Need some advice on FIL situation

[Treasure43]

So here''s the situation, FF''s parents have invited us, along with his sister and her husband to the beach with them in August. It''s a free trip to the beach and we made it clear that we really want to go but we cannot 100% commit to it right now. I am a teacher who currently has a position for next year but is still looking for a position in a different school. If I get hired during the summer it''s possible I may need to attend training when the vacation is scheduled. It''s also close to when my current school would start up and things might be required of me at that time. Everything''s so up in the air. Anyway, today, FF''s mother tells him that his father has said that if either he or I cannot come to the beach no one is going. So even if FF were to go without me, no one would be able to go. I''m not quite sure what to do and am frustrated with the situation because I feel like I''m potentially ruining everyone''s vacation since the trip needs to be booked ASAP. His parents apparently think we don''t want to go because they won''t let us sleep together (and though it''s not my ideal situation I respect that) though he has made it clear that this is not the case. Any thoughts??

 

[jaylex]

Date: 6/15/2009 10:40:17 PM
Author:Treasure43
So here''s the situation, FF''s parents have invited us, along with his sister and her husband to the beach with them in August. It''s a free trip to the beach and we made it clear that we really want to go but we cannot 100% commit to it right now. I am a teacher who currently has a position for next year but is still looking for a position in a different school. If I get hired during the summer it''s possible I may need to attend training when the vacation is scheduled. It''s also close to when my current school would start up and things might be required of me at that time. Everything''s so up in the air. Anyway, today, FF''s mother tells him that his father has said that if either he or I cannot come to the beach no one is going. So even if FF were to go without me, no one would be able to go. I''m not quite sure what to do and am frustrated with the situation because I feel like I''m potentially ruining everyone''s vacation since the trip needs to be booked ASAP. His parents apparently think we don''t want to go because they won''t let us sleep together (and though it''s not my ideal situation I respect that) though he has made it clear that this is not the case. Any thoughts??

Wow. I''m sorry that you are in that situation. It sounds like something my bfs rents or mine would do/have done so I can kind of relate.
If you''ve explained it to them, surely they have to understand your work situation? If you HAVE explained it to them, than It sounds to me like they are being insensitive and selfish. I hate it when people use guilt to get what they want from people. Are his parents willing to compromise? How long is the trip, a week? How far away is the beach, a few hours? Is there any way that you can commit to going for at least the first/last three days? Then if a conflict comes up, you may still be able to fit the trip in your schedule?
That''s what bf and I did this weekend. My rents wanted to take the whole family on a 7 day trip to a resort three hours away. We made it clear that we would only be able to stay the first 3 days, as we can''t afford to take off work for a week. My mom threw a b**** fit at first, but when my step sis and step bro told her they would only be able to stay for part of the vacation as well, she came around to the idea.

I''m just wondering, has your FF talked to his sister to let her know that you two aren''t trying to ruin their vacation and that his parents are simply being unreasonable? Maybe explain why you two are still up in the air as to whether you will be able to go or not? I would find it awkward to go to family functions if your FMIL or FFIL tells the whole family that you two are trying to ruin everyone''s good time because you "can''t sleep together". I would tell the other parties involved so that everyone understands your situation.

Sorry if I''m rambling.. lol.

 

[purselover]

Wow no offense to FF''s family but that seems really crazy! If you''ve already explained why you''re unable to 100% commitment I don''t really know what advice to offer, I''m just sorry a fun vacation is turning into a stressful situation.

 

[lucyandroger]

If the trip hasn''t been booked yet, can''t they move it up a week or two so that it won''t coincide with the start of school or training? Have you brought this solution up?

 

[Porridge]

Date: 6/15/2009 10:40:17 PM
Author:Treasure43
I feel like I''m potentially ruining everyone''s vacation since the trip needs to be booked ASAP.

You''re not ruining it. They are. For god''s sake, you can''t commit for reasons out of your control. What do they want you to do?

Anyway, if you really do want to keep the peace and ignore them anyway, go ahead and book it anyway and if you have to cancel closer to the time, so be it. Maybe they won''t be so crazy then if you have a tangible excuse.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

You can and should only worry about yourself...if that means going on a vacation doesn''t work for you this year--then everyone simply has to understand...and if they feel like cancelling the trip altogether is only other solution, then so be it. But you shouldn''t feel guilt over not being able to go--the saying is, we work before we play--and if you need to work, then you cannot play.

