Not accepting gifts!!!

[D&T]

I'm so sad and PO'd at the same time, My brother who lives in a different state who has a very hard personality to get along with in the first place won't Accept our christmas gifts! I bought gifts for my SIL and Brother and my little nephew, packaged and mailed it off to them just last week (its just something little). I emailed my SIL to ask if she received the package and emailed me back stating that... "Your brother wants to return the gifts back to you on Sunday when you visit us during your vacation," you know how he is.... Because we are [insert religion] so we don't celebrate christmas and we should not be accepting any gifts! I haven't responded to her yet! I'm a bit upset and annoyed and really sad all at the same time! I'm disappointed in him, I know he is bitter with life in general and has some emotional trauma with the post war. However, we immigrated over 28 years ago!.... What would you do? I just bought my little nephew a couple of gifts, a book that I really liked for toddlers. I also don't want my nephew to grow up as bitter and thinks he is a Know it all like my brother

ETA: forgot to mention that I KNOW my SIL appreciates the gesture and likes the stuff I get her and my nephew, she just won't stand up to my Brother!

 

[meresal]

So you are saying that they don''t celebrate Christmas?

I wouldn''t send Christmas gifts to people that don''t celebrate Christmas.

 

[D&T]

Date: 12/16/2009 11:35:25 AM
Author: meresal
So you are saying that they don''t celebrate Christmas?

I wouldn''t send Christmas gifts to people that don''t celebrate Christmas.

Yes and No. He used to accept gifts from us for the last five years, then all of sudden this change is what confuses me? and he isn''t a prcaticing/religious person of his religion anyways.

 

[Sundial]

I can understand how you feel especially with a child involved, but I think you have to respect your brother''s wishes on this. Also you don''t want to come between him and your SIL no matter how good your intentions.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

So, you are seeing the little nephew when you visit? What I''d do is unwrap the presents and just bring them as a standard token-of-gesture for a child you don''t see very often. When we have out-of-town relatives, they sometimes bring little fun stuff for my kids.

And, second to Meresal''s comment about not sending gifts to those who don''t celebrate Christmas. Religion isn''t allowed to be discussed on this forum. . .so hopefully my post doesn''t cross the boundaries, but I just want to say it''s very upsetting and stressful to me when family doesn''t respect my beliefs. I find it insulting.

 

[meresal]

"Yes and No. He used to accept gifts from us for the last five years, then all of sudden this change is what confuses me? and he isn't a prcaticing/religious person of his religion anyways. "

Hmm, that is odd.

This is the exact opposite of DH's aunt. She has refused to accept any of MIL's gifts for the last 5 years, and then all of a sudden MIL gets an unsolicited email from said aunt, with her "Wish List" this year.

She has many issues as well.

I am not a "feather ruffler", so I would just take the gifts back and not say anything. After seeing the drama that DH's aunt causes if you ever made a big deal about her not accepting gifts, it always just seemed easier to accept it and move on.

 

[Bia]

Don''t be angry, it''s not worth it. You sent gifts from your heart (I don''t think there is any other motive here, correct?) and they chose not to accept - that is on them. Leave it alone because that is all you can really do.

Next year don''t make the same mistake (not that you made a mistake this year, imo).

(hugs)

 

[radiantquest]

I agree that it is sad, but you do have to respect his wishes. You mentioned that he does not celebrate Christmas and that is why he will not accept the Christmas gifts. What does he celebrate? I am not asking you to answer *out loud* if you do not want to, but does this religion that he is practicing have a gift giving portion? Perhaps you can rip the santa paper off and wrap them with someting that corresponds with his religion.

If that does not work I would rewrap them in something benign and regift them as some other reason.

 

[D&T]

Sundial, MC and Merseal, I can see your point in respecting his wishes. I will do that from now on, But it saddens me a bit

especially for my nephew. That is a great idea- I'll just bring the gifts (unwrapped) whenever I see him, we don't see him too often - I try to always make it to his house everytime we visit our Family there, but he has never onced visited me or our family since we moved almost six years ago

ETA: Bia and Radiant, thanks ladies. He doesn't even do Birthdays anymore either

I feel like he is depriving his son out of these little things in life kwim? I don't know if has anything to do with how we grew up, which we also didn't celebrate birthdays and christmas.

 

[D&T]

Date: 12/16/2009 11:45:28 AM
Author: meresal
''Yes and No. He used to accept gifts from us for the last five years, then all of sudden this change is what confuses me? and he isn''t a prcaticing/religious person of his religion anyways. ''

Hmm, that is odd.

This is the exact opposite of DH''s aunt. She has refused to accept any of MIL''s gifts for the last 5 years, and then all of a sudden MIL gets an unsolicited email from said aunt, with her ''Wish List'' this year.

She has many issues as well.

I am not a ''feather ruffler'', so I would just take the gifts back and not say anything. After seeing the drama that DH''s aunt causes if you ever made a big deal about her not accepting gifts, it always just seemed easier to accept it and move on.

