Need some perspective...dieting friend at a dinner party

[junebug17]

The food isn't an afterthought to the hostess. She has put a lot of time and effort into the meal and I think her feelings count. A good friend of mine invited me over for dinner last month, and I would never have dreamed of sitting there and not eating a meal she put time and energy to prepare. My husband goes to China and Japan on business and is a picky eater, but he will choke down a little of the food he can't even identify so as not to offend his host. I would think the same courtesy could be extended to a friend.

Honestly, if I was on that strict a diet, or really picky, or had a lot of dietary restrictions, I think I would just pass on the dinner invite.

eta: I never really answered the original question: No, I wouldn't change the menu to accommodate a particular person. (except for food allergies)

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 5/11/2010 3:07:25 PM
Author: junebug17
The food isn't an afterthought to the hostess. She has put a lot of time and effort into the meal and I think her feelings count. A good friend of mine invited me over for dinner last month, and I would never have dreamed of sitting there and not eating a meal she put time and energy to prepare. My husband goes to China and Japan on business and is a picky eater, but he will choke down a little of the food he can't even identify so as not to offend his host. I would think the same courtesy could be extended to a friend.

Honestly, if I was on that strict a diet, or really picky, or had a lot of dietary restrictions, I think I would just pass on the dinner invite.

I assume you are referring to my comment given the comment on the use of "afterthought". I did not say it was an afterthought for the hostess. What I said was it was for me as for ME the dinner party is about the people. I don't care if they are serving Twinkies and Coke and pickles. I am there to enjoy the company. Even if I do not eat Twinkies and Coke. I may however eat the pickles that were lovingly assembled on the plate. I don't think I am wrong to personally value the company over the food...even if for others it may be the reverse or equal in value. That is what works for me and what matters for me.

And, for some hostesses....the food is not the primary concern either. As a hostess myself on many occasions for many dinner parties over the years...I do not take it personally if someone chooses not to eat something I have prepared, even if it has taken me all day to prepare it. Whether their choice is due to diet, or the fact they don't like onions, or anything else. That is THEIR choice. It is their body! I do not expect guests to be responsible for *my* feelings that I may associate with the food I have prepared.

After all, what about the guest's feelings about eating it? Do the hostess's feelings have priority over the guest's feelings as she prepared the meal? Or cannot both parties own their own feelings and accept that the other can own theirs even if it means they end up in different places?

Somehow I doubt Sabine's guest sat there thinking..."ha, if I only eat the salad without dressing...I will really drive a knife in Sabine's back!".

Fair enough if that is what you would do, or what your husband would do. That seems to work for you two. It does not mean everyone needs to do it that way or it someone is discourteous not to do it that way.

The OP knew the woman was on a diet when she invited her and when the woman accepted the invite. When I was a vegetarian should I have just locked myself up in my house for ten years as there would be little for me to eat (aside from vegetables) at dinner parties? People knew I was vegetarian most of the time, and invited me anyway, and I just ate what I could (i.e. salad) and bypassed the bacon wrapped beef. I would find it quite sad to expect people to stay at home just because their food preferences are different than yours. I am not going to eat something I do not want to eat. No matter how much time and effort was put into it. And it is not like she did not eat anything that was prepared - she ate the salad which I am sure was prepared!

ETA: I think I am a bit sensitive on this as there were many years as a vegetarian where I practically had meat stuffed down my throat under the encouragement that I should do so to be "considerate" or because my own dietary practices were to them bizarre. On the other hand, not once did I ever criticize or comment on anyone's choice to eat meat. It was their body, and their choice to make. I do now eat meat again, but I have never understood the bizarre obsession others had over MY food choices and what I should be eating (or not eating). I find it just odd to impose what other people should put in their body so much. Whether it is at a dinner party or anywhere else.

 

[junebug17]

Date: 5/11/2010 3:13:33 PM
Author: RaiKai

Date: 5/11/2010 3:07:25 PM

Author: junebug17

The food isn''t an afterthought to the hostess. She has put a lot of time and effort into the meal and I think her feelings count. A good friend of mine invited me over for dinner last month, and I would never have dreamed of sitting there and not eating a meal she put time and energy to prepare. My husband goes to China and Japan on business and is a picky eater, but he will choke down a little of the food he can''t even identify so as not to offend his host. I would think the same courtesy could be extended to a friend.


