Wedding Need tips for growing a backbone

[Shoopy]

My FI and I have been talking about this wedding for three months now and we’ve finally decided that if it’s going to happen, then we need to keep it at a maximum of 75 guests. We would love, love, love it if we can keep it to 50 guests and if the 30% rule applies then we may just be able to end up with only 50 guests.

That said, going from a guest list of 175 to 75 is going to mean pissing off a lot of people. It’s not that I’m a people pleaser (ok maybe

), I just don’t like hurting people’s feelings. Cutting off 100 people means that I am going to have to be very judgmental when sending out the invites (i.e. only inviting 5 cousins out of a list of 40) which of course will offend people even more. I’m not doing this to be mean or to say “I like her better than you” I just can’t afford it. We’re paying for the wedding ourselves and we can’t do 175.

So how do I grow the backbone to say sorry but we just can’t? And how do I deal with all of the criticism that will follow?

And while you’re in a “giving advice” mood

, how do I get over it myself? There are some people that I would love to invite such as family friends but we just can’t and that’s a tad heartbreaking for me

.

FYI: you may be wondering why there is a lot of “I” instead of “we.” My fiance has a guest list of 25 including himself, his entire family, three of his best friends, and dates for everyone so his list isn’t the problem and we’re not cutting anyone off of his list.

 

[CJ2008]

Hey Fiery...

You can't really grow a backbone...

You just have to decide that you need to make these tough decisions and that there isn't any other choice, and know that in your heart, you would really invite everyone if you could.

One way that my DH and I handled the anxiety was by being proactive. He called a few of the most important people he wasn't inviting and explained to them that as much as we'll miss them, we just had to keep the guest list very small and we weren't going to be able to invite them.

I did the same with one of my friends. It wasn't easy, but I lived through it. He seemed quite annoyed about it, even though he was trying to hide it, but I didn't let it get to me too much. I think people need to be understanding.

 

[honey22]

Awwww, this part of wedding planning so sucks. We decided to semi-elope (immediate family and 3 or 4 close couples). To avoid any unpleasantness and hurt feelings from the friends that don''t fall into those few couples invited, we have told everyone we are taking immediate family only and hope no-one asks too many questions. I mean, it should be obvious to them that we have picked our nearest and dearest friends, and if you don''t fall on that list, don''t bring it up. It''s just going to hurt people''s feelings if they ask, why wasn''t I invited, and I am forced to say, well, we only invited our closest friends. Yes, we feel a bit bad for those friends that are not coming, but we feel that if they don''t understand, then they are not our real friends, and therefore don''t qualify to be on the nearest and dearest list.

When it comes down to it, this is your big day and you can''t have everyone you want to be there. If they truly care about you, then they will understand the need to keep the numbers down.

Can you have maybe a BBQ or some other informal party to celebrate with those that don''t make the list? Maybe say a few words that you feel sad that you can''t invite everyone, but explain how important it is to share your wedding celebrations with your friends?

Good luck!

 

[gtn]

Date: 8/7/2008 5:18:14 PM
Author: honey22
Awwww, this part of wedding planning so sucks. We decided to semi-elope (immediate family and 3 or 4 close couples). To avoid any unpleasantness and hurt feelings from the friends that don''t fall into those few couples invited, we have told everyone we are taking immediate family only and hope no-one asks too many questions. I mean, it should be obvious to them that we have picked our nearest and dearest friends, and if you don''t fall on that list, don''t bring it up. It''s just going to hurt people''s feelings if they ask, why wasn''t I invited, and I am forced to say, well, we only invited our closest friends. Yes, we feel a bit bad for those friends that are not coming, but we feel that if they don''t understand, then they are not our real friends, and therefore don''t qualify to be on the nearest and dearest list.


When it comes down to it, this is your big day and you can''t have everyone you want to be there. If they truly care about you, then they will understand the need to keep the numbers down.


Can you have maybe a BBQ or some other informal party to celebrate with those that don''t make the list? Maybe say a few words that you feel sad that you can''t invite everyone, but explain how important it is to share your wedding celebrations with your friends?


Good luck!

My friends did this. They had a wedding with just close family and friends and had a bbq later. If you explain to people that you would love to invite them, but can''t, most people understand.

 

[Shoopy]

I am glad you mentioned the bbq thing because now that you say it, it''s a consideration. I live in Miami but my family lives in Orlando. I could probably do a nice bbq with the Orlando family after we get back from the honeymoon or something. That''s definitely a consideration.

