Home My teenage sister is pregnant

[House Cat]

Little bit of background: I have no contact with my biological father and his wife because they were heavy drug users when I was young. Although they are clean now, they still possess all of the personality traits of drug users, so I don''t choose to have them in my life. However, I do have contact with their daughter, my sister.

She''s just turned 17. I just found out yesterday that she''s pregnant. She and I hadn''t talked in a while (she lives in OK, I live in CA,) so she''s actually 24 weeks along and married. I am utterly heartbroken for her. I heard through the grapevine (of the family) that my bio-dad and step-mother allowed her to drop out of high school!!! I''m horrified.

Now, I''m not sitting here on a judgemental high horse. I was a pretty young mom with my first (20.) But I''m just trying to find the words...the supportive words for her, I guess? I''m sure she''s heard all of the judgement already. I think she probably needs support now. How to guide this little girl? I know that the road she''s embarking on is so, so tough.

Yes, adoption has already gone through my head. I think she''s determined to do this. There''s probably no convincing her, although I wish there were.

I''ve already emailed her, but plan to call her tomorrow or the next day. I just want to help her...handle this wisely, because it sounds like the idiot adults in her life have not.

She''s very strong willed and kind of difficult to deal with..and I''m fully aware that I"m not a miracle worker...I don''t know. Any suggestions?

 

[hlmr]

Contact her, tell her you care, ask her how she is feeling about being pregnant. Perhaps she will open up to you.

 

[Dreamer_D]

You were only three years older than her, so she may actually listen if you call and say, "Hey, I''ve been there, this is how I felt... how are you feeling?" We both know those three years make a huge difference, but she won''t know that. To her, anything you say could be coming from someone who has actually been in her shoes! So you could actually have an influence. Tread lightly and you could really do some good.

 

[swingirl]

Why don''t you invite her out for a visit? She''ll get to see first hand what it''s like to have a baby around, hopefully learn some mothering tips from you and you''ll have a chance to connect as adults. If she is set on keeping the baby and is already married the best thing you can do is accept her choice and develop a relationship with her so she''ll come to you with questions and support. Don''t dwell on her age, you think 17 is too young, I think 20 is too young. Plenty of women have babies young and make it through, it''s tough but doable.

How old is the dad? Don''t expect he''ll stick around for long. Encourage her to finish high school because she''ll most likely need to work.

 

[Kaleigh]

Speak from the heart, you have experience, you know what you are talking about. LISTEN to her, she's going to have all sorts of feelings, I'm sure. This doesn't have to be sovled in a day. But laying the groundwork for what ever she decides wll be set at some point. She will have to weigh her options , and you can help her in that process. I feel for you, and feel for her. I hope you can give her some comfort in the days ahead as you face this together...

HUGS!!!

 

[TravelingGal]

Ay, I don''t have any advice because teenage pregnancy strikes an irrational fear in my heart. I just wanted to add my support and wishes that you will be able to be a comfort to your sister.

 

[Haven]

Date: 6/29/2009 11:00:33 PM
Author: dreamer_dachsie
You were only three years older than her, so she may actually listen if you call and say, ''Hey, I''ve been there, this is how I felt... how are you feeling?'' We both know those three years make a huge difference, but she won''t know that. To her, anything you say could be coming from someone who has actually been in her shoes! So you could actually have an influence. Tread lightly and you could really do some good.

Yes, I agree.

Just knowing that you are there to support her will likely go a long way.

 

[Sabine]

I agree with those who suggested first trying to develop a bit more of a relationship so that you can be there for her by starting with just listening and sharing your own experiences.

Maybe eventually you could try to convince her to get her GED as that would keep her out of the limelight of being pregnant in high school and having to miss out on all the fun she''d see her friends going through, but would allow her to have one more brick of security towards her future.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Sorry to hear this. Just be there for her. You can relate b/c 20 is young to have a baby as well. I am sure she is scared and confused. BTW have you ever attended al-anon to help with your dad''s previous behavior/addiction issues?

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Wow.

