Q for PSers whom decided not to have kids...

[Dancing Fire]

don''t you think there''s a chance you''ll regret that decision later on in life ? we all know that we can''t turn the clock backward.

 

[LaraOnline]

Oh DF, you could say that to the posters who DID decide to have kids!!
Just a few months ago, when I hit six months pregnant I woke in the middle of the night and asked myself: ''What the **ll am I DOING??''
And I didn''t rightly know.
Probably won''t for another year, I''d say!!
My first two had just stopped waking in the night!

 

[Madam Bijoux]

I don''t regret it - I always knew I didn''t have the temperament for raising kids.

 

[HollyS]

DF, it wasn''t a decision not to have children on my part; there were extenuating circumstances. I refused to be selfish and have a child without a husband. I feel children should have, best case scenario, a mother and a father who love each other, and who provide the security of a family unit.

Now, as we all know, life doesn''t always work out the way we intended. Divorce happens. Spouses die. But deliberately having a chld out of wedlock is not, IMO, in the best interests of the child. For me, really wanting a child was not reason enough to disregard what I believe to be the right thing to do.

And yes, when I met my now husband, we were ''young enough'' to start a family. But we weren''t capable of being a family to each other at that point, let alone a child. Sure, I could have found myself a ''baby daddy''. My clock was ticking. Loudly. Like every other woman. But having a solid marriage with the right person was more important. That should be the priority of every woman -- before she has her children. That''s what children deserve. That should be their birthright. We live our lives here in the Western world with enough resources that we have only ourselves to blame if we make lousy choices for our children. I chose not to make a lousy choice for a child.

But that''s just my opinion. I''m sure someone will take issue with it, if only to justify their choices.

 

[Selkie]

The fear of regretting something just isn''t a huge motivator for me. I MIGHT also look back in 40 years and regret not doing many other life-enriching things: traveling more, sailing around the world, learning to speak four languages, being more politically active. You know what? I''ll adapt, or get over it! I refuse to be paralyzed by how I MIGHT feel, if my decision is well-considered and is the right one for me now. We''ll never have everything we want and it seems very self-important and privileged to think that we deserve to get everything we think we might ever regret not having.

 

[zhuzhu]

I agree with Holly that if one chooses to be a mother, she should do it knowing that she is capable of providing the child with the best foundation in life possible. it is not enough to just "want a child", but one has to realize that there is no return in that decisions.

As for me, do I worry about regretting it when I am "too mature to give birth"? Absolutely not. In the rare event that I really want to become a mom, we will be perfectly happy adopting a child and love him/her as much as our own.

The secret of being happy in life is to never regret for the decisions you make. No decision is perfect as you are always forgoing an option when you pick a path - and nobody knows what the future holds. But if you make the best out of the choices you made than there will be no regret in the very end.

 

[Linda W]

I only have one, a daughter. I can answer though for a few of my fiends that chose not to have children and are now my age.

They are having the time of their lives. They are retired and travel all over. They spoiled their nieces and nephews rotten and are now spoiling their great nieces and nephews rotten. If they choose too, they babysit them also. They never regretted once, not having kids.

 

[TravelingGal]

Linda, I''m curious, did you ever wish you had more children? You don''t have to answer if it''s too personal, as I know there are many reasons people don''t have more than one (including being unable to have them). I''m dealing with this question myself and am wondering if I will wish I had more if I stop now.

 

[musey]

No matter what decision(s) you make, there will always be room for regrets and "what ifs."

My parents regret not having a fourth child, which they decided against because of social responsibility... population control and all that, they originally were limiting themselves to two but really wanted to try for a girl after my two older brothers, so three was even pushing it in their minds.

My uncle never had kids and definitely regrets it, but I think it's for the best because he would not have made a very good father

Just for good measure, my grandfather's best friend is about 92 and never had children. She has said that she's glad, because her life has been fuller without them (if for no other reason than that the things she finds most fulfilling would have been impossible with kids in tow). At the same time though, she's a 92-year-old widower that spends holidays with my family because there's no one else left in her life. Not that the last few years are necessarily a reason to live the entire rest of your life differently.


