Home Passing on a family name

[meresal]

If we have a boy we are using DH's first name and my father's middle name. I am very close with my dad, and I want our son to be part of him. Well, DH's dad recently made a comment about wanting a grandchild to have his middle name as well. Ironic, huh?

The baby is already going to carry on the grandfather's last name, is it really approrpraite to say that you would like another name carried on as well? and especially done so AFTER we told everyone our name choices...

FYI, due to many past incidents from growing up, DH is adamant that he will never be like his dad, and I know that using his name will never be an option anyway, I guess I'm just asking out of curiosity.

Were any of you all in the position where you were supposed to "carry on" a name and didn't want to? Was it awkward?

ETA: Both of DH's siblings have "family" names, neither of which are from his dad's side of the family, and I'm curious to see if they will indeed carry them on.

 

[Haven]

Is he the type who is just super excited about having a grandchild and the name comment is a manifestation of his daydreams about the baby? OR, is he meddlesome and controlling and this is just one more thing to add to the list of things he''s done?

I wouldn''t say it''s inappropriate of him to say that he''d like the baby to carry on another of his names, but if he throws a fit when the baby''s here and he learns that you didn''t use his name, that''s another story.

We don''t give children names of living family members in my culture, so this is something that won''t ever come up for us.

I''m so excited that you''re pregnant, Mere!

 

[E B]

Date: 11/16/2009 1:12:29 PM
Author:meresal

The baby is already going to carry on the grandfather's last name, is it really approrpraite to say that you would like another name carried on as well? and especially done so AFTER we told everyone our name choices...

Hold firm and give that baby boy your father's name as a middle if that's what makes you happiest. Grandpa will just have to get over it.

My son has my father's middle name as his middle name, and my husband's (and my) last name. (His first is just a name we liked, no family ties.) When discussing potential middle names, I was pretty firm on using the name from my side of the family- it was important to my father, and it was only fair, since my son would be 'carrying on' my husband's last name. We'll do the same thing if we have a second son or a daughter- a middle name from my side of the family, and his family's surname.

(Was that confusing or what?

)

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 11/16/2009 1:30:21 PM
Author: EBree

Date: 11/16/2009 1:12:29 PM

Author:meresal


The baby is already going to carry on the grandfather''s last name, is it really approrpraite to say that you would like another name carried on as well? and especially done so AFTER we told everyone our name choices...

Hold firm and give that baby boy your father''s name as a middle if that''s what makes you happiest. Grandpa will just have to get over it.

DITTO. They''ll get over it when they see that gorgeous baby.

 

[meresal]

I think that he would just love for a baby to be named after him. He is very exited about the grandbaby, which I was extremely shocked about and talks about it all the time. Which I love and find very cute. Then we told them about the names...

It surprised me that this didn't come up until after we told them that we were using my Dad's middle name. The night that we told them was very awkward. DH loves the nickname "Deuce" since he and the LO will share a name, and his dad's immediate response was, "He's not really a 2nd since you aren't using your own middle name." DH and I were both taken aback, so it makes me wonder if he is insulted that we are using my dad's middle name. Neither his mom nor his dad are very keen about the nickname and it is very obvious. His mom keeps asking how my dad spells his middle name. I have told her at least 3 times and she continues to do it. I jsut don't understand.
His mom also keeps making snide remarks about the nickname. Like, "Well, as long as it isn't used formally. (Laughs)" I just blow it off, but DH is good about speaking up whenever she says things in front of him.

It just caught me off guard, because I see passing on a name as a sign of admiration for that person, and when you know his dad and how he was to the kids and his family when they were growing up, he obviously wasn't looking for admiration, because DH has none for his dad, (other than that he is a very successful businessman).

I guess I am just more shocked that he actually thinks that he deserves to have a grandchild named after him. I know that sounds bad.

Thanks Haven!! We are so excited!!

 

[meresal]

Ebree- I love that you did the same thing! My dad wasn''t even expecting it and he is so excited!

