Need advice...

[Ara Ann]

This is going to be a strange one. I think.

Basically I need advice and input from others outside of our realm of friends and family, so who better to ask for unbiased opinions that PSers? I''ve seen some great advice given to others here, even if I don''t agree with everything said, at least it does cause one to think of things in a different light.


This is another in-law related situation.

I have almost a love hate relationship with my in-laws, not quite ''hate'' but my in-laws are basically narcissistic and materialistic people, but also have some redeeming qualities and since they are DH''s family, I really try to see the good in them and get along with them and we have what I would consider a friendly relationship.

They are well off, after years of hard work and saving (which I don''t be grudge them at all) however, they really get a kick out of showing off their wealth and possessions. My FIL used to be the worse of the pair, but over the last couple of years, MIL has caught up...she is also being influenced by a recent reconnection with old girlfriends who are very wealthy and well off, so she''s trying to keep up with them.

My DH is the younger son of two boys...their oldest, my BIL is the ''golden boy'' and has done very well for himself, which again, is great for him...he lives in CA and has a ''dream life'' according to most people''s standards (my in-laws)...but he was also given a lot of support and more opportunities than DH had...DH had to make his own way, which I am proud of...we aren''t ''kings'' but we aren''t paupers either. So there has been somewhat of a comparison thing going on between the two sons, as far as their parents are concerned. Again, because wealth and material things are important to them, they are more proud of BIL and make no real attempts to hide their feelings.

This last summer, BIL invited in-laws to Hawaii for their 50th anniversary. I was very happy for MIL, she had always wanted to go, etc. Since they were going to be gone over a month and would be away on their anniversary, I planned a nice dinner party for them so we could celebrate with them and hear about their trip, etc. when they got back. Well, MIL blew it off and did something else that weekend instead and we never had a party for them...IMO, Hawaii was enough to her and what we could do for them didn''t compare, so it wasn''t a priority to her.


To get to the point of my post...

We got a Christmas card from the in-laws yesterday, complete with their annual Christmas letter, which all of their friends and relatives also got. I read through, all about their parties with friends, luncheons, and happenings over the past year...one and a half pages were all about their trip to CA and Hawaii and how wonderful BIL was to them for their anniversary...they even mentioned his trip to MI earlier in the spring and how great it was to see him, how their time with him is always so short...and gushed over his son (DH''s nephew in CA) how great he is.

I kept reading to see what they had to say about DH and me and our two sons....only to find she said NOTHING about any of us at all. Not one word. She even mentioned their cat, by name and how good and cute she is...but not one mention of our family. We had some notable things happen this year, our oldest son, their FIRST grandchild turned 20. Our youngest son started high school. Nope, not one blurb about them.


She even apologized at the end for the length of the letter, but said, "so many good things happened, I didn''t want to leave anything out."


This was very hurtful and confusing...I''m not sure if she totally FORGOT she had TWO sons, or if she honestly didn''t feel anything we did rated high enough to be included in her letter. And did my FIL read it before she sent it? If so, it was also alright in his opinion to not mention DH?

Regardless of her motives, I haven''t told DH about it yet... DH has had a very difficult year, emotionally...he''s been doing GREAT, has been in counseling for some things, however, he just found out he''s losing his job at the end of February...he''s under pressure already...and although he also has a somewhat strained relationship with his parents, he felt really positive about them recently...so I am at a loss about even telling him about their Christmas letter.

After I read it and re-read it to be sure I hadn''t missed anything, I was shaking I was so upset and just plain hurt. I can''t imagine how DH would feel to see this too. How can a mother just totally DISREGARD a child and his whole family like that? She had just been to our house for DS 20th b-day party! We have a good relationship, we talk on the phone at least 4 times a week! it''s not even like we are on the outs with them, or have done anything wrong here...

I keep asking myself, what would come of him reading it?...he would be hurt...he would be upset and it would make him very uncomfortable over the holidays as well (we''re going to their house on Christmas Day)...however if I don''t tell him and someone else mentions it, is that worse?