I think it's probably easier to regret not having kids than it is to regret having them - because once they're there, it would take a pretty callous person to say "I regret having my child."

 

[Linda W]

Date: 4/22/2009 2:00:27 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Linda, I''m curious, did you ever wish you had more children? You don''t have to answer if it''s too personal, as I know there are many reasons people don''t have more than one (including being unable to have them). I''m dealing with this question myself and am wondering if I will wish I had more if I stop now.

Hi T-Gal. There were a couple of factors. By the time DH and I married, my daughter was 8. We did talk about it and we did talk about having a child of our own. By then it was too late, as I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and that ended that thought very quickly.

 

[musey]

Also, for the record, I think it''s fantastic when people are brave enough to decide against kids. It''s a social ''norm'' to have them, so to have the self-awareness to realize that it''s not for you is really amazing.

There are enough people reproducing in this world - I don''t think anyone should be guilted into doing that unless they really want to on their own.

 

[isaku5]

We too know a couple who decided before marrying that they would not have kids of their own. They were both teachers and thought that that ''exposure'' was enough.

They did travel extensively (one of the reasons they didn''t want kids), but now they find that their friends who''ve had kids are much less lonely. I have known the wife since we went to elementary school, but she has no interest in hearing about anyone else''s kids either. I''d be willing to bet that she has no idea what our kids'' names are, much less their ages or occupations.

I realize that you shouldn''t have kids just to keep you company in your later years, but personally, I have found that our two are great company and we love to get together as often as possible.

Kids? No kids? There''s no right answer. You just have to go with your well thought out plan.

 

[geckodani]

Do I want kids? Yes.

Will I be okay and still lead a fulfilled life if I don''t end up having kids? Yes.

Life''s too short for coulda woulda shoulda.

I''ve got some medical issues that mean conceiving could be an adventure. It would probably be smarter to start trying pronto. But you know what, my husband and I aren''t ready yet. So. If that means I miss my window of opportunity and can''t conceive - so be it. I''ve already got a niece or nephew on the way to spoil rotten.

 

[geckodani]

Date: 4/22/2009 2:08:46 PM
Author: musey
Also, for the record, I think it''s fantastic when people are brave enough to decide against kids. It''s a social ''norm'' to have them, so to have the self-awareness to realize that it''s not for you is really amazing.

There are enough people reproducing in this world - I don''t think anyone should be guilted into doing that unless they really want to on their own.

Amen Musey.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 4/22/2009 2:08:13 PM
Author: Linda W

Date: 4/22/2009 2:00:27 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Linda, I''m curious, did you ever wish you had more children? You don''t have to answer if it''s too personal, as I know there are many reasons people don''t have more than one (including being unable to have them). I''m dealing with this question myself and am wondering if I will wish I had more if I stop now.

Hi T-Gal. There were a couple of factors. By the time DH and I married, my daughter was 8. We did talk about it and we did talk about having a child of our own. By then it was too late, as I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and that ended that thought very quickly.

Thanks for sharing Linda. I am sorry to hear the option was taken away from you. But I am VERY glad you are here now and sharing your love for pads!

 

[Linda W]

Date: 4/22/2009 2:25:22 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 4/22/2009 2:08:13 PM

Author: Linda W

Date: 4/22/2009 2:00:27 PM

Author: TravelingGal

Linda, I''m curious, did you ever wish you had more children? You don''t have to answer if it''s too personal, as I know there are many reasons people don''t have more than one (including being unable to have them). I''m dealing with this question myself and am wondering if I will wish I had more if I stop now.

Hi T-Gal. There were a couple of factors. By the time DH and I married, my daughter was 8. We did talk about it and we did talk about having a child of our own. By then it was too late, as I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and that ended that thought very quickly.

