Wedding Nix the Big Wedding?

[luvbug]

We’ve recently had some bad luck, FI was let go from his job last week

His company is having some really bad financial problems (might be going under). He ran the East Coast and they basically told him they couldn’t afford him anymore and had to let him go. Gave him 2 days notice (!!) and no severance or anything! So here''s what I''ve been thinking about for the last week:

We’re still searching for a venue for an Oct2009 wedding, haven’t found “the one.” My parents are gifting us most of the budget, and said we can do whatever we want with the $$. Smaller wedding and keep the extra cash or we can add to the budget and have a big wedding (or anything in between).

With such uncertain financial times I’m wondering if it’s right for us to throw this big party. Part of us wants to do the big wedding, but there’s also a part that just wants slip away with our closest family and celebrate. What do you guys think, anyone else feeling this way?

 

[Shoopy]

We''ve been engaged now for two months and still have no idea what we want to do in terms of big or small. Like you, we can''t justify spending that much money on a wedding especially with the way everything is going. But also, like you, we feel that using the money to celebrate our big day is totally justifiable.

I''m guessing that we''ll make a decision on what to do by the end of this year.

You are not alone

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Yes...except we''re already committed.

I am just hoping we can hold out long enough to make sure everything is paid for. The only thing we haven''t started paying for is the honeymoon..I am considering nixing that.

Do what ever feels best and doesn''t put you in debt. I think small wedding + nest egg sounds dang good! But if you''re set on the big wedding, just don''t outspend your funds.

 

[MaggieB]

We nixed the big wedding BEFORE the market crash. At that point, I wasn''t afraid of fiance losing job. I had just talked to too many people who said that they barely spoke to 3/4 of the people at their wedding, and I know our personalities and we just really like small intimate gatherings. We are planning a family and close friend "weekend" with 25 people, and everybody is REALLY looking forward to it. We rented a gorgeous house on the water, we''re having a cookout Friday night, and elegant dinner Saturday after the ceremony, and a casual breakfast together on Sunday morning. In between time, people will be fishing, hiking, boating, or going to the spa if they aren''t outdoorsy! It''s on December 6th and I haven''t regretted one time that I''m not going bigger.

Then, the banking crisis hit and now I''m thanking my lucky stars that we did this. My fiance is a banker, his company just had layoffs, and there is an excellent possibility that he won''t have a job by the time we get married. I know that he would not be able to enjoy a huge extravaganza thinking about "where am I going to get a job" the whole time.

 

[littlelysser]

luvbug - Considering your current financial situation (unless you guys have tons of money saved, and the fact that your FI lost his job isn't a big deal, in which case, spend as much as you'd want!), I think it would be a bit irresponsible to have a large, lavish wedding. Cause really, here is the the thing...no matter how wonderful and amazing your big wedding might be, it is only ONE day. A couple of hours, really. That amount of money, however, can make a HUGE difference in your life. And it could really relieve the stress from your FI having lost his job.

FWIW, DH and I got married in September of last year. We bought our house 4 years before that. My parents always told me they'd give us a big old wedding, OR a down payment on a house. They gave us the money for the down payment and we paid for our own wedding. I do not and have not regretted it for one minute. In addition to a down payment, we used some of the funds to pay down debt and we put some in savings.

And we had an informal small backyard BBQ wedding. We had about 55 people there, and it was absolutely wonderful. And the whole thing cost us about 6k. We had many people telling us that it was their favorite wedding they'd attended.

So yeah, I say small wedding, big savings.

 

[Shoopy]

Date: 9/30/2008 9:37:05 AM
Author: MaggieB
We nixed the big wedding BEFORE the market crash. At that point, I wasn''t afraid of fiance losing job. I had just talked to too many people who said that they barely spoke to 3/4 of the people at their wedding, and I know our personalities and we just really like small intimate gatherings. We are planning a family and close friend ''weekend'' with 25 people, and everybody is REALLY looking forward to it. We rented a gorgeous house on the water, we''re having a cookout Friday night, and elegant dinner Saturday after the ceremony, and a casual breakfast together on Sunday morning. In between time, people will be fishing, hiking, boating, or going to the spa if they aren''t outdoorsy! It''s on December 6th and I haven''t regretted one time that I''m not going bigger.

Then, the banking crisis hit and now I''m thanking my lucky stars that we did this. My fiance is a banker, his company just had layoffs, and there is an excellent possibility that he won''t have a job by the time we get married. I know that he would not be able to enjoy a huge extravaganza thinking about ''where am I going to get a job'' the whole time.