What should I do? Should I show him the letter, or not? This is basically what I really need to know...not if we should even have contact with in-laws, etc., just about the letter.


Thanks in advance.

 

[noelwr]

yes, you should definitely let him read the letter.

personally, the letter makes me

. every parent knows that you should treat your children equally and if you're going to write about one in a letter, you also have to write about the other. I would call her up and ask her why she treated your family like it doesn't exist.

but anyway, the letter was addressed to you both, so he should read it no matter how upset he becomes. who knows, maybe he'll just shrug it off. if he does get upset, he has you there to remind him how wonderful a person he is. yes, it will be much worse if you don't let him see it and someone else mentions it.

 

[rhbgirl24]

Oh my this makes me so

. and it strikes cords, DH''s parents are like that with their daughter, even tho its not to that extreme, so I feel for you.

I would absolutely show him the letter.... and its now time for a sit down talk with the four of you!

 

[Upgradable]

Why does this story sound familiar? Have you been having problems with them doing similar things before? Is this an ongoing battle?

ETA: Wow!! I just reread a couple of your earlier threads and you could write a really good TV script!! Too bad daytime TV is downsizing.

With the history you've had with your inlaws, and your husbands prior situations with his parents and your BIL, I'd say just let it die. Fires only continue to burn if you give them more fuel. Take the high road, put the letter away, and have a great holiday of your own.

 

[Ara Ann]

Date: 12/17/2009 9:13:44 AM
Author: Upgradable
Why does this story sound familiar? Have you been having problems with them doing similar things before? Is this an ongoing battle?

Not something like this specifically, no...

I''ve mentioned MIL before on here, regarding Thanksgiving and about her personality quirks. and how I had been planning an anniversary party for my parent''s 60th, then was having a dinner party for the in-laws 50th the following weekend, but that she canceled on us.

But this Christmas letter really takes the cake, IMO... If it had been warranted, if we blatantly didn''t get along, or had a major falling out, then I could understand, maybe. But nothing like that has happened, and like I said, she was just at our house for our son''s b-day and we had a really nice time....things were getting better, IMO... She even gushed all over me on T-Day at her house, gave me a HUGE long hug and said how happy she was to have us there, etc. This just comes out of left field.


Thanks for the replies so far ladies.

 

[Erin]

I would not show him the letter and instead take MIL aside and ask her if she thinks you should show him the letter!

 

[janinegirly]

Ara, I can relate a little. I have strained relations with IL's and the yougest is the golden boy in our case. He is all talk, no action and gets lauded for talking a big game. He skips out on holiday events with selfish excuses and everyone says...oh that's how he is! DH is the middle child and has to earn the respect and we got skewered over missing some family events (with good excuses like I'd just had a baby!). I know different personalities generate different responses, but with kids--you should 1)) treat each fairly while 2) still holding each to same level of accountability! It's aggravating b/c I'm the oldest and treated a certain way by my folks so I was pretty unhappy to have to slip into this new family role(of being looked over unfairly. Most hurtful to me is there are photos of BIL and wife at IL's house, but none of us...).

Anyway, not meaning to bore you w/ my situation but can relate to a lesser degree. I would ALSO be furious like you.

As for advice, if your DH is in a sensitive emotional state, I think I would tread carefully and present it neutrally. (rather than reacting instinctively by saying CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?). He may see it differently (my DH always defends his parents and says I'm seeing things, but I know I'm not). In terms of addressing it, is there anyway you can talk to MIL direct? Normally I'd say have your DH do it but sounds like that's not such a great idea. In these situations I prefer to be upfront. Your MIL was disrespectful and she needs to be told that and set straight. You can kick things off non-confrontationally but directly..something ilke "I read your card but noticed no mention of us and was curious if that was a mistake?" Let her answer and talk. Then say, "well it was very hurtful to us and I'd like for you and I to talk honestly about this so it doesn't come up again or lead to misunderstanding. Is there something that is a problem that I'm not aware of?" That kind of line of questionong.

