Proposing with a loaner or promise ring - tacky?

[Hi_Im_Mike]

I was hoping to get some opinions. Please be honest. I am not sure what to do.

My girlfriend and I are having a baby. Now this isn''t why I am going to propose. I was already planning to ask, but hadn''t had a chance ... before ... oops! (the little girl or guy will be here in October)

She is a little bit worried about the perception of others that we would be getting married because of the baby. (Unknown to me she was actually really hoping I would have proposed at Valentine''s day). I am having a custom ring made. It won''t be ready for a month or two. On Easter we plan to tell the family about the baby. We have both been married once before. I have 2 kids small kids. She has 1 teenager. She is worried about how to explain to the kids about us having a baby without a plan to get married.

She knows I am looking for a ring. The element of surprise is gone. Instead I decided to make the proposal memorable. I was planning to propose by sending her on a scavenger hunt all day getting her pampered with massage, nails, hair, new dress, limo transport, etc. Then meeting her at an elegant restaurant where I am waiting in a tux to propose. Again this can''t happen for another month or two when the real ring is ready.

I had a thought though to remove the ambiguity of our relationship to the family, and actually be able to surprise her. I would play up to my gf how the ring is going to take a long time to be made, and she will need to be patient. On Easter Sunday just after she tells the family about the baby I could stand up and give a speech about my love for her, how I want to spend my life with her and this and that. Then go to a knee and propose with a loaner or inexpensive promise ring. I think I would be able to surprise her with this. I''m sure she would be disappointed in the ring though, so I would need to tell her it is a promise ring. Then when the real ring comes in, I would do the all day thing that I had been thinking about.

Sorry this is so long. I wanted to give you some details and then ask...

Would you be disappointed if you received a "not the real ring" at the proposal?
Would you give a "fake" ring to your potential fiance?
Is it just tacky?
Or would it make you happy?

Thanks,
Mike

 

[FrekeChild]

Ok. So I think the loaner thing is totally tacky. I would never want to get proposed to with a ring I couldn''t keep. You know what I''m saying? I''m all about sentimental value. My ex-roommate was proposed to with a loaner ring and not only was she upset about having to give the ring off, when people asked to see it, she had to tell them that it wasn''t the real ring.

I''d go with a cheap promise ring (at one of our local maul jewelers they have some stunning tiny diamond speck rings-I want one anyway!) or something she can wear as a right hand ring-perhaps in her birthstone or yours or a combo? Or all of the kids?

And I''d propose ASAP, and then when you guys tell your family about the baby, they already know you''re engaged. Honestly if I were in the same situation, I''d think it was really cool if I got the promise ring-and then when you get the custom ring, you could still do the scavenger hunt (which I''d love too!) and have a day of pampering for her-all to lead up to the real proposal, with the ring. Being that you''re already engaged, she wouldn''t really be expecting it really-you know what I''m saying?

I think that would be awesome, but I''m a bit weird, so take that with a grain of salt.

 

[choro72]

Speaking as a girl, I would NOT be disappointed with a temp ring at all. My friends did this, and to this day she still wears it as her Right Hand Ring. I actually wish that my BF would do this already so that we can announce to everyone that we are engaged!
Do your parents know that you are in the process of buying the ring? I am going through a pregnancy scare myself, but I know that our parents will be alright with it because they know that we have already ordered the ring, and it''s a matter of when it''s going to be done. Of course they won''t be 100% thrilled with the idea, but they will know that we are committed to each other.

As for your children, I am not a parent so I have no advice there...Sorry.

 

[FrekeChild]

If you give her the promise ring as the e-ring you could just tell her that you''ll get her the "real thing" for your one year anniversary-and then she''ll be totally off guard when you do give it to her. You could say that you just want to get engaged now and get her a really great ring later.

 

[monarch64]

Wow... nothing would make me unhappy and I wouldn''t care what piece of jewelry you proposed with if you proposed with such heartfelt sincerity that comes across in your post. could you possibly do a really thin rolling ring from rollingring.com as a placeholder sort of ring? they''re pretty inexpensive if you go for the slimmer ones in any color gold.

I don''t think any "promise" ring is "tacky" at all...you know that you have something bigger and better in the works and she will be soo happy upon finding out what you''ve been up to! You will be a lucky man that day! congrats on your family and on the new one on the way. Hope everything continues to work out well for you.

