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[Laurenj915]

Did it take a while for your inlaws to treat you more like a family member? I have only been married for 4 months. My husband''s father died about ten years ago and my MIL in and SIL are nice but I feel very left out of his family. It''s mostly little thinks like they leave me out of family photos on special occasions. I don''t think it''s a concious decision but they just don''t think of me.

I said something to my husband and he said that it''s been just the three of them for so long that it''s habit. Now when I hear something about a family picture and see the three of them get together I kind of try to disappear into the crowd. I feel embarassed and I know other people notice. My mom said something to me the ther day after they left me out of a picture at a sporting event.

Oh, also, I am still calling my MIL Mrs..... and she hasn''t ever offered for me to call her by anything else. That''s another thing I notice people around doing a double take about.

I''m wondering if anyone went through a period where they felt left out and later it changed. When did it change? I have a feeling it''s going to persist until I have a baby.

 

[Sabine]

I used to feel left out of family things when dh and I were engaged, but I did see an effort to include me more once we were officially married, but I just wanted to say that I hope things get better for you because I know that''s not a fun feeling.

Could your dh talk to them to tell them you feel left out?

 

[Independent Gal]

That''s tough, Lauren! How long have you two been married? And is SIL married? If so, does her husband get treated the same way?

Personally, I think it''s just plain weird that you still have to call her Mrs. X. She doesn''t sound very welcoming. Maybe you could talk to her about it? Say something like "Mrs. X, I''m so fond of you folks, and now that we''re family, I wonder if it might be OK if I called you be your first name as a sign of my warmth and affection for you?"

That gets in the ''we''re family'' and ''it''s weird I''m calling you Mrs.'' in one go. Do you think that might get a good response? Or be way too awkward?

I have the opposite problem. My in laws are the nicest people in the world! But I feel so shy with them. I''m kind of scared of my SIL (for no good reason other than she seems a little grumpy a lot of the time). And my language skills aren''t good enough for sophisticated conversation with my parents in law. MIL is learning my language so that should help, and I have been trying to brush up on hers. I have started e-mailing with FIL in their language to help improve my language skills, but the second he wants to speak on the phone, I run and hide behind the couch and tell DH to pretend I can''t come to the phone (which I can''t because, you know, I''m stuck behind the couch). MIL even calls and writes old fashioned paper letters to my mom in her language to see how she is doing with her chemo. They are just so nice and loving and welcoming and I am just so SHYYYYYY!

I have no idea why. I have got to get over it.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Lauren I think families really differ in how warm they are, period. I didn''t grow up with my father and met his side of the family when I was 18 and they were so strange and cold to me. On the other hand, my maternal grandparents ask my friends to call them grandma and grandpa! LOL! Such a difference, and it wasn''t anything to do with me per se, it is them and their comfort level with warmth towards new people I guess. So this could be going on with your in laws.

My in laws are very warm people and always treated me great. Still, it took a long time for them to get totally comfortable with me and me with them. I think our closness grew when we were planning the wedding and I invited my MIL along with me to many of the planning sessions, since my own mother lives in another city. That helped us bond. I am their first daughter in law and they only have sons, and they always wanted a daughter so they treat me like their own now. But it took a few years for them to stop being "polite" with me and to just be themselves. I am a very forward person and I think that made it easier for them, since I just took the bull by the horns and tried to create a relationships. Even now I call my MIL up and say, "Want to go shopping for stuff for the nursery?" etc just to try to keep the relationship open.

If you don''t feel comfortable with your inlaws, and they are naturally shy people, then it is possible that both of you are feeling similar things and just don''t know how to break the ice! She may also think it is strange that you call her "Mrs. X" but she may not know how to tell you to call her by her first name, especially if she is not a demonstrative person! Is there anything small that you can do to help create more of a personal bond with your MIL? As I said, inviting my MIL to help with wedding planning went a long way for making us closer. Can you plan a party for your DH''s birthday and ask her to help... or something of that nature? Or maybe you can start a small book club and invite her to be a member? It may feel very forward at first, but you may just need to be the one to take the first step here.

 

[Laurenj915]

Date: 9/1/2008 4:36:50 PM
Author: Independent Gal
That's tough, Lauren! How long have you two been married? And is SIL married? If so, does her husband get treated the same way?

Just 4 months and SIL is not married. I wish she would meet someone. She's nice but I would love for her to have a man in her life other than my husband.

Maybe that's the a bit of the problem. On our wedding day we couldn't afford to exchange gifts before the ceremony so we decided to exchange love letters. Well, his sister wrote him a letter at my house while we were getting ready for the wedding too. I didn't say anything but I was kind of annoyed that she did that. It was supposed to be something special between the two of us right before the ceremony. My husband has been the only man in his mom and sister's lives for ten years. He's the furniture mover and mr fix it. He's the one they call for a ride to the airport and so on.

