Need advice...

[Ara Ann]

Date: 12/17/2009 12:02:41 PM
Author: Rachel9

Date: 12/17/2009 10:29:39 AM

Author: Ara Ann


And yes, there are MY kids to consider too...I don''t want them to feel like second class grandkids either.

The funny thing is, my in-laws have never made it a point to get close to our sons, but mentioned how the miles between them and BIL''s son have prevented them from getting as close as she would have liked.

I guess 30 miles are too many for our sons too.

I haven''t read all of the replies, but I find the highlighted line odd. Not sure if this has been going on for years or just started? Sorry to be nosey, but my kids mean the world to me and if a family member would even try to treat them as second class we wouldn''t be part of the pack for good. If this is a ''new'' attitude, then I would def talk to MIL calmly to clear the winds or move on. I wouldn''t hide the letter from DH nor heat up the fire. I''m very sorry you weren''t not included, this makes me so sad....

Well...I guess it''s kind of been a lack of interest on their part, in the ''grandparenting'' area for quite a while. I''d invite them to the kids school activities when they were young, like Christmas concerts, etc., the things most grandparents attend. But they were never inclined to show up, and that is totally 100% their prerogative to not attend, but it does show how interested they are in their grandkids...and BTW, they have a total of THREE, two here, one in CA and there won''t be any more. I never made a big deal of it to my kids either, so they never felt bad about it...I am very careful about not bashing their grandparents, no matter how I feel about them.


And also when we visit their house, it''s not and wasn''t the most kid friendly environment (as the boys were growing up)...they were quite stuffy and formal, so the kids had to be on ''best behavior'' all the time (again, their house, their rules, which is their call) and didn''t get to really have ''fun'' there. - it wasn''t an ''easy going'' or fun grandparenting relationship.

My MIL did dote on our oldest, when he was pretty little, but after our 2nd son came along, when oldest was about five, my MIL''s interest in him dropped too. FIL has never really shown an interest in the boys, but was the same way with his sons...so that''s not surprising to me either.

We''ve just basically gone with the flow over the years and try to make the best of it. If I was the kind of DIL inclined to be a Royal PITA, she would have had her fill by now, I am sure.

 

[movie zombie]

i''m with purr and rachel: this isn''t an isolated event. your writing indicates that they have never made an attempt to get close to your children. your oldeest is now 20. the damage of being marginalized is already done.

this is a missive from HIS parents to you both; therefore, you have no option but to show it to him. start making your own family traditions for events you previously did with these people, change the music playing as suggested above and develop your own dance! you owe them no explanations regarding changes in plans.

mz

 

[Ara Ann]

Thanks again, to each one of you who took the time to reply and to give input here...I truly appreciate all of your advice and support.

After taking a day to really think this through, I have decided to not show him the letter.

I have come to this conclusion because I truly feel he just doesn''t need to see it at this point. If the timing had been different, as far as his job loss goes, maybe I would have shown him...but at this point, it will only bring him down, at a time when he needs to be built up and in my heart I know it''s just not that important for him to see it. I know him well enough to know that he won''t be upset with me, if he does hear about it from someone else as well. He''d understand my motivation and would actually appreciate it.



His mother is not going to change, if I address this with her or not...she is becoming more clueless with age, not getting nicer...again, my FIL''s influence...not much I can do about her, but I don''t have to allow her to ''get to'' me or DH. If I bring it up to her and ask why she left us out, she will chalk my hard feelings up to jealousy, which is not the case and she''d totally miss the point anyway.

As PP said, some things are worth fighting over and some are not. This is not.


And I admit, I will get some kind of satisfaction, knowing her friends and family are reading it and thinking they are both

for sending that kind of ''bragfest'' of a letter. I am choosing to see it as pathetic and funny, rather than being upset that we were left out.

And I know that talking through this on this forum really DID help to put things into perspective.

Thanks again.


Ara

 

[AmberGretchen]

Ara Ann - I haven''t read the other replies, so please forgive me if I''m duplicating them, but I wanted to express my deepest sympathies for your DH and yourself in this situation. I can really empathize with this situation, because my stepmother and father routinely did the EXACT same thing to me. It became almost a (sick) joke each year to see how much they could belittle or ignore me in the annual holiday letter.

One thing I would really like to be able to tell your husband - it doesn''t matter what he has or hasn''t done, how much money he makes, or what he accomplishes, it will never be enough. It isn''t really about his brother "doing" more or making more money, it is an ingrained bias, and won''t change based on yours or DH''s behavior.

I know this because in my own situation, which sounds eerily similar, I was/am the "accomplished" one - I have an undergraduate degree from an Ivy League school, a PhD in Immunology, and a prestigious, high-paying job. But to my father and stepmother, none of that ever mattered, nor did it matter while it was happening - their adopted daughter, my younger sister, was always the focus of letters and essays for family and friends, and was always, as your DH''s brother is, inherently favored. I was lucky to merit a sentence or two for any major life event - graduations, getting engaged, even getting married.