 

[rubybeth]

Date: 8/7/2008 5:10:20 PM
Author:fieryred33143
So how do I grow the backbone to say sorry but we just can’t? And how do I deal with all of the criticism that will follow?

And while you’re in a “giving advice” mood

, how do I get over it myself? There are some people that I would love to invite such as family friends but we just can’t and that’s a tad heartbreaking for me

.

My wedding of 48 guests plus us is happening tomorrow, and I''ve just got to say that it''s really nice knowing that the guest list is small, since it''s much less of a production all around. It''s just been wonderful only having to make 50 place cards instead of 250, and box up 100 chocolates instead of 500. It''s been a lot more peaceful than crazy.

And, there are very few family members who have outrightly told me they are ''upset.'' Other family have been supportive of the smallness, and they have helped spread the word that it''s just immediate family plus the cousins who are in the wedding--and I''m really using those cousins! Some are reading, others are doing music, others are being ushers, etc. I figure it''s a good excuse to have it be so small.

Exponentially, the workload and the costs just dramatically decrease with a small wedding, and you can still have a very elegant affair/party/celebration. I think, all told, ours will be less than $5K (in Minnesota), and that includes my $170 dress.

Honestly, don''t feel bad, feel excited that it will be kept to closest family/friends only! You''ll feel more like yourself on the day, and just handle the criticism by saying that you''re paying for it yourselves and this is what you can afford and that you''re happy with it. Invite those that you would be heartbroken not to have, but don''t expect to invite 75 and have only 50 show up--we only had 2 declines and had time to replace them with other guests. If you appear unhappy, people will doubt you, and you SHOULD be happy! You''re getting married to a man you love!

 

[FrekeChild]

Ooo....I'm not even engaged and dealing with it....I actually started to broach the subject with one of FF's friends (she and I are friends now, but FF was her friend for a couple of years before he and I even met) mentioning that we were thinking about getting married in Vegas TO KEEP THE GUEST LIST DOWN. And how I didn't even want my brothers and their families there (total ppl count with them alone-2 bros, 2 wives, 7 kids), and that we wanted to keep it to less than 20. She not only automatically assumed she would be invited, but also that she'd be a bridesmaid.

I already know that some of my friends are going to get feelings hurt and my family as well. But I've already resolved myself to the fact that there are just some people I HAVE to have there, and if you aren't one of those people, too bad. That means you aren't our immediate family or a really close friend.

I don't think that it's so much growing a backbone as it is have some resolve. There are tons of people I'd invite if I could-but money is an issue. If I were getting married here, and having a cake reception-I'd invited everyone I could. So...I think you should try and make that clear if anyone gives you grief.

ETA: It helps that my parents had a wedding of ten people-including them and the officiant (my uncle) and my mom's friend-the owner of the house they got married in. So my mom will totally go to bat for me over this one. Do you have anyone like that in your family?

 

[CJ2008]

Date: 8/7/2008 5:56:22 PM
Author: FrekeChild
Ooo....I''m not even engaged and dealing with it....I actually started to broach the subject with one of FF''s friends (she and I are friends now, but FF was her friend for a couple of years before he and I even met) mentioning that we were thinking about getting married in Vegas TO KEEP THE GUEST LIST DOWN. And how I didn''t even want my brothers and their families there (total ppl count with them alone-2 bros, 2 wives, 7 kids), and that we wanted to keep it to less than 20. She not only automatically assumed she would be invited, but also that she''d be a bridesmaid.

I already know that some of my friends are going to get feelings hurt and my family as well. But I''ve already resolved myself to the fact that there are just some people I HAVE to have there, and if you aren''t one of those people, too bad. That means you aren''t our immediate family or a really close friend.

I don''t think that it''s so much growing a backbone as it is have some resolve. There are tons of people I''d invite if I could-but money is an issue. If I were getting married here, and having a cake reception-I''d invited everyone I could. So...I think you should try and make that clear if anyone gives you grief.

ETA: It helps that my parents had a wedding of ten people-including them and the officiant (my uncle) and my mom''s friend-the owner of the house they got married in. So my mom will totally go to bat for me over this one. Do you have anyone like that in your family?

Don''t you just love when people invite themselves?