Of course I'm taking a leap here and don't know your relationship with MIL,etc. but just my initial reaction.

 

[CNOS128]

I would show him because, personally, I would be upset if I were in his position and I knew that my spouse had kept it from me. I like to be fully informed and know who/what I''m dealing with.

You might preface showing him the letter by explaining (in a non-angry way) that it doesn''t mention your family, but talks a lot about his brother, and giving it to him in case he wants to read it.

 

[Bia]

Date: 12/17/2009 9:41:00 AM
Author: TheBigT
I would show him because, personally, I would be upset if I were in his position and I knew that my spouse had kept it from me. I like to be fully informed and know who/what I'm dealing with.

You might preface showing him the letter by explaining (in a non-angry way) that it doesn't mention your family, but talks a lot about his brother, and giving it to him in case he wants to read it.

I agree. He should see the letter.

(I'm so sorry this happened...I would feel awful too

)

eta: I just want to add, it's your MIL that looks bad. I am sure people noticed that she didn't ONCE mention her other son and her other grandchildren!

 

[lyra]

I would burn the letter, honestly. With your DH under stress about his job already, why does he need to see it? If it gets mentioned, say you misplaced it and recap some of what it said, not specifics. Why put him through this extra stress? You know what it said, that''s good enough IMO. He doesn''t need more negativity right now. Let him enjoy the holidays as best he can. He might confront them at a later date, or not, but right now is bad timing.

 

[tlh]

Honestly, I would hand him the letter and muster with all your might the ability to hide any emotion one way or another. "Look hon, your mom''s Xmas card came- it was really nice."

You said your hubby is having a hard time, but this was from his mother. Take the neutral position, and let HIM decide if it is

which PERSONALLY I AGREE WITH YOU. THAT IS CR@P!

BUT, all that aside, people are selfish. People don''t always know that they are leaving things out, because of their skewed views on things. In the grand scheme of things a grandchild turning 20 isn''t a big deal... but starting highschool could be. BUT AGAIN, not as much as GRADUATING... so it is a matter of her priorities... now I''m not reading the letter so I don''t know what she gushed about the other grandchild- etc... but I''d just repeat to myself this is HER Christmas letter, if you wanted to send one gushing about your family, you could have. Hawaii was a BIG DEAL. They were there for a month, you said. That is something worth noting.

Now on PS just look at the number of pet threads that pop up. People LOVE their pets. I know I do. I don''t know if I''d mention them in my Christmas letter- but I might... if I had a cute picture plopped in there.

I''m sorry she didn''t mention your family, HER SON, or grandchildren (YOUR CHILDREN) in the letter. That is really a shame, that it didn''t occur to her - but I would take the high road. You don''t want your kids to think that grandma slighted them. That would be a pretty crummy feeling to have right at Christmas.

My parents started the Christmas letter trend after their first grandchild was born. I really hate it, and sometimes cringe at the photos they use of my husband and myself. They are really impresonal, and sometimes my dad''s attempt at humor really makes my blood boil. (he''ll take a serious event and make light of it. bleh.) I know that my dad doesn''t mean anything bad by it - it is just his humor and mine don''t click. Like if someone were to graduate instead of boasting proudly, he''d be more likely to make a joke that the party was over -- that sort of thing. Sometimes it is just their perspective - and just knowing that they didn''t mean any intentional malice by it - works.

I''d just keep thinking they don''t mean anything bad by it - as you said their measure of success is different. They come over often, and you feel "friendly"... maybe they just felt that in light of your husband''s difficulties, it was best to just ignore it - and shine the spotlight elsewhere - though there are plenty of braggable things w/ your family unit... who knows.

((HUGS)) At the very least, most people I know that get those make fun of them if they are any longer than a page... and esp if they start mentioning the family pet before their own children. Heck, that one might make my fridge. I''m always in need of a good hearty chuckle of other''s ignorance from time to time.

 

[Ara Ann]

Wow... a lot of varying opinions...I guess that''s because there is no clear cut answer, which is why I am torn in the first place!

