Wedding Poll: Inviting children

[Shoopy]

FI dropped a bomb on my lap today. We have a venue meeting on Saturday and one of the questions I was going to ask is whether they have a kids menu. He replies with "I don''t want children at the wedding."

Now before everyone gets all "that''s inconsiderate" he doesn''t have any kids on his side at all (youngest is 15). He has one friend with a 5 year old that is not with the mother anymore so he won''t bring his son. I have one girlfriend that will take the opportunity as a night out with the hubby and leave the two kids at home with grandma. The only people that would bring children would be my three local cousins. They each have three children.

Because he doesn''t have kids on his side, he rather it be an adult party (he doesn''t even want to invite the 15 year old). I secretly would prefer only adults as well but I luff my cousins and I know they woud feel hurt/upset if I didn''t extend the invite to their kids. They most likely will not come. So for this reason, I''m torn.

Anyways, just wanted to know what the brides are doing.

 

[mimzy]

i voted no/no problems, but i wanted to add that i am inviting all my cousins. there are just a few (4 total) that aren''t graduated from high school (and the youngest is in middle school), so they aren''t really "children". but i''m not inviting other''s teen kids!

 

[FrekeChild]

I chose no and no problems, but I am not yet engaged. The cool thing (IMHO) is that the youngest people invited will be FF''s nephews--the younger is 14 in November and the older is 20 in October. And being that we probably won''t be getting married for another year, but probably two, means that they''ll be 15/16 and 21/22.

This is also one of the reasons we want to go to Vegas with less than 20 people and not deal with my brothers who have 7 children between them (only two brothers and their wives-that''s 11 extra people!). And it''s Vegas, and IMHO not exactly a kid friendly place (nudie prostitute cards being handed out on the Strip anyone?)

 

[Neveah]

My DH and I were adamantly opposed to children at our wedding. We just don''t feel weddings are the place for them..... Even well behaved I have been to weddings where they take up the entire dance floor... and the adults stayed away. Not going to happen to us!

I wrote an email to all the parents of young children 8 months before our wedding. I just simply said that we were sorry for the inconvienence but we were having an adults only wedding. We wanted to give them plenty of time to find childcare. Everyone was very understanding (what they said behind our backs, I don''t know!

) In fact most were looking forward to an adult evening! We only had one couple not come because of it... and, oh well!

I think notifying them ahead of time (instead of simply sending the invite 6 weeks before the wedding just addressed to Mr. and Mrs.) is a nice gesture. And it will help with them adding their children on the RSVP. (Which in all honesty some will do anyway. Ugh... some people! I made some uncomfortable calls but oh well. We refused to have children)

I had many people compliment that it was so nice to be at a wedding without a bunch of kids running around. Of course, some people love that as well. Just goes to prove... Have the wedding YOU want!!

Good Luck!

 

[bee*]

No we''re not having any children at our wedding. My cousin and one of D''s cousins are the only people that have children and they don''t mind leaving them at home for the night.

 

[violet02]

I put no with no problems EXCEPT I'm having both of my cousins there. One is 10 and she's my jr bridesmaid, the other is 7 and he's my ring bearer. They are brother and sister. I don't know anyone with kids really. My one friend has a toddler but they already knew it wouldn't be appropriate to bring him so it was a non-issue (thankfully).

The issue might have come in to play had my FI's cousins brought their multitude of children. But they couldn't afford to fly across country much less fly their big families out with them as well. So we dodged a bullet there so to speak.

I would prefer no young children unless it's a nursing mother/infant type situation. My FI would have wanted his cousins kids there though... I would not have. I know that the his families friend's son that invited himself mentioned that his wife and child wouldn't make the trip... had he tried to invite them as well there probably would have been some awkwardness over telling them they could't bring their young child.

My friend (who has the toddler) understood because at his wedding they said no kids... and they had friends show up with their 3 children! The woman who did this told them 'I never go anywhere without my kids' and it was rough because not only did they show up uninvited but they had to feed them too, and their caterer charges the same no matter how old you are. My friend said he was miffed when he went out with his wife a month later and ran into this same couple out on the town WITHOUT their kids!