THat is odd... So will your MIL give her something this year.

I don''t want to cause drama in my family so I''ll let it go

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 12/16/2009 11:47:21 AM
Author: D&T
Sundial, MC and Merseal, I can see your point in respecting his wishes. I will do that from now on, But it saddens me a bit

especially for my nephew. That is a great idea- I''ll just bring the gifts (unwrapped) whenever I see him, we don''t see him too often - I try to always make it to his house everytime we visit our Family there, but he has never onced visited me or our family since we moved almost six years ago

ETA: Bia and Radiant, thanks ladies. He doesn''t even do Birthdays anymore either

I feel like he is depriving his son out of these little things in life kwim? I don''t know if has anything to do with how we grew up, which we also didn''t celebrate birthdays and christmas.

Yeah, it can be a major bummer in these types of situations. Another option would be waiting until his birthday.

 

[Haven]

Aw, I''m sorry your gifts were rejected, D&T, that must really hurt when you''re just trying to do something nice.

I do agree that if your brother''s family doesn''t celebrate Christmas or birthdays, it''s best if you respect that and refrain from sending gifts for things he does not celebrate. I''d be a very confused and a bit hurt if my sister sent gifts to my own future children for Christmas even though she knows we don''t celebrate that holiday. (Of course, that would never happen because she''s in the rabbinate, but anyway . . . )

I understand that your intentions are good here, but I think it''s more an issue of respecting his family''s personal beliefs and behaving accordingly.

I like the idea of just having the items open and there to give to your nephew when they visit. Then it''s more like a party favor than a gift.

 

[VRBeauty]

I have several co-workers who have the same beliefs. It took me awhile to get used to it, but at the end of the day... it is what they believe and I honor it.

Spoil you nephew when you see him and send him the occasional "just because" gift. You and your could also consider setting the money you would have spent on gifts aside in an educational savings account for him.

 

[D&T]

Haven, VR -thank you for your comments. DH thinks there is an underlying issue as well as cultural issues. I once heard from my mom that my SIL told her that my brother feels that we have neglected him in not calling him or writing to him! I''ve emailed, and called but not often and he has not once called or email me back

. In our culture I guess all the young siblings are "supposed" to be the ones to Make the efforts

maybe its just a family thing

... I don''t know anymore its all soo confusing, cross culture, and cross religions cross families and all...lol. I can''t read his mind!

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 12/16/2009 11:47:21 AM
Author: D&T
Sundial, MC and Merseal, I can see your point in respecting his wishes. I will do that from now on, But it saddens me a bit

especially for my nephew. That is a great idea- I'll just bring the gifts (unwrapped) whenever I see him, we don't see him too often - I try to always make it to his house everytime we visit our Family there, but he has never onced visited me or our family since we moved almost six years ago

ETA: Bia and Radiant, thanks ladies. He doesn't even do Birthdays anymore either

I feel like he is depriving his son out of these little things in life kwim? I don't know if has anything to do with how we grew up, which we also didn't celebrate birthdays and christmas.

You might feel that way, but your brother is the childs parent, and it's up to him to decide how he wants to raise his child.

I don't think you should be hurt or offended. Just take the gifts back. Don't overstep your boundaries just because you don't agree with how they're choosing to live their lives.

You can always give the items to your nephew at a later time, as long as your brother/SIL are open to that. (They'll still be "gifts", but with no connection to a religious holiday).

Edited for a missing word

 

[D&T]

Thanks Lily- I''m actually over it, I was probably more hurt and had teary eyes more than anything. *sigh* I''ll just keep the gift until another day Non-holiday or birthdays

 

[decodelighted]

Hmm. Bummer. But now you know ... I think "forgetting" to announce it *beforehand* was a little attention-seeking on your brother''s part. Its sooooo much more dramatic to REFUSE a gift than to casually mention they no longer believe in xmas or birthday gift-giving.

Agree with the idea to save the (unwrapped) gifts for "just because" random thought-of-you gift giving opportunities. But you might want to ask in advance if there''s some rule against that as well! Yikes!

 

[D&T]

Date: 12/16/2009 1:13:33 PM
Author: decodelighted
Hmm. Bummer. But now you know ... I think 'forgetting' to announce it *beforehand* was a little attention-seeking on your brother's part. Its sooooo much more dramatic to REFUSE a gift than to casually mention they no longer believe in xmas or birthday gift-giving.

Agree with the idea to save the (unwrapped) gifts for 'just because' random thought-of-you gift giving opportunities. But you might want to ask in advance if there's some rule against that as well! Yikes!

Exactly! I hurried up and emailed my sister about not getting them anything so she doesn't have to go through these emotions.

lol- I feel like I'm walking on eggshells with the whole gift giving. A gift is suppose to make you feel better about giving, not bad about it right?

 

[lilyfoot]

I have to agree with deco. Why didn''t they notify all family members that they wouldn''t be accepting gifts this year (or from now on)?

