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Mothers of the Groom,Please help

Amber St. Clare

Amber St. Clare

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Dec 15, 2009
Messages
1,708
My son is getting married in April {We love the girl, fortunately}. Other than the rehearsal dinner, what do we do/are we responsible for? Her bridesmaids/mom are doing the shower and I haven't been consulted {which really doesn't bother me, the mom and step mom don't get along and I want to avoid unpleasantness},

I've checked with 4 of my friends who have married daughters off, and got varying advice.

Thanx for for you can give.
 
Most groom’s parents I know pay for flowers and/or honeymoon and other than that you attend things. Maybe get a friend to host a shower for your side?
 
Ive known where the groom's family foot the booze bill

congradulations on gaining a new family member you love
 
Congratulation! I had two sons get married. I didn’t want to get into the whole thing of who pays for what. I gave them a lump sum which was their present. They could use the money to pay for half the wedding and use the other half for a down payment on their house...or...They could have a smaller wedding and use the money for a larger down payment. We have a teeny tiny family of fifteen and we don’t even see them all. My friends are all over the country from our many moves....I only invited the fifteen family members ..which includes us...and they had 120 people. The bride’s parents were thrilled that we would give them the money for the down payment..so they offered to do the whole wedding. I did the rehearsal dinner though...With my second son..we eliminated the other relatives and it was just the four of us and they had 100 people in a historic mansion in DC.It was a beautiful wedding. They did use part of their gift for some things and the rest went towards the down payment on their house...My son and daughter-in-law were able to plan out how to use the money so they had less stress. I did the wedding dinner in this case because my daughter-in-law couldn’t get married before sundown. The historic mansion had to be closed and everyone out by 10pm...so that didn’t work. I offered to do the wedding dinner instead of the rehearsal dinner on Friday...and the bride’s parents did the reception on Saturday..
 
I paid for whatever my son and DIL didn't have money for which was the booze, the food, the flowers, the DJ, the food truck at 11;00 pm, the insurance, the groom's food before the wedding, the guy who married them, the rehearsal dinner which included everyone who came from out of town on both sides her parents were no ops totally losers but nice and a bit crazy, so basically we paid for everything
 
Tekate said:
I paid for whatever my son and DIL didn't have money for which was the booze, the food, the flowers, the DJ, the food truck at 11;00 pm, the insurance, the groom's food before the wedding, the guy who married them, so basically everything
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:lol:
 
Congratulations! Our son got married in October and we paid for the rehearsal dinner (20 person wedding party, out of town guests and f&f!) and we gave the newlyweds a lump sum for them to use as they saw fit. I’m sure it helped fund the day for them. We had so much fun that weekend and gained a lovely new daughter to boot!
 
We’re paying for the honeymoon. DS is paying for the wedding, which will be in Mexico. We are it as far as family goes, so apart from a few friends, our side will probably be less than 10. The destination wedding is to keep numbers down as future DIL’s family are Vietnamese and they invite everybody, so often ends up beings 100’s as guests invite other people they know :shock:

Rehearsal dinner is not something we do, and I don’t think it’s a Vietnamese thing either.

Normally in the U.K. it was traditional for the brides parents to pay for the wedding, but I think in a lot of cases now, the grooms parents make a significant contribution.
 
I'd say it depends on family dynamics and the practical situation (like in @Tekate 's post).

What are you comfortable with? What does your son say?
What does your future Dil say?
What are cultural expectations?
As @Austina pointed out those can vary wildly as well.

Is this your only child? If not, I'd make sure an siblings get the same dollar amount.
 
In the US (at least in my social circle) most times the grooms family hosts a breakfast or brunch for out of town guests the day after the wedding (in addition to rehearsal dinner).
We've been to day-after brunches held at the hotel where the out of towners were staying. We've also been to brunches held at the grooms parents home and, in one case, at the bride and grooms home.
 
I think you make it up as you go along??? With research and discussions. With my DD I tried to use the traditionally accepted norms I found on the internet, but ended up doing what was needed, but only to the extent of my fair share, if that makes sense.
 
It really depends. Seems like you want to go the traditional route and that works. However, IMO, these days anything goes and you are under no obligation. Give what you want to from your heart.

And congratulations on adding a beloved member to your family very soon. As we say Mazel Tov!
 
What an exciting time for you all!

As others have mentioned, it really depends on family dynamics. When we married, my in-laws had been divorced for many years, MIL was remarried, my own father had passed away & my husband & I were financially independent. We made it clear to all concerned that we were willing & able to foot the whole bill, but if there was anything they felt they wanted to do, we could discuss it. My only "must have" was my brother, my best friend in the whole world, to walk me down the aisle. My mother insisted on sorting my dress, as my father had paid for my eldest sisters extravagant number & told mum at the time that he wanted the dresses to be his thing. Consequently my dress was bespoke, handmade & very beautiful. It was definitely more than I would have chosen for myself & I'm eternally grateful for her gesture.

My FIL insisted on a contribution & decided he would pay for all the food (not including booze). This ended up costing WAY more than we imagined & we were very thankful!

My MIL & husband wanted to pay for a honeymoon, and they made it clear that it was to be a trip we wouldn't be able to easily replicate down the line should we have children & had to be amazing. There wasn't strictly a budget per se, so we chose to take a whole month off work & do a proper road trip across the US. It was fabulous! It's definitely not something we would repeat with children, but have dipped in & out of the US since to return to favourite places & places we know the kids would enjoy.