(end mini-thread jack)

 

[violet02]

I went from 125 to 70... i actually invited 104 people though but I think we''re going to have close to 80. Over half of the guest list is mine but my FI isn''t too far behind.

I just told people that we were obligated to invite family first and we had a limit of what we can afford. Most people were very understanding. Maybe we got lucky though we have so many different groups of friends that the people we didn''t invite probably won''t hear about it from people they know.

My planner said think of it in terms of money too, every 10 people = 1000 bucks or something like that. Ouch. Seriously though, the venue we picked also had a cap of 100 people so that helped us pare it down as well. The people that really really count will be there at least. I also tried to think of it in terms of who I keep in touch with most. Like I''d love to have invited my best friend from 1st grade but a) she''s across the country and b) we haven''t seen each other in a LOT of years. So I invited the people I spend the most time with that meant the most... other people understand.

Cutting out kids helps too (except the ring bearer and flower girl) but we''re lucky in that sense. We just didn''t invite too many extended family and most with a lot of kids won''t fly across country anyways... too pricey.

 

[violet02]

Date: 8/7/2008 6:07:41 PM
Author: claudinam

Date: 8/7/2008 5:56:22 PM
Author: FrekeChild
Ooo....I''m not even engaged and dealing with it....I actually started to broach the subject with one of FF''s friends (she and I are friends now, but FF was her friend for a couple of years before he and I even met) mentioning that we were thinking about getting married in Vegas TO KEEP THE GUEST LIST DOWN. And how I didn''t even want my brothers and their families there (total ppl count with them alone-2 bros, 2 wives, 7 kids), and that we wanted to keep it to less than 20. She not only automatically assumed she would be invited, but also that she''d be a bridesmaid.

I already know that some of my friends are going to get feelings hurt and my family as well. But I''ve already resolved myself to the fact that there are just some people I HAVE to have there, and if you aren''t one of those people, too bad. That means you aren''t our immediate family or a really close friend.

I don''t think that it''s so much growing a backbone as it is have some resolve. There are tons of people I''d invite if I could-but money is an issue. If I were getting married here, and having a cake reception-I''d invited everyone I could. So...I think you should try and make that clear if anyone gives you grief.

ETA: It helps that my parents had a wedding of ten people-including them and the officiant (my uncle) and my mom''s friend-the owner of the house they got married in. So my mom will totally go to bat for me over this one. Do you have anyone like that in your family?

Don''t you just love when people invite themselves?

(end mini-thread jack)

Ditto to that one! I just had that happen with two guests bringing dates when there was no ''and guest'' and one friend assuming she had to be a bridesmaid (she''s two states away!).

Sorry for the continuing thread jack!

 

[Pandora II]

My brother has a max no. of 70 as that''s all the venue takes. He gets married next May.

To keep numbers down, he''s inviting immediate family, uncles/aunts and grandparents and his and his FI''s friends.

I have loads of cousins, but they''re all fine with it - and since they''ve all seen each other at my wedding, and my mothers side saw each other at my cousin''s wedding as well, they don''t need to come for ''family'' reasons.

Frankly, if it was me, after my darling aunt''s bitchy comments at my wedding I''d scrap the uncles & aunts as well!

He just told everyone straight what the deal was as soon as they set the date. Everyone has been fine about it.

 

[diamondfan]

weddings are tough. and no matter how you slice it, there are hurt feelings and stuff, especially surrounding invite lists and such. I hate to tell you this, but there is really nothing you can do. If you truly cannot afford it, it is what it is, but people are going to be upset and frankly you cannot likely make it better. I personally would think you do like someone else better, if I were a relative not invited, because you are basing your selection criteria on SOMETHING tangible, I assume you are not inviting people you do not like, right? I think you have made a choice based on a need and you simply have to be prepared for some fallout based upon that decision. I am not saying your decision is wrong, or that you should not make it, it is very valid and you have to do what works for you. But you cannot control how others will feel about it, so just be prepared that there might be some people who get their panties in a bunch over it and confront you. All you can do is be honest, and tell them the truth about your decision. You cannot make all people happy and a decision like that that is going to exclude some people who really want to attend your wedding IS going to cause some issues.

