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Wedding My man of honor is dissappointing me!

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blissfulbride

blissfulbride

Shiny_Rock
Joined
May 9, 2008
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485
He is my best friend, and he just told me that he won''t be coming with me or the bridesmaids dress shopping. I have no family in New york and I really wanted him to be there for support. He was never really into the whole idea, but we talked about this before and he agreed to come only to change his mind now. I guess he just said he would come to shut me up. Now im a bit nervous because he isnt a man of his word. He took this role knowing with it entailed and now he is letting me down.


What should I do and say to him? I called him yesterday and he didnt pick up. I''m so upset right now !
 
Well, since this is the man who is standing by your side on one of the most important days of your life, I would say you need to voice your discontent with him. I know that picking out BM dresses might not be the way he envisions spending an afternoon, but he should be there for you, especially if he already said he would. Tell him what you told us - you don't have any family around and you need him there, if just for support.

ETA: If he didn't answer your call yesterday, I would honestly send him a text and let him know that you're upset and need to talk to him. You can ignore a phone call, you can't ignore a text, you know?
 
My advice might be unpopular, but you have had a lot of warning signs already that he''s jut not that into this. I can understand that from your perspective it''s an honor that you are bestowing on your best friend. He doesn''t seem to see it the same way though, and has been trying to tell you that. I think that you should give him an out before it goes any further or else you are setting yourself up to have a lot of disappointments.
 
I Think im going to send him a long email to his blackberry. Theres something about seeing something in writing. He is really excited about the wedding and he did come with me on the show say yes to the dress to find my dress.
 
this is the email i sent, what do u think ?


I called you yesterday, because we really need to talk.

About a couple of weeks ago we had dinner together, and I told you how important it was to me to have you by my side during the whole wedding process. As you already know I have no family here to support me, so I am pretty much depending on you. Your the one who always tells me I''m your sister, and that your my family. I remember us compromising by you saying that you would come dress shopping with me if you didn''t have to make a speech, and we agreed on that. I took that as your word !



To you this my not be a big deal, but it me it is. As my best friend you should be here for me even if it''s something you don''t want to do as a favor to me. You don''t even have to stay long I promise. Just an hour tops !



can I really depend, and rely on you, because now I''m getting little worried? The wedding is coming soon, and up until yesterday I thought I had the best person in my world to have by my side on my special day. Now I''m getting concerned, and I hate feeling like this with you. I am well aware that you are a man, but that shouldn''t matter.You are going to be surrounded by women during this whole time.There are going to be things that you don''t want to do, but you took this role knowing that im going to need you.



Please don''t disappoint me


Love
 
I think it''s a good representation of your feelings without being mean about it. You''re not being bridezilla by demanding him be there, you just want him to stick to his word.

I hope everything works out for you!
 
Wow. Pressure with a side of guilt anyone?

Look I get it. Brides expect their MOH to do certain things for them and with them. I’m going through that with my bridelizard borderline bridezilla. However, what you have to understand is that the world does not revolve around you and your wedding day. There are going to be tasks that he will be available to do and tasks that he will not be able to. Saying yes to being the MOH is not the same as saying yes to being the wedding planner. You are supposed to pick a MOH that you want standing next to you on your day. Anything that the MOH does beyond standing next to you makes that person that much more awesome. ETA: I also understand that he told you he would be there for the BM dress shopping but now he can't. That's life. Or is he not allowed to have one?

If he responds to that email with love and compassion then he deserves a big ole kiss and an even bigger drink.
 
I don''t think this is about guilt, or even making his life revolve around her day.

Plain and simple - he said he would be there because they''re like family.

Now he''s not going to be there, for no apparent reason.

I''m sorry, I don''t think she''s expecting him to drop everything for her - honestly, if my MOH (male or female) made a commitment to me and it was broken, I would be upset, especially if that person was my best friend and there was no family around. He just dropped it, it''s not like he said to reschedule because he has a life too.

I agree with the statement of not everyone cares as much about your wedding as you do, but this isn''t about that. It''s about a broken promise and hurt feelings.
 
But is it really that serious that she would question the friendship?

Look at it from the other POV. What if you were the MOH and you decided that sitting to check out BM dresses wasn''t really something you wanted to do so you called the bride to cancel. You know it isn''t the greatest thing in the world but you also know you''ve been there for her before and you''ll continue to be there for her during the rest of the wedding planning. This is your best friend and you know she''ll be disappointed but she''ll understand.

