picking "our song" and FI participation

[janinegirly]

hi--i was wondrering how some of you came up with songs to dance to, particularly the bride and groom song if you there isn''t a song that''s really obvious. We just don''t have a particular song that has come up in our relationship.
Is this something I should work with FI on and pick one that we just like?
On a side note, FI is not doing too much for planning..part of me is annoyed and part of me realizes it''s the bride who does the bulk of the work usually. He''s a wonderful man, but not particulary romantic and doesn''t like planning. Can anyone relate or have suggestions? I thought of putting a list of things to do/work on together for him (like a very small checklist compared to the giant one I have)--but don''t want him to feel like i''m bossing him around. he''s agreed to take on the honeymoon, but feels he doesn''t have to start on this till 6mo''s or so before. (we''re at 7 mo mark).

argh!

 

[Mandarine]

Hi Janine!

How about just choosing *your* favorite love songs and then play them while you guys are together?...see how you feel about some of them?. You don''t have to make it a "task"...just make a CD or something and play it while you guys have a nice dinner at home?...Ideas: The way you look tonight (my fav!), At last, From this moment.....there are so many great songs out there!

I thought my FI would be hands-off, but I think he will have something to say about everything! hehe... I don''t think he would actually do any of the planning, but I''m ok with that!. I''m a project manager, so I''m ok with doing all the planning...he''s in the financial business so he''s great at negotiating! so I think I will do most of the planing myself, narrow my options and the just involve him when we''re in the negotiating phases (I suck at negotiating!). So maybe you shouldn''t give him a "list", but you know what he''s good at and what he "enjoys"...so use that!

Good luck

M~

 

[akw94]

Janine,
I can completely relate. My FI really isn''t doing anything. I suggested him researching the honeymoon but he really didn''t see the need to start that yet. That was a bit frustrating but I''m letting it go. I have mentioned that if there''s something he would like to do to let me know. He hasn''t done that yet and I''m not holding my breath. I know that he will pretty much go along w/whatever I like, so in some ways, it''s just easier for me to do it. I''ve actually never been great at delegating so tend to take on all tasks myself. This really is no different and I figure that at least this way, I can''t get annoyed at him for not doing things my way or my speed, etc... It probably will give us less conflict in the end. Even though it is irritating sometimes.
He is good though at coming w/me whenever I want to look at something but I''m starting to do little things w/o him b/c trips to Michaels just don''t make him all that warm inside.

I think he has NO idea the amount of time and effort I''ve already put into this. The thing is, if it were up to him, we''d have about 5 people at our wedding which would take virtually no planning so he sees it more as my thing... Whatever!

As far as picking the song, I''d probably ask him if he has any suggestions. If he says no, maybe you can make a short list and then pick one together. If he has no preference, just pick yourself. We don''t have a particular song either so I just figured I''d ask him and end up picking what I like if he doesn''t have an opinion.

 

[ellaila]

My advice: deep breaths ....

My hubby had little involvement in our planning, and we were on a very tight timeframe (just four months from planning till the wedding day), and it was frustrating to say the least! It was hard because I felt like if anything came out wrong, it would be my fault and my fault alone because I was the one who picked everything out. I mean, he did go to the florist and photographer with me, and he did have opinions on things, but he sure as hell wasn''t researching florists or photographers (or cakes or venues or ...)!

Unfortunately, most brides I know were in the same boat. Sure, some guys are involved, but if you know your guy isn''t a) romantic and b) into planning, then you can''t expect him to all of a sudden be on board with planning something romantic! Just realize that he''s probably NOT going to care about the flowers or the look of the cake or other "girly" details like that. He may care about the music and the honeymoon, but really all those bridal picky-picky choices he''s just probably not going to be on board with.

In terms of honeymoon planning, that was the one thing that I also put my guy in charge of ... and ultimately, we wound up doing that together. And we booked that about two months before the honeymoon, so don''t stress too much about not having anything planned yet! I mean, for any other vacation you''ve taken, do you normally book a full half-year in advance?!

Hmm, I don''t have much to add on the wedding song thing as we didn''t have dancing at our wedding. We did have processional and recessional songs though, and for those, we used one song that had meaning to us (the one I walked down to), and the other two songs (one for him w/parents and then our recessional) were songs that we just chose because we liked them.

I wish I had some fantastic advice for you, but all I can say is, unfortunately, it seems that most of the time most of the wedding planning does fall on the bride, so most of us can relate I''m sure! So vent away from time to time if you need to -- we''re here!

PS - And I''m not saying that ALL guys are uninvolved in their weddings. I''m just speaking from my own and friends'' experiences that I know of.