 

[honey22]

Date: 8/7/2008 5:56:22 PM
Author: FrekeChild
Ooo....I''m not even engaged and dealing with it....I actually started to broach the subject with one of FF''s friends (she and I are friends now, but FF was her friend for a couple of years before he and I even met) mentioning that we were thinking about getting married in Vegas TO KEEP THE GUEST LIST DOWN. And how I didn''t even want my brothers and their families there (total ppl count with them alone-2 bros, 2 wives, 7 kids), and that we wanted to keep it to less than 20. She not only automatically assumed she would be invited, but also that she''d be a bridesmaid.

I already know that some of my friends are going to get feelings hurt and my family as well. But I''ve already resolved myself to the fact that there are just some people I HAVE to have there, and if you aren''t one of those people, too bad. That means you aren''t our immediate family or a really close friend.

I don''t think that it''s so much growing a backbone as it is have some resolve. There are tons of people I''d invite if I could-but money is an issue. If I were getting married here, and having a cake reception-I''d invited everyone I could. So...I think you should try and make that clear if anyone gives you grief.

ETA: It helps that my parents had a wedding of ten people-including them and the officiant (my uncle) and my mom''s friend-the owner of the house they got married in. So my mom will totally go to bat for me over this one. Do you have anyone like that in your family?

RESOLVE in an excellent word! I keep thinking to myself that I will be strong. I even say outloud, this will not get out of control!! People at work laugh at me and tell me that the budget will double (ok, may be onto something there) and how it will get crazy and a whole lot of people will end up coming. There is no way!! I have RESOLVE!!

 

[Shoopy]

Date: 8/7/2008 5:56:22 PM
Author: FrekeChild
Ooo....I''m not even engaged and dealing with it....I actually started to broach the subject with one of FF''s friends (she and I are friends now, but FF was her friend for a couple of years before he and I even met) mentioning that we were thinking about getting married in Vegas TO KEEP THE GUEST LIST DOWN. And how I didn''t even want my brothers and their families there (total ppl count with them alone-2 bros, 2 wives, 7 kids), and that we wanted to keep it to less than 20. She not only automatically assumed she would be invited, but also that she''d be a bridesmaid.

I already know that some of my friends are going to get feelings hurt and my family as well. But I''ve already resolved myself to the fact that there are just some people I HAVE to have there, and if you aren''t one of those people, too bad. That means you aren''t our immediate family or a really close friend.

I don''t think that it''s so much growing a backbone as it is have some resolve. There are tons of people I''d invite if I could-but money is an issue. If I were getting married here, and having a cake reception-I''d invited everyone I could. So...I think you should try and make that clear if anyone gives you grief.

ETA: It helps that my parents had a wedding of ten people-including them and the officiant (my uncle) and my mom''s friend-the owner of the house they got married in. So my mom will totally go to bat for me over this one. Do you have anyone like that in your family?

I thought my mom would be one of those people (like your mom) but surprisingly, she''s telling me to invite everyone.

I have some people that are just like your friend. A cousin''s comment was "can''t wait for the wedding" and a friend''s "I''m invited, right?" Every time someone mentions it, I just sort of change the subject. I say, we haven''t talked about the wedding yet and move on. But truth is we keep going over everything.

Last night my FI and I worked on the list. We had already cut it down from 175 to 124 and last night we eliminated 21 more (OOT cousins

). We decided that we will invite family first and go from there. All of our friends are in town with the exception of one of mine that lives in Atlanta. I know that if I call her the night before, she''ll say "ok I''m jumping on the red eye" because she''s awesome like that. So, the first batch will be about 84. Depending on what we get back, we''ll move forward with friends (11), some of my close coworkers (16), and some other friends that I forgot to add to the list (6). The coworkers most likely won''t make the list and they''re pretty much at the bottom...but luckily I can invite them 1 to 2 months in advance without any problem.

Here''s to planning

 

[CJ2008]

Date: 8/8/2008 2:39:07 AM
Author: honey22

Date: 8/7/2008 5:56:22 PM
Author: FrekeChild
Ooo....I''m not even engaged and dealing with it....I actually started to broach the subject with one of FF''s friends (she and I are friends now, but FF was her friend for a couple of years before he and I even met) mentioning that we were thinking about getting married in Vegas TO KEEP THE GUEST LIST DOWN. And how I didn''t even want my brothers and their families there (total ppl count with them alone-2 bros, 2 wives, 7 kids), and that we wanted to keep it to less than 20. She not only automatically assumed she would be invited, but also that she''d be a bridesmaid.