Thanks Neat- I''m hoping that is the case! MIL has already commented that she will do anything that she wants with the baby... everything has been great between us since announcing the baby, and I''m really hoping that it stays that way.

 

[mia1181]

I don''t know, it just sounds like he feels left out. Obviously you guys can name your kiddo whatever you want and they''ll just have to deal with it.

I have a similar relationship with my mother. I love my mom and keep a relationship with her, but I do not think she was a great mother when I was growing up. I am closer in a lot of ways to my MIL but I still try and be fair with my mom. I let my mom believe that we are closer than we really are, mostly because I try to avoid conflict and at this point I''m not sure there is any reason to keep pointing out all the wrongs of the past. I choose to keep a positive relationship with her so I can''t really fault her for thinking she was a good mom.

So if I were in your situation the next time it came up I would just say something like "Oh I just love how our little bean is going to have Daddys first name, my dad''s middle name, and your last name." Just let him think he is in there too. Or say "oh using your middle name would have been a great idea, but since we have your last name.." I just don''t think there is any harm in letting him think that you guys are considering using his last name as including him too. It sounds like you guys do have a relationship with them and still see them so I''m not sure you want to go down the "you don''t deserve to have our child named after you" road.

As for MIL, good thing your DH is firm with her. It''s unfortunate, but a lot of people feel the need to tell expecting parents their opinions on baby names. I know my baby names will be "out there" so I don''t think we''ll be telling people before the baby arrives.

 

[MustangGal]

I''d stick with what you want. It''s your baby, and having your DH on your side will help. It might just be he "expected" you to use the name, and the comment came out without much thought.

My dad made a few comments about using his name, but with a light note to it. He wasn''t ever there for me, so I never even considered using any part of his name anyway. DH chose to give our son his middle name, which is also his father''s first name, then we chose a new first name for the baby. For a daughter, we were going to use my great grandmother''s middle name, but also choose a new first name.

My SIL decided not to use the name that had been a tradition in DH''s family. The first born son of the first born son has had the middle name William for like 5 generations. If I was in her situation, I would have used it, but she just claimed she didn''t know about the tradition (even though my DH pointed it out to her when she was like 30 weeks preggo

), and gave her son a new name with no family ties on either side.

 

[packrat]

I have mom''s middle name and my brother has dad''s..tho his is spelled differently. They didn''t plan it that way, just didn''t care for other middle name with our first names. London has my middle name b/c I wanted to pass that on-I hope she does too, when she has kids, but it won''t be up to me..dangit. Trapper has JD''s first name as his middle name. JD doesn''t like his middle name, and he and dad both have the same first name, so it worked out perfectly. JD''s father also has the same name as my dad..but we have no contact with him, and the one time JD heard me say that he, his dad and my dad all have the same name and it worked well that we didn''t have to choose for Trapper''s middle name, he said it wouldn''t have mattered if his dad''s name was Coolie McCoolestpersonever, he wasn''t a consideration.

My dad didn''t really care about having us name a kid after him..he just wanted them to look like my side of the family-blonde and blue eyed.

I don''t think it''s nice to put parents in a position where they feel like they *have* to name their kids certain names to keep the grandparents happy and keep peace in the family.

 

[sctsbride09]

Name your baby whatever you and Dh decide on. I think its very unfair for family to "expect" someone to use a name because of tradition. I think whoever is CARRYING the child

, should have more say in the name, not the familiy tree. But thats just me. I have to say though, Im one of those people that if you tell me you must do this..I do the opposite.

 

[Pandora II]

We chose names we liked - we had Edward John lined up for a boy which just happened to also be DH''s paternal grandfather''s name, but it wasn''t expected or even intended.

On the nicknames, I think it is standard for parents to moan about this. DH and I call Daisy ''Bear'' or ''Baby Bear'' more often than we call her Daisy. My father says he doesn''t understand why we gave her a perfectly good name and then go and call her ''Bear'' - although I''ve caught him and especially my mother calling her it as well!

