Wedding More wedding planning woes

[Shoopy]

I promise you that I’m not this melodramatic IRL.

I’ve been really stressed out over the guest list…I mean in tears kind of stress. The basic gist of it all is that I have family I have to invite that I don’t want there and because I’m inviting them I can’t invite friends that I really want there.

Anyway, the latest was a conversation I had with my older cousin. My cousin and I are really close (I’m her son’s Godmother) and I often look to her for advice. I’ve been keeping the wedding plans to myself because I change my mind so often but she asked me for an update and being that we are close, I told her about the venue we’re considering:

Me: The only part of the venue I don’t like is parking. But if I can get all of you in the same hotel then maybe I can just provide transportation from the hotel to the location and back.
Her: What do you mean all of us in the same hotel? We can’t just stay with you in your house?
Me: What do you mean?
Her: You know me, my sisters, and mom.

By me, my sisters, and mom she means a total of 17 people. In a 2/1 condo.

She went on to say that they were planning on coming here on a bus the day of the wedding. When I asked her who she expected to pick them up, she says “I don’t know I thought either you or Rich (FI) or one of the boys (my brothers).” And she also expected one of us to drop them off at the bus stop the next day.

The whole thing is so frustrating, upsetting, and really embarrassing. My FI’s family is not like this. We haven’t heard a peep from them about expectations. One cousin who has been with her FF for 3 years was so surprised that we would invite him. She responded with “that’s so nice of you guys to think about him, thank you.” And yet my family wants me to take time from my busy wedding day to pick them up from a bus stop and somehow fit all 17 of them in one king bed, a twin bed, and a sleeper sofa.

Oh and BTW 17 should really only be 10 but they’re assuming

that children are invited.

And this is why I keep telling my FI to elope.

 

[iwannaprettyone]

Take a time out to reflect...

This is how I thought, and now think about this type of thing...

The wedding will happen one way or another, nothing will be perfect (nothing ever is) and at the end of the day getting stressed and upset about what is supposed to be the best time of your life is somewhat counterproductive.

It is YOUR wedding, and you should do what makes you happy...but it is a lot easier to go with the flow than to stay in bride brain mode. As for your cousin, just tell her "look, I''d love to have you at the house but this is a crazy time and our schedule is booked the days leading up to and after the wedding". Try and keep an open mind.

Like water off a ducks back babe, seriously. Good luck and hang in there dear!

 

[Haven]

Oh fiery, this is tough. But now is the time you have to stand up for yourself and tell your cousin that NO, she and her gagillion relatives will not be staying with the newlyweds on their wedding night, and NO, the bride and/or groom are not going to be able to pick them up and drop them off from the bus station.

I know it''s hard. I know it''s uncomfortable. But if you don''t tell her no she (and her posse) will just become 17 thorns in your side on your wedding day. And that just won''t look good with your dress.

 

[Shoopy]

Thanks IWPO and Haven. It helps to get perspective from people after the wedding has taken place. Its true that you get so wrapped up in the details that you forget the bigger picture.

I know that we were going to provide our guests with discounts to four different hotels (my FI and all his business contacts are in the travel industry) but I wasn't expecting this and now I'm feeling guilty about having guests pay for rooms and what not.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Honesty is your best policy. Clearly the logistics of the mess aren''t working...and ergo, it isn''t condusive. Sharing with her the your reasoning in a matter of fact way should curtail any further expectations for you to "bend". Including picking her and 16 other people up at the bus stop.

For my wedding, my BIL and SIL together with her two children (and by children, I mean 18 & 24) and their dates thought they would stay at our home for their entire stay (we had a hotel wedding).

I thought about it out of respect for them, but decided against it out of respect for my sanity and self.

First of all, we hosted a hotel wedding to accomidate out of town guests--which they were.
Secondly, this is my home and not a room for rent. We are getting married and were very busy ... I just didn''t have time to set up shop for 6 people to crash land in my house.

I was accomidating to the extent I could be...and let the rest just work itself out.

I''m sure it''s very expensive to get 17 people to your wedding when you add up food, clothing, travel, and incidentals...add to that a hotel and it probably brakes the bank. So prehaps, in the spirit of compromise, you could pitch in a few bucks towards their room, or supply them with a book of gift certificates to local places to eat...like Dominios Pizza and McDonalds...nothing crazy.

