everyone there...

miraclesrules -
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ok - i''ve been bopped! LOL and thanks for the congratulations - we''re leaving for our honeymoon soon so we''re starting to feel excited aobut that
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Eh, I hope I wasn''t too harsh...There goes my manners as well. I haven''t even congratulated you on your wedding!

Congratulations
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choro - no! you were honest - your opinion. Thanks for the congratulations!
 
I don't think the amount given is really important.

If I look down my registry the average amount people are spending is between $80 and $180 per couple. It's about what FI and I would spend as well. Most of us are on 6 figures GBP per couple, but the cost of living is very high in London and extravagant gift giving is not the norm.

Gifts are more tokens than anything else, and certainly not something to get upset about. One of our friends has bought us the $10 potato peeler from our registry - I feel terrible, because we hadn't invited them to the wedding and they still went and found our registry, left a lovely message and bought us a gift. (but also happy as I really wanted the potato peeler!)

When we went to FBIL's wedding in Chicago last year it cost over $4k between us - they got an extra nice xmas present but we couldn't afford a wedding present as well.
 
So my FI's friends had a LOT of out of town guests at their wedding in Healdsburg, particularly since one of them's from england. Anyways they didn't ask for gifts at all but instead said your presence is gift enough. I mean.. yes, if people take the time to pay for and fly out of the country to your wedding then that's probably gift enough.

Now what about the folks that don't come to the wedding at all but are invited? Should they send a gift? For example a lot of my FI's cousins have many kids and can't really take the time or afford to fly them all out from the east coast to the west coast... gift or no gift? (not trying to threajack or sound greedy here just wondering!)
 
And CONGRATS on your wedding, where are the pics?!
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Okay on further though about this topic I have to admit, depending on how much I liked the person who''s wedding I went to kind of played into how much I gave them monetarily-wise. So I might see why you may think the gift amounts may mean something more than what it is but that''s just me, and I''m only saying it because I do make a good income so I theoretically shouldn''t have a problem giving whatever the ''average'' gift amount is.

It''s like if say someone''s rich friends come to a wedding that spend lots of money on fancy things, and they give the couple $40 for a wedding present is that a message or is that them saying hey we flew out to your wedding, that''s gift enough?

The gift giving part of weddings is so tough. I get how it could seem odd to get strange or no gifts at times but then its like you''re not supposed to ''expect'' gifts either. It''s a ''nice to have''.
 
Pandora - $150 is where we average too...but more for a close family member...I remember even when I was much younger, like 10-15 years ago, living in NYC, over there the norm was $75 per person. So that''s what I grew up around, but I realize it''s different everywhere. I think the concept of the gift being a token is very true, and based on many factors - one of them being the closeness to the couple - that''s why I think DH was surprised by the $60. But who knows - she may be having all kinds of terrible financial difficulties and felt that''s all she could/wanted to give after spending x amount on getting to the wedding - we know that not everybody was thrilled that it was a destination wedding. We''ll never know the reason and I guess it shouldn''t matter in the end since she was able to be there with us - and either way, she will still of course get a nice thank you card.

I would feel the exact way you do about the people that gave you the potato peeler - very touching that even though they weren''t invited they found your registry and sent you something.

I was just doing a search for similar questions and see that Haven seems to know a lot about the subject...Haven if you read this curious to hear what you think...
 
Violet02 - I would not at all expect a gift from someone who was invited but didn't come to the wedding and would actually be very surprised and if they did send something.

We felt that there was something behind the amounts that don't at all have to do with financial issues - although I realize that we never truly know what's going on in other people's lives (even though this is a person who makes a good living). So we'll never know if we're right or not...just because we would have given her at least triple that amount if it had been her wedding doesn't mean it's the only way.

As far as the guest who gave us the statue - DH and I hate statues and figurines and things like that and would never give that as a gift unless we knew for sure it was the couple's taste/style, but again it doesn't mean that's what everyone does - she must have thougth we would like it.
 
Date: 6/27/2008 4:55:10 AM
Author: violet02
So my FI''s friends had a LOT of out of town guests at their wedding in Healdsburg, particularly since one of them''s from england. Anyways they didn''t ask for gifts at all but instead said your presence is gift enough. I mean.. yes, if people take the time to pay for and fly out of the country to your wedding then that''s probably gift enough.

Now what about the folks that don''t come to the wedding at all but are invited? Should they send a gift? For example a lot of my FI''s cousins have many kids and can''t really take the time or afford to fly them all out from the east coast to the west coast... gift or no gift? (not trying to threajack or sound greedy here just wondering!)
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What she said.
 