Maggie I''m sorry about your FI''s company and the layoffs.

But I have to say that your wedding plans sounds so unbelievably perfect!!

 

[BeachRunner]

Date: 9/30/2008 9:37:05 AM
Author: MaggieB
We nixed the big wedding BEFORE the market crash. At that point, I wasn''t afraid of fiance losing job. I had just talked to too many people who said that they barely spoke to 3/4 of the people at their wedding, and I know our personalities and we just really like small intimate gatherings. We are planning a family and close friend ''weekend'' with 25 people, and everybody is REALLY looking forward to it. We rented a gorgeous house on the water, we''re having a cookout Friday night, and elegant dinner Saturday after the ceremony, and a casual breakfast together on Sunday morning. In between time, people will be fishing, hiking, boating, or going to the spa if they aren''t outdoorsy! It''s on December 6th and I haven''t regretted one time that I''m not going bigger.


Then, the banking crisis hit and now I''m thanking my lucky stars that we did this. My fiance is a banker, his company just had layoffs, and there is an excellent possibility that he won''t have a job by the time we get married. I know that he would not be able to enjoy a huge extravaganza thinking about ''where am I going to get a job'' the whole time.

This sounds like a DREAM wedding! It really does sound perfect Be sure to take/post LOTS of pictures! Do you have any pictures of the property now?

 

[diamondfan]

I am sorry about your troubles. It is scary and hard to picture getting past all of this.

I have a huge bar mitzvah in about a month. Honestly, it is tough when the economy is so bad, but I have been planning it for three years and the money has been spent. I cannot get anything back at this point, and the invites went out and hotels booked. If I were planning now it might be a bit different. I think you can scale back a bit and see how things go in the next little bit.

 

[CDNinNYC]

Date: 9/30/2008 9:37:05 AM
Author: MaggieB
We nixed the big wedding BEFORE the market crash. At that point, I wasn't afraid of fiance losing job. I had just talked to too many people who said that they barely spoke to 3/4 of the people at their wedding, and I know our personalities and we just really like small intimate gatherings. We are planning a family and close friend 'weekend' with 25 people, and everybody is REALLY looking forward to it. We rented a gorgeous house on the water, we're having a cookout Friday night, and elegant dinner Saturday after the ceremony, and a casual breakfast together on Sunday morning. In between time, people will be fishing, hiking, boating, or going to the spa if they aren't outdoorsy! It's on December 6th and I haven't regretted one time that I'm not going bigger.

Then, the banking crisis hit and now I'm thanking my lucky stars that we did this. My fiance is a banker, his company just had layoffs, and there is an excellent possibility that he won't have a job by the time we get married. I know that he would not be able to enjoy a huge extravaganza thinking about 'where am I going to get a job' the whole time.

Maggie, the more I read your posts, the more similiar our stories seem.

We also forgoed a big wedding. While a main part of the reason we did so was because we preferred a small, intimate affaire, we also took into account my fiance's line of work and the current volatility of the market. My fiance is also a banker and earlier this year, he was employed at an investment bank where EVERYONE lost their jobs. Luckily he got on the ball with interviews even before the final axe fell and received a few offers but his success has been bittersweet, what with most of his friends and colleagues having to leave the city, the state, and the country in search of other employment opportunities in the banking industry and elsewhere.

Luvug, congratulations on your engagement and good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[PrincessDijon]

I''d personally do the small wedding ...in all actuality, I had a small 1000.00 wedding last time and it was paid off and we were married. Yes, it was disappointing in some respects but at least when we divorced i wasn''t stuck with any wedding debt 3 years later!

My new FI and I have 3 years to go before we are getting married....but even by then, I don''t think we''ll be able to save enough for a HUGE wedding and neither of us have wealthy parents. I think as long as your family and close friends are there and you are happy to be married to each other, it''s really a great financial and stress relief to go with a small wedding!

Just my 0.02!

 

[Clairitek]

I''m very sorry to hear about your FI''s job Luvbug.