I would work really hard on getting your next year laid out so that you can know for sure within the next handful of days whether you can go or not.

 

[Treasure43]

Date: 6/16/2009 10:10:12 AM
Author: Italiahaircolor
You can and should only worry about yourself...if that means going on a vacation doesn''t work for you this year--then everyone simply has to understand...and if they feel like cancelling the trip altogether is only other solution, then so be it. But you shouldn''t feel guilt over not being able to go--the saying is, we work before we play--and if you need to work, then you cannot play.

I would work really hard on getting your next year laid out so that you can know for sure within the next handful of days whether you can go or not.

Thanks to all the responses. I was wondering if I''m a bit sensitive about this issue because it seems manipulative/controlling and due to things in my childhood I have a STRONG abhorrance for feeling controlled or manipulated. As for making sure things will be laid out, there really is NO way I can do that sadly. Oftentimes interviews and jobs are given at the last minute in the teaching world. The current job I have I was hired for the DAY training started. It''s just up to the last minute and is the way it is. There''s just no way to tell and with how miserable I''ve been in my job this year, I want to ENSURE that I"m not that way next year. Even if it means giving up a free vacation.

FF and I talked about it and it brought up another issue that I didn''t realize was one. Last weekend I had report cards to do and had to submit them by Sunday. That Sat. night they had a family dinner and I didn''t attend. It''s probably the ONLY family event of his that I''ve ever been invited to that I didn''t attend. I finished report cards earlier than I anticipated but knew there was a long week ahead and needed some time to myself to relax. FF''s mother made a comment to him how she felt I really didn''t want to be there. I just feel like I do what I can and I feel like there are SO many events to attend that every once and awhile I just need some time to myself. THoughts?

 

[Winks_Elf]

Did or does his mother work outside of the home? Perhaps she does not have a realistic understanding of a teacher''s commitment to her students outside of the classroom, or the work that gets done at home in preparation of the classweek. Whatever the reason, you are an adult. You are not her child. You have a responsibility to your commitment to being a teacher and your students, as well as your fiance. That means you will not always be able to drop what you are doing and join in the family fun gatherings. Perhaps your significant other needs to explain that to his mother, who seems (to me, anyway) to resent your working as hard as you do.

 

[Treasure43]

Date: 6/16/2009 1:17:49 PM
Author: Winks_Elf
Did or does his mother work outside of the home? Perhaps she does not have a realistic understanding of a teacher''s commitment to her students outside of the classroom, or the work that gets done at home in preparation of the classweek. Whatever the reason, you are an adult. You are not her child. You have a responsibility to your commitment to being a teacher and your students, as well as your fiance. That means you will not always be able to drop what you are doing and join in the family fun gatherings. Perhaps your significant other needs to explain that to his mother, who seems (to me, anyway) to resent your working as hard as you do.

The really ironic thing here Winks is that she has worked within the school system (however not as a teacher) for her entire career. I found out today that if I stay at my current school I would have to be back right in the middle of vacation. I could still drive there by myself and drive back but it''s 4 hours each way and seems like a lot of stress.

 

[LilyKat]

You''re not being overly sensitive at all, and yes, they are being controlling and unfair. What they do with their holidays should have nothing to do with their son''s girlfriend. I mean, what would they have done if your FF was single? It''s got nothing to do with you!

I would explain your work situation to them clearly if you haven''t already. If they still pressure you, the answer has to be a firm "Thank you, but no." Your career has to be your priority and it''s as good a time as any to make that known to them.

 

[Treasure43]

I ended up calling FF''s mother today to see when the exact trip dates are because I''ve figured out if I stay at my current school when I would have to be back to school (the other possible schools are still an unknown). Anway, turns out it''s 4 days into the vacation that I''d need to be back and I''d have to come back the day before that. So I''m considering going for three days. FF apparently told her that I didn''t want to come because of the sleeping arrangements, which is not the case. Sure it won''t be the best, but I''m ok with it. I think he knew I wasn''t thrilled with that decision and used that to try and get us out of it. Needless to say, when he comes home we will be having a talk about this haha.

