Not having kids...telling the family

[blondie23]

With all the baby talk going around these days, it also got me thinking about some issues. I''m also in the camp of heck no. I love my friends children but I really don''t want any of my own...this leads me to my question, I''m getting married May 2008 and both my mother and my FMIL assume that my FI and I want kids. I am fully prepared to have that conversation with both sides of the family when the time is right, but I hate that having kids for me and my FI is not only ASSUMED but also EXPECTED...has anyone else who decided not to have kids gone through something similar? How did you handle telling your families and how did they respond?

My FI and I have decided to wait to tell our families until after we are married but I am still at a loss as to how to do so. My FI is close to his mother but he also knows when her opinion matters and he always tells me that this is a decision between him and I and it doesn''t matter what his mother (or my mother) thinks. I know he''s right but I have this fear that his mother will blame me for not having kids since it is my body that carries the baby, even though we will both tell her the WE don''t want one. I guess I just need advice as to the best way to approach the situation. I know we can tell her, "FMIL, we just don''t think that having children is what we want to do and I hope you respect this, etc" but I don''t think that will go over very well. Thoughts?

 

[sumbride]

I suppose it was easy for us because we''re both the youngest in our families, so there are already grandchildren. No pressure there.

We didn''t ask permission, we just said "We''re not planning to have children." and left it at that. No questions, no "WHY???", not even an eye batted over it. I think it''s perhaps because neither of us ever seemed like we wanted to be parents so it''s a natural extension of the person they already knew. If this is a radical departure for you, I would understand that there might be more questions.

I do think this is something that you really DON''T have to tell them. Obviously, if you''re hearing a lot of questions about "when" it might be helpful to say "never" but it''s really nobody else''s business.

 

[blondie23]

Sumbride, you bring up a great point about if this is a deviation from my personality. I think the reason it is assumed from my side of the family is because all throughout my life I babysat children for my entire neighborhood and once I hit late high school/college I was actually the neighborhood swim coach for 7 years. I loved being with the kids I coached and I loved their families, but also being around kids that much just reaffirmed why I don''t want any. I think my family assumes that because I was around kids most of my life that I want some of my own.

For my Fi, i think it is assumed because his mother had 3 boys before 30 and I think she just expects that FI wants them too. Who knows. We''re not even married and my FMIL already asks the question "when" and we always respond with, "We''re not sure if that will ever happen" and she comes back with, "you''ll change your mind, you must have children"...ahhh, i prefer to avoid at all costs. Once we''re married I''m not as worried about it because I can stand my ground but I don''t want the next 8 months before the wedding to have tension. I know i''m avoiding and I should just deal with it but I''m still trying to find the bet way.

 

[sumbride]

You can always say "it won''t happen until AFTER THE WEDDING!!!" It''s so ridiculous that they are already bugging you about it. What happens if you were planning to have kids and have fertility issues? Would they be understanding?

I think if you''re dealing with someone who says "you''ll change your mind", you might want to approach it a little differently. By saying "Never" she''ll continue to challenge you so you might just want to be vague and say "we''ll see." Eventually she will see that you still don''t have any kids.

I think a lot of people expect others to have kids simply because "you''re supposed to", and honestly that''s why a lot of people DO have kids, but it''s not why you should, and if you have firm reasons why you don''t want to have kids, nobody should challenge you on it. They will, but they shouldn''t.

 

[blondie23]

Yeah right now I try to do the vague thing as much as possible. I honestly have no idea how my FMIL would handle the situation if I had infertility issues...i think she would be really bitter and then would probably force adoption on us...who knows

 

[labbielove]

I can sympathize with your situation.

We are also not planning to have children, at least our own natural children, for reasons I won''t get into here-
and we just got married in September.
My siblings already know our choice, and even my mom, who died last April, knew- I''m so thankful she and I got to have the heart to heart about that.