I''m guessing since she married this boyfriend that she plans on having this baby--and since the deed is done, I don''t think "convincing" her otherwise is probably the right stance to take. I think being "supportive" and "helpful" is the better approach. I''m not a parent, so I cannot speak when it comes to examples...but letting her know that being a Mom is more than just having a baby.

On a side note...my SIL had her daughter when she was 16 (meaning, she was pregnant at 15)...she also had another child a short 5 years later. I know for a fact that she married the father of her children when she was very young and had her little family with him, but eventually divorced and eventually met and married my DH''s brother several years later. My SIL has gone on to do wonderful things with her life since becoming a teen mom...she is an art teacher with a masters degree, owns a lovely home, is happily married...and most importantly, she''s a good mom. Her children are happy, contributing members of society...her daughter is a teacher getting her masters, her son is still in college and doing well. She is well traveled, they aren''t "struggling", and she''s just a happy woman over all--always smiling. Now, I''m not saying she probably didn''t have some mean and lean years...but I didn''t know her back then so I can assume, but can guess, that it wasn''t always easy to be a parent so young. But she has managed to pull it together and gotten past any of the hardships she may have encountered.

I am certainly not condoning teenage pregnancy, and can honestly say it''s not something I''d "encourage or want" for anyone based off of one story with a happy ending, I mean my SIL is certainly the exception not the rule when it comes to this. But I think my SIL did so well because she had a strong support system of people who were willing to love her unconditionally, and help when they could. So if you can be that for your sister now, even from a distance, she''s got a fighting chance.

 

[Maisie]

I know how you are feeling. I just found out my 15 year old niece is pregnant. I don''t know how to react or what to say. I feel sad and sick for the loss of her childhood.

 

[somethingshiny]

First off, CONGRATULATIONS! Babies are reasons to rejoice! I understand your heartbreak for her, and feel a bit of it myself, but don''t let that color your view of the fact that a baby is being born! She is probably feeling more than a little stupid/irresponsible/scared, so as others have said, let her know you''re there and ask how she''s doing.

One of my little sisters was about 19 when she got pregnant. She felt like she HAD to marry the father and less than 3 yrs later is going through an ugly divorce. So, please make sure that she can talk to you about the marital issues as well as the pregnancy issues.

I''m glad that you''re choosing to be a responsible adult in this young woman''s life. You could give her the strength for all the things that she needs to do now.

 

[VegasAngel]

I agree that supporting her is the best thing to do. I would however take the opportunity to stress how important it is to finish school-These days a lot of schools have daycares has she looked into that I wonder?

 

[Logan Sapphire]

My sister-in-law was pregnant at 14 and 17. She did end up getting her GED and has definitely completed enough credits to graduate from college, though she never did since they moved around a lot. She''s been married to my brother-in-law for 15 years, and they went on to have two more kids. It''s an unenviable position to be in, that''s for sure. Hope you can support your sis in the best way. Good luck!

 

[teapot]

I agree with Italia.

The best thing to do is to listen to her and encourage her to make good decisions. Trying to convince her to do anything will drive her away.

 

[House Cat]

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for the support and advice. My perspective is changed in the sense that I think I was originally going to sit down with her with all kinds of things to SAY, and now, I will just listen.

In respect to the age difference between she and I having babies, 3 yrs isn''t much difference at all. Looking back, I wasn''t prepared at all. I thought I was, but the older I get, the less I know. I really have a pretty jaded view on very young women having children because I did struggle so much. I was very devoted to my child though. Everything I did, I did for him. I wasn''t mourning the loss of my childhood, I was taking parenting seriously. I felt I had a lot to prove. My son, he''s a good boy.

So, yes, listening! I will help her out with what I can as long as I can provide a positive spin. We''ve talked and she sounds very sad and full of shame. I''m thinking these feelings aren''t going to help her be an effective mother. She''s got enough stacked up against her. I''ve been looking at flights, but I''m not sure if she can fly or not? I would like to have her over for a visit.

In regards to my bio-dad, I haven''t been to alanon. I''ve had very little contact with him throughout my life. I have a step-dad that''s been there for me for more than 30 years. That is my dad. I know that I might greatly benefit from alanon at some point, but I''m currently working on more pertinent issues and I honestly have no intention of ever having contact with my bio-dad.