Anyway, then FMIL tells me that she feels like FF and I have been "pulling away" from them. I guess since sometimes we won''t see them for a week or two. They live close by but we''ve both been VERY busy and have a lot going on. Plus, my parents are 9 hours away and I rarely see them. It still makes me sad we''re so far away from my parents but I don''t hold it against his parents. However, I was frustrated to hear her say that she feels like we''re pulling away if we don''t see them every week or two. She also said this vacation was planned (in part) so that his sister could get to know me better. That makes sense and all, but if that was the case, why not make sure that date worked before planning it for that date? At this point, that''s the only date left so moving it to a different day won''t work. I don''t know, I just feel so obligated to go to every single weekly or bi-weekly dinner and I feel like comments are made to make me feel guilty if I miss one here or there.

 

[Indylady]

Oh goodness. She sounds a little bit like she is used to getting her way

Goodness, this is definitely a difficult position for you to be in. I totally understand that she enjoys being close to her family and close to you as well, but she seems like she is one to twist words around, etc. If it were me, I think I would flatly like to clarify the situation, by saying something like, "Wow, I really do appreciate having a FMIL that cares about me and wants to get to know me better; but I''m sure FMIL want''s me to have keep my job in the process, right? We live so close to each other, let''s schedule a time that works for both of us!"

 

[brooklyngirl]

Well, this certainly is a crappy position to be in.

If it wasn't made clear to FILs that you have work obligations, it should be made clear. That said, and no offense intended, but them dictating your sleeping arrangements creeps me out a little bit. It sounds like you and BF are fully functioning adults who live together already, so them thinking about your bedroom activities is a bit unsettling

Once the situation is explained to them, if they continue to guilt you, just decline the invitation. I know it would suck to miss out on a free vacation, but remember there is no such thing as free. You're right if they scheduled this trip because of you, it would have been nice if they checked with you about the dates, instead of causing drama, and making you feel guilty. Which, by the way, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

On the "pulling away" issue, I think BF needs to cut the apron strings and set some BOUNDARIES. You shouldn't be expected to put in "face time" with FILs at a predefined frequency. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You see them when you can, and that's all anyone can reasonably ask for. If they ask for more, they are not being reasonable. In addition BF should stop any comments about your presence there. You have things to do, and cannot make it to dinner every week, and they need to respect that.

 

[princessplease]

I know it''s easier said than done, but don''t feel guilty. If you have work obligations, than many kudos to you for planning that far ahead and considering all of those options. FF''s parents should be completely understanding about that. That being said, not all FIL''s are that understanding. Have you informed them of your intentions for going for a few days then going back to work? That is gracious of you because of the extensive amount of driving it seems like you have to do to get from the vacation spot to your job. And I completely agree with you. If the vacation was to help you and FF''s sister to get to know each other better, than arrangements should''ve been made that don''t interfere with any work responsibilities.
As far as not seeing them all the time, the bottom line is you and FF are grown adults with real world responsibilities. I don''t know if FMIL would respond too well to that from what you said, but you shouldn''t feel guilty about doing what you need to do for you and FF. Maybe FF can talk to his mother and explain to her that while you''re thankful that they want to spend so much time with you guys, there will inevitably be times when you guys can''t make it to their house for dinners and what not.

 

[Treasure43]

Date: 6/16/2009 5:12:08 PM
Author: brooklyngirl
Well, this certainly is a crappy position to be in.

If it wasn''t made clear to FILs that you have work obligations, it should be made clear. That said, and no offense intended, but them dictating your sleeping arrangements creeps me out a little bit. It sounds like you and BF are fully functioning adults who live together already, so them thinking about your bedroom activities is a bit unsettling

Once the situation is explained to them, if they continue to guilt you, just decline the invitation. I know it would suck to miss out on a free vacation, but remember there is no such thing as free. You''re right if they scheduled this trip because of you, it would have been nice if they checked with you about the dates, instead of causing drama, and making you feel guilty. Which, by the way, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

On the ''pulling away'' issue, I think BF needs to cut the apron strings and set some BOUNDARIES. You shouldn''t be expected to put in ''face time'' with FILs at a predefined frequency. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You see them when you can, and that''s all anyone can reasonably ask for. If they ask for more, they are not being reasonable. In addition BF should stop any comments about your presence there. You have things to do, and cannot make it to dinner every week, and they need to respect that.