Just a thought...

 

[Shoopy]

Hi Italia

I mentioned that idea to my FI and we are thinking about it. These cousins live in Orlando so its a 4 hour drive (or 5 hour bus ride). If they get in on Friday then we may be able to pick them up and possibly host a barbecue at my FI''s parents house. the only reason why we are hesitating on offering to chip in with the rooms is because we would have guests from out of state that would feel bad if we didn''t help. My FI can get them a room for $25, which to me isn''t much but if it becomes a hassle I guess we could just pay for it.

 

[Bia]

Date: 10/9/2008 9:51:06 AM
Author: fieryred33143
Thanks IWPO and Haven. It helps to get perspective from people after the wedding has taken place. Its true that you get so wrapped up in the details that you forget the bigger picture.

I know that we were going to provide our guests with discounts to four different hotels (my FI and all his business contacts are in the travel industry) but I wasn't expecting this and now I'm feeling guilty about having guests pay for rooms and what not.

You really shouldn't feel guilty. This is very common with out-of-towners. Most people just cannot afford to pay room & board for all of their out-of-town guests.

I know with relatives its hard to tell them "no," EVER! Ultimately, you do what you can and explain in the nicest way possible that 1.) there is no room in your condo and 2.) they will be much more comfortable at a hotel (which you are finding for them) and 3.) its your wedding day and you will not have time to be driving people around.

Shes your cousin and she loves you. She'll understand honey, even if she gets miffed, in the end she'll understand. believe me.

ETA: My brother just got married and some of our cousins asked to stay at his (and his now wife's) apartment. My bro and SIL wanted to hang with everyone but they just couldn't accommodate it. The only people who did stay with them were myself, bf and my cousin...but we were all in the wedding and were basically expected to help out--which we did of course lol. There were a few family members who felt a little left out, because our family is very close, but in the end everyone understood that we were busy! Don't worry about it too much, as people have said, it works itself out.

 

[marchswallowbird]

I had a somewhat similar experience. We''re having a destination wedding that will begin with an informal bar-b-que at FI''s house that is near the wedding venue. FI doesn''t live in the house, it is more of a vacation rental. He and I will be staying at the house for several days both before and after the wedding. The bar-b-que is the afternoon before the wedding.

After the bar-b-que, we all leave the house and drive an hour to Yosemite Valley, where the wedding will take place the next day, and where we will all stay in hotels, including FI and me.

Anyway, my dad was expecting that he, my stepmom and my sister would all be staying at the house the day of the bar-b-que. Without even asking me. FI''s daughter and son were also expecting to stay there, with their spouses and small children. It''s only a 3-bedroom 2-bath house!

I told FI very explicity NO HOUSEGUESTS whatsoever. I don''t care WHO. Not my family, not his. Nobody. I do not want the stress of family houseguests the day before my wedding. It took some convincing, because he has a HUGE soft spot for his kids, especially his daughter. But he came around. Then I had to explain this all to my dad (with my sister''s help, SHE got it).

It helped tremendously that we had set the policy of no guests whatsoever, so that nobody on either side of the family felt put out. I really had to fight hard for this, but I feel so strongly about it, now FI agrees and is backing me up on it.

 

[pjean]

Date: 10/9/2008 9:51:06 AM
Author: fieryred33143

I know that we were going to provide our guests with discounts to four different hotels (my FI and all his business contacts are in the travel industry) but I wasn''t expecting this and now I''m feeling guilty about having guests pay for rooms and what not.

Nope. Do not go there. It is not AT ALL your responsibility to provide your guests with free lodging. If you can get them a discount, that''s very lovely and everything, but it''s not up to you. People who want to attend weddings understand that there is some expense involved. Feel no guilt over this.

That''s an order.

 

[kama_s]

Honey, as much as I know how hard it is to say no to family (trust me, my family is the first to lay down the guilt trip on me), you really wouldn''t want so many people staying with you right before the wedding. It''s going to be so hectic as it is, you really dont need an additional hostess role thrown into the mix. And with kids, it''s just going to be a big fat mess.

I would suggest you talk to her and explain how you need the space and time to prepare for the wedding, and if it were any other time you would be more than willing. And then help her find affordable accomodation near by.