Wedding MY MIL is #$%'' ( NO Words )

[dragonfly411]

I wouldn''t let her affect my good day. Enjoy your wedding and know that it will itch her that you do despite her anticks

 

[swimmer]

Crystalheart,
Passive aggression is so hard to deal with! My MIL asked what the colors would be, I said, pink, blue, purple, wear pretty much anything but orange or red and you will be great. She then asked me the same question in two additional phone calls. I called my SIL to see what was up with that and, yup, MIL had purchased a tangerine cotton/hemp jumper to wear to a rather formal evening event. SIL pointed out to her for me that the formal purply blue dress the BS were wearing would make the orange dress look like an NFL color scheme...and I added in that a casual sundress might be chilly at night... She purchased another dress with SIL supervising (and now wears the orange number for gardening!). Do you have an ally in this? Sometimes its just treating the symptoms, the underlying disease is far too difficult to combat... Diamondfan has decades of fighting that uphill battle. As you said, it does go far beyond dress choices ...

 

[musey]

Date: 9/10/2008 2:15:22 PM
Author: TheBigT
I didn''t even know we were allowed to tell the mothers what to wear!!

That''s not something my mother or FMIL would ask me about, I think . . . they don''t (nor should they!) feel an obligation to ''match'' the wedding colors.

I didn''t know until the photographers told me. It''s apparently (supposedly?) very important as far as photo composition. Though it must be a very widely known concept, otherwise my FMIL would never have thought to ask (she only knows the very obvious stuff re: weddings).

They don''t have to ''match,'' but if they''re going to be in 75% of the posed pics, it is logical that they shouldn''t clash or look inappropriate. After all, they are (as far as photography is concerned) considered to be part of the wedding party.

Some people would be bothered by clashing colors in their photos, and some wouldn''t.

 

[marchswallowbird]

For me, it''s an issue of I don''t get along that well with my mom, I''m an older bride anyway, she lives in a different state, and she and I have COMPLETELY different tastes in clothes. Plus she isn''t well off financially and is having to spend a fairly significant amount just to attend my wedding. I will probably give her a range of preferred color choices and some style suggestions, since she''s already asked for those, but otherwise I''m going to be very hands off and let her wear what she wants.

I think I''ve met my future MIL a total of three times and I would never in a million years dream of telling her what to wear. Especially since she''s already quite put out that FI and I don''t have enough room to invite her brother (FI''s uncle) to the wedding.

The photos that will be most important to me are the ones of me and FH, so if everyone else clashes, well, c''est la vie.

 

[diamondfan]

Some people want all things to be about them.

They want drama and seek attention and thrive on it, and need to manufacture it to feel good.

This is who she is.

Sad, but just know it and deal accordingly.

 

[Independent Gal]

I completely feel you on the passive-aggresive thing, and this post is to try to show what her side of things might possibly be, because if the two of you don't stop the downward spiral of being pissed at each other... only bad things will come out it.

Most women, and probably particularly women as they get older, are sensitive about their appearance, and the more you can make MIL comfortable doing what she needs to do to feel beautiful, the better. I know that I'm probably in the minority on this since it seems lots of people do tell their relatives what to wear to the wedding, but personally, if my future daughter in law told me what colour to wear so that I would match the tablecloths and the decor, and particularly if I didn't feel beautiful in that colour (or those colours) I'd be very annoyed, and might act passive aggresive too.

I know it's common practice, but if you two have a spiral of anger and passive aggression going on between you, it's possible that this exacerbated things.

In terms of the anti-semitic comment, I guess it totally depends on her tone and other things she's said! But that's not in itself an anti-semitic thing to say. Is it possible she meant "This is culturally acceptable for you, but in my culture wearing black has a completely different meaning and I am not comfortable doing that." If she meant that, but said it in a snarky tone, it might have been because her perception was that YOU were not being culturally sensitive to HER strongly felt tradition: that black is a colour of mourning. For you to suggest that she wear black would be like her telling you she'd like to offer pork as an option at your rehearsal dinner (if your family keeps kosher).

Jumping to the conclusion that she is anti-semitic because she pointed out that Jews wear black to weddings whereas in some other cultures including hers that is not culturally acceptable is only going to make things worse. It doesn't mean that she hates Jews or harbors prejudice against Jewish people, which is what it means to be anti-semitic. It just means that she doesn't share, and maybe even doesn't like this custom. Sure, she may still be anti-semitic, but that comment was not itself anti-semitic.

Are there no customs in her culture that you dislike? Does it mean that you are anti-whatever-she-is?

Just trying to give you another perspective here because it sounds like you two are cycling out of control. In other words, I completely get that she's being aggressive and hostile. But she may be interpreting your behaviour and requests as aggressive and inconsiderate too.

Hence, the cycle downward continues.

Best to stop it now!