Honestly, if I was on that strict a diet, or really picky, or had a lot of dietary restrictions, I think I would just pass on the dinner invite.

I assume you are referring to my comment given the comment on the use of ''afterthought''. I did not say it was an afterthought for the hostess. What I said was it was for me as for ME the dinner party is about the people. I don''t care if they are serving Twinkies and Coke and pickles. I am there to enjoy the company. Even if I do not eat Twinkies and Coke. I may however eat the pickles that were lovingly assembled on the plate. I don''t think I am wrong to personally value the company over the food...even if for others it may be the reverse or equal in value. That is what works for me and what matters for me.


And, for some hostesses....the food is not the primary concern either. As a hostess myself on many occasions for many dinner parties over the years...I do not take it personally if someone chooses not to eat something I have prepared, even if it has taken me all day to prepare it. Whether their choice is due to diet, or the fact they don''t like onions, or anything else. That is THEIR choice. It is their body! I do not expect guests to be responsible for *my* feelings that I may associate with the food I have prepared.


After all, what about the guest''s feelings about eating it? Do the hostess''s feelings have priority over the guest''s feelings as she prepared the meal? Or cannot both parties own their own feelings and accept that the other can own theirs even if it means they end up in different places?


Somehow I doubt Sabine''s guest sat there thinking...''ha, if I only eat the salad without dressing...I will really drive a knife in Sabine''s back!''.


Fair enough if that is what you would do, or what your husband would do. That seems to work for you two. It does not mean everyone needs to do it that way or it someone is discourteous not to do it that way.


The OP knew the woman was on a diet when she invited her and when the woman accepted the invite. When I was a vegetarian should I have just locked myself up in my house for ten years as there would be little for me to eat (aside from vegetables) at dinner parties? People knew I was vegetarian most of the time, and invited me anyway, and I just ate what I could (i.e. salad) and bypassed the bacon wrapped beef. I am not going to eat something I do not want to eat. No matter how much time and effort was put into it. And it is not like she did not eat anything that was prepared - she ate the salad which I am sure was prepared!

RaiKai, I was just offering my opinion of the situation, to which I am entitled. As you are entitled to yours. Not once in my post did I say everyone should feel the way I do, or do things my way. Not sure why you felt the need to say that to me. Aren''t we all just offering opinions here? Sorry if mine rubbed you the wrong way. And I still stand by my original statement: I feel that in most situations, the hostess cares about the meal she serves, and would like people to enjoy it, if at all possible. Obviously, there are exceptions such as being a vegetarian, or food allergies. It''s fine if you disagree with me, but I can still have my own opinion on the topic.

 

[jaysonsmom]

I''m kind of late getting in on this, but I''m usually the accomodating type of hostess, especially if it''s a a sit-down dinner with a few close friends. In December I had my 2 best friends (and all their kids) over for a holiday get together. I made a regular meaty hearty lasagna to feed the majority of us, and I called my dieting friend to see what she was eating (or not) and I made her her own special lasagna using spinach, mushrooms and white meat chicken, all nonfat or low fat cheeses.

She also brought her own appetizers (veggies and hummus) so that she would not be tempted by all the other fingerfoods I had made for the kids. I believe in making exceptions for a small dinner party. If it were say my kids'' joint birthday party where there are over 40 kids and adults, I probably wouldn''t be as accomodating, and I''m sure under those circumstances my friends with special diets would also understand that their special dietary needs cannot be met because the focus is a mass celebration vs a small imtimate dinner for them.

I have also made special vegetarian meals for a couple of my vegetarian friends, or some seafood meals for my non-red meat eating friends.....

 

[galeteia]

Date: 5/11/2010 11:13:04 AM
Author: elrohwen
It's one thing to only eat the things you're not allergic to, or limit your calorie intake, but eating only a few bites of lettuce? That's just odd. Why would you accept a *dinner* invitation if you can't eat anything?

