Need advice on grief /grieving...

[trillionaire]

My good friend is coming to visit for a week, which I am thrilled about. However, the situation is that her fiance died suddenly during the fall, and she was supposed to be getting married during Easter weekend, then taking her honeymoon, so that is why she has vacation time now. I am terrified of sticking my foot in my mouth, or saying something that is hurtful or something stupid. I am sure she''s going to have a rough week (I spent a week with her around the time of the funeral), and I have no problem with being there for her, I was just hoping that someone could point me in the direction of a book or website or anything that I could read about grief/loss/grieving. I want to be as prepared as possible to support her, but I''m a bit anxious because I don''t know anything, nor how things will go. She tends to be fine when she''s busy, and most of the time, but this week will be especially hard. I also know that I can''t talk about my wedding plans, not because she''s not supportive (she is!), but it makes her intensely sad and can make her cry. (she tries to hide that from me, but I know)

That''s about it for now. We''re trying to put together an itinerary of things to do so that we can stay busy. Now we just need to get the warm weather back again!

I''m also scrounging around for cheap/free things to do in town, so if anyone has recommendations for the DC area, I''d love that too!

 

[geckodani]

I have had two major deaths in my life, my father and my best friend. Far and away the people I remember being the most helpful in those times were those that were just... there. That's all. I distinctly remember a friend coming over after the death of my father, and just sitting on the couch with me, watching movies. His presence alone was all I needed. In my opinion, the absolute best thing you can do is what you already are - just be there for her.

That said, I'll try to find a chart with the stages of grief for you. It might help you understand how/why she may react to different things.

ETA: This website seems to have some good info (I just gave it a quick glance). http://www.helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 3/29/2010 1:31:45 PM
Author: geckodani
I have had two major deaths in my life, my father and my best friend. Far and away the people I remember being the most helpful in those times were those that were just... there. That''s all. I distinctly remember a friend coming over after the death of my father, and just sitting on the couch with me, watching movies. His presence alone was all I needed. In my opinion, the absolute best thing you can do is what you already are - just be there for her.

That said, I''ll try to find a chart with the stages of grief for you. It might help you understand how/why she may react to different things.

ETA: This website seems to have some good info (I just gave it a quick glance). http://www.helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm

Thank you, so much for the link. It means a lot to me. I love my friend.

 

[geckodani]

Date: 3/29/2010 1:39:23 PM
Author: trillionaire

Thank you, so much for the link. It means a lot to me. I love my friend.

I can tell, and it makes me happy for her. Very few people have a friend willing to support them the way you are. She''s very, very lucky to have you.

 

[NovemberBride]

Trill,

What a wonderful, considerate friend you are. I don''t have any advice on the grief issue for you, but hopefully I can help with the DC recommendations. It should be almost cherry blossom time, which is amazing and beautiful and makes anyone feel good. Grab a coffee and a blanket and head down to the National Mall. My favorite place to sit is on the steps of the Jefferson Memorial. You could also make an afternoon of walking to all of the memorials (Jeff, Linc, Vietnam, Roosevelt, etc). The National Zoo is also an amazing zoo and it is free. Animals always make me feel happy. Another option is walking around Georgetown and grabbing a meal at one of the restaurants with outdoor seating. Sequoia has amazing views and would be great for grabbing a drink (food is so-so and over-priced). I hope the weather warms up for you and that your friend has as enjoyable a visit as possible under the circumstances). I am not sure, but I think you are in VA - if so, Old Town Alexandria also makes for a fun afternoon/evening. Lots of shops and restaurants, and nice water views.

 

[waxing lyrical]

The only advice I can offer is just be there for her. Allow her to express her feelings and just be there. Many times you don''t have to do anything. Just being there for your friend is enough.

 

[LaurenThePartier]

Trill, I''m so sorry about your friend. You''re right - this week is going to be especially difficult for her, and I''m glad she has someone to help her through this.

One of my close friends lost her husband in December after only 1 year of marriage. The few nights after he passed away, I ended up spending some time with her so she wasn''t alone in the house. We just watched movies, talked about her husband and their relationship, and about the future.