Date: 9/1/2008 4:36:50 PM
Author: Independent Gal

I have the opposite problem. My in laws are the nicest people in the world! But I feel so shy with them. I'm kind of scared of my SIL (for no good reason other than she seems a little grumpy a lot of the time). And my language skills aren't good enough for sophisticated conversation with my parents in law. MIL is learning my language so that should help, and I have been trying to brush up on hers. I have started e-mailing with FIL in their language to help improve my language skills, but the second he wants to speak on the phone, I run and hide behind the couch and tell DH to pretend I can't come to the phone (which I can't because, you know, I'm stuck behind the couch). MIL even calls and writes old fashioned paper letters to my mom in her language to see how she is doing with her chemo. They are just so nice and loving and welcoming and I am just so SHYYYYYY!

I would run and hide too if I had to talk to someone important in another language. AND over the phone without body language would make it eaven harder to understand! It's cool that you are picking up another language. I read your other post and I think it's a great idea to teach your baby a few signs. I teach kindergarteners with autism. I have 5 kids in my class and 3 of them sign(about 10 words- bathroom, cookie, more, no, yes, my turn...). They are somewhat verbal but all the wires in their heads get crossed and they can't get accross what they would like to say. The two kids in my class who do not sign end up screaming on the floor when they can't get their point across.


I'll try to get up the courage to say something to my MIL about the name thing. My goal for this month!

 

[Laurenj915]

Date: 9/1/2008 5:35:46 PM
Author: dreamer_dachsie
Lauren I think families really differ in how warm they are, period. I didn''t grow up with my father and met his side of the family when I was 18 and they were so strange and cold to me. On the other hand, my maternal grandparents ask my friends to call them grandma and grandpa! LOL! Such a difference, and it wasn''t anything to do with me per se, it is them and their comfort level with warmth towards new people I guess. So this could be going on with your in laws.

You are right. Every family is so different. My mom and grandma are warm but soft spoken. His family is from NY and they yell at each other and then they are friends again in like 30 seconds. I''m still blown away by that! lol

Date: 9/1/2008 5:35:46 PM
Author: dreamer_dachsie

If you don''t feel comfortable with your inlaws, and they are naturally shy people, then it is possible that both of you are feeling similar things and just don''t know how to break the ice! She may also think it is strange that you call her ''Mrs. X'' but she may not know how to tell you to call her by her first name, especially if she is not a demonstrative person! Is there anything small that you can do to help create more of a personal bond with your MIL? As I said, inviting my MIL to help with wedding planning went a long way for making us closer. Can you plan a party for your DH''s birthday and ask her to help... or something of that nature? Or maybe you can start a small book club and invite her to be a member? It may feel very forward at first, but you may just need to be the one to take the first step here.

The book club is a good idea! Right now, other than her son, the only thing we share in common is that she is a school principal and I am a teacher. It''s makes for lots of conversation but sometimes it feels like she is my boss even though we are not at the same school. I''ve got to find a book club or maybe something like yoga.

Thanks!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

My inlaws do the photo thing too. MIL likes to have one with just her kids

Doesn''t bother me much (except when it seemed like the ONLY photo she wanted from her son and my wedding was of the 4 of them

) That was kind of insulting. I don''t *think* she means to exclude me. Also I hate the comments where MIL says she wishes she could spend time with just DH (okay...makes me feel like I am in the way) SIL does the same thing. Tough luck if you ask me

I do call my inlaws by their first name. Can''t remember when the switch happened but I think it was the first year of dating.

I realized a few years ago that things will always be DIFFERENT. They aren''t MY family. They never will be. They do things in their own way and I just need to accept it. It made it easier not to over-analyze after that.

BTW we have been together for 7.5 years (married 2 of those years) and I am *STILL* adjusting! Having a child brings out a whole new lists of weirdness.

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 9/1/2008 6:53:16 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring

I realized a few years ago that things will always be DIFFERENT. They aren't MY family. They never will be. They do things in their own way and I just need to accept it. It made it easier not to over-analyze after that.
.

I agree w/what Tacori said above, it really helps make a person realize they won't be like your parents and try and accept that. I would tell them how you feel if you can or get your dh to realize your feelings and stand up for you, preferably the latter.

 

[Laurenj915]

Yes, thank goodness I have my family. I am sensitive today because I have the day off and I am organizing our pictures and putting them in frames and photo albums. The wonderful thing about most of those picture is that they bring you back to that wonderful moment. The thing about a half dozen or so is that it brings me back to that hurt of being excluded. I put them away.

My birthday in a few weeks is the next time someone may take a group picture. They can''t possibly exclude me from that can they? lol

 

[bee*]

D''s parents have always made me feel very welcome and I''ve called them their first names from the beginning (at their request). They took me to Australia with them and they have always been great-however they do the photo thing too (and it''s normally me taking it

). I figure though if that''s the worst they do, then I''ll be lucky. We''ve been together over 9 years and are getting married next June so they''re used to me being around. FSIL is great and we get along really well so that''s always a bonus, she''s even one of my bridesmaids. As someone else said, they''re never going to be your own family so they''ll always have different ways of doing things. And there is definitely no way they can leave you out of your birthday photos!!