ETA: I thought what my MIL wore to my wedding was truly hideous. I also thought it was none of my business.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 9/14/2008 10:35:15 AM
Author: Independent Gal
I completely feel you on the passive-aggresive thing, and this post is to try to show what her side of things might possibly be, because if the two of you don''t stop the downward spiral of being pissed at each other... only bad things will come out it.

Most women, and probably particularly women as they get older, are sensitive about their appearance, and the more you can make MIL comfortable doing what she needs to do to feel beautiful, the better. I know that I''m probably in the minority on this since it seems lots of people do tell their relatives what to wear to the wedding, but personally, if my future daughter in law told me what colour to wear so that I would match the tablecloths and the decor, and particularly if I didn''t feel beautiful in that colour (or those colours) I''d be very annoyed, and might act passive aggresive too.

I know it''s common practice, but if you two have a spiral of anger and passive aggression going on between you, it''s possible that this exacerbated things.

In terms of the anti-semitic comment, I guess it totally depends on her tone and other things she''s said! But that''s not in itself an anti-semitic thing to say. Is it possible she meant ''This is culturally acceptable for you, but in my culture wearing black has a completely different meaning and I am not comfortable doing that.'' If she meant that, but said it in a snarky tone, it might have been because her perception was that YOU were not being culturally sensitive to HER strongly felt tradition: that black is a colour of mourning. For you to suggest that she wear black would be like her telling you she''d like to offer pork as an option at your rehearsal dinner (if your family keeps kosher).

Jumping to the conclusion that she is anti-semitic because she pointed out that Jews wear black to weddings whereas in some other cultures including hers that is not culturally acceptable is only going to make things worse. It doesn''t mean that she hates Jews or harbors prejudice against Jewish people, which is what it means to be anti-semitic. It just means that she doesn''t share, and maybe even doesn''t like this custom. Sure, she may still be anti-semitic, but that comment was not itself anti-semitic.

Are there no customs in her culture that you dislike? Does it mean that you are anti-whatever-she-is?

Just trying to give you another perspective here because it sounds like you two are cycling out of control. In other words, I completely get that she''s being aggressive and hostile. But she may be interpreting your behaviour and requests as aggressive and inconsiderate too.

Hence, the cycle downward continues.

Best to stop it now!

ETA: I thought what my MIL wore to my wedding was truly hideous. I also thought it was none of my business.

I attempted to post in this thread twice to say exactly what Indy has, minus her ETA (when DH and I were married MIL was 87 and had late stage Alzheimers, I chose her outfit with the help of her friend because she wasn''t capable of doing so and she looked lovely, as did my mom who picked her own outfit with no input from me, it was off-white). Having lost my MIL 8 months after DH and I were married these threads about fighting over decor, involvement, color schemes, etc. with mothers-in-law tug at my heart strings because I would do anything to have her here, and probaby occasionally getting on my nerves, and involved in our life as couple because for all her faults she was an amazing, strong, intelligent woman who raised my husband, her son, to be the man he is.

You are going to be entangled with her for a long time to come, and there are going to be many things you don''t agree on, but for the sake of your marriage could you perhaps try to seek out the good in her (make a list!) as opposed to being angry, especially about things that don''t really matter in the grand scheme.

 

[NYCsparkle]

honestly in the grand scheme of things you won''t give a rats a@@ if someone wears a tutu on their head at your wedding. laugh it off and enjoy the rest of your planning. you can''t control every detail---and be happy your FMIL only has a say in what she wears. that day is about you and her son and trust me tahts all you will really care about once the wedding starts.

 

[jewelerman]

I agree with diamond fan...dont get stuck on the drama...the women will get a bit in the behind for the drama queen statement...while all the other people in the wedding party will show you support by matching their wordrobe to your colors,she will stick out like a sore thumb for the decision to wear blue and she will look silly...her attempt to make you look bad will back fire.

 

[crystalheart1]

Thanks for all you different perspectives of this situation
My main vent was Why ask something if you have no intention of doing it ?
She approached me with the question of what to wear, so Please do not get the idea that I tried to "Tell" her what to wear. I was not even going to say anything about this until she Asked me...
I also told her to wear any color she saw that she felt comfortable with... I just told her wearing Blue might Clash with
everyone elses Black. Yes JM .. you are very correct in your remarks

Also, My future MIL has a history of telling people she was left out of things. I am hoping she does not use this as one of those situations by saying her dress did not match the other family members as she was not TOLD...

For all of those who understood my post THANKS...

Also the remark she made about my religion and wearing black to a wedding was made in a Snarky - sarcastic way.

She is not religious, so it is not against her Cultural...

 

[pjean]

Date: 9/10/2008 2:25:53 PM
Author: swimmer
She purchased another dress with SIL supervising (and now wears the orange number for gardening!).

Ha! She bought it to wear to your wedding, but gardening is plan B... LOL!