And tlh, thanks for your input about it being ''their'' letter...I do need to remember to focus on that...it did occur to me too. And of course they should mention Hawaii and their 50th anni., but the letter included SO many, very specific details about their trip (where they ate, how exclusive it was and how expensive it was...the view from their condo, on and on)...all meant to impress and make the reader envious. I mentioned they included the cat, simply because she chose to include her and not DH...if I sent letters like this, I''s probably mention our pooch too, LOL (we love him too)...but not at the exclusion of a CHILD and grandchildren. Even if we are ''too boring'' for her letter, LOL, at least she could have said something about the upcoming holidays and spending time with us, etc., ya know?


I am really thinking about talking to her, first, separately, to possibly find out the ''why'' - her reasoning behind the omission and then see if I should talk to DH about it further. I HATE keeping anything from him, normally I''d tell him, but the timing of this is just not good.


And yes, there are MY kids to consider too...I don''t want them to feel like second class grandkids either.

The funny thing is, my in-laws have never made it a point to get close to our sons, but mentioned how the miles between them and BIL''s son have prevented them from getting as close as she would have liked.

I guess 30 miles are too many for our sons too.

 

[Porridge]

Honestly, I think that was a mean and rude thing for your MIL to do, and I completely understand your hurt feelings. Presumably people who recieve the letter will know there are two sons+family, and while most will not pay much attention, some will notice the complete lack of mention of one of them. Whether deliberate or not, it was a thoughtless, classless thing to do.

I agree that you should show it to your husband with neutral emotion and let him make up his own mind, lest unnecessary negativity is created.

Depending on his reaction, I would consider talking to your MIL as suggested above.

{hugs}

 

[VRBeauty]

I'd send it back to her, with a note about how you really don't want to share it with your DH and DS because you know they would be so hurt and disappointed that your family was apparently forgotten, and how you wouldn't want them to think badly of their parents/grandparents...

 

[radiantquest]

I didn''t read everyone elses post. I personally would not hide it from him because then if he found out he would feel betrayed by you too. I am not so sure that I would give it to him to read because that would hurt him. Would it be possible to just tell him that it arrived and that it just tells people what went on through the year?

 

[monarch64]

This is exactly why I cannot stand Christmas letters. I really don''t give a rat''s a$$ about anyone''s checklist of how awesome they are and how many times their kid made the honor roll, and how many vacations they took in the past year. Don''t we have Facebook for this type of thing now?

I would show him the letter, it came from his family. Would the timing ever be good with something like this? Probably not.

It''s really sad that people are so obsessed with material wealth and value that over all else. I feel sorry for Mr. Ara Ann''s parents. Hopefully Mr. Ara Ann can rise above the nonsense and just accept that his parents will never change. If they can''t love him for the person and son he is, that is too bad for them, they are the ones missing out.

 

[Ara Ann]

Date: 12/17/2009 10:45:06 AM
Author: radiantquest
I didn''t read everyone elses post. I personally would not hide it from him because then if he found out he would feel betrayed by you too. I am not so sure that I would give it to him to read because that would hurt him. Would it be possible to just tell him that it arrived and that it just tells people what went on through the year?

I think that would still be skirting the problem though. The fact that we got a letter from them is not the thing I am afraid of him finding out, I am concerned that someone will mention to him that he was not in the letter at all.

He does speak to his brother quite a bit, they have a good relationship and it''s not beyond his brother''s sense of humor to point out in a sarcastic way (meaning to put their parents down, not to hurt DH) that DH wasn''t mentioned. That''s mainly what I am concerned about, that he''ll hear it from someone else. maybe I should speak to BIL about it too? He totally sees their parents'' shortcomings too...he''s not blinded or impressed by their attention, but he doesn''t turn it down either. urrgh.

And FIL called here yesterday, 20 mins. after I got the letter, to ask me for a favor. I am avoiding speaking to either of them just yet because I am still too upset and am afraid I''ll rip into either one of them, which is what I really don''t want to do.

