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Parents of Teenagers, does it ever get better?

God bless you, AGBF and DS. I went through, and am still going through similar things, and mine is now 36. She has gotten better (wiser) than she was as a teen, but other than that the behavior is the same. Her life is in constant chaos which is painful for her and heartbreaking for me to watch.
Jasonsmom, I wish you all the best. Teen years ARE hell, but if you are lucky, they grow up. if kids won’t talk to professionals the only thing you can do is take care of yourself and get some counseling for support during these challenging years.
 
Maria D said:
That's too bad TooPatient, sorry to hear how things worked out. I've always admired your kind, caring and welcoming treatment toward your stepdaughter. It's something I know I would not have been capable of.
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You are so sweet! It was very difficult to deal with and there were many days I didn't think I could face going home. I send to her aunt for updates periodically and she seems to be doing well. (She left here with two and a half years of college complete plus basic cooking/cleaning/budgeting.)

@jaysonsmom seriously look at summer camps or something similar. That helped maintain my sanity plus gave "A" an opportunity to connect with people her age learning and doing fun stuff. (Also remember the importance of grabbing a coffee or even just reading a good book in your car somewhere away from the house. Even 10 minutes of quiet can make the difference between making it through the evening or locking yourself in a room to cry.)
 
jaysonsmom said:
I have a 16 year old and a 14 year old. Both are belligerent, rude, disrespectful all the time. They were so well behaved and kind children (even won character awards) before they hit their teenage years.....I'm at the end of my rope and have serious thought of 1) kicking them out of the house, or 2) abandoning my family and leaving myself. Any words of comfort appreciated.
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I'm going to probably reveal more about myself than I should; but I was A LOT worse than that when I was a teen living with dad. It got to the point where my father couldn't handle it and bought a plane ticket that flew me over 600 miles from where he was. It was as far away as possible without him completely disowning me, we didn't talk for nearly two years.

If anyone knows what my father and I are like now, they would probably be shocked to hear that. Unfortunately a lot of teens go through this and I was a bigger pain than most teens are - but even I grew up eventually. I'm hoping this is just a phase for you to have to experience
 
Luckily for us our two daughter's teenage yrs was pretty much plainless. Let's not talk about my teenage yrs. :silenced:. Hang in there J'smom things will get better soon. ;))
 
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Tekate said:
Growing up is a bitch.
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AMEN, @Tekate !

So much wisdom in this thread. My sweet, sweet, sweet oldest is 11and it has just started. He has aggressive outbreaks out of the blue. He is I'm trying to stay connected, but I but it's challenging. I'm fearing the next couple of years....
Thanks for sharing this, @jordyonbass. In hindsight, would you be able to say what behaviour from your dad would / could have made a difference for you?

Wishing everyone peace and love (OR margaritas;)2)
 
kipari said:
Thanks for sharing this @jordyonbass. In hindsight, would you be able to say what behaviour from your dad would / could have made a difference for you?

Wishing everyone peace and love (OR margaritas;)2)
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I've never had so much difficulty trying to express what I want to say, but I'm going to try...

My father was and still is a good man, I want to preface this first by stating that clearly. He worked 6am-late, 6-7 days per week which meant my sister and I largely had to fend for ourselves. Not because of money, but more because of lack of parental supervision. I know he did the best he could - but that's probably where he could have improved. I was heavily bullied at high school, my one school friend's mother would cry every time she saw me because I always had a disheveled look from having to sort my own clothes but only being 14, not really knowing how and burning my clothes. Also I regularly wouldn't eat until 4pm because there was no school lunch food, I was becoming more withdrawn, my grades went from mostly A's with few B's to C's and D's. Dad wasn't really aware of all of this and by the time he realized something was seriously wrong it was simply too late for trying to be there. I'd been living like a wolf for 4 years at this point (which is a lifetime to a teen).

Obviously this was all such a very long time ago, nowadays we get along better than ever; Dad's been going through some rough times and we've taken him into our home to help him back on his feet. I send him to the shops now :lol::lol::lol:
 
jordyonbass said:
I've never had so much difficulty trying to express what I want to say, but I'm going to try...