My heart aches for your DH because this is such a painful thing for parents to do to their own children. The only advice I can give is advice that was given to me in counseling - to try to create as much emotional distance as you can, until their behavior becomes less hurtful. Not because they change their behavior, which they likely never will, but because your DH and you will have learned to distance yourselves enough that they no longer have the power to hurt you both.

HUGE hugs and all my sympathies to both of you - its an incredibly difficult and painful situation, and I sincerely hope you can both find some healing out of it.

 

[junebug17]

Ara Ann, I didn''t post an opinion, but I just wanted to say that I''m glad you came to a resolution on this, and have been able to find some peace. We here on PS can offer advice and suggestions, but in the end you have to do what feels right to you. FWIW, I agree with you about not bringing this up with mil. Going by your description of her, she would probably get very defensive and blame it on jealousy on your part. She is not going to change at this point, better to just accept who she is, and basically try to ignore her! Just focus on your wonderful family, enjoy the holidays with them, and love and support your hubby. In the end, that''s all that really matters!

 

[swimmer]

Date: 12/17/2009 9:29:17 AM
Author: Starset Princess
I would not show him the letter and instead take MIL aside and ask her if she thinks you should show him the letter!

AA, I''m really glad you have made a decision here, it seems very rational at this point for your DH. I would however want to discuss it with your MIL so that she knows her actions at Thanksgiving said one thing, but her XMass letter said something else... Starset has a solid idea here. I don''t know what I would ask her in your shoes, but something about reading the letter from her ignored son''s perspective. Good luck.

I feel for you so much, last year (6 months after our wedding) my FIL put "our new daughter-in-law continues to refuse to give us a grandchild." DH had wisely hid it from me, but I found it the day after I miscarried, again.

 

[Ara Ann]

Thanks again for the additional comments Junebug and swimmer....



And, AmberG., I am sorry you have felt this from your parents too. This is something kids shouldn''t feel, no matter how old they are.

My parents had seven kids and I know, not one of us would ever be able to claim favored status, we are all unique and appreciated by our parents, which is why my MIL''s actions are so foreign to me.

And you are right, BIL will continue to have the preferred status, and that is something DH had come to understand a long time ago...and since he''s not a grudge holder, he has really worked on not letting it get to him..he''s felt closer to them recently...which is why he just doesn''t need to see the letter.

We are both working toward reaching a level of comfort with them, and accepting them as they are, while keeping a healthy emotional distance...but it is hard for me to see my MIL acting this way...she and I used to be fairly close (when our oldest was little)...and I know that person is just gone.


swimmer, sounds like your FIL takes the prize for most insensitive FIL EVER.

Sorry you had to go through that too, in addition to your losses.

About bringing it up to MIL, I would REALLY love to confront her with this...believe me...but in her way of thinking, my reaction would be chalked up to jealousy, again it isn''t, but would totally ''get her off'' thinking I was jealous over their trip, BIL, etc. She is looking for attention here and I am going to refuse to give it to her...even if it is warranted. If SHE brings it up, I will have an opening to address it, but I am not going to bring it up to her first.

Thanks again all!

 

[Haven]

Ara Ann--I'm glad you came to a satisfying decision regarding this letter.

I just wanted to add to the chorus of

s in response to your in-laws' behavior.

I want to share my perspective as the child of a son who was in your husband's position in the family. My father is the middle child, he was always the good boy, and his parents operate under the belief that the squeaky wheel gets the grease, SO, he was always pretty much ignored by his parents in childhood and adulthood.

Despite living in the same state as my grandparents for a few years during my childhood, I have never had a relationship with my father's parents. My mother went through years of anguish over this fact, and much like you, all of the issues surrounding her in-laws were a huge burden on her. Eventually, she just accepted that they are who they are, and that it isn't in her power to change them, so it was just going to have to be what it would be. And it was.

You can surround your children with people who love them, and if your ILs are unable to be a part of that, it is *their* loss, in my opinion. Some people just aren't worth your time or frustration, no matter how closely related they happen to be.

 

[VRBeauty]

Ara Ann:

I just have to add ((((HUGS)))).

It''s terrible that you and your husband even have to deal with this.

 

[Ara Ann]

Aww, thanks Haven and VRB!

Haven, I agree...we really do try to see them for who they are and I personally am going to focus more on feeling sorry for her, rather than being hurt by her. She is choosing to follow a shallow and empty path.

I sometimes wonder if it's better that BIL and his family are in another state, LOL, so my kids don't 'see' the favoritism as much, or if the distance has helped to create this issue in the first place. Guess we'll never know.

I am happy my kids are close to my parents, even though my parents are in Florida during the winter, we live near them in the summer months, so they have that sense of unconditional love from them...and they have 17 grandchildren...