LiW New here-- advice?

[LazyDaisy]

Hi everyone, I''m new here and SO relieved to find out other women are in my situation. I really need your help though in dealing with the uncertainty of it all-- what do you do to pass the time and not go crazy? Here''s a little about my situation:

BF and I have been together several years (2 of them in college). From very early in the relationship he was gung ho about marrying me and always the one to suggest it himself and got so excited about it. Last year he told me (with no pressure from me whatsoever) he wanted to get engaged soon and that I should expect a ring by December. He even started talking about who would be in the wedding party and how he wanted it to be, and he had "the talk" with my dad. Well... December came and went, and we had another discussion. He made some excuses but promised he still wanted to, just not yet. He kept putting me off and putting me off, and finally this summer admitted he just flat out isn''t ready for marriage at all... but he still wants to marry me one day, but he has no idea when. My question is, why go through all the unprompted effort of making specific promises and taking me ring shopping and asking my father''s permission, if he wasn''t ready to begin with? And what do I do now to keep my sanity while I wait indefinitely for him to be ready?

BTW, we aren''t living together or even sleeping together (a joint decision) until we''re married, so I know it isn''t a "getting the milk for free" thing. So what am I doing wrong?

 

[redfaerythinker]

Oh wow, that''s tough. I don''t think that you are doing anything wrong. Especially if all of his marriage talk was unprompted. Not knowing him or you all I can do is speculate; but maybe he was talking about marriage in a rosy glow kind of mindset and then when the real engagement time came around he realized how serious it was and got a little freaked out. On the plus side he says he still wants to marry you. But I would sit down and try and hash out exactly what he is feeling so that you know that you won''t be waiting forever. Good luck!

 

[KimberlyH]

First, please remove the thought that you are doing something "wrong" from your head (I am under the assumption that nothing major happened between the time he talked to you and your dad about marriage and chanhing his mind). This isn''t about you, this about what your BF. Next, you need to figure out what your limit is. How long are you willing to wait for him to be ready? Your limit may be yesterday, it may be 6 months from now; whatever it is you need to communicate it to him. "Honey, I love you, but I want to get married and I can''t wait indefinitely for you to decide the same thing. Can we figure out a reasonable amount of time in which you can think things over and decide what it is you really want from this relationship so that I am not left feeling like my needs aren''t being met, which will eventually turn into my resenting you..." or "Honey, I can''t sit around waiting for you to be ready to get married, so I think it''s time for us to take a break while you decide what exactly it is that you want..." You get the picture.

I can''t tell you what to do, but I can tell you if I were in your shoes and my BF shared with my family that he intended to propose, changed his mind and left me hanging I''d be out the door.

 

[LazyDaisy]

Well, in all fairness to him, he never told my dad any specific timeline. I mean I wasn''t there for the conversation but he was clear with me from the outset that he didn''t give my dad any indication of when it would happen, he just wanted to be sure when he decided to that my dad was on board. He gets along well with my family but we don''t live anywhere near my parents so at the time he thought it would be his last opportunity to talk to my dad before he would have proposed.

He insists that he truly does want to marry me, and logically I don''t think he''d be with me if he didn''t. It would be one thing if we were living together or sleeping together, but I don''t know many 25 year old men who would be content with holding hands and playing Putt-Putt forever.

As far as that conversation, we''ve had it. He makes some sense though in saying that he can''t possibly predict when he''ll feel ready, because if he knew that then we could just go ahead and get engaged and have a long engagement. All he knows is that the time isn''t right.

Right now I feel like if I''m not engaged by new year''s it might be time to reevaluate the relationship, but realisitically I don''t see him proposing any time within the next 12 months. I''m still trying to decide if I can live with that. If I were completely certain we''d be getting married eventually and if I had a reasonable expectation of when, then I''d feel much better about it. But he says he feels pressured when I ask him for a timeline because then if he doesn''t come through on it he''ll let me down. He wants to know why I can''t just be happy with the way things are anymore. I''m trying to be... but when I got all built up for beginning a life together, it''s hard to go back.

Sorry that was so long!! Thanks for the advice. I''ll keep you all updated if there are any developments.

 

[DMBsGirl]

I''m sorry that you are dealing with this. I will share my situation with you. My boyfriend and I have been together since our freshman year of college, we are now 26 and 27. It is not until now that he feels ready for engagement. When we were 18-23 he talked about it all the time, saying how he couldn''t wait to get married. But I think the reality of what it means to be married hadn''t hit him. He grew up and realized it ISN''T that easy or simple. He wanted to be in the right spot career wise and financially. I am glad that he did this. It takes some guys a little longer to be ready, but that means he is taking this seriously and not just jumping into the decision. You, of course, have the right to be ok with this or chose to move on. It is a tough decision, but you have to decide what is best for you. Best of luck!