My father was and still is a good man, I want to preface this first by stating that clearly. He worked 6am-late, 6-7 days per week which meant my sister and I largely had to fend for ourselves. Not because of money, but more because of lack of parental supervision. I know he did the best he could - but that's probably where he could have improved. I was heavily bullied at high school, my one school friend's mother would cry every time she saw me because I always had a disheveled look from having to sort my own clothes but only being 14, not really knowing how and burning my clothes. Also I regularly wouldn't eat until 4pm because there was no school lunch food, I was becoming more withdrawn, my grades went from mostly A's with few B's to C's and D's. Dad wasn't really aware of all of this and by the time he realized something was seriously wrong it was simply too late for trying to be there. I'd been living like a wolf for 4 years at this point (which is a lifetime to a teen).

Obviously this was all such a very long time ago, nowadays we get along better than ever; Dad's been going through some rough times and we've taken him into our home to help him back on his feet. I send him to the shops now :lol::lol::lol:
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Jordy, thank you so much for answering and for your sincerity. My heart goes out to the 14 y/o Jordy and I am in awe of you and your dad that you have left past challenges behind. You are an extraordinary example of resilience, empathy and kindness, Jordy!! Lots of love from across the globe
 
I think it would be extremely important to teach your children the lesson now that they need to get into therapy.

It isn’t right to have problems that are affecting other members of their family and to refuse to get help for those problems. This problem will only become bigger when they get older. They could lose relationships and even their families if they don’t learn this lesson as younger people. They are learning a sense of entitlement that they can have mental issues and it is the job of their loved ones to take the brunt of those issues. The truth is, if someone is having a mental issue, it is that person’s job to do everything they can to work on that issue. In the real world, people don’t stand by people with these sorts of issues if they aren’t working on it. Actually, sometimes, they don’t stand by people even if they are. Staying healthy is incredibly important.

If they refuse to go, i recommend that you give them reasonable consequences for their actions. This isn’t a game. This is your home and the peace within your home.

I recommend the book “Boundaries” by Henry Cloud.

My 13 year old didn’t want to go to therapy at first either. We sat down and had a very serious talk about how this was a step in taking good care of himself because he was suffering. I negotiated with him that he go for a month and then we could talk about it but that didn’t mean he could end therapy. We kept negotiating until he decided that he wanted to keep going. I was fully prepared to hand out consequences.

I think therapy might help your household a lot. Sometimes, I feel my son’s therapist is there just as much for me as she is for him.
 
jordyonbass said:
I've never had so much difficulty trying to express what I want to say, but I'm going to try...

My father was and still is a good man, I want to preface this first by stating that clearly. He worked 6am-late, 6-7 days per week which meant my sister and I largely had to fend for ourselves. Not because of money, but more because of lack of parental supervision. I know he did the best he could - but that's probably where he could have improved. I was heavily bullied at high school, my one school friend's mother would cry every time she saw me because I always had a disheveled look from having to sort my own clothes but only being 14, not really knowing how and burning my clothes. Also I regularly wouldn't eat until 4pm because there was no school lunch food, I was becoming more withdrawn, my grades went from mostly A's with few B's to C's and D's. Dad wasn't really aware of all of this and by the time he realized something was seriously wrong it was simply too late for trying to be there. I'd been living like a wolf for 4 years at this point (which is a lifetime to a teen).

Obviously this was all such a very long time ago, nowadays we get along better than ever; Dad's been going through some rough times and we've taken him into our home to help him back on his feet. I send him to the shops now :lol::lol::lol:
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You have a very big heart. I see it in the way you tell your story with purity and love and no anger. I don’t know how you do that, but i’m Learning from you.
 
One last thing..

It really helped me to know that a part of the teen’s brain that lights up deals with conflict resolution. They are just learning to effectively deal with conflict at this time in their lives. This means starting a ton of conflict and working out those conflicts again and again in a safe place. That safe place is home. How they work out those conflicts will give them their model for conflict their whole lives.

They’re practicing. Although all of this conflict seems to real, it really isn’t. This is just their brain figuring out the world.
 