 

[Lanie]

Hey Meresal!!!

How exciting!!! I think maybe they were thinking of the nickname "Deuce" as more of a junior. They are thinking that the only way a kid can be called junior is if the name fully matches your DH''s name. You and DH most definitely have a right to name it whatever you want, and I think what Mia said about having the last name is completely valid. This might be your only boy, so you have a right to honor your father if that''s what you choose to do. After all, you taking DH''s name is honoring his father to begin with! I wouldn''t let them have any room for opinions...the name you choose is the name you choose...end of story!

Mia -- one of my friends just recently had a child, and she refused to tell anyone names they were considering. She didn''t want people to say "Oh, I don''t like that name" or "I once knew a girl with that name and she was a brat!". So they kept a tight secret until the birth. Her name is actually very beautiful (Emery), but they were just worried people would make snarky comments. I love that they had that secret as a couple and plan to do the same!

 

[meresal]

Thanks for the input ladies!

Mia- Great idea! If they bring it up in front of us I will be sure to use that. Very tacful and still gets our views across.

Mustang- DH''s situations is much like yours. We were both just surprised he even thought that that would happen. LOL. My dad used to spend hours a day with me watching sports events till 2 in the morning, practicing for my events, and was at every one of my games... and DH''s dad was the exact oppsite, and THEN some. I guess it just bothered me b/c he thinks that he deserves the same thing that my dad does. You know? I''m over it, I just don''t want to hear it anymore. lol
Sorry to hear about your sister''s situation. I don''t think that anyone should feel pressured, but I think in that situation the decision should be left up to the husband. If he wants to pass it on, then I think I would have to agree.

Sctabride- The decision is already final

... I think that he is referring to "future" children.

Pandora- Re: the nickname, my parents actually LOVE it. They came up with it, and my DH fell in love with it the minute he heard. I''m sure that might have something to do with it as well. However, with my husband and child having the same name, I need a way to differentiate between the two of them. They are jsut going to have to get used to it, because DH will not change it. ha. (I like "bear"!)

Lanie- Hi!

What''s funny is that the minute he said that, I replied, "We aren''t putting ''the second'' on the birth certificate. It is just a nickname, he will still be the second ''C'' in our family." He started arguing with DH about it, and eventually stopped after one of his comparisons to DH''s best friend''s name (also a family name) was wrong and he didn''t realize it.

 

[anchor31]

Many French-Canadiens have a (IMO) ridiculous number of names (I have 3 first names and two hyphenated last names, DH has four first names and one last name) and often one or more middle name(s) that comes from grandparents, aunts/uncles or godparents. DH and I decided to break away from that and give them two non-hyphenated first names and one last name (which is more the "English tradition", I suppose). We are also staying away from family names. I don't think it's a bad tradition or anything, I just feel that a child is his/her own person and should have his/her own name. We made it clear with our families and are having no issues so far.

I'm not sure what advice to give you. Sounds like he will be disappointed if you don't give his name to a future child, but if your DH insists on not doing it, I guess he'll have to endure the disappointment and/or stand up to his dad. I tend to think that how you name your kids is none of anyone else's business anyway, so they'll just have to deal with it if they're not happy.

 

[swimmer]

Good luck with FIL Meresal. I have had several students who were named after their fathers but with diff middle names, this seems more the norm here outside of Boston than all three names being the same and a Jr or II. Again, good luck.

Thank you for reminding/clarifying for me the importance of not discussing our name ideas with the ils. SIL told me that she is going to give us a list of "her names." That will be lovely. She is not pregnant.

 

[Lanie]

Date: 11/16/2009 8:36:48 PM
Author: swimmer
Good luck with FIL Meresal. I have had several students who were named after their fathers but with diff middle names, this seems more the norm here outside of Boston than all three names being the same and a Jr or II. Again, good luck.