Thanks for sharing Linda. I am sorry to hear the option was taken away from you. But I am VERY glad you are here now and sharing your love for pads!

Thank you T-Gal Me toooooo!!!

 

[simplysplendid]

Date: 4/22/2009 11:34:03 AM
Author:Dancing Fire
don''t you think there''s a chance you''ll regret that decision later on in life ? we all know that we can''t turn the clock backward.

DF, How could there be regrets for someone who has not experienced what it is like to have kids? How could one who has never tasted sweetness ever regret not tasting it? How could one find that their life is more fulfilling without kids when they have not experienced how fulfilling it is to have kids and raise kids? Similarly, how can someone who has kids understand how fulfilling life can be without kids when they already have had kids?

The only thing that I know is that someone with kids will have less freedom than someone without kids. No answer to the rest of the comparisons, whether happier or not, more fulfilling or not.

 

[simplysplendid]

Date: 4/22/2009 1:27:35 PM
Author: HollyS
DF, it wasn''t a decision not to have children on my part; there were extenuating circumstances. I refused to be selfish and have a child without a husband. I feel children should have, best case scenario, a mother and a father who love each other, and who provide the security of a family unit.

Now, as we all know, life doesn''t always work out the way we intended. Divorce happens. Spouses die. But deliberately having a chld out of wedlock is not, IMO, in the best interests of the child. For me, really wanting a child was not reason enough to disregard what I believe to be the right thing to do.

And yes, when I met my now husband, we were ''young enough'' to start a family. But we weren''t capable of being a family to each other at that point, let alone a child. Sure, I could have found myself a ''baby daddy''. My clock was ticking. Loudly. Like every other woman. But having a solid marriage with the right person was more important. That should be the priority of every woman -- before she has her children. That''s what children deserve. That should be their birthright. We live our lives here in the Western world with enough resources that we have only ourselves to blame if we make lousy choices for our children. I chose not to make a lousy choice for a child.

But that''s just my opinion. I''m sure someone will take issue with it, if only to justify their choices.

100% agree.

 

[nytemist]

Nope. I knew within myself really early that I did not want to parent. There are women that have no ticking clock- like me. I can babysit a room of infants and have no pull to have my own. Yes I get pestered with the I will change my mind and I''m not too old (yet) but it''s just not there.

Personally I would be 70 years old and regret never taking an opportunity to move to NYC, or to travel, or get my next tattoo if/when the chance is presented.

 

[gemgirl]

I was going to answer that we didn''t exactly decide not to have kids, my severe Endometriosis kind of decided that for me. And then I read Linda''s post and I instantly decided that I''m not going to complain about anything! Linda, I''m so sorry that happened to you and you had to go through it, but I''m happy you''re OK and you''re here.

 

[rainwood]

I''m at the "later in life" stage you refer to and don''t regret it at all. And I don''t think people who choose to remain child-free are generally any less happy about their decision than people who had kids. I believe most people make the right choices for themselves, but we all know someone who probably didn''t - some of whom could have been great parents but aren''t and some who are parents but shouldn''t be.

 

[musey]

Date: 4/22/2009 3:59:33 PM
Author: rainwood
we all know someone who probably didn''t - some of whom could have been great parents but aren''t and some who are parents but shouldn''t be.

Unfortunately, I know many more of the latter than the former

 

[AmberGretchen]

Wouldn''t it be better to regret not having them than to regret having them? Just playing devil''s advocate...

 

[Shoopy]

I hope I don''t offend anyone when I say this but I think the people that end their days with the regret of never having children do so because they didn''t make anything of their lives.

I have/had two uncles that chose not to have children. One is on my mother''s side. He''s my great uncle. He volunteered a lot, spent his time traveling and getting wonderful friends. Although he was only married a few years, he had a lot of "great loves" as he used to call them. He''s had what I would call a very fulfilling life. He doesn''t regret not having children. Besides, my grandmother who was one of 8 had 10 children of her own so he had plenty of neices/nephews grand neices/nephews to spoil (and he did).