It hasn''t yet come up on DH''s side of the family, although there is huge pressure there- he is the only male child, not even any male cousins. Other than his father telling me at my mothers calling hours that I should have at least one child because "it''s what my mother would have wanted" Once I choked back a huge scream, I realized he was just being him...not much I can do about it.

 

[labbielove]

Date: 11/7/2007 10:31:25 AM
Author: sumbride
You can always say ''it won''t happen until AFTER THE WEDDING!!!''

Omg, my FIL walked up to my 5 siblings at our WEDDING COCKTAIL HOUR and shouted "so- when do you think they''ll have kids"

Luckily they just ignored him. I''m not quite sure what I will say if he asks me directly. Perhaps scream?!

 

[blondie23]

Labbie, I''m so glad someone else out there understands! I''m so nervous because I feel like this is such a huge issue for families that I don''t want my FI or his family to have tension.

 

[lyra]

You can probably just put them off for a while if you don''t want to come right out and be honest. I got a really bad reaction from my FIL and MIL when we announced that we were pregnant. It was 4 years into our marriage and the first two statements from them were "Was it planned? Well, you''re in for a lot of responsibility now!". I was slightly terribly aghast, but whatever. Then after I had a difficult time with my first child, I really did announce firmly that we weren''t having anymore. That was greeted with just silence. (I eventually got over it and had another child, to which I was treated with the statement: "It''s not like you''re the first ones to ever have a baby!".) I''m wondering if about now, you''d like to trade inlaws? JK.

We have friends who chose not to have kids. The way I''m seeing it 25 years later is they have had different lifestyles which included many things we could not do because we had kids. So it''s a lifestyle choice, and that choice is yours, and not really anyone else''s business. I do understand though that close family does not always respect our views or decisions regardless. Good luck!

 

[Pandora II]

Since I was little I always said I never wanted children as has my FI.

Now FI and I are undecided - I think if we couldn't we wouldn't be devastated by it. We are debating whether we will regret it later at the moment. I keep thinking of all the things and above all time that I will have to give up. My disabilities will make it very difficult coping with small children, so it will be a HUGE decision if we decide to have 1 or some.

We're both one of 4 though, so there is no pressure from any parents to have any if we don't want to.

The only voice of disapproval is from my grandmother who just can understand that couples today have choices and not every man is just after a 'brood mare'.

At the end of the day, it's your lives and your body, no-one elses and your choice to make.

I can understand if you are 'only' children that parents would be more disappointed, but children are not put on this earth to fulfill their parents wishes. Just because Mom and Pops can't wait for the grandkids and christenings, weddings etc does not mean that they have a right to interfere - although loads do seem to feel this!

Frankly I would just say it quite casually in conversation - they probably won't believe you anyway.

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 11/7/2007 10:08:05 AM
Author: blondie23
Sumbride, you bring up a great point about if this is a deviation from my personality. I think the reason it is assumed from my side of the family is because all throughout my life I babysat children for my entire neighborhood and once I hit late high school/college I was actually the neighborhood swim coach for 7 years. I loved being with the kids I coached and I loved their families, but also being around kids that much just reaffirmed why I don''t want any. I think my family assumes that because I was around kids most of my life that I want some of my own.

For my Fi, i think it is assumed because his mother had 3 boys before 30 and I think she just expects that FI wants them too. Who knows. We''re not even married and my FMIL already asks the question ''when'' and we always respond with, ''We''re not sure if that will ever happen'' and she comes back with, ''you''ll change your mind, you must have children''...ahhh, i prefer to avoid at all costs. Once we''re married I''m not as worried about it because I can stand my ground but I don''t want the next 8 months before the wedding to have tension. I know i''m avoiding and I should just deal with it but I''m still trying to find the bet way.