FF and I were talking about this exact thing last night. We had spent part of yesterday going over our spending trends since we bought the house (4 months ago) and trying to see where we can cut back to save some money- even if its only $150 a month total. We don''t plan on getting married until 2010 so who knows what will happen in the mean time. Right now we are tossing around 3 ideas for our wedding-

1) small 40 person cocktail hour and dinner reception w/o a DJ or dancing.
2) a large reception at a local picnic pavilion with a New England clambake with 160-180 people but the total cost for food/drink per person would be around $45 so the large guest list wouldn''t TOTALLY break the bank.
3) a mid-sized reception for 100 at a more traditional wedding venue complete with DJ, dancing, cocktail hour and other things you''d find at a standard wedding. By far the most expensive option even with a reduced guest list.

At the moment, with money being the way that it is, I''m leaning towards option (1) because I know that it would cost the least.

I don''t blame you for considering downsizing to save some cash and have a little extra padding in the bank. It would probably give some you peace of mind as well.

 

[Lanie]

This is a tough situation that I''m having to think about as well. Everyone says the wedding is all about the people that are there. That''s true, BUT you want it to be nice and pretty. My FI and I are going back and forth with this one because he doesn''t understand everything behind the venue you choose...it will show up in the photography, you will remember your first dance as a married couple, you will remember the whole feel of looking out at all your guests. It''s something that is way too special to me personally. I would rather spend a little more on it, because I don''t want to regret it.

But then again, everyone who is already married says it''s not that big of a deal, that you are on cloud nine to begin with, so if the carpet or chairs are ugly, you won''t even notice.

After yesterday''s tank in the stock market, my FI and I are probably going with a much cheaper venue, but having more guests be there with us. They will understand.

Not much advice for you...sorry...just in a pensive mood today.

 

[luvbug]

Thanks everyone for your input. It''s so hard to figure out what to do especially b/c FI and I are both totally indecisive and go-with-the-flow. I think even if a stranger planned our wedding we would love it. And of course, seeing everyones great ideas here...I wish I could have 10 different weddings!

fiery - Thanks for the support, I read about your dilemma too. We were hoping to have something figured out by the end of October. That''ll give us a year to plan if we go with the big wedding. Good luck with your decision!

SarahLovesJS - Thanks for your input. I''m sure your wedding will be wonderful! If you have to put off the honeymoon it''ll be something fun to look forward to

MaggieB - Along with everyone else, I think your wedding sounds like a dream!! I hope your FIs job stays safe so you can enjoy every minute of it! We''re going to a destination wedding on Dec 6th too, can''t wait for the mini vacation.

littlelysser - Thanks for the advice. As of right now, our monthly bills (mortgage, cars, etc) should be covered with my salary (and hopefully his unemployment) and we won''t have to dip into our savings. We''ve worked really hard at saving as much as possible and we wouldnt be touching that for the wedding either. My parents are giving us more than enough for a great wedding, but this whole thing is just making me think. Maybe we should take the budget and put that away too. I love the backyard BBQ idea, my mom has been suggesting something like that all along.

diamondfan - Thanks. Good luck with the bar mitzvah I''m sure it''ll be a great time!

CDNinNYC - Thanks, I love your ring btw

PrincessDijon - I agree that all you need is each other + close family and friends would be great. I just hope I don''t miss the big wedding down the line. I just read your story...Congrats to you!!! You guys are soooooo cute and I''m lovin you ring

Clairitek - Thank you. Congrats on the house!! FI and I bought about a year and a half ago and it definitely takes some adjustment. I like your ideas, we''re considering similar ones too + some. The possibilities are endless LOL!

Lanie - I feel the exact same way as you! I read about your venue and my heart broke for you. Good luck with your choices too!

 

[dogmama]

As I keep seeing more and more reports of long standing financial institutions crumble and now this crazy bail out issue, I think it would be hard to justify splurging on a big wedding, especially if your fiance just lost his job.

I think it''d be a lot of pressure on him and you in these difficult times. It might be better to do a really luxe smaller wedding. It would also be a very intimate experience because once you pare down the guest list, it''d truly be the people who you''d want there to witness such a monumental event in your life.

I think it''d also be more financially healthy to do that. You do want to make sure you have a means to live past that one day. I hope that advice helps. If you want to know, I''m having a small wedding of 80 of our closest family and friends and it has really been so integral to saving money on our wedding. So good luck!

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I''m sorry to hear about your recent troubles. It''s becoming more and more common. Job security just doesn''t exist anymore.