I do want to take the high road here...but it may take me a couple of days to get to that road!

Thanks again to all who have replied...it helps to be able to talk/think this through before I act on anything.

 

[CasaBlanca]

First, I share your anger. Frustration. Disbelief. (and from experience I commiserate...I assure you)

But here's the thing...she is orchestrating this...and as the Maestro (Maestra??) she has sent the tone for the music being played. With strings and percussion and many layers of intricate notes. But it is terribly off key. The violins only have two strings...and the harp is being played by a big thumbed clumsy construction worker. Oh and picture her dress hiked up the rear in her panties waistband as she is mooning the audience. No grace at all. Egads, so my analogy is a little far fetched...but you aren't the only one viewing her offensive. Her undies are showing to others, I assure you.

I say...dance to the beat of your own music...ROCK ON! Unplug her trash. Pull yourself up and out and away from that front row seat, don't ever buy another ticket to her performance. Plug in another track and quit listening to her orchestration. Quit playing it over and over in your head and plucking out ever sour note and re-chewing on it. Spit it out...destroy it...burn it and dance on it...flush it if you have to! Be done with the note. Don't give her the satisfaction of success.

If he were my hubby I would be the goalie, and throw myself at all things than may tear him down (including the card). I would take this opportunity to be a helpmate and shore him up with positive encouragement. Remind him, that the future is exciting...no telling where this change will lead him...but you are excited for him. See what a difference you can make...simply by changing the music he listens to. ROCK ON Ara ANN! ROCK ON!

 

[tlh]

Date: 12/17/2009 10:29:39 AM
Author: Ara Ann
And yes, there are MY kids to consider too...I don''t want them to feel like second class grandkids either.

The funny thing is, my in-laws have never made it a point to get close to our sons, but mentioned how the miles between them and BIL''s son have prevented them from getting as close as she would have liked.

I guess 30 miles are too many for our sons too.

You know, it is her loss. Right now she is placing a priority on the material things of life - and that is a shame. Cuz it really sucks when kids grow up not knowing their grandparents. But that is the sad part. Her choice to not spend more time w/ her grandchildren, (your kids) just sort of becomes second nature to them - and seeing grandma - goes low on the priority list. So when oldest grandson marries, has children, and she is at a stage where she wants to see the babies- um... it may not be HIS FAMILIES priority to get the baby ready (an ordeal in and of itself even for a trip to the store) for the drive out to grandma''s - and again.. her loss. Not saying that it would be intentional - but when someone hasn''t made you a priority - it just doesn''t even occur to you. Sad part is, I agree.

This letter was written with the sole purpose to impress people. Most of those letters are conceiled excuses to go on a bragfest about your life and family. Almost to the point to absurdity w/ some people. We used to get a letter from my dad''s college roommate every year (people I never met) and it was always fridge-worthy. Now looking back, I wouldnt have noticed a slight- as a straight ommission of an entire branch of the family tree!

But their bragging is kinda cute - because even the smallest things their kids did- was held to the highest!

Personally I wouldn''t talk to her until after your husband has seen the letter... as I think the conversation might have a bit more meaning if she hurt her sons feelings... If you do talk to her - I''d try my best to make sure it doesn''t sound accusatory. I find actually addressing and focusing on how I FEEL instead of what THEY DID often makes me feel better in the long run. Just a simple, MIL, I received your Christmas letter the other day. And though I enjoyed reading about your travels, I couldn''t help but feel hurt that you didn''t include our family in your letter... especially since we''ve had some really nice times spent TOGETHER this year.
And I''d leave it at that.

Huge HUGS to you. I cannot believe her oversight, but I''d try not to dwell on it. Sometimes letters like these just need to be read (by you and your husband) and then discarded. Hopefully she mailed an actual card with it - and I''d just have that one up for display for the children.