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I have 15 and 16 year old teenage girls. I feel the pain.
 
tkyasx78, thank you for taking the time to respond, and your sound advice. I have tried the calm communication route, we eat as a family every night, and I even try to sit down and have breakfast with the 2 kids every morning, but I'm so DONE with them, all that I feel from them is cold, hard hatred glaring at me from their eyes, I don't even know how we got here.
 
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Maria D said:
If you are not having issues with your children being rude and disrespectful at school then you know they can control their emotions when they have to.
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So far so good, but do high school teachers really contact parents about behavioral issues? Bot my kids are athletic, so they do have physical outlets for their frustrations, but I'm their emotional punching bag (at least that is how I feel).
 
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Tekate said:
Your kids find you annoying, cloying, over protective, hovering, helicoptering etc (at least that is what my sons said to me).. I gave up sports with them..I gave up expecting them to listen to us, they didn't. They returned as listening adults around 23. Those years were tough.

Growing up is a bitch.
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Agree on all of the above! Glad I'm not alone, and I can't wait until they reach adulthood!
 
Elizabeth35 said:
I forgot to add--sometimes when they are being really awful, simply touch them on your way by.
A pat on the shoulder or a quick hug with no words. I remember avoiding words at times-lol.

And they seem to talk to you more in the car, especially in the dark. So drive them places and LISTEN.
Find a common ground. Talk about music and ask their opinion on political or moral issues. How do they feel about global warming? Things like that.
And never, ever comment negatively on their appearance. Ever. They are hyper-sensitive about this.

Take a deep breath.
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I tried to talk to my son in the car the other day, and touched his arm to get his attention. He shrugged it off, whipped off his earbuds off (which I didn't see) and screamed "WHAT? and when I said I just wanted to tell him a funny dream I had about him, he said "Not interested in your dreams" and put his earbuds back on. SIGH.......I really feel $hitty about how they treat me all the time!
 
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(((( hug))))

It is not easy. Keep trying. Maybe 10 days without the phone and without distractions can help.

They use objects ( phone computer etc) to create a distance that does not need to be there. You will need your dh to support you instead of blame you though .
Therapy might be a good route too. It is very painful to be treated rudely. More so by a spouse than a child. If your health is ok, have your spouse and you spend time together. You will want to both of you to like each other!!!
You deserve to be treated with respect. Work with your husband and a therapist if necessary so you can enforce consequences if the children are disrespectful to either of you.
 
@jaysonsmom I would not have put up with that type of treatment in the long term. I would have had to have a sit down talk about respect and open communication. As much as people say girls are harder, or more dramatic, I think they are easier to communicate with. Huge generalization I know. Boys must be hard!
 
It gets better. I grew out of my difficult stage by the time I hit 36.
 
I promise it will get better! I watched my parents go through it with 4 daughters (I was probably the easiest!). I think strict boundaries combined with loving care work best. FIRM BUT FAIR. Teenagers these days seems to care about phones/computers and money so I would use both those items as leverage.... Also if they want to be treated as adults they need to act like one. Take on responsibilities like their own cleaning, washing and making lunch etc. Show some gratitude for all their parents do! :clap:
 
Parenting is an ongoing meditation in unconditional love. Hard work. I find that if you don’t take it personally and step back to see how absurb your kids are acting it is actually funny. Sort of.
Underneath it all they love you, but right now you are just an obstacle in the way of their independence. If they didn’t »hate » us they could not break the incredible attachment they have to us.
Sometimes life really sucks!
I think not taking it personally is the key, but pretty hard to remember when those little beasts are pushing all our buttons.
 
jaysonsmom said:
I tried to talk to my son in the car the other day, and touched his arm to get his attention. He shrugged it off, whipped off his earbuds off (which I didn't see) and screamed "WHAT? and when I said I just wanted to tell him a funny dream I had about him, he said "Not interested in your dreams" and put his earbuds back on. SIGH.......I really feel $hitty about how they treat me all the time!
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That was very rude and uncalled for and mean. Unfortunately you were driving then. If my son spoke to me that way I would have given it to him right between the eyeballs. I am sorry I don’t have a solution because I do think everyone’s situation is different. However I do think you and your husband need to get on the same page. He needs to recognize how disrespectfully you are being treated and to support you and what you tell the kids and not leave you out to dry. Maybe you can start with therapy for you both. Then when you are on the same team you can tackle the kids. This should not and cannot be your fight alone.
 