And then you get an email that says "can I really depend, and rely on you, because now I''m getting little worried?" What happened to the rest of the relationship and everything that you have done so far to prove that you are dependable.

This does in fact come down to him being a guy. For me, as a current MOH, going BM dress shopping was the most fun I''ve had during the whole wedding planning. But I''m a girl. I like to see girls prance around in beautiful dresses and talking about what shoes will match. For a guy, its actually kind of painful.

But that''s just me. If he is a really good friend then he''ll understand her email better than I could and will pull through.
 
Sorry, if this was shopping for YOUR dress I'd understand.

But this is going BM shopping with, I presume, the bridesmaids.

If the BMs are there, why do you need the poor guy to come along too?
 
Date: 9/9/2008 10:12:54 AM
Author: Pandora II
Sorry, if this was shopping for YOUR dress I''d understand.

But this is going BM shopping with, I preume the bridesmaids.

If the BMs are there, why do you need the poor guy to come along too?
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I agree. He doesn''t want to go dress shopping with a bunch of girls for their dresses. I''d give him a break on this one. Are you hoping to get opinons from him on the dresses? Do you trust his opinon about dresses? Is that what this is about?
 
I get the other side of the story, because I've been in the wedding party many, many times.

I understand that it might not be serious enough to question the friendship, but perhaps there's more that we're not hearing? It's tricky to give advice on this type of situation when you don't know the whole backstory.

And, with him being a guy, it's probably not something he's looking forward to, and I can understand that as well. Sometimes, true colors come out when weddings are involved. It's a tough situation.

We, as brides, can't expect everyone to be as excited as we are about everything revolving around our weddings. We also can't expect the world of our bridal parties because they do only have a few things they're "expected" to do. But, I've had several friends that ended up questioning their relationships with their MOH because they were let down one too many times, when a promise was made and then broken.

ETA: I get both sides of it. If he doesn't want to go, then don't make him go. I'm just a little cranky about this from my friends previous experiences...
 
Date: 9/9/2008 10:17:21 AM
Author: Loves Vintage

I agree. He doesn''t want to go dress shopping with a bunch of girls for their dresses. I''d give him a break on this one. Are you hoping to get opinons from him on the dresses? Do you trust his opinon about dresses? Is that what this is about?
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I gotta say, I agree with this.

He''s willing to stand up with you for that day, and that says a lot about his commitment to your friendship. He did go with you for your dress; that also says a lot about his commitment to your friendship.

But he''s still a man.....and I don''t know too many men who relish the idea of going dress shopping with a bunch of gals for an afternoon.
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I''d let him off the hook on this one. He''s been clear that he''s uncomfortable with it from the beginning, and good friendships mean compromising from both parties.
 
Coming from someone who doesn''t understand why a person would need support when shopping for bridesmaid dresses I have to say I just don''t get this. It''s your wedding day and things that are important to you are not going to be so important to others, even your closest friends; being upset about it isn''t going to change that he doesn''t want to go, and if you''re seeking support do you want it from someone you''ve guilted in to coming along? Wouldn''t it be better to be surrounded by people (your BMs) who want to join you, or just a peaceful afternoon shopping alone, without a ton of differing opinions? I would think most people would prefer these options over doing something that you seem to think may be difficult with a person who has no interest in being there. Especially since it sounds like other members of your bridal party will be in attendance.
 
Date: 9/9/2008 9:54:29 AM
Author: fieryred33143

Wow. Pressure with a side of guilt anyone?

Look I get it. Brides expect their MOH to do certain things for them and with them. I’m going through that with my bridelizard borderline bridezilla. However, what you have to understand is that the world does not revolve around you and your wedding day. There are going to be tasks that he will be available to do and tasks that he will not be able to. Saying yes to being the MOH is not the same as saying yes to being the wedding planner. You are supposed to pick a MOH that you want standing next to you on your day. Anything that the MOH does beyond standing next to you makes that person that much more awesome. ETA: I also understand that he told you he would be there for the BM dress shopping but now he can''t. That''s life. Or is he not allowed to have one?