 

[monarch64]

Date: 12/17/2009 10:56:11 AM
Author: CasaBlanca
First, I share your anger. Frustration. Disbelief. (and from experience I commiserate...I assure you)

But here''s the thing...she is orchestrating this...and as the Maestro (Maestra??) she has sent the tone for the music being played. With strings and percussion and many layers of intricate notes. But it is terribly off key. The violins only have two strings...and the harp is being played by a big thumbed clumsy construction worker. Oh and picture her dress hiked up the rear in her panties waistband as she is mooning the audience. No grace at all. Egads, so my analogy is a little far fetched...but you aren''t the only one viewing her offensive. Her undies are showing to others, I assure you.

I say...dance to the beat of your own music...ROCK ON! Unplug her trash. Pull yourself up and out and away from that front row seat, don''t ever buy another ticket to her performance. Plug in another track and quit listening to her orchestration. Quit playing it over and over in your head and plucking out ever sour note and re-chewing on it. Spit it out...destroy it...burn it and dance on it...flush it if you have to! Be done with the note. Don''t give her the satisfaction of success.

If he were my hubby I would be the goalie, and throw myself at all things than may tear him down (including the card). I would take this opportunity to be a helpmate and shore him up with positive encouragement. Remind him, that the future is exciting...no telling where this change will lead him...but you are excited for him. See what a difference you can make...simply by changing the music he listens to. ROCK ON Ara ANN! ROCK ON!

This.

 

[Ara Ann]

Date: 12/17/2009 10:52:30 AM
Author: monarch64
This is exactly why I cannot stand Christmas letters. I really don''t give a rat''s a$$ about anyone''s checklist of how awesome they are and how many times their kid made the honor roll, and how many vacations they took in the past year. Don''t we have Facebook for this type of thing now?

I would show him the letter, it came from his family. Would the timing ever be good with something like this? Probably not.


It''s really sad that people are so obsessed with material wealth and value that over all else. I feel sorry for Mr. Ara Ann''s parents. Hopefully Mr. Ara Ann can rise above the nonsense and just accept that his parents will never change. If they can''t love him for the person and son he is, that is too bad for them, they are the ones missing out.

Thanks Monarch. DH is a wonderful man and I love him and respect him deeply. He chooses to try to love his parents despite their efforts in making it hard to do!


The kicker/irony in this for DH will be that his mother JUST told him how much she loves him and how wonderful a person he is, at Thanksgiving. She knows he''s come through a hard time too and said ''if others don''t see you for the person you are, then you don''t need them in your life.'' - THAT made DH feel SO great...it was a super special thing for her to tell him and he was so touched by that (she''s not very vocal about things like that)...which is why this will now be so hurtful. Of course she''s not going to mention his emotional hardships this last year in her letter, but saying nothing at all is not right either. That''s what I just don''t ''get'' - she says she loves DH, but her actions show other wise.


And as far as the others who will read this, knowing she has TWO sons, I wonder if they will see HER in a bad light, or think WE did something so terrible to them, that she isn''t speaking to/of us anymore!

 

[rierie26]

Ugh. What a *beep*.

I hate Xmas letters! It sounds kinda Grinch-y, but if I wanted to know that stuff about you, I'd have asked. You know what I mean?

I'd be tempted to send her back the letter and say that since she's not interested in your life, you're not interested in hers. But, that wouldn't really solve things.

I'd give the letter to your husband with no expression and without saying anything about the contents and let him read it. I'd sit there with him, but not say anything, while he was doing so. That way if it makes him upset you can speak with him about it and try to cheer him up, but you're not adding any flames to the fire with your anger.

Would it really help bringing up to your MIL the insulting fact that she didn't mention your family at all in her letter? You know her, would it just cause more tension or would it help to resolve things?

It's worth repeating: Ugh. What a *beep*

 

[Ara Ann]

Date: 12/17/2009 11:00:04 AM
Author: monarch64

Date: 12/17/2009 10:56:11 AM

Author: CasaBlanca

First, I share your anger. Frustration. Disbelief. (and from experience I commiserate...I assure you)


But here''s the thing...she is orchestrating this...and as the Maestro (Maestra??) she has sent the tone for the music being played. With strings and percussion and many layers of intricate notes. But it is terribly off key. The violins only have two strings...and the harp is being played by a big thumbed clumsy construction worker. Oh and picture her dress hiked up the rear in her panties waistband as she is mooning the audience. No grace at all. Egads, so my analogy is a little far fetched...but you aren''t the only one viewing her offensive. Her undies are showing to others, I assure you.