 

[kenny]

We must respect others even when we don't understand them.
They do not owe you any explanation, nor do they have an obligation to be consistent.

IMHO, parental rights trump your desire to give to their children.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

I don't celebrate Christmas as a religious holiday, my entire family is atheist and we immigrated to this country, but growing up, we still exchanged gifts with other people and each other. Why? Just because my parents wanted to adopt what was "the norm", and why reject an excuse for merry-making and socializing? My mom would put up a plastic tree just because as a kid I really liked decorating it with shiny objects. I don't think I learned that Christmas was religious-based until maybe middle school, I just thought it was an American cultural tradition.

I actually have some strong issues with certain orthodox Christian teachings, but I still accept Christmas gifts and (gasp) even give them to people (including my husband who does celebrate Christmas). I celebrate it in a cultural way and not in a religious way, or I"ll give the gifts on winter solstice to celebrate that the days will now be getting longer (which makes me so happy!).

I agree that he should have let you know before hand that he wasn't accepting presents this year instead of rejecting it afterwards. But oh well, you can always just give your nephew presents for other random events. I've been known to send people things if I see something they like and I want them to have.

 

[Efe]

I am sorry you are having to deal with this. Your brother could have easily thanked you for your thoughtfulness, explained how they have changed their traditions/beliefs, and said that he would hold onto the presents and give them as non-gifts to his children at some other time. You would then have a heads up for next year and he wouldn''t have looked like a jerk.

 

[D&T]

-Lily- my brother is a special cookie

he has such a controlling personality its hard for many to get a long with, and maybe he thought if he didn''t bring it up we might have forgotten the gifts

-Kenny, true true, I will try to respect his choices. I''m really over it now.

-MTG- I like the "social norm" of gift giving during this holiday time as well and when we were younger, it was just that a social "american" culture and he was fine with it but ok, now he''s all weird. He has never thanked us for any of the gifts before but we keep giving, because like you I see something and would like them to have it, they won''t buy it for themself, so I buy it for them.

-Bizou - thank you for your comments. Apparently my family doesn''t have tact sometimes, they don''t realize they hurt feelings by not accepting. My mother told my dad she didn''t like the gift I gave her this year and she usually likes my taste (I wish my dad would have kept it to himself) but at least I know I won''t get her that kind of things next year (yes, they opened their gifts upon package arrival

)

 

[meresal]

My MIL will be getting her the belts that she asked for, I think. She specified that they be "designer", one that is 1" and another that is 2", and even gave price points of a few that she already owns and would like them to be similar, (ie. in price) that are around $200. LOL!

Ohh, she also threw this in: "D (MIL), just beacuse you love the color orange and it looks good on you, it does not look great on everyone. Please refrain from this color in any gifts you might give me."

I think your brother and my Aunt-in-Law might be from the same Fabric.

ETA: You would DIE if I could type the entire email.

 

[Lilac]

I''m not entirely sure I understand why they won''t accept your gifts. I do understand why they wouldn''t want to give their children Christmas gifts (with Christmas wrapping paper, a Christmas card, etc.) if they don''t celebrate Christmas because that might send mixed messages to their kids about what holidays they should celebrate. However, if you wrapped the presents in neutral wrapping paper with a "Happy Holidays!" card, I would think that should be ok.

Obviously it''s their decision what to allow their kids to have or not have, but as a Jewish person who does not celebrate Christmas, I know I would very much appreciate any gifts from people who were thoughtful enough to think of me (or my future children). And I would think it was especially thoughtful if the gifts were wrapped in Hanukkah paper or neutral paper with a Happy Holidays card out of respect for my religion.

I agree with others - maybe unwrap the gifts and just bring them with you when you see them. Just say they''re a nice gesture, or a *holiday* gift (rather than specifying which holiday).

 

[D&T]

Date: 12/16/2009 2:30:03 PM
Author: meresal
My MIL will be getting her the belts that she asked for, I think. She specified that they be ''designer'', one that is 1'' and another that is 2'', and even gave price points of a few that she already owns and would like them to be similar, (ie. in price) that are around $200. LOL!

Ohh, she also threw this in: ''D (MIL), just beacuse you love the color orange and it looks good on you, it does not look great on everyone. Please refrain from this color in any gifts you might give me.''

I think your brother and my Aunt-in-Law might be from the same Fabric.

ETA: You would DIE if I could type the entire email.

lol... possibly...

Lilac- You are good to accept with gratitude. I will do away with wrapping altogether though.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and comments. I am much appreciative of your insights

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

D&T, sorry you''ve been hurt by this. I have a friend who did a similar thing a few years back, when he became more involved in his faith community and although I respect his wishes, I was hurt. Anyway, if it''s the faith I''m thinking of, does your brother and his family have a gift day? My friend does now, so I just give him what I get for his birthday on that day instead. May not be relevant to your brother''s family, but if it is, gifts can be given to your nephew then, maybe.

Jen