 

[LazyDaisy]

Thanks DMB! I really appreciate your input. Gosh, was it hard for you to wait so long? I mean, when you were 25 and you (probably) saw practically everyone you knew who was in a relationship getting engaged, did you have doubts? How did you handle it? Even though I know in my head it shouldn''t, it''s really been affecting my self-esteem. Especially all the questions from other people... in particular those who asked a year ago and I said "soon" who are now asking "when?" and I have to answer for the delay. How did you handle public scrutiny?

 

[KimberlyH]

It sounds like you''ve decided that waiting for him is more important than knowing that your wants/needs are going to be met in X amount of time, good for you for having thought it through. Just keep that in mind when you begin to feel angry/hurt/sad because he''s not proposed, as you are in control of your choices, actions and 1/2 of what happens in this relationship.

 

[bee*]

Date: 8/10/2007 11:21:45 PM
Author: DMBsGirl
I'm sorry that you are dealing with this. I will share my situation with you. My boyfriend and I have been together since our freshman year of college, we are now 26 and 27. It is not until now that he feels ready for engagement. When we were 18-23 he talked about it all the time, saying how he couldn't wait to get married. But I think the reality of what it means to be married hadn't hit him. He grew up and realized it ISN'T that easy or simple. He wanted to be in the right spot career wise and financially. I am glad that he did this. It takes some guys a little longer to be ready, but that means he is taking this seriously and not just jumping into the decision. You, of course, have the right to be ok with this or chose to move on. It is a tough decision, but you have to decide what is best for you. Best of luck!

My situation is the exact same as this. Im happy I waited, it's been tough through some of it, but we're happier now than we've ever been. Good luck with your decision and I can understand how disappointed you must have felt when december came and went.

 

[mimzy]

hi!

I had a really similar experience with my boyfriend - i know just how you feel! when i started dating my boyfriend he was the same way: really excited to get engaged and married ASAP (he had a year and a half of school to go and i had two and a half), etc etc, all of which was totally unprompted. after a couple years past and it would have been totally "possible" for us to be engaged, I got pretty upset because it still didn''t seem like it was going to happen anywhere in the relatively near future. I would ask him and he would say things like we were too young or that he needed a better job, etc.it was always "after i get a job"..."after I finish this training"..."after i save up the money"....etc after a few months when none of those things were really relevant anymore, i got him to admit that he just wasn''t a hundred percent ready. I was really dissapointed, but knowing him and his personality i had to realize that he felt comfortable saying all those things back then because he knew he still had time before he actually had to take action on it. I know he loves me and does want to marry me, and while it killed me, being set up and let down like that, i eventually accepted that he needed a little bit of time to transition from the "one day" mentality to the "someday soon" mentality (i am currently waiting for him to move on to the "maybe this weekend" mentality"!!).

i know it sucks being put on hold like that, especially when he was so sweet and seemingly ready in the beginning. and i think we all probably wish that he had boyfriends that were automatically ready and eager to get married as soon as we are....but most of us don''t. i know it might seem like a crappy consolation prize, but at least you have a man that is honest and that is taking getting engaged and married very seriously... AND that you have a man that wants to marry you at all!

I know how stupid i felt (feel!) thinking back on how i had mentioned to friends that he wanted to get married really fast and that we were going to get engaged soon....it makes me feel like they think i am just a wishful thinking silly girl with an uninterested boyfriend. but i know that that isn''t the truth - that those , ahem, expectations didn''t come out of no where and that there are legitimate reasons (i''d call not being 100% ready legitimate!) for it not happening yet......just like i''m sure that there are for you.

i know this is super cliche, but in the meantime, just focus on your relationship. Even if you are ready to and are dying to move on to the next phase in your life, there is always something you can do to improve the current phase. and i think most importantly continue to be supportive of him and his "not readiness" (opposed to trying to push him). he is probably struggling with the idea of letting you down and trying to prepare himself for whats ahead of him, and i really think that the best thing you can do show him that you still love him and appreciate his thoughtfulness, and that you are there to discuss any concerns or fears or anything with him. (of course if it a year or two from now...it becomes a different story). I know that when i realized that my bf "just wasn''t ready" it turned some of my impatience and frustration into sympathy (i felt bad that he had felt like he needed to act like he was!) and now i take every opportunity that i can do show him that we can make it and that he can trust me (i.e. not putting up a fight when he wants to play a nerdy board game, not getting upset if he wants to spend more time at (his) home, etc). And even if this has no bearing on his "readiness" level, it makes me feel better in knowing that our relationship is better for it.

i''m sorry that was so long winded! just know that lots of us know how you feel. we all have bad days, even desperate days. just channel that energy for good!