 

[february2003bride]

I call my in-laws by their first names which is a big no-no because they are Indian. I''m suppose to call them "Auntie and Uncle" but I''m American and they aren''t my Aunt and Uncle, they are my MIL and FIL. In the Indian culture, daughter-in-laws are the lowest in the family which doesn''t fly in our home. I''m always polite and never, ever rude but what my MIL wants to be able to do or was expecting to be able to do, will never happen. She''s tried and we call her out on it. My MIL prefers to live with my BIL because his wife is Indian and while she doesn''t let MIL do everything she wishes she could control or change, she lets her do more than we ever would. My FIL prefers to stay with us because we have his "favorite" our eldest son (which is so wrong for him to say on so many levels).

I would just start calling your MIL by her first name. What''s the worst that could happen?

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Hey Lauren, welcome to the tough in-law club.

You''re not the first one to feel left out by in laws, and certainly won''t be the last...but it is really upsetting when you are.

How long did you and your DH date before you wed? Could the distance you feel possibly be her adjusting to the newest family member? I''m really not one to give MIL or SIL advice, but I encourage you to continue to talk to your husband...you are family now...and while you may not be included in family photographs, you are her sons wife, and the only one who stands to be really hurt by this situation is her son.

Big hugs and support...

 

[DivaDiamond007]

I''ve pretty much always felt welcome by hubby''s family. His parents are awesome and I call them by their first names. I do, however, totally stand out in his family because all of DH''s brothers and sisters have dark hair and eyes and I''m a blonde with blue eyes. Doesn''t get to me though! On the other side of things DH is the son my parents never had so he''s been part of the family since we were dating.

Diva

 

[sap483]

I''ve been fortunate in that I have really great in-laws. I care an awful lot about them, and they treat me like a daughter and have since before we even got engaged. I''ve been calling them Mom and Dad since we got engaged. DH calls my parents Mom and Dad too and they adore him as well. We''ve always gotten along, but we really owe our good relationships with our parents to the fact that we all made an effort to get to know one another better and form the bonds that you need to have that kind of relationship.

From all of the varied responses, I think it''s evident that it really depends on the family some are warm and welcoming and willing to make the effort, and others not so much. All you can do is continue making an effort to show that you want to be a part of their family. If they don''t reciprocate your efforts, then unfortunately I don''t think there''s a lot you can do about it.

 

[drk]

Lauren - I probably don''t have much useful to add, but thought it might make you feel a little better to know that I''ve been left out of my own family''s photos. When my brother got married, his photographer took tons of family shots. There was the one of me, my brother, my SIL and my parents. And my mom and the happy couple. And the happy couple and my Dad and stepmother and my stepsisters - they left me out of that one, and I was so not impressed. I ran off in tears, unbelieving that my Dad wouldn''t think to include me, and I think my Mom had words with him later on about it. Like that helped!

I got really lucky with my inlaws. I think they were just so relieved to have their son finally bring a girl (and a nice one at that) home to meet them. I was 26 at the time and had been with him for 4 years, and I''d been a secret till then. He introduced me 10 days before I moved out of the country to go back to school. I''d met his sister, her husband and their 5 kids a year prior to that, but they were all sworn to secrecy too. He was really embarassed that they were very old-fashioned and religious, and thought I''d be scared off after meeting them, but I thought they were totally sweet. They were much older (mid-70s then), which might have made a difference. I somehow managed to avoid calling them anything at all. Mr./Mrs. just seemed too weird, but I''d never call them by their first names either. After we got married, I started calling them Mama and Papa without even asking. It might have been kind of rude of me (they''re German, and Germans can be very formal), but hey, I''m an informal Canadian, and they can live with that. It''s rare that I call them anything to their faces, but if I do, that''s what I use. Maybe because they''ve lived next door to DH''s sister and her husband and family all these years, it''s totally natural for them to include the in-laws in photos. My BIL broke them in I guess . What I thought was even sweeter, was that when his mother passed away, my BIL and I were both left small bequests in her will, and my FIL and SIL insisted that I pick out a piece or two from her simple jewelry collection to keep in memory of her.

I have no idea why they''re so nice to me, or if I did anything to help it along. Maybe the fact that DH actually started spending more time with them after I came along helped? If they had been leaving me out of family photos, and I got really annoyed by it, I''d probably either end up saying something to DH so that he could tell them I''m part of the family and should be in the photo too, or I''d say in a semi-joking tone of voice that I thought I was part of the family too now that we''re married. Joking enough for them to not be totally offended, but serious enough to know that I was a little hurt by being left out. I really think your DH should stand up for you and tell his mom and sis that they should include you more. Sure he may say it''s a habit cause it''s been the three of them for so long, but habits can be changed. And one more person to love and depend on is nice to have too.

Hope things work themselves out over the next while. Have a good talk with DH and tell him you expect him to lay down some rules to make you feel more a part of his extended family. He should be overjoyed that you want to have a close relationship with the rest of the people that mean the most to him!

Kate