FI and I went through this debate last year. We started planning a medium 150 person beach wedding, the whole 9 yards. We were only looking at spending $15-20k (likely more), which we would have by the wedding (raises, bonuses, tax returns, savings, etc). But a number is just a number until you have something to put it into perspective. That came about when we started writing the deposit checks. Deposits came due right at the time gas prices went sky high and the market really started going douth. FI works in construction management and he noticed that their long-standing clients were starting to go out for bid on jobs to find the best deal, vs going with the old standby. People were shifted to other teams and laid off/fired. Luckily he wasn''t affected, but it scared us a bit. We had a frank discussion about finances and our goals and the market, and I''m glad we did.

We decided that it was irresponsible to commit ourselves to a wedding that we could afford in the next year, but not right at that moment. I mean who''s to say that our bonuses this year will be what they were last year, or if we''ll see raises. Or heaven forbid, one of us loses our job. Putting non-refundable deposits down on a wedding with a $15-20k price tag was too risky, so we decided to scale back. We lost our $500 deposit on the venue, but no other deposits had been made. As the venue is a historical landmark, we can actually take a deduction on our taxes as a charitable contribution.

So now our wedding is 50 ppl (hopefully less) and we''re having the reception at a really fabulous and unique restaurant. We were able to increase the level of service and quality but keep the cost down by going with this route. We wouldn''t have been able to throw the caliber of party that this one will be with our previous budget. So in all, it was a good decision for us.

But we''re not you. You need to do what''s right for you and your FI. Our families were happy with the decision we made and it actually helped encourage them to contribute financially. They weren''t in favor of spending crazy money before, but they respect the decision we made, and the budget is more reasonable in their eyes. So now they might contribute half which is fabulous, but wouldn''t have put a dent in our previous budget.

So talk it over with FI and talk to your parents. Look at scaling back your guest list to the absolute essential ppl and only those ppl. Ours is parents, siblings, aunts/uncles, select cousins (who we''re close friends with), and the friends who were originally in the bridal party. That''s it. No bosses, old neighbors, third cousins removed, friends of friends, etc. Look at venues and ceremony locations that aren''t usually used for weddings but are aesthetically pleasing or interesting. Consider restaurants, which often don''t have room/booking fees and may provide extras like decor. If you''re not overly religious, consider a nondenominational ceremony outside or in a nontraditional space. That will save you on church costs, etc. A smaller wedding means some things like DIY flowers and invitations will be more feasible. These options might also save you money.Also, consider having your wedding on a night that''s not usually a wedding night. Ours is on a Sunday. For a Sunday night wedding, consider a long holiday weekend. A lot of places will charge you Sunday rates regardless of the date so you and your guests can have the benefits you get with a Saturday wedding, for a lot less.

So for us, bottom line, 150 ppl meant a middle-of-the-road cookie cutter beach wedding where we had to bring in everything and all vendors (chairs, tables, linens, etc). That means charges for everything as well as taxes and tips. For an exhorbitant amount of money.

A Sunday wedding with 50 ppl (or less) means a pretty chichi wedding at a gourmet restaurant/art gallery with just about everything included (ceremony and reception space, tables chairs, linens, flowers for the reception, decor for the ceremony, servers, open bar, cake, and 3-4 course dinner with fish and beef options) for $100/head. All we have to do is add some additional decor for the ceremony ($100), hire the photog and officiant ($1700 and $250 respectively), get a dress/tux ($1200), invitations ($15-yes, you heard me, $15 (from the "Brides Magazine" line at Michael''s), DIY flowers for the bridal party/GM ($200?) and put together our Ipod list (FREE). We cut our budget in a huge way, and with the ''rents now possibly paying up to 1/2, we''re looking at an even lower total. That translates into a better honeymoon for us.

So it can be done. We could go even lower in cost if we wanted to. If FI and I had our way, aunts and uncles and cousins (about 1/2 the guest list) would be out. Our parents have asked that they be included and we''ve obliged. I would even elope if I thought we could get away with it...lol

Good luck, this board is a wealth of information. Many of the ladies and gents have planned and paid for weddings on their own.

 

[swimmer]

Luvbug, You are very smart to be thinking along these lines, Hudson and the rest of the ladies make great points, I just want to reiterate, discuss this with the parents who are financially contributing. My only wedding stress (other than my bustle) was when I realized that I was going to have to uninvite some of my friends so that my In-Laws could have all their guests...we figured it out, but as most anyone who is here can echo, parents can get "wedded" to the idea of inviting everyone they care about to share in the wonderful event. Make it clear what you are thinking about numbers and locations so that people are on the same page. Congratulations and enjoy the wedding planning, or wait till you are able to enjoy it.