I already know that some of my friends are going to get feelings hurt and my family as well. But I''ve already resolved myself to the fact that there are just some people I HAVE to have there, and if you aren''t one of those people, too bad. That means you aren''t our immediate family or a really close friend.

I don''t think that it''s so much growing a backbone as it is have some resolve. There are tons of people I''d invite if I could-but money is an issue. If I were getting married here, and having a cake reception-I''d invited everyone I could. So...I think you should try and make that clear if anyone gives you grief.

ETA: It helps that my parents had a wedding of ten people-including them and the officiant (my uncle) and my mom''s friend-the owner of the house they got married in. So my mom will totally go to bat for me over this one. Do you have anyone like that in your family?

RESOLVE in an excellent word! I keep thinking to myself that I will be strong. I even say outloud, this will not get out of control!! People at work laugh at me and tell me that the budget will double (ok, may be onto something there) and how it will get crazy and a whole lot of people will end up coming. There is no way!! I have RESOLVE!!

Yes! That''s the word I was going for!

 

[KimberlyH]

There are over 125 people in my family (parents, sibling, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and their children), my husband''s mother was the only person in his family to be invited (he probably has cousins on his dads'' side but he doesn''t know that side of his family at all, his dad and his moms'' siblings, who were never married, were all deceased), you can imagine how odd that might have been, so we invited his mom and closest friends, my parents, sister and her family, and all of my aunts and uncles. My guest list was still twice as long as his and my closest friends live on the other side of the state, which meant complicated travel plans and a few other issues, so they were not invited. I found it was important to have a cut off point (i.e. no cousins) as opposed to randomly selecting who was invited, it removed the possibility "But cousin J and family are here and my children didn''t recieve an invite. Why is that?" And when people asked we simply stated we wanted to have a small wedding. No one made a fuss, including my friends. I''m sure they would have preferred to be invited, but it didn''t cause any rifts in our friendships/relationships.

My sister had a very small wedding (in a hotel room with 5 guests) and then had a backyard BBQ a few weeks later to celebrate with extended family and friends. It was a great solution to his wanting a private wedding and her wanting a big party, and it was much less expensive than a reception would have been.

In short, you just have to draw a line and be ready to face some hurt feelings. Remember, if people get upset it''s because they love you and want to support you and celebrate with you and your husband-to-be on a very special day; and it''s okay that you can''t accomodate them.

As for "getting over yourself", it was hard that I couldn''t invite my friends, because I love them, but it simply wouldn''t have worked if they had wanted to come for several reasons. So I just decided not to be bothered by it and on we went. Every time the feelings of upset came up, which really wasn''t often at all, I reminded myself why they weren''t coming, that my reasons were valid and sensible, and then I was okay again. But if you think it will really bother you I''d suggest looking into alternatives to a formal reception.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Weddings are expensive, and most people really understand this fact. Gone are the days of a cake and punch reception in the church basement. People are spending the max now...whatever their personal max is.

You''re between a rock and hard place. First of all, you need to know, some people will be hurt or offended or put off. Clearly that is not your intention, and its sad but true that people -- esspecially family -- will probably take this as a personal afront. Since money doesnt grow on trees, if you cannot afford it, you cannot afford it...period. Don''t allow yourself to guilt over things you cannot control. On the flip side, some people (hopefully most people) will understand and will wish you well

Here is how I would handle it....

I would invite only CLOSE family and CLOSE friends. Intimate weddings are perfectly okay...and drawing the line at immediate family and life long friends makes it a built in excuse ... "we were so torn ... but in the end, we decided that we wanted something private and intimate with just the closest of close people"

Secondly, I would make sure to host a big BBQ or post-honeymoon reception with pasta (think cheap). This is a cost effective, fun and easy way to happily announce your marriage and share in your joy with those that "didn''t make the cut". You could play a video of your vows for people to see---and make it a sort of movies in the park theme. And you could be really silly about it...do cute invites with a fun little poem about how you missed them at the wedding, and want to celebrate in their company...

Lastly, this is your wedding. You can do what you want. Just dont allow yourself to get bogged down with undo stress.

 

[appletini]

Good Luck! First off just tell people that y''all are having a very small wedding, in most cases they will understsand. In regards to family, invites...are you close with your cousins? I''m closer with aunts and uncles than I am cousins, so we did not invite any cousins, just aunts/uncles, grandparents in term of family, and then of course close friends.