 

[LazyDaisy]

Thank you so much mimzy! You have no idea how much your post has helped me! I think I''m feeling a little better myself with things right now, because as ready as I have been to move forward, I have to admit that there is some relief in being able to just focus on myself for a while. Once I felt like we were in "engagement mode" in the very near future, I felt like I needed to put all my energy into "us" and subsequently didn''t put much into ME. I think I am going to take a dance class or an art class-- something totally new that I''d love to try even if I have no talent LOL. That''s the kind of thing I would have done a few years ago, but lately haven''t paid any attention to.

If he decides he''s ready to get married, great, but I''m not putting any more mental energy into the when/where/how of it all from now on. I''m not saying I won''t still lurk on the pricescope boards or watch the occasional Bridezillas episode, but I''m not going to let myself get so emotionally invested in the idea of being married right away. If it backfires and I wind up a crazy cat lady one day, that''s ok too... I like cats.

Thank you all for being so friendly and supportive! My thoughts and prayers are with all of you and I hope all of your relationships result in happily-ever-afters.

 

[happilyeverafter]

I know i''ve come into the conversation late but i wanted to put my 2 cents in... sometimes relationships need a break for the people (usually the guy) to realize what they had. And if the break turns out to be permanent then it wasn''t really meant to be. A break would be a great time to focus on YOU and not worry about him.

I only say this because my FF and I had to take a break (initiated by him) before we got to where we are now (proposal days away, yipee). Our relationship is better than ever and we BOTH benefited GREATLY from the break - it was the best thing we could have done. Mind you, it was a year long break, but my BF had to go from being completely opposed to marriage and kids to wanting them more than ever, and wanting them soon, which he did.

Chin up, and take care of yourself first and foremost! Everything happens for a reason, and will turn out the way it''s supposed to

 

[mimzy]

i''m glad you''re feeling better! and great idea! (when i was first going through this i did the same thing - only it was belly dancing lessons!) good luck

 

[DMBsGirl]

Date: 8/10/2007 11:46:31 PM
Author: LazyDaisy
Thanks DMB! I really appreciate your input. Gosh, was it hard for you to wait so long? I mean, when you were 25 and you (probably) saw practically everyone you knew who was in a relationship getting engaged, did you have doubts? How did you handle it? Even though I know in my head it shouldn't, it's really been affecting my self-esteem. Especially all the questions from other people... in particular those who asked a year ago and I said 'soon' who are now asking 'when?' and I have to answer for the delay. How did you handle public scrutiny?

Well, at 25 I wasn't really ready for an engagement either. I was in my final year of grad school and still dependent on my parents. As far as friends are concerned, most of my friends got engaged/married closer to 26/27. I haven't really wanted to get engaged until about a year ago. It's been tough, but I know the reasons why he hasn't which make everything a little better. He wanted to be secure financially and own property. He owns the apartment we now live in. After the apartment was taken care of, he needed time to save up for the ring. I have a timeline of sometime this year, so I know i won't be waiting longer than four months at this point. I think what makes your situation especially tough is that he is not telling you when he might be ready. You could be waiting 2 months or two years. The not knowing is the worst part. As far as other people asking you, it sucks but you can use the same line with everyone "We've realized we're still so young and there's no need to rush." It will get people to back off, if you tell them the truth they'll start putting their 2 cents in and trying to be relationship counselors. You don't need that, it will get annoying.
You're in a tough spot, either you wait for this guy to be ready or you move on. Only you know what is right for you, make a pros and cons list, one for leaving him and one for staying, and then figure out which one you can live with. Best of luck to you!

ETA: woops, just noticed your recent post. I think what you're doing is great! Distraction will make the unbearable wait go by much faster!

 

[janinegirly]

hi there,

you''ve already gotten some great advice here. i would say just be sure to speak up and look out for yourself too. it''s one thing that your bf sayd he doesn''t like being pressured with timelines and can''t predict when he''ll be "ready", but what about you? it''s a lot to be told things would be around the corner, then have nothing happen, and then be expected to wait indefinitely.

it does come down to you..you''re still very young, so it''s not like you''re runnign out of time, but the fact is that every girl knows inside, when her limit is. many girls just ignore it and keep waiting, but be sure to be true to yourself! it sounds like you''re ready (esepcially since you''re both waiting to marriage to live/sleep together)--so tell him your side too. has he explained why the long wait after going full speed ahead? i think it''s good to get to the bottom of it. i think waiting till yearend and then reassessing is fair..