I wouldn''t worry too much about having to stick your foot in your mouth. It will happen, and you can laugh about it later. I just told my friend that I had very little experience with grief, and that I needed to know what she needed from me to make our time together less painful.

 

[RaiKai]

Alright, well, I can say I had a similar experience. When I was younger, my boyfriend of five years died quite suddenly (he was two weeks shy of his 26th birthday, I was just shy of my 23rd). I have had other close people pass away as well, but, there is something very different about losing a "life partner" - especially at a young age as it is something not many of your peers have gone through (though, more than you might realize too...I have a friend whose husband died of a heart attack on their wedding night...3 hours following the reception - he was 32, and I know others with similar stories). We were very, very close and very good friends and it is one of those experiences that I believe has had a profound effect on who I am today.

There are lots of books out there about grieving and supporting someone in grief, but at the root of them all, the best thing I can say from experience is just to BE there, to listen, to be patient and to allow them to grieve as they need. No need for "trite" reminders about how there is a reason for everything, and that he is in a good place (I never welcomed these...). And don't have expectations of where she will be "at" in the process, as grief does not fall a linear path, or a certain formula. Many will go back and forth through the "stages of grief", or spend an inordinate time in one over the other, or skip some altogether. Just accept her, as she is.

At the same time, I really advise not "tip toeing" around her. I can see reducing wedding talk if you do have concerns about her comfort, but also don't make it a point to actively deny you are having a wedding, if that makes sense. It really bothered me when people acted "different" around me or toward me than they normally would or they pretended that life was not going on, or would also make sure not to mention my late boyfriend (I WANTED him mentioned, and to be talked about!). Yes, sure, sometimes I felt sad when I thought of what had changed in my life...but I did not want others to stop living THEIRS. I went to a wedding two weeks following my boyfriends death, and it was absolutely WONDERFUL for me, I had a great time, they were friends of his too, and it felt great to be part of the wedding even though my boyfriend could not be.

At the end of the day, just be there for her, and allow her to be there for you too. Don't pretend nothing is happening in either your life OR hers. As hard as it may be, don't treat her any different than you did before. Grief is VERY personal to each person, despite the stages, and so be flexible and open to what hits.

 

[waxing lyrical]

Date: 3/29/2010 2:27:33 PM
Author: RaiKai
Alright, well, I can say I had a similar experience. When I was younger, my boyfriend of five years died quite suddenly (he was two weeks shy of his 26th birthday, I was just shy of my 23rd). I have had other close people pass away as well, but, there is something very different about losing a ''life partner'' - especially at a young age as it is something not many of your peers have gone through (though, more than you might realize too...I have a friend whose husband died of a heart attack on their wedding night...3 hours following the reception - he was 32, and I know others with similar stories). We were very, very close and very good friends and it is one of those experiences that I believe has had a profound effect on who I am today.


There are lots of books out there about grieving and supporting someone in grief, but at the root of them all, the best thing I can say from experience is just to BE there, to listen, to be patient and to allow them to grieve as they need. No need for ''trite'' reminders about how there is a reason for everything, and that he is in a good place (I never welcomed these...). And don''t have expectations of where she will be ''at'' in the process, as grief does not fall a linear path, or a certain formula. Many will go back and forth through the ''stages of grief'', or spend an inordinate time in one over the other, or skip some altogether. Just accept her, as she is.


At the same time, I really advise not ''tip toeing'' around her. I can see reducing wedding talk if you do have concerns about her comfort, but also don''t make it a point to actively deny you are having a wedding, if that makes sense. It really bothered me when people acted ''different'' around me or toward me than they normally would or they pretended that life was not going on, or would also make sure not to mention my late boyfriend (I WANTED him mentioned, and to be talked about!). Yes, sure, sometimes I felt sad when I thought of what had changed in my life...but I did not want others to stop living THEIRS. I went to a wedding two weeks following my boyfriends death, and it was absolutely WONDERFUL for me, I had a great time, they were friends of his too, and it felt great to be part of the wedding even though my boyfriend could not be.