Thank you ladies for all your continuing advice and support. When FF got home, we had a talk and apparently there was a miscommunication or his mother mistook what was said. He told her that NEITHER of us was thrilled with the sleeping arrangements but he would accept them and would talk to me and see how I felt. Perhaps with that and her feeling like we''re "drifiting away" she came up with what she said. Either that or she lied to me, which I honestly don''t know about.

I agree with the seeing them when we can. We went to dinner and a movie with them two weekends ago, he saw them last weekend ( when I had report cards) and then we had plans this past weekend. I just feel uncomfortable feeling "obligated" to go see them. I also didn''t like how she said that she felt like he is telling her that I''m the woman he''s going to spend the rest of his life with but I haven''t gotten to know his sister. Not to sound selfish, but I''ve spent MUCH more time with his sister than he has with my family, soley because my parents live so far away. However, my parents aren''t saying anything about not knowing him well enough. I understand we''re under "their roof" on the vacation but frankly it makes me feel a bit like a child. We''ve been living together for almost a year and my parents (who I wasn''t sure would be comfortable with us sleeping together) were fine with it when we went to visit them. They made it clear that we''re both 24-25 and they''re going to treat us like adults. I love FF but sometimes I feel like he really is reluctent for anything to be at all amiss between his family and I. They''ve done a lot to welcome me into their family but sometimes I feel a bit pressured to be with them. If a week or two is "drifiting away", I feel like she has nothing to complain about. My parents see us probably 3 or 4 times a year.

 

[Munchkin]

*Warning: This reply is likely to be an overreaction, but I am sensitive to this topic as I have been holding my best friend''s hand through similar IL stuff.*

She needs limits set, and she needs them now. She is playing a passive aggressive/ martyr card and she is playing it well. Note how everything that is wrong is based on behavior caused by someone other than her. "You" weren''t happy about the sleeping arrangements, "FF" was the one who said so, "You and FF" have been pulling away from the family, "FSIL" feels that she doesn''t know you well, "You" don''t care and aren''t really committed. The comment that the vacation would be cancelled if either your or FF were unable to come is ridiculous. They won''t support you spending vacations apart, yet they won''t support you sharing a room?

She expects you and FF to jump at any request she has and is skillful at using guilt if things don''t go her way. If you don''t amend your relationship now, this will only be amplified if grandchildren come into the picture. Can you imagine the wrath that would ensue if little Tommy didn''t make a family meeting because you let him play at a friend''s house? If you don''t dine with them often enough, they will feel like they are "losing" their grandchildren.

The MIL my friend is dealing with in real life has been especially horrible since the arrival of a grandson. The DIL (not my friend, she was a bystander) took the baby into the restroom of a restaurant because he was ill. The MIL walked into the restroom, TOOK the baby from his mother''s arms, then carried him outside saying "I''ll take care of this." She then insisted that the baby ride in her car back to the house. She rode in the back seat with the child/car seat and made the mother ride in the front. The baby''s dad and other relatives rode in a second car.

The main issue in the relationship is that limits weren''t set early on. That couple married young and the MIL put herself into every aspect of their life. Now she is attempting to do the same in my best friend''s relationship with another son, and fireworks are sparking. My friend isn''t passive, but she doesn''t want to hurt her guy''s relationship with his family. It is a tough, sad situation.

Whenever there is a problem, discuss the solution with FF. It is his job to address it with his family -ideally with you next to him while he''s on the phone so you can hear exactly what he is saying, should FMIL ever try to address things with you. Be a united front. She strikes me as a person who would much rather have a girlfriend to blame than her precious boy. If he is the one making things clear, you are less likely to be the "bad guy." Be consistent. Be polite. Be grateful for the vacation and the interest they show in your life, but set limits now.

If she is a person who makes the two of you feel guilty when you have to leave ("I thought you were staying for dinner tonight. Last time you didn''t stay, so I thought you would spend more time with us tonight.") decide before you go over what time you will leave. It is FF''s job to relay the time and it his his job to say "It''s 3 o''clock, so we need to get going." Otherwise, you will be the source of his "pulling away."