Without meaning to be sounding harsh, but I think it's a little selfish to be annoyed at what you got for your wedding. It's not about the gifts you receive, it's about marrying the most incredible person in the world. I would have thought that any thoughts of wedding gifts would be insignificant compared to the memories of your wedding day. The acceptable amount of money to spend on a wedding gift varies from person to person, and I think it's a totally different game where a destination wedding is involved.

I am toying with the idea of a destination wedding and I would be horrified if my guests gave us gifts. I feel guilty even entertaining the idea of having a destination wedding as it seems like so much to ask my family and friends to pay hundreds of dollars for flights, accomodation, time of work etc, I would feel so uncomfortable if they even considered buying a gift as well.
 
I think it''s exceedingly rude...


And I don''t mean the guests
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Please don''t be "that" bride. Best wishes and congratulations on your marriage.
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Congratulations on your wedding! I know it''s easy to try to read things into gifts, but you have to remember that not all people think the way you do. My aunt and cousin came to my shower, and were SO excited to give me an electric knife and trifle bowl. I was just excited to get them, but there is a marked difference between their gift, and the gift I got from my aunts on my dad''s side of the family and on FI''s side. I don''t think it necessarily means they feel differently, they just see different things as appropriate and exciting gifts.

Another consideration is the economy. In my circle, gifts aren''t nearly as expensive as most that are spoken about on here. For someone I''m really close to, I would normally spend about $100. But as money is tight right now, I''ve cut back to $75.
 
When I read your post, I literally ducked.

I knew some comments would be coming your way! The subject of gifts is a touchy one around here.

Congratulations on your marriage!!
 
courtney - yes, I see that! I kind of expected that I think. I''m fine with people thinking we''re rude. And no matter what the etiquette is, I still hate the statute. LOL. I do think that others may feel the way we do or at least for a brief second have those same type of feelings but they''ve never admit it anyway.

I do agree with Sabine that sometimes there really is nothing to read into with gifts - they are what they are.

At least the couple who gave us the statue lives far away so I''ll never have to display it.
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Date: 6/27/2008 11:41:18 AM
Author: NoID

I do agree with Sabine that sometimes there really is nothing to read into with gifts - they are what they are.
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I agree with the others... it will automatically come off as greedy/rude to question any gift you receive, unless it has rude undertones itself (I read on a forum that a bride received a Weight Loss book from her FMIL as an engagement gift
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). $60 isn''t rude, though, it''s what they could give and I personally would be thrilled at such a gesture. But I think I have low gift expectations of my (also traveling quite far to attend) guests.

It seems that you "get it" so there''s no reason to push further.
 
Congratulations on your marriage, NoID! Now where are those beautiful destination wedding pictures? (Destination weddings always have the GREATEST pictures.)

I think you''ve gotten some great advice here. And as easy as it is to call a bride who is questioning gifts rude, I think it''s perfectly natural for you to reflect on the gifts you were given, and you cannot help your first reaction of feeling hurt if a gift *seems* to be a snub of some sort. PS is a great place to air these feelings, so don''t feel bad for feeling hurt, it''s okay.

I do agree with the others that a gift is a gift is a gift and it doesn''t matter how much or what people give you--if they''re giving you a gift, what a lovely thing! You seem to agree with that sentiment now, so that''s great. But I certainly don''t blame you for having an initial reaction that may not be the most gracious reaction. I imagine that every single person who made the trip to attend your wedding loves you very much, and I''m guessing their presence there means so much more to you two than any gift.

My guess is that you will find your generosity is not always matched by your friends, but if we expect a matched gift, it''s not really generosity then, is it?

Congratulations again on your marriage, and enjoy your new life together!
 
We are having a destination wedding. Most people are going to pay around $500/couple for airfare plus 3 nights in a hotel so we are being VERY upfront with everyone and saying "no gifts, please". I''m sure our parents will still insist on giving us gifts but I hope that no one feels obligated. I''m alread sort of cringing at the thought of asking people to spend +/- $2000 just to see us get married, but since everyone we are inviting can well afford it I am OK with it.

I guess what I''m getting around to saying is that the money that your guests put into attending your wedding should "count" towards your gift. Any additional money/gifts you get are just gravy.
 
musey - I get what we "should" think about it but it doesn''t match what we really do think about it (which I guess is what makes us rude!) I think a $60 gift from this particular cousin who DH has been close to all his life and does well was a little "off". Not rude, but off. But again, it may feel off because of how we gift...although we didn''t go into the planning of the wedding thinking of what people would give us, we must have had some sort of subconscious expectation of gifts at the level we would do them because otherwise we would not have been "surprised". So it is the expectation that is the key, although we didn''t realize we had any.
 
Friends of ours had a small (<20 person) destination wedding in Hawaii.

Before the wedding, I got an announcement from the couple saying when the wedding was happening, and that a ''local reception'' would be happening in February or march the next year. I took this to mean that we would be invited to this reception.