I know what you mean. My FI and I aren''t 10000000% sure we''re going to have kids but if we do, it will be when we''re ready. I''ve been around kids all my life. I have a younger sister, I was practically our town nanny at one point, and now I''m a teacher. I KNOW I have a special connection with kids (corny as it sounds, I really believe I feel more comfortable with little kids much of the time). I think because of that, everyone assumes that my FI and I will definitely have kids. As I said, I''m not completely sure...I kind of like my crazy way of life at school with my kids and my more peaceful private life at home. For me anyway, it could just mean that I was meant to be with kids in some way, shape, or form...whether it''s as their nanny, their teacher, their friend [speaking of my kids'' friends], or whatever.

I''m sorry that I don''t have much advice but I can relate!

 

[allycat0303]

Ugh. I get this question too. I''m not in the heck no, but let''s say 70% sure I don''t want kids. His parents are convinced I''m going to change my mind. And my parents think that there''s no use for me to even continue studying if I''m not going to have children. There would basically be no more use to my existence

. I think working them into it is the best thing, I started with I want to be able to enjoy my life, graduated to I''m not sure, and now I''m into the more, I''m not having children, leave me alone. It seems to be ok at this moment. But I''m still in school, so I believe, they all think I''m going to change my mind. Not much advice I''m afraid, only that I understand the issue.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

It certainly is no one''s business. But I will say that over the years, people sometimes do change their minds. My sister had her first and only baby at 40. We said we had our two by age 30 and never wanted any more so my husband had a vasectomy. But at 40 we adopted a baby girl from China.

So my advice is, if people ask, tell them you have no plans like that in the forseeable future. No one knows for sure how they will feel in 10 or 20 years. The only way I''d make an absolute statement is if you know for sure that you cannot have children (as in permanent sterilization).

 

[Jas12]

I can certainly understand how awful that pressure can be. Since DH and I dated for sooo many years prior to marriage we were getting bugged about kids literally years prior to the wedding (and we are only 28 now!!). Although we both knew 100% that we wanted children some day it REALLY got on my nerves that people (specifically my father-in-law and DH''s side of the family) a) assumed this, and b) pressed the issue on us every chance they got. MY FIL was asking me if I was pregnant every time I had a sniffle or looked sideways at him. It really annoyed me cuz they knew we were engaged to be married so hold your gawd damn horses, and what if we were unable/unwilling to have kids?!?
When I got pregnant right after the wedding I almost didn''t want to tell them and give them that satisfaction (i know, that''s selfish, but honest) and i didn''t want them to think we were trying b/c of them or ''for'' them....

The reason i am blabbing on about this: I don''t think you have to tell them ''hell no'' unless you really decide you must--you don''t owe them that discussion and if they ever bitterly ask (down the road) why you weren''t upfont with them from the start I would just let them know that the two of you were never 100% sure yourselves. I would let the nosey people who ask you (and there will be many after the wedding, just warning you now) that you have no plans for kids in the immediate future and leave it at that. "immediate future'' could mean any length of time and eventually they should stop asking.

 

[Joolskie]

Ugh, this kind of stuff drives me nuts. The decision to have, or not have, children is a personal one that is totally between the two people involved. My advice is to not feel as though you need to make some kind of announcement. If someone makes a comment or directly asks, respond with "children are not a part of our future plans" or something like that. Once you respond enough to enough people, they will get the message to stop asking.

My roommate from college and her husband do not plan on having children. And it is all good to me. While I love being a parent... I can totally understand why it is not for everyone. Whenever my roommate talks about her latest jaunt to Europe or her cleaning service or all the restaurants she has tried lately, I think "Wow, so that's what you can do when you don't have to save up for someone to go to college!" LOL!!!!!

 

[blondie23]

I think all of you bring up great points. The issue isn''t really that we don''t want kids or we may change our minds someday, but really how do you handle people when they ask. I agree that it is a completely personal choice and it is nobody''s business but my FMIL can be very persistent. Last night at dinner she brought up having kids 3 times!! First she said, "your new house will be beautiful! I can''t wait to help decorate the nursery.", next was, "being a grandmother is amazing and you both can still have your fun because I will babysit whenever you need me to"...and last, "you''re not still on birthcontrol are you Rachel?"

even if I was planning on having children, how do you respond to this??? It''s like Jas said, the pressure is ridiculous.

anyway, thanks for the vent.

