Wedding Picking the date question -- It seems impossible!

[katamari]

Hi everyone! This is my first topic in BWW

This wedding stuff if absolutely blowing my mind, though, so I am sure it is just the first of many.

I have just barely been engaged for two weeks. All of my family knows that J and I are planning on eloping somewhere fabulous with only our parents and his brother (I am an only child). We are having a reception when we return so our extended families and friends have the opportunity to meet. Even with these intentions clear, we are still getting tons of questions about when the wedding/reception will be, and I am starting to feel the pressure to set a date. However, this seem particularly impossible to me because of where we are at in our professional lives.

Some background: We are both graduate students which means we are really limited to when we can be away long enough to marry and honeymoon. We basically have a three-week break in December and another in September and one-week breaks in June and March (which I honestly do not feel will be enough time, especially since they follow exam week--the craziest times in our year). Even more, FI may transfer programs at the end of this school year, which could make December our only long break in common.

Also, years ago, I made a promise to my mother that I would finish my education before I started a family. I know this was long before I decided to spend my twenties and early thirties in grad school, but it is a very important promise to me. I have a tentative date to defend my dissertation, but there are so many variables that could change the date that it seems impossible to plan on this date being a reality. Not to mention that every moment I spend thinking about and planning delays my dissertation work.

Any suggestions?

Did all of you just set the date, even though you had lots of reservations? Or, did you wait until everything was in line first? And, if you waited, how long of an engagement did you end up having as a result?

 

[Octavia]

My FI and I didn't set our date until about 6 months into our engagement; however, we did have a general idea of when we wanted to get married. So when people asked, I could give an answer that was vague but still enough to satisfy their nosiness ("well, we haven't actually set the date but we're thinking of next October"). If you even have a general idea of when you might be getting married and/or having your reception, I'd suggest this approach. If you're able to say to people, "It's difficult to set a date because of our grad school schedules, but we're hoping for [insert general time frame here]," it will probably get them off your back.

But don't feel bad about saying that you haven't set the date and don't intend to set it for awhile -- you're JUST engaged and should feel free to tell people you're going to enjoy being engaged for awhile before you move into wedding mode! If they don't like it, it's their problem and not yours.

 

[marchswallowbird]

I agree completely with Octavia. Don''t let other people dictate your timeline, you have to feel comfortable with this process. There''s no need to rush. I got these same questions after I became engaged, and having a general timeframe ("we''re looking at either spring or fall of ''09") worked great.

 

[bootsiekin]

Hi fellow grad student!

I agree with not allowing people to pressure you into setting a date, and yeah it would be easy to just give them a season and leave it at that!

I picked mine because FI said, "I like the fall" and so I chose the Saturday (this Saturday!!

) which is the beginning of our Fall break..that way I am technically gone from school for only one week instead of two. (not that I would usually even take fall break off!) So, I think planning your wedding during a break from school is the best way to go in grad school even if it seems less romantic.

When you say "starting a family" do you mean just the marriage or children? I am sure you know having kids in grad school is pretty much impossible! (in my opinion). As for the marriage..I know a ton of people who got married while in grad school. I think its easier in a way to plan the wedding while in school because I can just step out of lab during the day while an expt is going to make phone calls, etc. If I was still at my full time job I dont think I would have been able to do things like that. As for your promise..I think most parents are afraid if you get married while in school you wont finish school. If you have a tentative dissertation date you have to be getting close, so your wedding is obviously not going to interfere with you graduating. I would talk it over with your mom.

 

[tessari]

You have 8 weeks off per year!??!? Sorry, but I don''t see the problem here. No offense. Most people only have 2.

 

[neatfreak]

We're graduate students too and no time is ever perfect. Don't let people bully you, just say "we're thinking about it and will let you know as soon as we know". Just pick a time that works for you guys and go with it. We thought about it for awhile, picked a date, and then ended up picking a date a year earlier just one random day because we thought about it, and we could! So no one says you can't change your mind either...

 

[pjean]

Date: 10/8/2008 2:30:27 PM
Author: tessari
You have 8 weeks off per year!??!? Sorry, but I don''t see the problem here. No offense. Most people only have 2.

But many people have evenings and weekends, which in my experience graduate students don''t. Any line of work has its own problems.

 

[katamari]

Date: 10/8/2008 2:30:27 PM
Author: tessari
You have 8 weeks off per year!??!? Sorry, but I don''t see the problem here. No offense. Most people only have 2.

Oh snap! No, this totally doesn''t mean that I get 8 weeks off a year (I barely get 8 hours off a year), but that there is only 8 weeks that I could potentially leave town because I am not teaching a class.

Thanks for having my back, pjean!

 

[katamari]

Thanks so much Octavia, marchswallowbird, and neatfreak. I think the "we are thinking next December" will hold off the troops for awhile. I am just starting to worry that we will have to change our wedding vision because it doesn''t work with out timeline. I feel much better to think that it eventually falls into place.

 

[katamari]

Date: 10/8/2008 2:15:17 PM
Author: bootsiekin
Hi fellow grad student!

I agree with not allowing people to pressure you into setting a date, and yeah it would be easy to just give them a season and leave it at that!


I picked mine because FI said, ''I like the fall'' and so I chose the Saturday (this Saturday!!

) which is the beginning of our Fall break..that way I am technically gone from school for only one week instead of two. (not that I would usually even take fall break off!) So, I think planning your wedding during a break from school is the best way to go in grad school even if it seems less romantic.


When you say ''starting a family'' do you mean just the marriage or children? I am sure you know having kids in grad school is pretty much impossible! (in my opinion). As for the marriage..I know a ton of people who got married while in grad school. I think its easier in a way to plan the wedding while in school because I can just step out of lab during the day while an expt is going to make phone calls, etc. If I was still at my full time job I dont think I would have been able to do things like that. As for your promise..I think most parents are afraid if you get married while in school you wont finish school. If you have a tentative dissertation date you have to be getting close, so your wedding is obviously not going to interfere with you graduating. I would talk it over with your mom.

Congrats on it being your wedding week, Bootsiekin!

I do agree that we almost have to have it during a break to make it practical. And, I did never think about the benefit of time flexibility in terms of planning. Plus, I totally have the option of putting in 16 hours on a Sunday to be able to make an appointment in the middle of a weekday.

And, I know my mom was more concerned with me not finishing (which is not even a possibility). She would totally understand and be okay with me getting married while I was in school, but I do view marriage as starting my family even though I understand it might mean having children. In the end, I might have to let that go because breaks can be planned around so much better than being able to defend your dissertation can.

Have a fantastic wedding!