 

[aeroo]

I personally would not mind at all. In fact, I suggested this to FI before he proposed. We were travelling at the time and he told me he wanted to propose, but didn't want us to be travelling with such an expensive piece of jewellery (we were travelling for a year). I suggested he could get a fakie in the meantime and then get the real thing when we're home. I thought it would be truly memorable and extra special if he did it during our trip that I would have accepted any type of junk jewellery he would have offered.

He ended up getting the real deal though.

All I'm saying is that if the timing is good for both of you and there's some reason you can't get the ring on time, then in my opinion, your sincere proposal with a loaner/promise ring would be appropriate. I don't think it's tacky at all.

You should get her something she can keep though, like something she could wear on her right hand after she gets the actual engagement ring.

For me, the actual proposal wasn't about the ring (cliché, but so true!), it was his honesty and sincerity when he asked me to marry him. That's what I remember the most and that is the moment that still gives me tears in my eyes when I think about it.

Do you know if your lady would want family around to witness the proposal? Personally, I wanted a private proposal with no one around, but that's just me. But if she is into that, why not propose in front of the family before you announce the baby? Or if she prefers a private proposal, you could do that beforehand and then announce your engagement and baby at the same time?

Good luck on the proposal and congratulations on your upcoming wedding and baby!!!

Make sure to let us know how things go!

 

[swingirl]

With a baby on the way, children involved especially a teenager, I think it would be best to get engaged ASAP without the custom ring. An engagement represents the intent to get married. The ring only represents the engagement. You don't have to have a ring to announce your intent to marry. I don't think you ought to announce the pregnancy until you are at least engaged. And honestly I think you really ought to get engaged and married all in the same week. You are not setting a good example for the kids and it's not going to be easy to explain to the teenager why she shouldn't have sex with her boyfriend.

So skip the fake ring, get engaged and hold off on the baby announcement. That's my 2 cents.

 

[basisforaday]

you go out of your way to tell us that your not proposing because she is pregnant, but your idea is to propose right when she tells her family she is pregnant? I would be more upset about the timing then the loaner ring...although the loaner is pretty bad. why not propose with the wedding band? you''ll need to get it anyways, and in lots of countries thats customary.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

There is nothing wrong with it in my mind because that''s what my FI did. The ring search was epic, long and drawn out and would not be finished while we were in Europe. So in order to propose, he bought me a lovely little ring for about $100 that I love and have worn since then. It has been over a year and my custom should be done this week! The one thing is to make sure she knows it is "the ring". I would be a little bothered by the ring I had if I believed it was the one I was expected to wear for the rest of my life.
Another vote not to do the loaner. She will want to keep the ring you used, I know I do.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Mike, are there any other rings you know she''d love? I''m a big fan of bands, so if my FI were to have proposed with a diamond eternity band or a sapphire eternity band--or heck, any type of sapphire (his birth stone, our wedding month) would have been great. Do you know if it''s a boy or a girl? You could get her one of Facets maternity rings and propose with that, so she could wear it after. I''d suggest maybe something with October''s birth stone, but a.) it''s opal and those are typically soft stones and b.) what if the baby comes early?

One last suggestion, what if you proposed with the wedding band? I know some girls might not like that, but at least you KNOW she''d be wearing it later and it would only be temporary.

In any case, I think proposing with a ring other than the e-ring is a fine idea, but I''d definitely use a ring you know she''ll wear and love after she gets her e-ring.

 

[krisvrn]

IMO loaner ring is tacky but proposing with a diamond band, eternity diamond band etc would be fine.

 

[baby monster]

Why don''t you just ask her? I assume you know she wants to get married. So ask her if she wants a stand-in ring until the custom one is done. Tell her the actual e-ring will come with a suprise but you''re worried about family''s perceptions and want to let everyone know that you''ll be getting married before the pregnancy is announced.

 

[angiety2k]

I would say hold of on telling the family yet. Do what you planned with the finished ring and then announce as you both feel comfortable with.

 

[Hi_Im_Mike]

Thank you all for replies!!!

It does help.

I am going to get some type of small right hand ring to propose with on Sunday. I think it is a good time to do it. Now I just have to find that small ring. I going to try to find something for $500 or less.

I wish making a decision on an e-ring was easy. I thought I found it Saturday but it wasn''t quite right. The jeweler decided to help me design a custom that was right. Well he designed what he liked and didn''t listen to what I like. He lost a sale. Finding the "perfect" ring is SO hard when you aren''t sure what "perfect" is. It is too bad that it isn''t as easy as finding the best ring in the case. With something that means so much though I just can''t do that.