At the end of the day, just be there for her, and allow her to be there for you too. Don''t pretend nothing is happening in either your life OR hers. As hard as it may be, don''t treat her any different than you did before. Grief is VERY personal to each person, despite the stages, and so be flexible and open to what hits.

All wonderful advice, especially the bold parts.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 3/29/2010 2:27:33 PM
Author: RaiKai
Alright, well, I can say I had a similar experience. When I was younger, my boyfriend of five years died quite suddenly (he was two weeks shy of his 26th birthday, I was just shy of my 23rd). I have had other close people pass away as well, but, there is something very different about losing a ''life partner'' - especially at a young age as it is something not many of your peers have gone through (though, more than you might realize too...I have a friend whose husband died of a heart attack on their wedding night...3 hours following the reception - he was 32, and I know others with similar stories). We were very, very close and very good friends and it is one of those experiences that I believe has had a profound effect on who I am today.

There are lots of books out there about grieving and supporting someone in grief, but at the root of them all, the best thing I can say from experience is just to BE there, to listen, to be patient and to allow them to grieve as they need. No need for ''trite'' reminders about how there is a reason for everything, and that he is in a good place (I never welcomed these...). And don''t have expectations of where she will be ''at'' in the process, as grief does not fall a linear path, or a certain formula. Many will go back and forth through the ''stages of grief'', or spend an inordinate time in one over the other, or skip some altogether. Just accept her, as she is.

At the same time, I really advise not ''tip toeing'' around her. I can see reducing wedding talk if you do have concerns about her comfort, but also don''t make it a point to actively deny you are having a wedding, if that makes sense. It really bothered me when people acted ''different'' around me or toward me than they normally would or they pretended that life was not going on, or would also make sure not to mention my late boyfriend (I WANTED him mentioned, and to be talked about!). Yes, sure, sometimes I felt sad when I thought of what had changed in my life...but I did not want others to stop living THEIRS. I went to a wedding two weeks following my boyfriends death, and it was absolutely WONDERFUL for me, I had a great time, they were friends of his too, and it felt great to be part of the wedding even though my boyfriend could not be.

At the end of the day, just be there for her, and allow her to be there for you too. Don''t pretend nothing is happening in either your life OR hers. As hard as it may be, don''t treat her any different than you did before. Grief is VERY personal to each person, despite the stages, and so be flexible and open to what hits.

I''m sorry that you experienced such a personal loss, but I thank you for your candor. We have spoken freely about her FI, and that doesn''t tend to make her sad or emotional. Increasingly though, she gets emotional when I talk about wedding stuff. Honestly, it makes me feel horrible, but she just makes an excuse to get off the phone, never tries to make me feel bad about it. We both met our FI''s during college and were all close friends (our double date partners!). It does hit very close to home. I want her to be as comfortable as possible this week, so a temporary hiatus in my wedding talk might not be a bad idea. Maybe as much for me as for her.

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 3/29/2010 2:57:22 PM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 3/29/2010 2:27:33 PM

Author: RaiKai

Alright, well, I can say I had a similar experience. When I was younger, my boyfriend of five years died quite suddenly (he was two weeks shy of his 26th birthday, I was just shy of my 23rd). I have had other close people pass away as well, but, there is something very different about losing a 'life partner' - especially at a young age as it is something not many of your peers have gone through (though, more than you might realize too...I have a friend whose husband died of a heart attack on their wedding night...3 hours following the reception - he was 32, and I know others with similar stories). We were very, very close and very good friends and it is one of those experiences that I believe has had a profound effect on who I am today.


There are lots of books out there about grieving and supporting someone in grief, but at the root of them all, the best thing I can say from experience is just to BE there, to listen, to be patient and to allow them to grieve as they need. No need for 'trite' reminders about how there is a reason for everything, and that he is in a good place (I never welcomed these...). And don't have expectations of where she will be 'at' in the process, as grief does not fall a linear path, or a certain formula. Many will go back and forth through the 'stages of grief', or spend an inordinate time in one over the other, or skip some altogether. Just accept her, as she is.