If he responds to that email with love and compassion then he deserves a big ole kiss and an even bigger drink.
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I have to agree with Fiery on this one too. The email had a twinge to much of guilt laid into it. But, its said and done so please just listen to his reponse with open ears and heart.

I was once a BAD MOH. In my defense, it was the first wedding i had been in (besides my sisters) and so i had NO CLUE what was involved with being a MOH. I simple knew to take care of the bride when family was being a pain, to help plan the bacholorette party (even though i was broke) and take care of the bride the day of the wedding. But you know, i honestly DID NOT KNOW what all went in to being a MOH.

Maybe this is the same case for your guy? Dress shopping for BM dresses i can''t imagine is exciting for any guy, unless he is a fashionista. Is this the only time he has "dropped the ball"? if thats the case, give him a break. I couldnt make it to half of the dress fittings, the venues and food tastings for my friends wedding, but it still worked out fine between the two of us.

I think nowadays people are putting ALOT of pressure on MOH and BMs to run the wedding. Alot of us don''t even know what do for the wedding, some of us have never been to a wedding, been in a wedding, or been married to understand everything that goes on. so you''ll have to cut us clueless people some slack.

I truely hope this all works out, but... never have a man to do a maids work

okay, totally kidding on the last part
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I don''t get why he needs to be there while the bridesmaid dresses get picked out. He''s a man and he won''t be wearing the dress...what''s the point of having him there? In theory, your bridesmaids are your friends. YOu shouldn''t need support to look at dresses with them. And if you do, you have some issues. I''m sorry...if I was your (male) friend I''d be thinking you''re a wacko.
 
I think we''re coming down a bit hard on the original poster. I''m in a similar boat in that I don''t have any family to support me and my close friends are wonderful, but they have their families with small children and can''t hold my hand every step of the way. It can be overwhelming and you need someone to help keep you centered.

But I would still recommend that you rethink his role in this whole thing. I wouldn''t send that email. I would ask to talk to him, ask him why he seems to be backtracking, rethink his role in this and find ways that he can support you without him feeling silly or uncomfortable. If he is really your best friend, it would be sad to lose him just because you are going through a TOTALLY UNDERSTANDABLE stressful period in your life.
 
I''m upset with him, because he told me one thing and now another. That''s what upset me the most ! Its just a let down
 
I get that he let you down, but really, I''d let him away with this one. He''s a guy so I really don''t think that dress shopping is what he''s going to be into, especially when it''s not even your dress. Maybe he just felt pressurised into saying yes in the first place. My best friend is a guy also and is being my man of honour but I''d never expect him to do bridesmaids shopping etc with me. Your wedding day is one day, not worth losing a great friend over.
 
Date: 9/9/2008 9:20:16 AM
Author: blissfulbride
"As my best friend you should be here for me even if it''s something you don''t want to do as a favor to me. You don''t even have to stay long I promise. Just an hour tops !"
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Hmmmm. Isn''t "best friends" a mutual admiration society? Shouldn''t you be more compassionate to *his* wishes because you are *his* best friend?

You say you''re angry because he said one thing & then went back on it. People change their minds. We''re not talking about adopting a baby here ... we''re talking about a day of DRESS SHOPPING. He gave you "his word". About *dress shopping*? Is that a "your word of honor" type deal? Seriously?

It sounds like you bullied him and are now trying to guilt him into doing what you want. Not very "friendly" of you either.
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nevermind.
 
I don''t think that e-mail was mean. I wouldn''t be real if I didn''t tell him how I felt, and get it off my chest. I can''t help feeling upset, and wanting to express it. I want him to know instead of bottling it up in side or talking about him to my other friends which is wrong. I wanted to confront him, and he hasn''t responded yet, and feel he is avoiding me which isn''t every mature. I send him that e-mail, because I had already tried calling him to talk it out.

if he had never said yes in the first place I wouldn''t be this upset with him.
 
Date: 9/9/2008 12:45:57 PM
Author: blissfulbride
he is avoiding me which isn''t every mature. if he had never said yes in the first place I wouldn''t be this upset with him.
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You know what *I* think is "mature": accepting that people, even best friends, will disappoint us from time to time.

Didn''t you say that he DID say "no" at first -- and then you bargained with him by "trading" making a speech at the reception for a day of dress shopping? WHY ARE YOU BARGAINING? Why aren''t you accepting what he does & doesn''t want to do? YOU are the one avoiding ... avoiding believing him & respecting him when he expresses his needs & wishes because they run contrary to your own.