I say...dance to the beat of your own music...ROCK ON! Unplug her trash. Pull yourself up and out and away from that front row seat, don''t ever buy another ticket to her performance. Plug in another track and quit listening to her orchestration. Quit playing it over and over in your head and plucking out ever sour note and re-chewing on it. Spit it out...destroy it...burn it and dance on it...flush it if you have to! Be done with the note. Don''t give her the satisfaction of success.


If he were my hubby I would be the goalie, and throw myself at all things than may tear him down (including the card). I would take this opportunity to be a helpmate and shore him up with positive encouragement. Remind him, that the future is exciting...no telling where this change will lead him...but you are excited for him. See what a difference you can make...simply by changing the music he listens to. ROCK ON Ara ANN! ROCK ON!

This.

Thank you!

That was by far, the most creative reply and it put a smile on my face!

This has been cathartic, just getting it all out! and knowing I''m not just taking this wrong, or being an overly-sensitive DIL helps a lot too.

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 12/17/2009 10:42:46 AM
Author: VRBeauty
I'd send it back to her, with a note about how you really don't want to share it with your DH and DS because you know they would be so hurt and disappointed that your family was apparently forgotten, and how you wouldn't want them to think badly of their parents/grandparents...

This is what I would do. Or I would call them up. I am sorry that is awful.

 

[janinegirly]

Date: 12/17/2009 11:13:23 AM
Author: Skippy123

Date: 12/17/2009 10:42:46 AM
Author: VRBeauty
I''d send it back to her, with a note about how you really don''t want to share it with your DH and DS because you know they would be so hurt and disappointed that your family was apparently forgotten, and how you wouldn''t want them to think badly of their parents/grandparents...

This is what I would do. Or I would call them up. I am sorry that is awful.

I liked this too. Your husband may be going through a rough time but I disagree with treating him like a child (ie protecting him from all that is bad). If you don''t want to send it back, then I agree best option is to show it to him and let him reach his own conclusion. I personally would def talk to MIL--first to show her you can stand up for yourself and second because your children are part of the equation. What happens when your kids are old enought to read this?

I agree these letters are v.annoying. I have 1-2 friends who send them and it''s name drop (or location drop) galore. I don''t want ot open an Xmas card and be met with some kind of sales spin about how great things are (ie exaggeration and selectively leaving everything else out).

 

[sctsbride09]

I dont think you should hide the letter from your Dh, why should you lie to him over something his mother did? I would mention that a letter came in, and if he wants to read it let him. There is no reason to protect your Mil, if she wants to act like an a$#, let her. PS if I got a xmas letter any longer then 1 page, it wouldnt get read anyway. I doubt most people would.

 

[purrfectpear]

I think it's a combination of your in-laws not being the most sensitive/diplomatic people, and you clearly being overly sensitive about the fact that your family is going through a bit of a rough patch at the moment.

Maybe I'm just not as thin skinned as the rest of you, but this wouldn't really have been a blip on my radar. The letter is about things that happened to the in-laws. As you state, nothing much happened to them from your side. Yes, your son had a 20th. He also had 19 other birthdays. Are they supposed to mention that he is one year older EVERY year? Yes, the other one started high school. Is that particularly note worthy? They could have had a party thrown by you, but they passed on it. You can hardly talk about a party you didn't attend.

I'm sure the in laws could have come up with some things to mention about their son, but hey, they didn't. Is it really a big deal? Is it worth "being crushed" ?