I''m sure I sound a bit crazed. It''s just awful seeing wonderful young couples suffer from guilt put upon them. I really, really, really hope I am overreacting!

 

[Treasure43]

Date: 6/16/2009 11:43:47 PM
Author: Munchkin
*Warning: This reply is likely to be an overreaction, but I am sensitive to this topic as I have been holding my best friend''s hand through similar IL stuff.*

She needs limits set, and she needs them now. She is playing a passive aggressive/ martyr card and she is playing it well. Note how everything that is wrong is based on behavior caused by someone other than her. ''You'' weren''t happy about the sleeping arrangements, ''FF'' was the one who said so, ''You and FF'' have been pulling away from the family, ''FSIL'' feels that she doesn''t know you well, ''You'' don''t care and aren''t really committed. The comment that the vacation would be cancelled if either your or FF were unable to come is ridiculous. They won''t support you spending vacations apart, yet they won''t support you sharing a room?

She expects you and FF to jump at any request she has and is skillful at using guilt if things don''t go her way. If you don''t amend your relationship now, this will only be amplified if grandchildren come into the picture. Can you imagine the wrath that would ensue if little Tommy didn''t make a family meeting because you let him play at a friend''s house? If you don''t dine with them often enough, they will feel like they are ''losing'' their grandchildren.

The MIL my friend is dealing with in real life has been especially horrible since the arrival of a grandson. The DIL (not my friend, she was a bystander) took the baby into the restroom of a restaurant because he was ill. The MIL walked into the restroom, TOOK the baby from his mother''s arms, then carried him outside saying ''I''ll take care of this.'' She then insisted that the baby ride in her car back to the house. She rode in the back seat with the child/car seat and made the mother ride in the front. The baby''s dad and other relatives rode in a second car.

The main issue in the relationship is that limits weren''t set early on. That couple married young and the MIL put herself into every aspect of their life. Now she is attempting to do the same in my best friend''s relationship with another son, and fireworks are sparking. My friend isn''t passive, but she doesn''t want to hurt her guy''s relationship with his family. It is a tough, sad situation.

Whenever there is a problem, discuss the solution with FF. It is his job to address it with his family -ideally with you next to him while he''s on the phone so you can hear exactly what he is saying, should FMIL ever try to address things with you. Be a united front. She strikes me as a person who would much rather have a girlfriend to blame than her precious boy. If he is the one making things clear, you are less likely to be the ''bad guy.'' Be consistent. Be polite. Be grateful for the vacation and the interest they show in your life, but set limits now.

If she is a person who makes the two of you feel guilty when you have to leave (''I thought you were staying for dinner tonight. Last time you didn''t stay, so I thought you would spend more time with us tonight.'') decide before you go over what time you will leave. It is FF''s job to relay the time and it his his job to say ''It''s 3 o''clock, so we need to get going.'' Otherwise, you will be the source of his ''pulling away.''

I''m sure I sound a bit crazed. It''s just awful seeing wonderful young couples suffer from guilt put upon them. I really, really, really hope I am overreacting!

I appreciate your post Munchkin and I''m so sorry your friend is going through such a difficult time. I am very much having diffiiculty trying to figure out how to have them in our lives without sparking long discussions where he defends his family and truly tries to understand my side and fails. I very much want to be a part of his family BUT I feel there need to be limits. He, however, kind of freaked out when I talked with him about setting some limits or boundaries now so that these situations don''t happen again. I think it was the term boundaries. To him they mean distancing himself physically from his parents. I take them to mean expressing that we are adults and can make our own decisions. I''ve since told him I don''t feel comfortable discussing finances with his family.

I told him that every once and a while I may not WANT to go to an event and may just need time to myself (I''m an only child who needs time to herself every day or things are tough for me). I''m not planning on doing this often I just feel like I need to know that the option is there. That I don''t HAVE to attend EVERY event. That if I choose not to go, his mother won''t say I don''t know his sister well enough or we''re/I''m drifting away from them. The problem is that EVERYONE takes it so personally if I don''t show up to something. And honestly, I feel manipulated into this vacation at this point. I told FF that I do want to go but not 100% because there are certian things that I''m uncomfortable with about the trip (in addition to the sleeping arrangements). However, I''m more than willing to drive the 4 hours each way to spend three days there because I care about him. He wants it to be because I want to spend time with his family. So I don''t know. We can''t seem to find common ground on this one because he''s so very close with his family and I feel pretty strongly about the subject.

