Wedding Need advice again!

[Diva0413]

Hey all,

My mother and I keep going back and forth about something and it''s really bugging me. First, I have to say I''m thankful for her because when I first got engaged and started wedding planning, she insisted on footing the bill for everything. Her reasoning is that it will allow me to have the wedding I want instead of whatever ther rest of the family wants...

So I finally got my venue (yipee!!!!) and it''s beautiful. It''s a 25 acre estate in upstate New York with everything I need, including hotel accomodations. As a courtesy, the venue automatically holds up to 50 of its hotel rooms without penalty and we''re definitely going to need them (quite a few out of town guests). So here''s the part that''s bugging me... If our math is correct, we will probably use about 20 rooms for the night before and the night after the wedding. My mother thinks that she should foot the hotel bills for everyone that''s staying over and I disagree.

Now, there are certain people we agree on that should get their hotel stay paid for (immediate family, grandparents, and my FI''s parents), but I think everyone else should at least contribute something to the hotel bill (it''s about 200 bucks a night). She feels that she should pay for everyone so that when they leave, they''re not making complaints like this: "Oh, it was very lovely and we had a nice time, but we had to pay for a hotel..." The way I see it, especially for the out of town guests, if they are making they''re way to New York for the wedding, they are likely expecting to pay for a hotel, so why not let them? Am I looking at this the wrong way?

 

[neatfreak]

Will it be a hardship of any kind for your mom to pay? If she can well afford it and you think it''s just not necessary, just let her do it. Guests will appreciate it and it''ll make her happy.

If there is any question about whether she can afford it, then I would try and find an etiquette book or something that addresses this question and show her that it isn''t necessary. Because it isn''t necessary.

But it is a nice gesture.

 

[newbie124]

Date: 10/13/2008 9:14:41 AM
Author: neatfreak
Will it be a hardship of any kind for your mom to pay? If she can well afford it and you think it''s just not necessary, just let her do it. Guests will appreciate it and it''ll make her happy.


If there is any question about whether she can afford it, then I would try and find an etiquette book or something that addresses this question and show her that it isn''t necessary. Because it isn''t necessary.


But it is a nice gesture.

I agree. Very nice gesture but definitely not necessary, even for immediate family (although I think it''s great that she wants to help accommodate them). I would at least let guests know about one or two other hotels in the area, though, in case some guests want a more affordable option.

If your mom really wants to help cover some of the hotel costs, though, and you''d prefer everyone to be in one place, maybe she could just pay for part of the rooms and the hotel can charge your guests the remainder as sort of a "discounted" rate?

 

[Diva0413]

Date: 10/13/2008 9:26:05 AM
Author: newbie124

Date: 10/13/2008 9:14:41 AM
Author: neatfreak
Will it be a hardship of any kind for your mom to pay? If she can well afford it and you think it''s just not necessary, just let her do it. Guests will appreciate it and it''ll make her happy.


If there is any question about whether she can afford it, then I would try and find an etiquette book or something that addresses this question and show her that it isn''t necessary. Because it isn''t necessary.


But it is a nice gesture.

I agree. Very nice gesture but definitely not necessary, even for immediate family (although I think it''s great that she wants to help accommodate them). I would at least let guests know about one or two other hotels in the area, though, in case some guests want a more affordable option.

If your mom really wants to help cover some of the hotel costs, though, and you''d prefer everyone to be in one place, maybe she could just pay for part of the rooms and the hotel can charge your guests the remainder as sort of a ''discounted'' rate?

Thank you both!!!

Yeah, I agree that we don''t have to. That''s why rather than shut down the idea, I thought that''s why I wanted to subsidize that cost. Maybe they pay half and her and I pay in the other half; she wants to pay for all. At least our disagreements are cordial.

To answer the question, she can afford to foot the bill, but I think I''m more concerned about finances than she is. What I mean is, is that I don''t want the bill to be too ginormous, especially with the way things are going in the economy.

 

[somehowcollide]

Diva0413, we are going to have many out of town guests attending our wedding. Both FI and my parents have generously agreed to divide the cost of the wedding. Both sides have decided to pay for lodging for only closest family members, particularly the elderly and those who would not be able to afford it otherwise. For the rest of our wedding guest, we have made arrangements with nearby hotels at several different price points. Our guests will receive a discounted rate at any of the facilities they choose to stay at.

I think it is incredibly generous of your mother to pay the bill for everyone''s stay at your wedding facility. I would totally enjoy attending a wedding like that! However, I also do think that it is a bit extravagant and unnecessary. Like you, I would be against it if it were my mother''s money.

Hotel stays at an out of town wedding are a cost that most guests expect to incur, at least it is in my circle. Among the weddings that you and your mother attend, is the norm for the bride and groom to take care of lodging expenses?

 

[Sabine]

Let me ask you this...if your mom did NOT foot the bill, would you be upset if guests chose to stay at a different hotel? It sounded to me like you want all your guests to stay at this spot. It''s fine to expect that if your mom is paying, but if she isn''t (and while I think it''s extremely generous for her to offer, it definitely isn''t necessary or expected), while you can suggests that guests stay there, they may choose to stay somewhere else. It''s been my experience that some people make wacky decisions about stuff like this (staying 20 miles away because they just HAVE to stay at a certain place, or wanting to use traveling points at certain chains).

 

[Diva0413]

Date: 10/13/2008 10:04:44 AM
Author: somehowcollide
Diva0413, we are going to have many out of town guests attending our wedding. Both FI and my parents have generously agreed to divide the cost of the wedding. Both sides have decided to pay for lodging for only closest family members, particularly the elderly and those who would not be able to afford it otherwise. For the rest of our wedding guest, we have made arrangements with nearby hotels at several different price points. Our guests will receive a discounted rate at any of the facilities they choose to stay at.