I will say this. You have the opportunity to MAKE this a big deal to your husband and kids, or not. It's how YOU present it, and how YOU act. If you care about them, then be upbeat and cheerily say "hey we got a Xmas letter from Grandma and Grandpa" and move on. Don't create strife where none is necessary, and don't feed into strife if others start to stress. You be the calming influence and let it all blow off your back. My motto in life is Don't Sweat the Small Stuff (and it's mostly ALL small stuff)

 

[Ara Ann]

Date: 12/17/2009 11:34:20 AM
Author: purrfectpear
I think it''s a combination of your in-laws not being the most sensitive/diplomatic people, and you clearly being overly sensitive about the fact that your family is going through a bit of a rough patch at the moment.


Maybe I''m just not as thin skinned as the rest of you, but this wouldn''t really have been a blip on my radar. The letter is about things that happened to the in-laws. As you state, nothing much happened to them from your side. Yes, your son had a 20th. He also had 19 other birthdays. Are they supposed to mention that he is one year older EVERY year? Yes, the other one started high school. Is that particularly note worthy? They could have had a party thrown by you, but they passed on it. You can hardly talk about a party you didn''t attend.


I''m sure the in laws could have come up with some things to mention about their son, but hey, they didn''t. Is it really a big deal? Is it worth ''being crushed'' ?


I will say this. You have the opportunity to MAKE this a big deal to your husband and kids, or not. It''s how YOU present it, and how YOU act. If you care about them, then be upbeat and cheerily say ''hey we got a Xmas letter from Grandma and Grandpa'' and move on. Don''t create strife where none is necessary, and don''t feed into strife if others start to stress. You be the calming influence and let it all blow off your back. My motto in life is Don''t Sweat the Small Stuff (and it''s mostly ALL small stuff)

You are right PP. I am sensitive about my in-laws and yes they are fairly clueless

.

I guess it goes beyond the ''letter'' in itself...it just clearly illustrated their skewed way of thinking...there are many other examples of their favoritism for BIL than this letter, so it was the icing on the cake, to ''see it in writing'' or not, so to speak.

And I do plan to not make a huge deal of it with DH and our sons, no matter what I do about it. But my DH is a very sensitive person...and no matter how I present it, it is just another glaring example of his brother having the preferred son status in the family. DH doesn''t dwell on these things, he knows that''s how his parents ''are'' - but it never feels good to see how a sibling is held in higher regard by ones parents.

As far as our sons turning 20 and starting HS goes, nope...they aren''t ''big deals'' - I merely mentioned them as something she could have said, just to mention them at all, because other grandson didn''t ''do'' anything special either, but was gushed over.

I know this is really silly when all is said and done. It''s just like sand being rubbed into an open blister at this point.

 

[Rachel9]

Date: 12/17/2009 10:29:39 AM
Author: Ara Ann

And yes, there are MY kids to consider too...I don''t want them to feel like second class grandkids either.

The funny thing is, my in-laws have never made it a point to get close to our sons, but mentioned how the miles between them and BIL''s son have prevented them from getting as close as she would have liked.

I guess 30 miles are too many for our sons too.

I haven''t read all of the replies, but I find the highlighted line odd. Not sure if this has been going on for years or just started? Sorry to be nosey, but my kids mean the world to me and if a family member would even try to treat them as second class we wouldn''t be part of the pack for good. If this is a ''new'' attitude, then I would def talk to MIL calmly to clear the winds or move on. I wouldn''t hide the letter from DH nor heat up the fire. I''m very sorry you weren''t not included, this makes me so sad....

 

[janinegirly]

ara: I don't think this is siily at all! Everyone has different sensitive spots, and this is a common one for most. PP and others might have different ones,etc. I really don't think it would be hard at all for your MIL to have made mention of your family regardless of whether or not things were eventful enough to report! That's the whole goal of parenting multiple children (to find positives in each child no matter how different).

it seems that your MIL is doing this purposefullly whether subconcsiously or not and that it is a reoccuring issue. The message seems to be that she prefers one over the other or values the material over substance. Maybe it's unintentional, but that's how it is most likely to be interpreted (by you and those reading it). Which is why i personally would have to address it in order to move forward.