Thank you for reminding/clarifying for me the importance of not discussing our name ideas with the ils. SIL told me that she is going to give us a list of ''her names.'' That will be lovely. She is not pregnant.

Is that sarcasm Swimmer?

Ahhhh...I LOVE in-laws!

 

[purrfectpear]

Personally I don''t think anyone ever pays attention to their middle name anyway, so why not give him both? The only time I ever heard my middle name was when I was in trouble

I''m not sure why your DH is so put out with his dad, yet he obviously continues to see him? Not my biz but just something to consider.

 

[lyra]

I say go with the names you have chosen. I was in the position of having to name a boy child with my husband''s family first name. I was so glad I never had to do it though, since we had 2 girls! DH wouldn''t have minded so much, but I think it''s so awkward having to name a child a name that causes them to always go by their middle name instead! (Husand and his father both go by middle names instead of the "family" first name for first born male.)

 

[meresal]

Anchor- Thank you for your input. Wow, 4 names... makes me wonder how big a scantron form is for the school tests up there!

Swimmer- That is what we both liked as well. Thanks for letting me know that it is a bit more common. One of DH''s best friend''s is the 4th George in his family, but the tradition is to always use the wife''s father''s name. I like it and so did C, so that is what we decided on.
How lovely of your SIL to share her choices with you

. I''m guessing this is so that you don''t pick her favorite names, as opposed to a list of helpful names she thinks you might like?

PP- It''s more of a way to recognize my dad, than a way for the middle name to stand out. C made a joke about not being able to tell the difference when I call for them unless they are in trouble.

I guess middle "always" means punishment. DH works for his dad... he sees him much more than he wishes.

lyra- Wow, you lucked out. Did anyone else in the family pass the name on? My DH''s brother and grandfather have a "family" name and both go by their middle names.

 

[drk]

We''re not really telling anyone our name pics. My mother already knows the likely first name based on discussions over the last few years, but I haven''t confirmed it. I have told a couple casual acquaintances who would have no input on a name choice anyhow. I don''t want to have anyone telling me they don''t like whatever name we pick. My brother and SIL have very different taste in names, luckily, and I imagine they may have picked their daughter''s middle name (also my Mom''s) more because they liked it than because of any family connection.
Re the "names list" - I just wouldn''t take it! Name your kid what you want. Ignore the rest of them. They''ll all love it when it''s here.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 11/17/2009 12:47:22 PM
Author: meresal
Anchor- Thank you for your input. Wow, 4 names... makes me wonder how big a scantron form is for the school tests up there!

hahaha... We don''t use all of our names.

We commonly only use one first name (two if hyphenized), same with the last name. Since my last name is hyphenized, I always end up with one square short on those darned forms!!

 

[swimmer]

Ha, yes the list is of names that she has "dibs" on, pretty ridiculous but I''m just going to smile and nod when it is given. We are Jewish, so there are some guidelines for using family names and it is likely that she wants a name that we are thinking about. Hopefully there are no names we want on the list...

 

[elrohwen]

Luckily, no one in my family would ever ask that we carry on any name. If we have a boy, we will give him DH''s father''s first name as a middle name, but that''s because DH''s father passed away 7 years ago and DH would like to honor him. I think it''s a lovely idea, but I would be kind of put out if someone (especially someone living) insisted we use their name.

 

[elrohwen]

Date: 11/17/2009 12:34:28 PM
Author: lyra
I say go with the names you have chosen. I was in the position of having to name a boy child with my husband''s family first name. I was so glad I never had to do it though, since we had 2 girls! DH wouldn''t have minded so much, but I think it''s so awkward having to name a child a name that causes them to always go by their middle name instead! (Husand and his father both go by middle names instead of the ''family'' first name for first born male.)

Lyra, I knew a woman whose husband went by "Mac" because he had a horrible Scottish family name that he hated. Ironically, every male in his family also went by random nicknames (not even their middle names) because they hated the weird first name. Haha. My friend and her husband agreed that they would not carry on that tradition if they had a son.