For me, two grew out of it, though the baby was pretty much a dream. The oldest did not, and I did have to kick him out, twice (the last time for good). If I had had the money, I would have sent him to military school. In some ways, he's still not shed his bad attitude. I hate it, but I know I did not cause this, he did. He chose/chooses his words and behavior.

I feel for you, I truly do. I could tell you some stories that would probably make you feel a lot better, but I really don't want to relive the them.

tkyas78 gave you some great words of wisdom, as did others, but hers stood out. Wish I would have been as wise with mine. I would heed her words.

Hang in there. These ARE rough years, but they do pass pretty quickly, even though it feels like they won't. And then one day when they are grown, something like this will happen.... My middle son shoots in a league. Most of the men in it are way older. The remark of one of these older men was relayed to me by yet another man that this older man made a comment to about my son. He said, "I don't much care for young people today, they are rude and selfish. But that Tom (not his real name) is one of the nicest, most respectful young men I have ever met." I can't tell you what that meant to me, especially in thinking about the things this kid said and did to my things as a teenager. It truly warmed the cockles of my heart. ::)

Sending you one of these ---->
bighug5.gif
 
In thinking back on my youngest, who as I said was pretty easy, one of the most frustrating things he did was leave the house and not tell me where he was going. He didn't do it to be deceitful, he would just forget. So then I would have to call around trying to figure out where he was. (this was in the days before every kid had a phone)

So one particular night, I am calling around, can't find him, and I am MAD. Mad that he can't learn to remember to just tell me where he is going. So I finally track him down, and I say quite sternly, You have got to remember to tell me when you are leaving, I am tired of calling around to find you. To which he replied without missing a beat, But I like it when you have to call around looking for me, it makes me feel loved. :lol:
 
@jaysonsmom I do not have children but just wanted to chime in with comfort and support and say how sorry I am you are dealing with this. I can sort of remember my teenage years and I was no picnic for my mom (never had any issues with my dad but he was the typical leave it to mom dad from the 70's if you kwim). I am not sure I ever outgrew it though (LOL) with my mom as we are too much alike and butt heads too often. But things did improve and I have a good relationship with her most of the time now.

Hoping your situation improves and becomes manageable. Sending you (((hugs))) and good thoughts. And yes please your dh needs to get onboard and support you 100% with the kids to make it work. Disrespectful behavior is not acceptable no matter what. I do remember getting smacked a few times when I was little when I misbehaved :oops2: and say what you will about that but it was a very effective deterrent. Just saying.

Good luck and hang in there!
 
HI

JS--here in support. Vent anytime. I can relate--I recall the times my son was disrespectful he was having issues with friends or a subject in school. Any chance your kids have friend issues? It might explain some of the behavior without excusing it.

Hang in there!! I know you are still a proud Mama!!

cheers--Sharon
 
jaysonsmom said:
I tried to talk to my son in the car the other day, and touched his arm to get his attention. He shrugged it off, whipped off his earbuds off (which I didn't see) and screamed "WHAT? and when I said I just wanted to tell him a funny dream I had about him, he said "Not interested in your dreams" and put his earbuds back on. SIGH.......I really feel $hitty about how they treat me all the time!
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I just read this to my father and he said he would have pulled over and told me to start walking, if I had no interest in listening to him then he has no interest in driving me anywhere. Felt like sharing because I don't even think it's unreasonable.
 
House Cat said:
You have a very big heart. I see it in the way you tell your story with purity and love and no anger. I don’t know how you do that, but i’m Learning from you.
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Thank you @House Cat, when I was around 19 years old I learned to let go of all my frustrations and failures. It was just causing too much heartache for me. It's also probably why I don't talk to anyone I went to school with, I had to close the chapter on that part of my life if I wanted to start fresh.
 
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