At the same time, I really advise not 'tip toeing' around her. I can see reducing wedding talk if you do have concerns about her comfort, but also don't make it a point to actively deny you are having a wedding, if that makes sense. It really bothered me when people acted 'different' around me or toward me than they normally would or they pretended that life was not going on, or would also make sure not to mention my late boyfriend (I WANTED him mentioned, and to be talked about!). Yes, sure, sometimes I felt sad when I thought of what had changed in my life...but I did not want others to stop living THEIRS. I went to a wedding two weeks following my boyfriends death, and it was absolutely WONDERFUL for me, I had a great time, they were friends of his too, and it felt great to be part of the wedding even though my boyfriend could not be.


At the end of the day, just be there for her, and allow her to be there for you too. Don't pretend nothing is happening in either your life OR hers. As hard as it may be, don't treat her any different than you did before. Grief is VERY personal to each person, despite the stages, and so be flexible and open to what hits.

I'm sorry that you experienced such a personal loss, but I thank you for your candor. We have spoken freely about her FI, and that doesn't tend to make her sad or emotional. Increasingly though, she gets emotional when I talk about wedding stuff. Honestly, it makes me feel horrible, but she just makes an excuse to get off the phone, never tries to make me feel bad about it. We both met our FI's during college and were all close friends (our double date partners!). It does hit very close to home. I want her to be as comfortable as possible this week, so a temporary hiatus in my wedding talk might not be a bad idea. Maybe as much for me as for her.

No problem, and if I could expand a bit more on my experience and relate it a bit to what your friend MAY be going through and MAY go through.

I remember for me that it was quite painful to mourn what was no longer going to be. The "loss of the dream" so to speak, in addition to mourning the loss of my partner. For your friend, this may hit even more home as she was probably in the midst of wedding planning excitement. So, I imagine, that while it is not YOUR talking about wedding plans that directly upsets her, it does bring up in her that sense of loss for what she thought would be, that no longer is. With an intimate partner, this includes dreams of growing old together...and this is not how things have turned out to be for her. A lot has changed for her, and a lot more may. I found even friendships changed dramatically (i.e. shared friends) which was an entirely new adjustment altogether.

Not talking about wedding planning for a week is a great idea if you feel it will benefit the both of you.

Grief is a very peculiar, can feel very complicated, and is always a very personal thing. I can say that the grieving period was difficult because it also had me start my little "existential crisis" a little earlier in life than most of my peers, so I started feeling the true measure of uncertainty, the inevitability of death, etc. And, to make it worse, I had at the time lost my biggest confidante with whom I would talk to about those kinds of things in life!

As time goes on, she may also go through various forms of grief and guilt - guilt about dating, guilt about finding someone else, guilt about sometimes even appreciating how things turned out. There was a tremendous growth for me from my experience...and while I do of course wish my late partner was still alive as he was a wonderfully generous spirit (and hilarious as heck), I do not regret what came of it. It took me a while to accept that that was alright, and it took me a while to be able to say that I almost feel...blessed...by the experience. I would not be who I am today without it. My life would have taken a very different path....and I just cannot imagine my life being any different than it is as I feel blessed by it. I remember my late boyfriend fondly, for his imperfections as well, and the blissful youthful relationship we had together for most of it, but, I would not trade anything in for that back either. Sometimes, it was difficult for me to talk about that with others - particularly people I had a romantic interest in - as I felt like it would come across as callous or disrespectful or insensitive to either my late partner, or my new romantic interest...and it was not like that at all. My DH and I once had a long talk about my late boyfriend, and he shared that he had at one time worried he could never "measure up", but he realized through talking what that experience meant for me, and what HE (my now DH) meant to me, etc. I am very fortunate to have a wonderful DH who is curious and open to those sorts of discussions, and is very healthy with himself. But, it sure made dating previous to that difficult at times

It will take your friend a long time to get there. And some stumbles and falls. You may (though not necessarily!) see her making decisions that don't seem "right" to you (i.e. dating early, avoiding dating, not going to some public events (I could not go to funerals for a year or two after!), you may see her NOT cry at some things like talking about her fiance, but falling into tears at a song....just continue to BE there for her. Support her. Be honest with her about her decisions, but in a compassionate rather than critical way. I do hope she also talks to a professional in grief recovery - there are some groups out there for spouses, etc and young adults, etc that can be wonderful sources of support too.