 

[lyra]

That''s what was weird about the responses we got from the inlaws--they were always commenting on how they couldn''t wait for grandchildren. It was quite infuriating at times since the actual response when we did get pregnant was completely negative.

Maybe you could just give a much more distant timeline to them. "Oh, we won''t be thinking about that for years yet!" Something like that. Eventually they''ll get the idea. Hopefully.

 

[moremoremore]

Ugh. That sucks. I have to say I'm in a slightly different boat. I have no desire to have children. Don't find them fun amusing or cute LOL. Husband clearly wants one...The thought makes me sick to tell you the truth. I never wanted them when we got married but assumed I would one day so it wasn't an issue. Boy was I wrong!

Oddly enough, the idea of adopting is do-able to me. Hmm.

 

[Selkie]

Date: 11/8/2007 10:29:49 AM
Author: blondie23
I think all of you bring up great points. The issue isn''t really that we don''t want kids or we may change our minds someday, but really how do you handle people when they ask. I agree that it is a completely personal choice and it is nobody''s business but my FMIL can be very persistent. Last night at dinner she brought up having kids 3 times!! First she said, ''your new house will be beautiful! I can''t wait to help decorate the nursery.'', next was, ''being a grandmother is amazing and you both can still have your fun because I will babysit whenever you need me to''...and last, ''you''re not still on birthcontrol are you Rachel?''

even if I was planning on having children, how do you respond to this??? It''s like Jas said, the pressure is ridiculous.

anyway, thanks for the vent.

Wow, boundary issues much? I think I would have snapped at the point she asked whether I was still on BC!! What did you say? That strikes me as being a really rude and inappropriate thing to ask your future DIL at a family dinner. Somehow you and your fiance need to establish boundaries BEFORE THE WEDDING in all areas of your personal life, not just having kids. Could your fiance sit her down and say something to her, since it seems like she doesn''t respect your privacy AT ALL?

 

[sumbride]

Date: 11/8/2007 2:05:51 PM
Author: Selkie

Date: 11/8/2007 10:29:49 AM
Author: blondie23
I think all of you bring up great points. The issue isn''t really that we don''t want kids or we may change our minds someday, but really how do you handle people when they ask. I agree that it is a completely personal choice and it is nobody''s business but my FMIL can be very persistent. Last night at dinner she brought up having kids 3 times!! First she said, ''your new house will be beautiful! I can''t wait to help decorate the nursery.'', next was, ''being a grandmother is amazing and you both can still have your fun because I will babysit whenever you need me to''...and last, ''you''re not still on birthcontrol are you Rachel?''

even if I was planning on having children, how do you respond to this??? It''s like Jas said, the pressure is ridiculous.

anyway, thanks for the vent.

Wow, boundary issues much? I think I would have snapped at the point she asked whether I was still on BC!! What did you say? That strikes me as being a really rude and inappropriate thing to ask your future DIL at a family dinner. Somehow you and your fiance need to establish boundaries BEFORE THE WEDDING in all areas of your personal life, not just having kids. Could your fiance sit her down and say something to her, since it seems like she doesn''t respect your privacy AT ALL?

Totally. Although I kind of wish my MIL would ask me something like that so I can ask her why she''s NOT taking her anti-depressants anymore. She sure needs them.

seriously, that''s such an inappropriate question!!!

 

[blondie23]

Honestly I was so taken back by her question I didn''t even respond immediately. David, my FI, however, responded with, "mom, first we''re at dinner so please stop talking about this and second this is not for you to discuss"..She just glared at him and then his grandfather started a new topic. It was awkward to say the least.