JMHO. Wedding planning can be stressful. But don''t take it out on the people who are offering ANY kind of help. You might find ALL help stops.
 
blissful - i hope everything does work out. It is LAME that he is not at least emailing you back, and i too think, regardless the event or situation, you two should talk it out. I just wanted to give you some insight on what its like to not understand, or know, the big deal about each event that goes into wedding planning.
 
Bliss, you seem to have a lot of anxiety surrounding your wedding in general (I gather this from previous posts as well as this one). Do you think that perhaps you might be overreacting as a result of that anxiety? Because in the grand scheme this really is a minor thing, maybe a bit frustrating because he''s backing out, but he really didn''t want to participate in the first place and you knew that. I say this not to be cruel, but to provide a bit of perspective.
 
Date: 9/9/2008 9:20:16 AM
Author: blissfulbride



As my best friend you should be here for me even if it's something you don't want to do as a favor to me.

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First, I think you totally wimped out by sending an email rather than talking to him about it. He's not picking up the phone because he knows you are going to lay a huge guilt trip on him, and seriously, who needs that?

Second, this is the part of your email I have the most problem with. People do not respond well to being told they "should" do something. Who says they should? You? You are certainly entitled to your feelings and opinions, but you are not in charge of him. Just because you think someone should be behaving or acting in a certain way does not mean that everyone else agrees. Personally, I think this attitude is completely wrong.

Have you tried empathizing and putting yourself in his place? Really, I don't get how not being there to shop for the bridesmaid dresses indicates that he is not there for you.
 
I know this is a very delicate time in your life, and your sensitivity could be taken into consideration. You are the Bride and you would want people there who are loyal friends.

That being said, I think you should give this guy a break.

It is a common human action to change one''s mind. I don''t think your BestMan is doing anything that should be
disappointing to you. I don''t really understand the point of him being there.

Try to enjoy the rest of the planning.
 
Date: 9/9/2008 9:20:16 AM
Author: blissfulbride
this is the email i sent, what do u think ?

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I think your next e-mail should read something along the lines of:

I''m sorry. I''m stressed out, and over-reacted. I am disappointed that you decided not to go dress shopping with us, but I''m realizing that my e-mail made it sound like I''m making the shopping trip a condition of our friendship, and of course it''s itsn''t. Can we start over on this one?

Seriously.
 
Date: 9/9/2008 3:26:08 PM
Author: MINIMS

Date: 9/9/2008 9:20:16 AM
Author: blissfulbride

this is the email i sent, what do u think ?

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I think your next e-mail should read something along the lines of:

I''m sorry. I''m stressed out, and over-reacted. I am disappointed that you decided not to go dress shopping with us, but I''m realizing that my e-mail made it sound like I''m making the shopping trip a condition of our friendship, and of course it''s itsn''t. Can we start over on this one?

Seriously.
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good advice.
 
I don''t want for you to feel piled on, but I do want to represent the "other side".

As Deco pointed out, he did tell you no at first, then you guys made a bargain and now he''s avoiding your calls because he doesn''t want to have to feel guilty for not wanting to go.

I do completely understand that you are disappointed and don''t think he should have made that deal with you if he couldn''t follow through.

Still, if I were in his situation, I would be questioning the friendship too. I happen to hate BM dress shopping--to me the whole thing is silly and a waste of money and time. I told my MOH to wear whatever she fancied to my wedding. If she showed up in a toga I would have been beaming to have her by my side, she is my best friend and like a sister to me. That being said, when she gets married I will not be a part of the BM shopping--she can go with whomever she wants and tell me what to buy when it''s over, but the whole process is just annoying to me. She knows this and understands perfectly.

If she tried to "bargain" (which I would feel was manipulative) it would bother me. Honestly. And then on top of that if she were to tell me she was disappointed in me for not coming, I would be even more bothered. At that point, even I would question our friendship--isn''t having me by her side the most important part? Not the dress shopping or the wedding-shower-throwing or any of the superficial stuff?

If he truly is a friend to you then let this go. I also gather from your posts that you are VERY focused on this wedding and I think it''s easy to get sucked into it.
 
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