 

[diamondfan]

I am mixed on this. To me, if you love the people and their kids and the event is kid appropriate, do it. If not, it is likely to cause problems but you have to do what works for you. My son''s bar mitzvah is black tie, and I have the kids downstairs in a room with their dj and activities and a buffet. These activities are mostly geared toward thirteen year olds. The upstairs is a sit down meal, fancy, with a band. I am not setting tables for kids up there and no little ones (I have family with an 18 month old and 3 year old and then a 4 year old who is insanely spoiled and will not leave his parents alone for a moment and I am NOT having him upstairs). I am providing baby sitters, I can have a room in the temple available and I live literally one block away so I am happy to have kids at my home with my nanny. I just feel this is not about small kids, and even the most well behaved kids can make it tough on the parents. They can come to the Friday night dinner and also on the Sunday to brunch, I am totally fine with it, but just think the Saturday night it is not really geared for small kids.

 

[fleur-de-lis]

The hosts get to decide the guest list; the guests have the freedom of choice whether the event works within their parameters or not.

When you're planning a wedding, you have to expect that there will be some fallout with some decision you make at some time. If ever the saying "you can please some of the people some of the time, but you can't please all of the people all of the time" were to apply to something, a wedding would be it.

Good luck with your decision!
f-d-l


[p.s. Shh.... lean in close, this needs to be kept on the low-down... me, I prefer black tie events to be adult only. I enjoy posh events. I enjoy champagne, dancing, flirtation, and witty banter! Now, not all weddings are black-tie evening affairs; there are many which are styled in a way (like the daytime garden wedding) that lends itself very well to being multi-generational events with kids running around the dance floor playing tag and those are great too. But when it comes to candlelit evening weddings designed for pleasures best enjoyed by adults, well... when I hear of those parents of children beyond infant age who can't BEAR to leave their school-aged children with a competent adult for a few hours, because of one fear or another, I can't help but think in my terribly politically incorrect way that those parents have done both themselves and their children a disservice in the end.]

 

[oobiecoo]

We had a few children attend and they really added to our wedding! They were dancing and playing croquet outside... my photog got some GREAT shots of them in action and I really think having children there added to the fun atmosphere.

Of course it''s everyone''s own decision to make and this decision was right for us.

 

[marchswallowbird]

I am inviting children even though I don't really want any children at my wedding.

My FH is already a grandfather and he wants his granddaughters there. A girlfriend of mine will also be coming cross-country and would need to bring her 13-year-old daughter because there is no one to watch her. Plus I know the daughter...played with her when she was little. So they're all invited. The granddaughters will serve as flowergirls.

No other children are invited. I'm not inviting the 12-year-old son of another friend who I know has someone to watch her son for the weekend (destination wedding). I hardly know this little boy at all. Inconsistent? Yup. But she's fine with it.

I have also talked to FI about how to discourage his nephew and wife from bringing their 1-year-old. Inconsistent? Yup. But I don't care. They'll survive. If they want to pout, they can. I don't want small children disrupting my wedding. The only reason the granddaughters are coming is because they are granddaughters. Truthfully, I wish they weren't coming either, because they are not very well behaved. But I would never ask that of FH.

Things get REALLY complicated when your FI has children from a previous marriage. On the other hand, when you get to a certain point, you stop fretting so much over what people will think about your actions.

Oh, it probably makes a difference that this is a daytime wedding and will be pretty informal.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

Date: 8/20/2008 7:45:05 PM
Author: fleur-de-lis
[p.s. Shh.... lean in close, this needs to be kept on the low-down... me, I prefer black tie events to be adult only. I enjoy posh events. I enjoy champagne, dancing, flirtation, and witty banter! Now, not all weddings are black-tie evening affairs; there are many which are styled in a way (like the daytime garden wedding) that lends itself very well to being multi-generational events with kids running around the dance floor playing tag and those are great too. But when it comes to candlelit evening weddings designed for pleasures best enjoyed by adults, well... when I hear of those parents of children beyond infant age who can''t BEAR to leave their school-aged children with a competent adult for a few hours, because of one fear or another, I can''t help but think in my terribly politically incorrect way that those parents have done both themselves and their children a disservice in the end.]