 

[luvbug]

lilythespitfire - 80 people sounds really nice. We were trying to keep the guest list at around 100 but it quickly grew to almost twice that. I''ll just have to take the reigns back and chop up the list!

Hudson_Hawk - It looks like you found a great place! It looks like you''re very savvy with everything you listed

Are you in the Hudson Valley? I''m taking a trip up there to check out some places next week

swimmer - My parents gave us the $$ and they''re very laid back and left everything up to us. They''ve had great input, but only when summoned. We''re very lucky that neither family is pushy and have taken a step back and acknowledge that its our wedding and we should do whatever we want


Still hard to decide...I was looking at elopement destinations yesterday and thinking of all the renovations we can do on our house with all that $$

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Unfortunately I''m in Rhode Island

 

[Octavia]

Luvbug, I just saw this...I''m so sorry to hear about your fiance''s job. It''s so tough right now. I have to admit that I''m freaking out a bit about wedding costs, too, mainly because I''m a student for another two years with no guarantees of employment afterward, so I definitely understand where you''re at. Good luck to Mr. Luvbug, and I hope that you find a venue that strikes just the right balance for you...please keep us updated!

 

[dogmama]

Date: 10/2/2008 8:47:04 AM
Author: luvbug
lilythespitfire - 80 people sounds really nice. We were trying to keep the guest list at around 100 but it quickly grew to almost twice that. I''ll just have to take the reigns back and chop up the list!

Still hard to decide...I was looking at elopement destinations yesterday and thinking of all the renovations we can do on our house with all that $$

I think I totally had a wakeup call when I realized that the $15K I was spending on my wedding could have eaten up quite a bit of my debt! So at that point I really decided that a smaller wedding was truly much more justified.

I''d be more happy to splurge on the house since its a financial investment.

Oh and if you''re in the NYC area let me know! A lot of Long Island places have great deals!

 

[luvbug]

Update: I just got a promotion last week and FIs unemployment came through! Some stress is alleviated & we definitely won''t have to touch any savings

Octavia - Thanks for the well-wishes

FI is settling into unemployment just fine by working on our house non-stop, cleaning, and cooking dinner! It''s like having a housewife LOL at lease there''s a bright side. We''re going on our last venue outing tomorrow, decisions are soon!

Lily - I feel the same way, part of me would love to take the wedding money and redo our kitchen. I''m actually in central Jersey but my parents are north so we''re looking in the Hudson Valley tomorrow. It''s going to be our last trip b/c we''ve already looked at so many places

 

[lovethejewels]

In these times a may not hurt to be more conservative. We had a wedding with 100 people and we were so glad we did. It's tough to get to everyone to say hello at the wedding and it was less stress, too.

A wedding is for one day and a marriage is for a lifetime.

 

[lovethejewels]

Date: 9/30/2008 9:28:50 AM
Author: SarahLovesJS
Yes...except we're already committed.

I am just hoping we can hold out long enough to make sure everything is paid for. The only thing we haven't started paying for is the honeymoon..I am considering nixing that.

Do what ever feels best and doesn't put you in debt. I think small wedding + nest egg sounds dang good! But if you're set on the big wedding, just don't outspend your funds.

We opted for a honeymoon website instead of gifts at the wedding. We already had all the household stuff we could use and we paid for the wedding ourselves. A honeymoon website allows your guests to gift you things you out on your wish list for your honeymoon. For example, we asked for a romantic dinner, a bottle of wine, a hotel night, money towards airline tickets, etc. Really whatever was bought was given to us as cash and we used to money to pay for our honeymoon. We needed the money more for the honeymoon than more fine china. LOL. All our friends and Family loved seeing our honeymoon pics because we could show them.. hey, look we here's where you bought us dinner, here's the hotel you helped us stay in, etc.

 

[Bashful]

FI and I got engaged in April and our wedding is in November. It was going to be a lavish wedding for about 100 people. We were going for the whole nine yards and hired a very expensive planner. My parents are helping with half and we''re going to pay for the other half. All was well until I got laidoff at the end of June. We''ve already booked most of the essentials at that point and couldn''t back out... It''s a >$170,000 wedding and I realize that after the wedding, ALL of my savings would be wiped out. So I''d either have to look for a job asap or would have to depend on FI after the wedding. I''ve always been financially independent and the thought of relying on someone just scares me. If I could do it all over again I''d choose to have a more modest wedding. Desperate times call for desperate measures. You can make your wedding meaningful and beautiful even with a smaller budget.