I have a ton of food allergies and I have learned to eat before I go. It's not my place to bombard the host with a list of my restrictions, and in cases where it would be awkward for SO to go without his +1 (implying that I did not support him like the other spouses do) he just lets them know that I have odd food restrictions and as long as they'll have salad, I'll be fine.

Also, as long as she wasn't drawing attention to herself over not eating (you know the type) it's not rude to eat lightly at a dinner party. It's a dinner PARTY, and people are there to socialize. Do hosts expect to be a sort of soup kitchen, where people show up only to eat food for free? I hope not! If I go to the work of hosting a dinner party, I expect guests to bring something, whether it's a dish, wine, a little gift, entertainment, whatever. Every dinner party I have ever hosted or been to (and there was a period in my life where this was a weekly tradition) had this expectation, and people certainly didn't gorge and then flee. They stayed for hours and chatted, drinking wine, coffee, or tea.

It's common for people with special dietary needs to eat beforehand to avoid burdening their host. What if a person's stomach felt off for the night? Should the host feel offended that their company was not enough to draw their guest to socialize even if they weren't in shape to eat?

OP, I don't think you were wrong in finding it weird, as it seems like a classic sign of unhealthy eating, but you needn't feel offended.

 

[PumpkinPie]

I don''t think it was rude - she didn''t complain or expect any special considerations - she was simply sticking to her plan. In my opinion, whether you agree or disagree with her eating plan/diet is irrelevent. I''m not sure that I would have made anything special for her, but I may have. At least, she had salad to eat so she could feel as though she was part of the party.

 

[Sabine]

Date: 5/11/2010 12:15:14 PM
Author: icekid

Date: 5/10/2010 9:02:53 PM

Author: Haven

I don''t think you were rude to serve what you originally planned to serve. I do think it was rude to scrutinize what she ate and to discuss it with another friend after she left, though.

Ditto above the always eloquent Haven. Why are her eating habits insane because they are different from yours? As a health-nut, I am kind of offended myself!


I''m rather picky about what I choose to put in my body. Likely, were I your guest, I would have done the same as she did! I don''t particularly care for pasta anyway, so can''t see making a diet ''exception'' to my no white flour rule for something that does not appeal to me anyway. Maybe my friends talk about my somewhat over the top healthy eating habits, but I''m the only one who has to live in my body!

Icekid, there''s more to the story than I posted about, but I do know for a fact that this girl limits her caloric intake to an unhealthy number (she brags about how little she eats and how much she works out on fb), and I know her through my mommy''s group, and I disagree with a number of her parenting choices, especially her decisions to put her dieting and workout goals ahead of her care for her son. I know it''s her personal choice, and I agree we have to take care of ourselves so that we CAN take care of her LO''s, but her choices actually lead me to worry about her ds at times.

I think if she chose to just eat salad and actually ate a bowl of salad (dressing or no), I wouldn''t have thought twice, but she literally ate 2 bites. She also made a show of taking a serving of the dessert another guest made, but then switched her plate with her dh''s after he finished so his empty plate was in front of her and he ate her helping as well.

Either way, after reading all the responses I do see that what she chooses to eat is her choice, yet I''m still glad that this girl isn''t going to be a long-term player in my life because we just differ to greatly on many things.

And finally, no worries to anyone who made comments about me judging her...I have thick skin and we all have our vices, and I know my buddies here will forgive my occasional one, especially if my admitting to it will garner some more discussion!

 

[Cehrabehra]

I''m really shocked that people have suggested that someone turn down an opportunity to spend time with friends over food issues. Food is getting way too much importance here.

 

[Cehrabehra]

RaiKai - I'm with you - I have never even thought about this stuff before! I cook for people and they eat what they want and it has never crossed my mind to scrutinize it let alone judge it or decide they shouldn't have come at all!

ETA - this isn't directed to the OP... there have been other perspectives shared here that I just cannot embrace.

 

[Cehrabehra]

I have one more thing to say lol

Why did you invite her? I am betting if one of your real friends skipped eating you''d be more concerned than annoyed... my guess is that what bothered you more than anything is the fact that she was present - not what she did lol If she''s temporary - no reason not to cut her now. If you share friends, let THEM host her - why did you feel you had to invite her?