We are having kids and having a fairly black tie event. I love what you described, ut a wedding is not like other dinner parties. We have mostly relatives who, while we love them, are not the sort of people one goes to for elegant dancing and witty banter and there are very few singles who are not bringing random dates. I have always wanted to go to a posh party like this, but have yet to go to one where the people are ever as interesting as this sounds. For that reason, we want to have children to infuse life into a wedding that would otherwise be fairly dull.

 

[Haven]

We had a formal daytime wedding and invited children of all ages. For us, a marriage is the celebration of the start of our family, and so we wanted the children there. We would have invited them if we had an evening wedding, as well.

I made buckets for each of the children. They were big and colorful, I painted their names on the sides, and filled them with goodies. They had sunglasses, bandanas, yo-yos, stamps, crayons, bubbles, and several other items. We had a special table for the buckets and the kids spent nearly the entire reception playing joyfully at the table.

Oh, and children in formal wear are the cutest things ever. EVER. It wouldn''t have been a complete wedding without them, in my opinion.

 

[neatfreak]

I think you have to do what works/is best for you. We had a luncheon and we DID invite kids. But we only had one actually brought. But we LOOOOVE kids so it was an easy decision for us.

I think for a formal evening event I would lean towards no though. Otherwise, I think it is totally up to you!

 

[Izzy03]

The only children invited to our wedding are our two flower girls and two ring bearers. They are my FI''s nieces and nephews, are very well behaving, and should be there for the wedding of their uncle.

HOWEVER, there will be NO OTHER CHILDREN ALLOWED! My FI and I really aren''t fond of most children. I don''t have any relatives younger than 16, and all my FI''s young relatives are devils! You should have seen them at the last two funerals I went to. If they were allowed to go nuts at a funeral, I can''t even imagine a wedding.

If their parents are offended by us not extending the invitation to their children, then they are welcome to decline attending. We really would rather the parents of these children not show up either(they have been very rude to me and FI in the past), but FI feels obligated to invite them.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I did have children at my wedding. Honestly the thought of them there *never* bothered me. I think they add kind of a fun element. Now that I am a mom it is so HARD to go to OOT weddings without our baby. I responded to your thread in hangout so I am sure you don't want to hear my views about it again

We have no local family so unless the OOT wedding is WHERE our parents live we would not go.


ETA: I had a formal wedding.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Only teens..but so far no one else has any younger anyway.

 

[diamondfan]

My youngest will be at the bar mitzvah in a gorgeous suit, but I feel it is not the place for really small kids due to the way the party is set up. Other events it might be different but for me this event is set up a certain way. At my wedding I really knew no one with kids. I was so young and none of my friends were even married yet.

 

[miraclesrule]

My daughter didn''t have any, except for the flower girl''s baby brother. Even the Flower Girl and the Ring Bearer were present for the ceremony only. They both were whisked away to stay with the babysitter as well as with the baby daughter of her new SIL who was a BM. We had no issues. In fact, everyone who had kids said it was nice to have a formal affair and dinner and a night out without the children.

However, if there would have been a whole boatload of kids we had to worry about, perhaps she would have chosen a different venue and we would have had a different type of wedding. It is all based on what you choose together to do.

 

[Linda W]

Yes, we did have children at my daughter''s wedding. She wanted them there and we did too. We all got a kick out of them dancing. They were priceless. They behaved very well, during the ceremony.


Linda

 

[loverocks]

I voted kids of all ages. Though, truthfully I don''t want to have children at the wedding/reception. Luckily, it worked out pretty comfortably b/c I only have 2 young girls coming, a nursing baby, and two older teenage cousins of FI. I am fine with all of them. I think I might feel differently if there were a lot of kids though, I don''t think I would be okay wiith that.