And thank you for the positive stories! They were an unexpected glimmer of hope!

 

[sparklyheart]

I know you already talked to her but I just wanted to chime in!

In my line of work I see many teen moms who are EXCELLENT moms. Yes, they are young and naive (well maybe not anymore) and still have so much to learn.. But many are determined to prove all of those judgmental adults wrong, because that is what teenagers live to do, right?? The fact that she has made the decision to keep the baby and stay with the dad (and he with her) says a lot. There are so many girls out there giving themselves abortions, running away, or worse.. It is refreshing to see her stand up and take responsibility. At this point, she needs so much support. You said she sounds sad which is normal for a 17 year old who is facing all of this. Her life is completely changed. As for the marriage.. will it work? Who knows. It''s too late now though to tell her whether or not she messed that up. All you and the family can do are support her emotionally and be there when you can. She may truly appreciate a trip to see you or you coming to see her (without telling your dad??). She''s got to be scared to death about all of this, especially if she doesn''t have friends in the same situation.

It can''t hurt to remind her about school. Even though school + baby will be hard, just remind her that it will be the best thing for her baby in the end. Also, after the baby is born, slip her a pamphlet about Mirena or something similar.. birth control x 5 years might help her out if she is already so upset about her current situation.

Best of luck to her and to you when handling to situation!

 

[allycat0303]

I''m sorry for her House Cat. I really do think that if she has decided to keep the baby, there is nothing more invaluable then her family to support her. I think many of us see this is disasterous, but I really believe it is what she will make of it. I met a girl in medical school that had her baby at 17 years old. Alone. No family support. She was from a very low income family, and managed to put herself through college AND medical school. She was an astoundingly terrific mother. So it taught me that teenage pregnancy can have a wonderful outcome. You wrote that she is married? I hope that the guy will be able to lend a helping hand. It''s such a difficult situation, but I hope for the best for all of you.

 

[LilyKat]

House Cat, I agree that listening to her is the way to go. Find out how she is feeling and what she wants. It may well be that she has heard so much commiseration, "how awful for you" etc, that what she really wants is someone to be happy for her and positive and excited that a baby is being born (seeing as it is already a done deal). Or she might want to hear how you felt and dealt with a similar situation.

Just make sure she knows that you are there for her and support her whatever choices she makes.

 

[sunkist]

Hi Housecat, glad you are feeling better about your sister. You did say she is married. Was she married when she got pregnant? I think it is sad that her father let her get married so young which sort of put her more apt to be in this situation, but if she was already married to this guy then I think there is more chance of them staying together as mom and dad and raising their new child. There is a lot less possibility that young people staying together when then get married because they made a child. Anyways, I hope they can learn to be good parents. And you keeping in contact with her now can I''m sure provide her with a good example. Good luck!

 

[Courtneylub]

My mother had me when she was 17. Her mother wanted me aborted and my dad''s mother fought for me to be born. My mother turned out to be a pretty good mother, but of course made some mistakes along the way. She had to leave my father when I was 6 which was best for her and me. She is so strong today because of going through that and I''m glad she didn''t give me up for adoption or worse! Just thought I''d share my experience.

Good luck to your sister.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

HC, listening is always good. Just for reference al-anon will help you improve ALL your relationships NOT just the one with the addict. It really is a wonderful program. That''s awesome you have a wonderful relationship with your step-dad!

 

[House Cat]

Thanks for more positive stories! I do hope that my sister will get determined. I gently mentioned getting her GED. There was no response to the comment. I''m sure she has too much on her mind now. I know she has time. I also know that once the baby is born and things are settled, I will show her that she can get her GED and that she can qualify for all of the financial aid in the world in order to go to college. Most community colleges have childcare that are income based. I''m hoping, maybe, to inspire her. Education is big with me, but I will do this gently. I''m not so gentle with my kids, they know college is a must! But, she isn''t my daughter................

To answer the question, she got married because she got pregnant. I''m not quite sure why or how that happened. I haven''t asked. I''m not sure I want to.

Tacori, thanks. Alanon is in my future. I just don''t have the time with being a SAHM to 4, being a student, and a few other things going on. I honestly don''t have time for myself right now.