I also received an invitation to the bride''s shower, including registry information, which I thought was fine since there was going to be this second reception.

So, we bought them a nice gift off the registry. But, the reception never happened! Or if it did, neither I nor any of our mutual friends ever heard anything about it.

I felt annoyed by this...like we were all encouraged to give gifts with the assumption that we were going to be getting an invite, and then never did. She did send a lovely thank you card though...
 
Date: 6/27/2008 6:43:56 AM
Author: honey22
Without meaning to be sounding harsh, but I think it's a little selfish to be annoyed at what you got for your wedding. It's not about the gifts you receive, it's about marrying the most incredible person in the world. I would have thought that any thoughts of wedding gifts would be insignificant compared to the memories of your wedding day. The acceptable amount of money to spend on a wedding gift varies from person to person, and I think it's a totally different game where a destination wedding is involved.

I am toying with the idea of a destination wedding and I would be horrified if my guests gave us gifts. I feel guilty even entertaining the idea of having a destination wedding as it seems like so much to ask my family and friends to pay hundreds of dollars for flights, accomodation, time of work etc, I would feel so uncomfortable if they even considered buying a gift as well.
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First off, congrats on your marriage! I agree with honey22. I am planning a destination wedding and don't want anything other than for my loved ones to be there and share in our big day. I've even told most of them not to get any gifts for us for Christmas, birthdays, etc. and to save their money for the trip.
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Their presence and the memories we'll always share will be our gift.
 
Haven! Glad you chimed in. I was really curious to see what you thought. How did you become so knowledgable about manners, anyway?

As far as pictures, let me think about that...I''m shy, but I''ll see if there are any that can give you an idea of the atmosphere without showing our faces.

Thank you for saying what you said about it being human to reflect on gifts that you''re given. I think you''re right that it''s natural but I think most won''t admit to it.

And you are right about the matched gift...

All we can hope is that there really wasn''t any type of snub or resentment for having to travel to be at our wedding. DH and were asking ourselves what we would do in the same situation - and we both said that we might actually consider not going so we could send what we thought was what we wanted to give the couple. Of course we''d have to actually be in the situation to really know what we''d do. When I was in my good friend''s wedding a couple of years ago she had told me she did not at all expect a wedding gift, as I had spent $ on the dress, bachelorette party, shower, etc...but we ended up giving them a $350 gift anyway - I just felt we had to/wanted to give them something significant, she was my friend for years and years.

rockzilla - I know a couple who did the same thing - they married in Hawaii and had intentions of throwing a big party when they got back but they never did. I''m not sure if anyone not invited to their wedding sent them gifts because they were told there would be a celebration following. I could see how you found it annoying.

brandy - I didn''t encourage gifts, I didn''t discourage them, we didn''t do a shower and didn''t announce at all about where we registered - only our parents knew, in case anyone asked. It''s weird - I couldn''t care less about presents for my birthday, or Christmas - and we''ve been in many situations where we''ve given gifts and cards and got nothing in return - for some reason I guess we did have expectations for our wedding.
 
NoID--I certainly hope the gifts weren't meant to snub, that would be awful! I always try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, and even when I'm almost certain they don't deserve it, it makes ME feel better to extend it anyway! I kind of feel like my perception of things and people shapes my own experience of the world, so if I see everyone as being great, it makes my life a lot more pleasant.

As for manners, I know nothing but I've amassed a huge collection of etiquette books that I love to reference! Seriously, though, I studied literature in college and developed a strong affinity for F. Scott Fitzgerald, whose works focused on the manners-born living in the U.S. in the early 20th century, so I just started reading about etiquette from that time period and it all spiraled out from there. Pretty dorky, huh?

ETA: I meant to add that I think Cara and a few other PSers are very well-versed in the ins and outs of etiquette. I'd pay much more attention to their posts than to mine!
 
Haven - it would be awful! But we do know they love us, so chances are, maybe that is just all they wanted to give. They''re entitled to feel that way, that''s for sure.

The manners thing is dorky in a sweet and cool sort of way!

I "knew" the etiquette/right thing would be to not care about the amount, and that gifts are gifts - so I was sure 95% of the responses were going to talk about that. Maybe I was looking for the 5% that might have said "how cheap!" LOL

But on a serious tip - everyone was going to get nice thank you cards regardless.
 
I actually felt similar about a couple of guests that were at my wedding. It was a little different, in that it was "at home", and the guests didn''t have to travel, but the 2 families I babysat for (up to the week before the wedding), and invited them and their children, gave us nothing! It feels like you don''t mean much to them. I always wondered if maybe something got lost, but neither couple ever asked "how did you like the gift..." or anything like that.

So basically, I do understand where you''re coming from, but it''s not worth dwelling on.
 
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