 

[Cleopatra]

We had an "Adults Only" reception - children were invited to the ceremony to see their older cousin get married - but hardly any of the parents brought their children to the ceremony.

Our "Adults Only" worked out very well - we didn''t have a single complaint or a single child under 18 come to the reception. Everyone had a great time and parents really let loose!

 

[jcrow]

we had no children and no problems.

we really only had one couple to confront. we said that we hopped that this event would be a time for her and her husband to have a night out.

we didn''t have any flower kids either.

this worked best for us.

 

[musey]

I voted "yes-children of all ages," but we're young (which means practically no friends have kids) and have relatively small families (not many young relatives). We always wanted to include kids in the wedding because, for us, that's a big part of what our marriage will be about.

There are a total of 6 under-12 kids on the invite list, and only 3 are attending (plus an infant, which I think is a given). We know all three of those kids very well and know they won't cause a ruckus, so I'm not worried at all.

We did, however, leave one 17-year-old "kid" off the invite list because his parents are friends of my parents, and the two of them were invited alone (we only invited full family-units from our own family). They ended up calling my mom to ask if he could come. Mom said yes

whatever.

 

[tessari]

My wedding won''t be until 2010, so I don''t know who will have babies by that point but I do have a 2 year old half sister who will be almost 4 at that point and she is definitely coming for the whole thing. I don''t want her to be bored though and bugging her parents the whole time, so I will probably let other kids come.

 

[julesbeth]

Technically I have 3 bebes coming, my two flower girls, and my FI''s 2 year old cousin (I mentioned him NOT coming and his gram threw a FIT, not worth it to me to get in a fight over a cute 2 year old).

 

[taovandel]

I''m having children at my wedding/reception. The venue is an aquarium, so I figured they would have something to do instead of just sitting there crying or whatever.

Otherwise, different venue--I''d probably say no to children also.

 

[kittybean]

The only children at my wedding will be my 15-year-old brother and my 15-year-old cousin. We don''t know very many children, and I purposely omitted inviting other family children because I have some second cousins that never fail to ruin any event they attend. They are awful! No complaining/issues to report with this decision...yet. I have a feeling it will be a huge issue once the invites go out. We''ll see...

 

[Haven]

Oh, I should add that my two year old twin cousins were ADORABLE at our wedding. One of my favorite pictures is a candid my sister got of the two of them dancing with me. (It''s one of maybe ten good pictures that I have of my wedding.

)

And one of the twins yelled out "YAAAAAAAY!!!!" in her little girl voice right after our rabbi said "It is a pleasure for me to be here to share in the celebration of the marriage of Haven and Mr. Haven." It was adorable.

 

[blondie23]

Date: 8/21/2008 12:02:22 PM
Author: jcrow
we had no children and no problems.

we really only had one couple to confront. we said that we hopped that this event would be a time for her and her husband to have a night out.

we didn't have any flower kids either.

this worked best for us.

DITTO. We specifically didn't want children at our wedding. For those famililes who did have children we simply let them know ahead of time. If they had a problem with it we said, "we're sorry if you won't able to make it but this is our decision." All but one family (15 famlies total) didn't come.

We also didn't have flower girls, ring bearers, etc.

It's your wedding. Do what YOU want!

ETA: Not having children allowed us to really keep our numbers down. Having children would have added an additional 22 people.

 

[rubybeth]

I''m with bee* though our flower girl and ring bearer were the only kids at our wedding for a few reasons: 1) it was a very small wedding, 2) it was an evening wedding, and 3) only two couples invited had children under age 12 and they both said they''d leave their kids home anyway since bedtime was right when our reception would be kicking off.

I don''t think many parents who put their kids to bed at 8pm would bring them to a wedding that began at 6pm, but I asked them before sending the invites. I wasn''t particularly bothered by having kids at the wedding or not, but it was so small, it seemed a waste to invite a 1 and 5 year old when we could have another aunt and uncle instead.

Also, I took care to bring markers and paper and little presents for the ring bearer and flower girl since we didn''t have a dance and the dinner/mingling was the main event and didn''t much include them.