I''m not sure exactly how to go about setting boundaries on things like this that come up, but your example of picking a time and sticking to it is great! Do you have any more examples? I''d love to find a way to approach this that doesn''t hurt anyone''s feelings or make things uncomfortable between anyone.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 6/16/2009 11:43:47 PM
Author: Munchkin
*Warning: This reply is likely to be an overreaction, but I am sensitive to this topic as I have been holding my best friend's hand through similar IL stuff.*

She needs limits set, and she needs them now. She is playing a passive aggressive/ martyr card and she is playing it well. Note how everything that is wrong is based on behavior caused by someone other than her. 'You' weren't happy about the sleeping arrangements, 'FF' was the one who said so, 'You and FF' have been pulling away from the family, 'FSIL' feels that she doesn't know you well, 'You' don't care and aren't really committed. The comment that the vacation would be cancelled if either your or FF were unable to come is ridiculous. They won't support you spending vacations apart, yet they won't support you sharing a room?

She expects you and FF to jump at any request she has and is skillful at using guilt if things don't go her way. If you don't amend your relationship now, this will only be amplified if grandchildren come into the picture. Can you imagine the wrath that would ensue if little Tommy didn't make a family meeting because you let him play at a friend's house? If you don't dine with them often enough, they will feel like they are 'losing' their grandchildren.

The MIL my friend is dealing with in real life has been especially horrible since the arrival of a grandson. The DIL (not my friend, she was a bystander) took the baby into the restroom of a restaurant because he was ill. The MIL walked into the restroom, TOOK the baby from his mother's arms, then carried him outside saying 'I'll take care of this.' She then insisted that the baby ride in her car back to the house. She rode in the back seat with the child/car seat and made the mother ride in the front. The baby's dad and other relatives rode in a second car.

The main issue in the relationship is that limits weren't set early on. That couple married young and the MIL put herself into every aspect of their life. Now she is attempting to do the same in my best friend's relationship with another son, and fireworks are sparking. My friend isn't passive, but she doesn't want to hurt her guy's relationship with his family. It is a tough, sad situation.

Whenever there is a problem, discuss the solution with FF. It is his job to address it with his family -ideally with you next to him while he's on the phone so you can hear exactly what he is saying, should FMIL ever try to address things with you. Be a united front. She strikes me as a person who would much rather have a girlfriend to blame than her precious boy. If he is the one making things clear, you are less likely to be the 'bad guy.' Be consistent. Be polite. Be grateful for the vacation and the interest they show in your life, but set limits now.

If she is a person who makes the two of you feel guilty when you have to leave ('I thought you were staying for dinner tonight. Last time you didn't stay, so I thought you would spend more time with us tonight.') decide before you go over what time you will leave. It is FF's job to relay the time and it his his job to say 'It's 3 o'clock, so we need to get going.' Otherwise, you will be the source of his 'pulling away.'

I'm sure I sound a bit crazed. It's just awful seeing wonderful young couples suffer from guilt put upon them. I really, really, really hope I am overreacting!

Good grief.

What is wrong with so many grandmothers these days that they so often blatantly disrespect the MOTHER or PARENTS of these children and set themselves up as PARENTS? NOT COOL.

Passive aggressive as usual I suppose, their way of letting the parents know you are not good enough or capable to raise my grandchild .

* threadjack over*

 

[lilmissrugger]

The situation only gets that much trickier when you have a SO who doesn''t fully understand the grief you are going through with the situation. Make sure you assure him that you love to spend time with his family, but it makes you upset when on occasion you miss an opportunity to hang out with his family, and she makes you feel guilty about pulling away when you never get to see yours. Tell him that his mother is making you feel guilty about having to be there for your job, and you don''t understand what you should be doing in this situation, and ask for his advice- if he says anything like spending less time at work or doing things in relation to work, make sure you point out how ridiculous that is, and how he would feel if your parents wanted him to spend less time involved with his work. Most of the time, when you turn a scenario around on someone and place them in it instead, they are much more open to seeing your side and helping you solve the problem.

Sorry your FMIL is difficult, I hope it all works out!