 

[janinegirly]

hey dixie! sounds like you can relate..my FI is like yours! He is happy about getting married, but sees the wedding as something for me since he''d be just as fine with eloping. He''s just not much of a planner in general, so to him 7 months is an eternity. I do try to gently give him tasks but he just says "mmmhmmm" which means it might have gone out the other ear already. well at least we can vent to each other when we get annoyed. Most days i''m ok with doing the majority of planning, but like you, i don''t think fi understand how much i''m doing and that at times it''s overwhelming.

mandarine, thanks for the great suggestions! I also love the songs you mentioned, especially From this moment! that''s so cool that your FI is helping more than you expected. I''ve been planning 3 mo''s now, and it''s becoming more of a chore! I think once it''s closer everyone will pitch in more, but right now I''m the only one (and my mother!) who realizes 7 mo''s is not that much time to plan everything!

 

[janinegirly]

thanks ellalia! you are v. right!
i guess some of my frustration is that I only give FI tasks that i think he might enjoy more (band, honeymoon, music choice) but even that is like pulling teeth. i''d never expect his input on girly stuff. i actually go to photographers on my own and chose the band..although i always allow him final say, but he usually defers to me. Which ultimately, I am okay with.
i think he''ll do the honeymoon since he''s telling his friends taht''s his job, but just don''t see much proactiveness. when i bring up wedding planning, he goes into zombie mode. Right now trying to get him to give me his guest list with addresses...that''s taking a bit of time too..

anyway, i''m know i''m not alone, which is why this board is so great!! and yes, deep breath...

 

[Mandarine]

Let me re-phrase...mine is not helping at all....haha....he just has something to say about everything! (don''t like that, like this, etc).....very opinionated when it comes to it, which is why I''m just going to involve him once I have my options narrowed down! hehehe...

The honeymoon is definitely his thing though....I''m hoping to stay out of that!, but we''ll see!

M~

 

[labbielove]

Hi JanineGirly,

Sounds like we''re in the same boat- 7 months out with lots to do and an FI that seems as though he doesn''t want to plan.

I have a suggestion- your idea of a list is great. I think men like to "cross things off".
One word of caution- if you give him a task, make sure you''re ready to give up control, or at least establish up front who/how the decision will be made. This can avoid misunderstandings.

An example- rather than say "you book the DJ", why not say "you find 3 DJs for us to choose from", that way you''re not in a position where he ends up booking some horrible DJ and then to him it seems you''re overriding his decision.

Personally, at least with my FI, I know it''s overwhelming to him. I''ve been in/to so many weddings and I think sometimes it''s scary and unfamiliar territory for guys. Please don''t take it as he doesn''t care or love you, or want to be married.

Another suggestion- I asked FI up front his "big" important things- he is really into wine so will be coordinating what wine/liquor we''ll be serving with the caterer, he is also into music so he is building the playlist for our reception. He is totally planning the honeymoon because I don''t care where we go as long as it''s away!
He doesn''t care less about the flowers, so I did that on my own. For invitations, I''m doing the legwork and then narrowing down the choices to 2 or 3 and asking his input. He''s a computer whiz so he''ll be doing the maps and OOT booklets/schedules, and is designing our STDs. It''s a matter of finding out what he cares about and what he doesn''t.

Hth, and hang in there, you''re not alone!

 

[firebirdgold]

Yeah, well, I''d be cautious about getting too complacent about your fi''s lack of participation or level of caring about the details. I just made that mistake.
Mine''s been very agreeable and mellow about making decisions from the choices I present to him. Right up until the announcement. He picked the announcement from the site I sent him, and was oddly definitive. (I should have been warned from that!) I talked to him about the wording, emailed his parents, and I really thought we were in agreement. Right up until I told him I''d ordered them and what the wording was. He was furious that I hadn''t sent him the exact wording and talked to him before ordering!

His father apparently really wanted his full name, rather than the short version. So I changed it. I told him I changed it. He got mad again because I hadn''t changed his mother''s name too. oy. And then my parents wanted their names changed to match his parents. Fortunately I just caught it as it was about to be printed! Phew.
Who would have thought that he''d care about the announcements! Totally caught me by surprise!!

So the moral of the story: Just because your guy doesn''t want to do the research, and seems agreeable to your choices on the details, does not mean he doesn''t care about any of the details!

Turns out mine has some weird division of labour in mind. The guy does all the work for the proposal and engagement, and the woman does all the work planning the wedding yet he gets to make the final decisions! (ok, maybe not that bad, joint decisions). Too bad the gender division of labour thing doesn''t cover who takes out the trash!

 

[Pandora II]

Mine wants to be presented with the final choices as which point he will give his opinion - but only for about 10 minutes at any one time. So I showed him invitation choices one day and cake ideas another.

However, I overheard him telling his BM that he wants to get his group together soon to go over what they are responsible for - he''s having 5 best men each of whom will take part of the role. Our wedding isn''t till next summer, but we both have such terrible schedules that if we don''t start now, we''ll never get there!