My bridesmaid & best friends organised & paid for my Hen, which involved a weekend away with a gaggle of close girls, lots of alcohol & me on a podium at 2am whilst the rest of the club cheered me on :lol:
 
My daughter is getting married this year. It's a bit hard because the groom's parents are divorced. Groom's mom is quite well off, and she is not offering a single thing, so that's that I guess. Groom's dad is putting some money toward their honeymoon, so that's nice. I would have liked at least a rehearsal dinner. Technically they should also throw a bridal shower, but my daughter doesn't want/need one, so that's a moot point.
 
Three sons married in the last 10 years. Paid for rehearsal dinner, flowers, church, minister and a brunch the next morning. Also gave the kids a cash gift. Paid for 2 of the showers. The 3rd was out of town and I wasn’t able to attend.
 
so often ends up beings 100’s as guests invite other people they know :shock:

@Austina this made me laugh so hard I spit my tea out! it would have shocked me too!
 
Younger sisters wedding ended up with over 300, and people were being added right up until the big day @Tekate. Apparently, the tradition is for guests to give money, so they invite lots of people in the expectation the cash gifts will pay for the wedding. Me, I prefer it to be about the bride and groom, and not a lot of people they barely know. Younger sister and husband spent the entire reception going round thanking people for coming and their gift, I really don’t see the point of doing that and not having time to actually enjoy the day.
 
Austina said:
Younger sisters wedding ended up with over 300, and people were being added right up until the big day @Tekate. Apparently, the tradition is for guests to give money, so they invite lots of people in the expectation the cash gifts will pay for the wedding. Me, I prefer it to be about the bride and groom, and not a lot of people they barely know. Younger sister and husband spent the entire reception going round thanking people for coming and their gift, I really don’t see the point of doing that and not having time to actually enjoy the day.
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We had a Civil Ceremony with just 70 people, which rose to 120 for the evening reception. We married in a Stately Home & stayed there all day - they hosted the entire thing so no need to be moving guests from place to place. People still talk about our wedding as being the best one, 13 years later. Greeting a billion guests I don't know would be my idea of hell :shock:
 
I would like the shower madness stopped-lol. Most people getting married now are probably living together, or at least have reasonably stocked households.

When did it become acceptable to invite people to a shower who have never met the bride?!?!?!
Why do I want to spend my Saturday with strangers opening gifts?
I have had instances of being invited to more than one shower for someone I have never met. That is insanity to me.
 
I would like to add, I always send a generous ($100+) shower gift.
So shower customs vary by social circle, culture and region.
In the US---it seems to be the norm now to invite any female guest to at least one bridal shower.
Maybe in other countries that is not the norm.
 
We don’t do bridal showers here either (as far as I know), I think it gets really out of hand if you’re expected to go a shower/hen do abroad, wedding, new outfit etc., but maybe I’m just an old grouch :lol:
 
I'm from the south where tradition rules. Emily Post is the authority, lol. With that said, I HATE showers. I refused to have either a wedding or baby shower. And I won't go to them either, lol. All at the risk of being shunned! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
 
My daughter-in-law asked me to give her a shower for the first one. She‘s expecting baby number two...Usually you don’t have a shower for the second one..but I offered to do a sprinkle..basically friends, family, including husbands and children...and food..lol
 
We are in the south and went the traditional route especially since our kids were on the young side and certainly were not in a position to pay for a wedding themselves. Our daughter got married in October. His parents paid for rehearsal dinner, flowers: bride's bouquet, all boutinneres, mother's and grandmother's corsages (we paid for all floral for the bridesmaids, and wedding/reception decor), and they paid hotel and airfare for honeymoon. We paid all other expenses for the wedding and reception. (Obviously no parents hosted showers, but we took gifts to the ones we attended.)

I very much like having responsibilites all clearly delineated to avoid potential conflict. We had a little conflict over some of their people wanting to bring young children to wedding/ evening reception who were not invited (and this was expressed AFTER the RSVP deadline, too) and I had to say no. It wasn't fair to our friends whose children were not invited. (Plus it was extremely rude!)
 
Diamond seeker—you say that obviously no parents hosted showers.
That is how I was brought up so, to me, a mom hosting a shower is considered not socially acceptable. Yet I am seeing it done.
Being in the South and traditional—do Moms give showers?
 
@Elizabeth35 i was brought up that way too...but my sweet daughter-in-law asked me to give her one so, of course, I said yes....I wasn’t about to give her a lesson in social etiquette...That’s not my place...My goal was to make her feel special...and it did.. :)
 
Our son is getting married this year. He’s having a very small wedding with only close family attending, which means parents and siblings only. Afterward, they are throwing a small reception. Because they aren’t going the traditional route, we are going to give them a cash gift to use as they please.
 
Elizabeth35 said:
Diamond seeker—you say that obviously no parents hosted showers.
That is how I was brought up so, to me, a mom hosting a shower is considered not socially acceptable. Yet I am seeing it done.
Being in the South and traditional—do Moms give showers?
Click to expand...

I am from SoCal and yes . . . I too have seen a mom/sister hosting shower(s) . . . there is a very "anything goes" sort of feeling in SoCal now.
The way I was brought up is that wasn't done. . . there was always an aunt or godmother that stepped in.
Is it bad to say . . . I may get flamed for it but a pure white dress and a long veil for a bride who has been married before doesn't "sit" well w/ me.
 
@Austina, How on earth do you plan if people keep inviting more people? It sounds like a nightmare. Does Kim think there will be a large turnout at a destination wedding?
 
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