 

[princesss]

I have absolutely no experience with this kind of loss, but I will say when my grandmother died the best thing anybody ever said to me was that I was allowed to feel whatever the heck I was feeling. I struggled a lot with guilt over my reaction, or was ashamed of breaking down over silly things, and often said, "I know I shouldn't feel like x, y, or z, but..." Finally BF's dad told me to stop being silly and trying to control how I was feeling, and just feel it. Just let go of what I thought grief should look like or be and just try to hang on and ride it out.

Just be there for her and let her know/remind her that there is no "should" or "shouldn't" in grief - only what is.

(And definitely walk the monuments! When my best friend came to VA when I was in school, we went up to DC for the weekend and spent a day just wandering the monuments. It's great because there's a lot to do and see, but there's also a lot of time to think if you want to, to relax, and just enjoy being together.)

 

[Kaleigh]

Just being there for her is what she needs. If she wants to talk, listen... Some people want to talk , some just want company but are more silent about how they are feeling.
FWIW I know you''ll be fine. And I think you are one great friend, she''s lucky to have you.

Are the Cherry Blossoms out yet?? If the rain ever stops, taking a nice walk by them would be fun. Mine are just about to bloom, but am in Philly.

 

[Callisto]

She is very lucky to have a friend like you.

I also have never been through anything near as painful as your friend, but everything everyone is saying sounds really good.

Just something else along the lines of not tip-toeing around her (not in terms of wedding talk but just in general) is for some reason if I feel like someone is actively trying to cheer me up it often makes me more upset because it reminds me of what I was upset about in the first place. Idk if your friend responds at all in the way I do but it might be something to keep an eye on throughout the week. For example if I am upset about something I often just want to do something totally normal like watch a movie with SO - if he starts acting silly (like unusually silly not just the normal jokester he is) to cheer me up I tend to get more upset. Backwards, I know but when I''m really upset I don''t want over the top attempts to cheer me up, I just want to get close to normal.

Hope that makes sense. I''m not in any way implying that sight seeing and what not are "over the top attempts to cheer her up" or anything like that. Just that if you think your friend may be anything like me beware of looking like you''re trying too hard, you know?

Enjoy your week with your friend! I''m sure DC is beautiful right now!

 

[HollyS]

No book will really tell you how to ''handle'' your friend.

Use a common sense and compassioniate approach; be ready to listen, ready with the Kleenex, and simply open to loving her wherever she is in her process of grieving. She probably doesn''t need or want more than that from you.

And be prepared to keep her busy, have activities planned, if you know she''d rather stay occupied.

 

[oddoneout]

I''m very sorry about your friends loss. I think it''s great you''re trying to help her out/support her. I agree with everyone else that just being there and doing things with her and talking is a good idea.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

I would say just to kind of go with the flow. I too lost a very significant other and sometimes I wanted to talk about it and sometimes I just wanted to put it in the back of my mind. I know I was just very numb for a long time so if she doesn''t smile a lot while you''re doing something fun, just know it''s not because of you or anything, it just is hard to feel happiness for awhile. I still say a little happy birthday on my old so''s birthday each year and hope he is having a great celebration in heaven (it''s a very easy birthday to remember as it is the day after mine, same year lol, otherwise I doubt I would really remember this)

 

[redfaerythinker]

Take your cues from her. Treat her like you would treat her as if nothing happened, but be attentive to the fact that she may want to talk about it. When my father died it was always really awkward when I knew people were expecting me to be a weepy mess. But I didn''t want to do that all the time. Most of the time I just wanted to feel normal, and since I was only 20, that was a hard thing to feel, esp. since none of my peers had lost parents. I felt like the proverbial pink elephant. So when you see her... hug her, say i''m so sorry, I''m here for you if you need me... and then let it go. Have fun, that''s what she''s there for after all. Good luck! And you are an amazing friend to be so caring and thoughtful.