These past 6 months have been a really trying time with my FI and his mom. He stands up to her almost weekly about issues from what kind of religious ceremony we''re having at the wedding, when we''re having kids, how we should decorate our house, etc. She definietly has had issues letting go and realizing that I am now the woman in his life. It''s weird though because it doesn''t even phase my FI. Anytime she brings up a subject like the ones I mentioned above he responds with the same thing, "mom thanks for your input but this is a decision between Rachel and I" and then he usually hangs up. The only time she actually has a chance to add in her two cents is when we''re at dinner with the family (hence last night). My FMIL and I rarely speak outside of family functions, but when we''re at a family function it can be awkward.

 

[Selkie]

Date: 11/8/2007 2:18:32 PM
Author: blondie23
Honestly I was so taken back by her question I didn''t even respond immediately. David, my FI, however, responded with, ''mom, first we''re at dinner so please stop talking about this and second this is not for you to discuss''..She just glared at him and then his grandfather started a new topic. It was awkward to say the least.

These past 6 months have been a really trying time with my FI and his mom. He stands up to her almost weekly about issues from what kind of religious ceremony we''re having at the wedding, when we''re having kids, how we should decorate our house, etc. She definietly has had issues letting go and realizing that I am now the woman in his life. It''s weird though because it doesn''t even phase my FI. Anytime she brings up a subject like the ones I mentioned above he responds with the same thing, ''mom thanks for your input but this is a decision between Rachel and I'' and then he usually hangs up. The only time she actually has a chance to add in her two cents is when we''re at dinner with the family (hence last night). My FMIL and I rarely speak outside of family functions, but when we''re at a family function it can be awkward.

Oh, good, I''m glad he stands up to her. It''s tough because as the future wife you want to be accepted and liked by the family, so I would guess it''s hard to put your foot down when she does stuff like that, and look like the bad guy in the situation. I used to get ambushed at family dinners too, though now we live across the country from both our families, so we don''t deal with too much hassling in person. My parents are fine, it''s his mom that asks the awkward questions (although, never THAT awkward). However, I''ve politely ignored, brushed off, or given non-answers enough that she''s stopped directly questioning me and just drops hints and jabs every so often. You know, Happy birthday cards saying "I wish you 100''s of babies."

I don''t know... I think it''s one of those things where MY mind is made up, and nothing THEY do can make me change it, so I''m just going to let the comments roll off.

 

[blondie23]

Selike you hit the nail on the head. I want to be able to stand my ground too but I also don''t want to alienate myself (or my FI) from his family. Like you, it is my FMIL that is really the issue since my family also lives across the country.

EXCEPT I forgot to mention that she is also getting remarried July 2008 and last night when she asked if my FI and I were going to have a completely Jewish ceremony (my FI is Jewish, I am Christian and we are planning on incorporating both elements into the wedding) I proudly responded with, "No we''re not planning on doing that but since YOU''RE GETTING REMARRIED why don''t you do that instead"...it was a proud moment for me and my FI smiled at me

 

[Selkie]

Excellent response!

Honestly, if you have to worry at every turn about alienating her by standing up for yourself, you''re going to wear yourself out walking on eggshells for the rest of her life. Defending yourself tactfully and creatively like that really gives her no ammo for shunning you, especially if David supports you visibly when you do it. Hopefully, she''ll realize that she can''t drive a wedge between you and him, and will back off rather than driving off her son. If she does, she''s the one who looks bad. Does he have brothers, sisters, anyone else in the family with a level head? They can sometimes act as a buffer too if they realize how out-of-line she gets.

 

[Aloros]

Date: 11/8/2007 12:56:00 PM
Author: moremoremore
Ugh. That sucks. I have to say I''m in a slightly different boat. I have no desire to have children. Don''t find them fun amusing or cute LOL. Husband clearly wants one...The thought makes me sick to tell you the truth. I never wanted them when we got married but assumed I would one day so it wasn''t an issue. Boy was I wrong!

Oddly enough, the idea of adopting is do-able to me. Hmm.

Phew! I thought I was the only one. Nice to know I''m not by myself! I''m not queasy by nature, either.