My other uncle is young...in his early 50s. He''s a miserable man. He fights constantly with the family, doesn''t have very many friends, and the wife he does have is a miserable wench as well. The only person he ever got along with was my father (because my dad was a saint) and after he lost him, he just kept to himself. He works and goes home, doesn''t do anything to contribute positively to society. He talks all the time about regretting not having children. I think for him he just feels that maybe his children would have loved him and he needs that since he pretty much messed up all connections to people that did at one point love him.

Anyway...that''s my take on it.

 

[musey]

Date: 4/22/2009 4:05:40 PM
Author: AmberGretchen
Wouldn''t it be better to regret not having them than to regret having them? Just playing devil''s advocate...

Definitely, in my opinion.

Though it seems like it would be pretty hard to actually admit regret to oneself over having children, where it''s more easy (I would bet) to wish one had had kids (like I was saying earlier).

 

[purrfectpear]

I had planned to forego having children.

Then at 30 I found myself with an unplanned one

I don''t regret having him (and hopefully neither does he), but I''m pretty sure I could have passed on motherhood without regrets. The only real benefit I found was that it did teach me patience and sharing (which as an only child I was a little short on). Let''s just say that my favorite T-shirt had a cartoon on it that said "if the kid''s are alive at the end of the day, I say my job is done"

As soon as he grew up, I went right back to my singleton world and I''m quite happy

Parenting is great for those who revel in it. Some of us just don''t have the urge ya know.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

Date: 4/22/2009 1:27:35 PM
Author: HollyS
DF, it wasn''t a decision not to have children on my part; there were extenuating circumstances. I refused to be selfish and have a child without a husband. I feel children should have, best case scenario, a mother and a father who love each other, and who provide the security of a family unit.

Now, as we all know, life doesn''t always work out the way we intended. Divorce happens. Spouses die. But deliberately having a chld out of wedlock is not, IMO, in the best interests of the child. For me, really wanting a child was not reason enough to disregard what I believe to be the right thing to do.

And yes, when I met my now husband, we were ''young enough'' to start a family. But we weren''t capable of being a family to each other at that point, let alone a child. Sure, I could have found myself a ''baby daddy''. My clock was ticking. Loudly. Like every other woman. But having a solid marriage with the right person was more important. That should be the priority of every woman -- before she has her children. That''s what children deserve. That should be their birthright. We live our lives here in the Western world with enough resources that we have only ourselves to blame if we make lousy choices for our children. I chose not to make a lousy choice for a child.

But that''s just my opinion. I''m sure someone will take issue with it, if only to justify their choices.

Holly - I think this is well put and I agree, especially with the highlighted part.

I never thought I''d have children, but now that I have my son I can''t imagine life without him. It''s not always easy but DH and I are having the time of our lives raising our son.

 

[MishB]

Date: 4/22/2009 4:05:40 PM
Author: AmberGretchen
Wouldn''t it be better to regret not having them than to regret having them? Just playing devil''s advocate...

Absolutely. I have always said, having a child is the ONE decision you make in life that you can''t unmake. Get married, not happy, get divorced. In a job you don''t like, quit. Have a child, regret it.. you can''t exactly give it away. And please don''t try to argue that no women ever regretted having a child, because I just don''t believe it.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Date: 4/22/2009 4:46:34 PM
Author: musey

Date: 4/22/2009 4:05:40 PM

Author: AmberGretchen

Wouldn't it be better to regret not having them than to regret having them? Just playing devil's advocate...

Definitely, in my opinion.


Though it seems like it would be pretty hard to actually admit regret to oneself over having children, where it's more easy (I would bet) to wish one had had kids (like I was saying earlier).

Agreed - much more socially acceptable to regret not having them.

Also, it wouldn't really be very sustainable biologically if we had a tendency to regret our kids after we had them...

I think we are really strongly programmed to fall in love with our own children after they are born.