I think it is incredibly generous of your mother to pay the bill for everyone''s stay at your wedding facility. I would totally enjoy attending a wedding like that! However, I also do think that it is a bit extravagant and unnecessary. Like you, I would be against it if it were my mother''s money.

Hotel stays at an out of town wedding are a cost that most guests expect to incur, at least it is in my circle. Among the weddings that you and your mother attend, is the norm for the bride and groom to take care of lodging expenses?

Thanks somehowcollide. Well, of the weddings I''ve attended that require travel, I''ve always paid for my own hotel. And I''ve told her that, but she''s not budging from this one.

 

[Diva0413]

Date: 10/13/2008 10:34:22 AM
Author: Sabine
Let me ask you this...if your mom did NOT foot the bill, would you be upset if guests chose to stay at a different hotel? It sounded to me like you want all your guests to stay at this spot. It''s fine to expect that if your mom is paying, but if she isn''t (and while I think it''s extremely generous for her to offer, it definitely isn''t necessary or expected), while you can suggests that guests stay there, they may choose to stay somewhere else. It''s been my experience that some people make wacky decisions about stuff like this (staying 20 miles away because they just HAVE to stay at a certain place, or wanting to use traveling points at certain chains).

No, I wouldn''t be upset at all. As a matter of fact, there''s at least 3 other hotels in the area that people can stay at. It was just convenient to stay at the hotel on the premises, especially since their pricing is competitive and required no travel arrangements. According to my mother, it didn''t matter where they stayed, it sounded like she wanted to pay no matter what. And I didn''t want to sound like I was being mean or rude, but to be honest, I didn''t think she should pay for anyone''s hotel. Still sort of feel that way.

 

[Shoopy]

I''m new to this whole wedding stuff but I have never heard of guests expecting the bride/groom to pay the hotel bill.

I think that what you should do is provide your guests with options. Do research on 5 to 6 hotels in different price ranges and give them that information. Then the guests can decide what they are comfortable spending.

And if they don''t wnat to pay for their own hotel room, they can either stay with family or not go.

 

[bee*]

I''ve never heard of a couple paying for all the guests accomodations before but if your mom is happy to do it and can afford to, then I''d let her. I''d be much more like you and I think that it''s unneccessary.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

My father has a lot of pride over his money (I dunno if your mom is the same way, but my dad definitely is) and he absolutely insisted on paying for lodging at my sister''s wedding which was at a gorgeous ranch up in the Rockie mountains in the fall. Not only did he pay for rooms, he paid for cabins. He would not budge and we knew he had the means to do it so rather than fight it we just let him do it. Other guests who wanted to stay at other hotels in the area did in a town close to the wedding and just paid for those themselves. Hope this helps somehow.

 

[Gypsy]

200 a night, for 50 rooms? Wow. Yeah, um. I think it''s a lovely gesture, an amazingly generous one in fact. I would try to negotiate a lower rate with the hotel as a result though. This way it''s guaranteed money, and you can work out payment arrangements with them directly, and so forth. I agree your subsidy thing though. But then again, it''s your wedding and she''s excited, and if she can afford it, then it''s her choice.

 

[sugarjo]

My FF and I have traveled (in and out of state) to attend about 5 weddings together. One of us stood up in each except one, and we''ve paid for hotels and airline tickets.
When guests see that a wedding is out town, they will assume they will have to pay for accommodation. FF and I did, and had such a wonderful time at each and everyone of these weddings, we would not have assumed the hosts would pay, and we certainly did not leave disgruntled.

 

[Diva0413]

Date: 10/13/2008 8:53:05 PM
Author: Gypsy
200 a night, for 50 rooms? Wow. Yeah, um. I think it''s a lovely gesture, an amazingly generous one in fact. I would try to negotiate a lower rate with the hotel as a result though. This way it''s guaranteed money, and you can work out payment arrangements with them directly, and so forth. I agree your subsidy thing though. But then again, it''s your wedding and she''s excited, and if she can afford it, then it''s her choice.

Definitely. As a matter of fact, there are a couple of other brand name hotels down the road and I''m going to see what their rates are like. Maybe use that as leverage for my venue so they can lower their prices.

 

[Diva0413]

Date: 10/13/2008 11:03:29 PM
Author: sugarjo
My FF and I have traveled (in and out of state) to attend about 5 weddings together. One of us stood up in each except one, and we''ve paid for hotels and airline tickets.
When guests see that a wedding is out town, they will assume they will have to pay for accommodation. FF and I did, and had such a wonderful time at each and everyone of these weddings, we would not have assumed the hosts would pay, and we certainly did not leave disgruntled.

See? I thought so. Of the few times I''ve had to pay for a hotel, it didn''t come across my mind either that the host family should pay. Maybe I should let my Mom reads these posts so she can see that it''s not necessary.

 

[luvthemstrawberries]

I''ve heard of it done both ways, even in etiquette books. And I''m nowhere near that far in my planning yet, so I can''t say what we''re going to do for our OOT guests, but I certainly don''t think in this day and time that people should expect the host to foot the accommodations. We''re in absolutely no sort of state to even be able to offer that to our guests at all, so while I think it''s nice and people would appreciate it, I think it''s a lot of money thrown out the window. I''d say let people pay unless you know of one family coming or something that you really want there but may not be able to come unless you assist - and silently help them out.

On a side note - how cool is it that at least your disagreement IS cordial?

It''s nice that that''s the least of your worries!