 

[nclrgirl]

I like the idea of proposing with an eternity band. I know that I''d want to be able to keep the "proposal" ring, and that way she''d be able to wear it with her E-ring and wedding band all on the same finger if she wanted to

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 3/16/2008 10:01:11 PM
Author: nclrgirl
I like the idea of proposing with an eternity band. I know that I''d want to be able to keep the ''proposal'' ring, and that way she''d be able to wear it with her E-ring and wedding band all on the same finger if she wanted to

Agreed. I think this is a fabulous idea. Something that she can keep is key here.

 

[princesss]

(ETA: I'm talking about getting the eternity band.)

If you do that, make sure you have a sizing bar in the back of the band, as her fingers will likely change size during the pregnancy, so you want to be sure she'll be able to wear it if her fingers permanently change size.

 

[princesss]

Ooops, double post

 

[goldenstar]

Date: 3/16/2008 9:49:10 PM
Author: Hi_Im_Mike

I wish making a decision on an e-ring was easy. I thought I found it Saturday but it wasn''t quite right. The jeweler decided to help me design a custom that was right. Well he designed what he liked and didn''t listen to what I like. He lost a sale. Finding the ''perfect'' ring is SO hard when you aren''t sure what ''perfect'' is. It is too bad that it isn''t as easy as finding the best ring in the case. With something that means so much though I just can''t do that.

I don''t think there is anything tacky about a loaner or stand-in ring.

You shouldn''t worry so much about finding a "perfect" ring. Nothing in life is perfect. If you are going to propose on Sunday, would you consider letting your girlfriend help choose and design the ring? A perfect ring is one that really fits her style. If she were involved you''ll be sure to get a ring that she loves.

 

[Hi_Im_Mike]

Date: 3/17/2008 8:00:55 PM
Author: goldenstar



You shouldn''t worry so much about finding a ''perfect'' ring. Nothing in life is perfect. If you are going to propose on Sunday, would you consider letting your girlfriend help choose and design the ring? A perfect ring is one that really fits her style. If she were involved you''ll be sure to get a ring that she loves.

Actually she has been involved in the ring design. That is part of my plan to make sure she knows how long getting the ring will take. She won''t be expecting anything Sunday. She has looked at a lot of rings and been to the jeweler with. She is frustrated because she can''t figure out what she wants. There are too many choices. She asked me to get the ring on my own.

I sketched something last night. Her fingers are small (4 1/2), so she needs a smaller ring to look right on her finger. It needs to look a bit dainty. The diamond is 1.6 ct so the ring has to be big enough to hold it. She doesn''t like a princess style prong setting. She likes the tensions setting style that shows off the entire diamond. However tension settings are too thick. Finally she really likes small diamonds hammer set with space around them in a random or offset pattern.

The diamond is to scale with a 4 1/2 finger size. What do you think? I like it except in the front view. It looks plain in that view to me.

 

[ladypirate]

Why don't you talk to one of the PS vendors about doing a custom ring for you? A lot of people have gone with WhiteFlash and been really thrilled with the results. I can't tell from your picture, but if the sides are supposed to be pave, you may want to look at Leon Mege's work as well--lovely.

ETA: Check out WhiteFlash's Allegro and Divisi rings, as well. They're similar to what you sketched and wouldn't take so long to get there since they have them in stock.

 

[Justean]

my husband and i bought eachother commitment rings b 4 he proposed. it was of celtic design and we wore it until we married. we went out together to buy them. Your idea is not tacky. Its because it your idea and thats what is special.

 

[mel047]

Just wanted to add my two cents...

I think what counts the most is what''s in your heart! (I know that sounds corny, but it''s true.)

My BF knows I have high expectations for a ring (and luckily he wants to get me something great), but also he ultimately knows that it''s him that I want in the end, fancy ring or not.

I like the ideas of proposing with the band or eternity band, but an inexpensive stand isn''t bad either. Plus, it''s always something that can be passed on to daughters as something memorable but not something expensive that you need to worry about passing on.

Also, maybe you could have a small private proposal with just the two of you and the stand-in/promise ring and have a family event for the proposal with the real ring.

Ultimately, what matters most is what will make the two of you happy, but there''s my thoughts...

 

[Elmorton]

Just adding my .02, too - I don''t think using a "stand-in" ring is tacky - but the surprise proposal only minutes after announcing the pregnancy to the entire family seems a little awkward. Maybe let the two events stand alone with equal importance and announce them on different days?