And blondie23, I can''t believe the things your MIL said to you! She''s really insistent, isn''t she? I like allycat''s idea of just easing her into the idea. It''s worked for me in the past. Honestly, though, asking you if you''re still on birth control? So rude and not her business!

 

[moremoremore]

LOL..No, not the only one. I''m not afraid of pain, not afraid of having to take care of someone b/c I''m a (s)mother by nature...but the whole thing seems to be a pain in the ass and the idea of giving birth and breast feeding is actually repulsive to me LOL...Don''t hold back MMM....I also have no desire to pass on my "bad" traits to another person....Dunno...I will probably end up having one or two and actually do see myself being a good mom...but again, the whole thing just makes me want to roll my eyes...Sorry for the hijack.....best of luck to all

 

[gailrmv]

Suddenly I want to give my MIL a hug...
Yours has some boundary issues to be sure, but it''s great that your FI knows just what to say and nips awkward convos in the bud. That is fantastic and bodes really well for the future. About having kids, I really don''t think its necessary to make an announcement, but just keep saying you''re still unsure or it''s a private topic etc, whatever it takes to change the topic, and eventually she (might) get the hint.

 

[diamondfan]

Well, the honest truth here is that it is your choice. And the other reality here is that people might be upset and disappointed in your choice. This is unalterable and you will, more than likely, have to face it numerous times. People sometimes say "childless by choice" because there are those who think a childless couple wants kids but could not have them. Frankly, although it is your life and your choice, you know intellectually that there are people with expectations (potential grandparents) who will possibly push you, and there are likely to be people in your lives who just cannot imagine that this is your wish. (they say, Oh, you will change your mind etc)...and who knows what the future brings? What matters is you are where you are now, and you will more than likely have to have the conversation a few times. If you just simply state that you BOTH are in agreement about not having children, and repeat that, it might ease. Meaning, the less you get into a debate about your choice or a debate about having kids in general, and you just sort of hold that line, those people might stop since there is no place for the conversation to go. I always find if I sort of stick to my guns about a tough topic, and don''t try to justify, explain or rationalize my view, it stops it a bit. (who can keep trying to argue when you say, Yes, we know, but this is our choice...)...but accept that there is the chance that you will have to talk about it more than you might like. The whole thing does bother me, in terms of people asking, so when are you going to start trying to have a family? It is just presumptious and rude sometimes and painful for those couples who cannot or wish not to have any...

 

[steph72276]

I have no idea if your screen name is any indication of your age, but if so and you are 23 or around that age, then I think it is perfectly normal to not be thinking of children right now. Although I did have a child at a young age (26) I know lots and lots of people who wait a long time after being married before they even think about having children. I know as a mom to a boy, I would be crushed and disappointed if when my son gets married he and his wife told me they didn''t want children. But it would be THEIR decision and I would have to respect that and wouldn''t interfere in their decision. But I can tell you straighforwardly that I would be really sad about it. I think instead of telling his family heck no we never ever want children, just say that they are not in the plans yet. If it continues to be an issue, have your FI sit down with his mother and tell her to lay off of the questions. I think you have to go about it in the right way or your future MIL will have some bitterness towards you, just my honest opinion as a mother.

 

[steph72276]

After I read back through my post, I wanted to add that even though I would be sad if my son chose to not have children, I still applaud people who actually think these things through. Too many people have children just because they think it is expected. I think that if you don''t have or are not willing to spend the time it takes to raise a child, it is the responible thing to do not to have any. As a former preschool teacher, there were too many times I saw children put in school, then put in afterschool and picked up late every night and the parents could never come to school functions, they couldn''t get their schoolwork in on time, had obviously dressed themselves in the morning etc. because the parents were too involved in their careers to do what they needed to do for their children. I think a couple should really want a child wholeheartedly before they jump into it, because it is a huge amount of work to raise a child and I think you should not be pressured by anyone if you are not ready.